ONS - Pregnancy

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, RKO said:

I initially I thought just now, but the more I think of it, the more I realise what you have to potentially give up/set aside…I don’t think I do. Ever

Then I strongly recommend a vasectomy. That way you'll never have to go through this again. And it's not that bad. My husband had one and he had some moderate pain for a couple of days and that was it. He just used a bag of frozen peas on his boys lol. 

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Then I strongly recommend a vasectomy. That way you'll never have to go through this again. And it's not that bad. My husband had one and he had some moderate pain for a couple of days and that was it. He just used a bag of frozen peas on his boys lol. 

Yup I agree. 1st time having sex in 2 years and this happens

[mylolita]

RKO,

 

Life is unpredictable. Most of us face hardships, things we didn’t plan, at some point in our lives. 
 

Everyone, no matter who they are, even when they have a planned baby, are 100% confident and think “yes raising this baby is going to be a doddle I can do it I will never falter” - we are all human. 

 

Raising a baby is the biggest thing anyone can ever do. You are feeling the weight of responsibility and you know it. It can break people who are married and have planned their babies, longed and hoped for them. It is definitely not easy.

 

What you have to do in this time of crisis for yourself is, you have to try and get your head straight, and, you need to be able to look yourself straight in the eye ten years down the line. Do you want to repeat who your father was? Or do you want to be able to say, it was beyond tough - but I did it anyway? I did the right thing?

 

We are never ready for our personal crisis - this is what makes it such a crisis. These things come out of nowhere and test our very character, what we are made of. 
 

You need your support network, and that mostly seems to be your Mum. This, to me, appears like it is eating you up inside. Psychologically, a secret is a very heavy thing to carry alone. Could you not confide in your Mum? Your Mum is older, she has lived a life, raised her own boys by herself - she will probably know more than you think. She might not be as surprised as you think. You need some support and some comfort right now, until you know the baby is definitely yours or not.

 

I think you need to be able to confide in someone you trust. 
 

A life lived means mistakes somewhere along the line. I am sorry you feel so bad - most men would in your situation. Let the shock of it all settle and, get yourself a shoulder and some support, either professional or someone who cares for you. This doesn’t have to be the end of your world. It could be the making of you. I know it’s hard to think anything positive could come out of this now, when you are going through your own personal hell - but as bad as things can sometimes seem, lovely things can be waiting just round the corner.

 

You need to be able to live with yourself. If the baby is yours and you walk away, you may feel depressed forever due to guilt. If you are the father and decide to see the baby, hard and painful as it may be at first, after adjusting to your new role and life, it will get easier. 
 

Half of this might be the fear of the unknown. You say to yourself, how could I even do it? I’m not ready? I don’t like or love the Mum. How am I supposed to love and financially support this baby? All of these negative thoughts wizzing through. Thing is, you are stronger than you know and when the time comes, IF the baby is yours, you do have the strength and inner resources to do the right thing. It’s your choice to make. 
 

Nothing in life worth doing is ever easy, but the rewards from pushing through and digging deep to do the right thing, the hard thing, are so much more and beyond than the initial pain felt doing the right thing in the first place! The biggest rewards come from the hardest things. 
 

You can do it, if you had too. I believe you are stronger than you know.

 

Get this paternity test as soon as you can and in the meantime my advice would be, you need help adjusting to the possibility, you need to share this burden you are going through and get the help and support you need. 
 

 

[itsallgrand]

I think you need to tell your mom so you have support. 

I'm so sorry this is happening. It's sad! Sad for you, sad for the baby. Every baby should be born to opportunity and wanted. I think it's ***, frankly, how the woman you slept with is handling this. That's just me.. takes two, and babies shouldn't be punishments. You should have a say, just like her.

But the world as is ...you have no say now. If she has the baby and it is yours, you at the least will have child support to pay. Why pay this stranger to raise your kid? I'd go full blast and do everything to get at least split custody. I'd go all the way . 

You can walk but you still pay...seems like a bad deal to me. And then your child is raised by a random who may or may not have any sense at all in how to raise a kid. Almost impossible to hold her accountable ...kid is at her mercy unless you choose to be a dad. 

 

[gamon]

For what it's worth, I've been where you are and I feel your pain.

About 40 years ago I got my first ever girlfriend pregnant. She said she was on the pill, she probably lied, she had been pregnant twice before by two other guys.

She wanted to keep it. I coerced, pleaded, and ultimately downright threatened her.

She aborted. My life would never have been the same had she kept it.

 

[boltnrun]

These days you can't get away with "threatening" or coercing a woman into getting an abortion. Thankfully. They ask the woman (when she's alone) if anyone is making or forcing her to abort. If she says yes they won't proceed.

But you're not doing that, @RKO. And I'm glad.

But I agree that talking to your mom is a good idea. She may surprise you with the amount of support she's willing to give you. She loves you, of course!

[Tinydance]

The way I see it is, OP can take responsibility for the child financially, but will he actually be able to love this child? Because if not I don't actually think this is that great for the child.

The reason why I'm saying this is because I'm pretty sure my own father doesn't actually love me and never did. I'm not sure why, maybe deep down he just didn't actually want to have kids. Him and my Mum got married when my Mum was only 20 and my Dad was 22. I think my Mum said she actually pushed for the marriage.

They've actually been married for 40 + years but my Dad has basically always acted like he has zero interest in me. I'm also an only child so I guess I've taken it very personally because I always couldn't help wondering if it's me as a person he couldn't love, as I can't compare it to his behaviour towards any brother or sister.

I've tried to remember back to my childhood and I don't really remember him being around because he worked a lot. I remember spending all my time either with my Mum or my Aunt who babysat me a lot. I was very close to my Aunt, she was like a mother to me.

Since my teenage years my Dad has basically been cold to me and just ignored me. Actually when I was a teenager we used to clash really badly and he actually hit me across the face once and another time came in my room and threw something against the wall and made a hole in the wall. When I was older the "relationship" just became basically nothing, where my Dad mostly ignores me and never contacts me or speaks to me. 

I've always felt so rejected by my Dad and this empty void inside me. And just couldn't, and can't understand why he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be my Dad?

Also some women don't want a child either and don't want to "face up to their responsibility", so they have an abortion. That's because they just don't want that child, they don't want to be a mother. In this case the OP feels the same but he's not actually able to do anything about the situation because he's a man.

 

[mylolita]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

The way I see it is, OP can take responsibility for the child financially, but will he actually be able to love this child? Because if not I don't actually think this is that great for the child.

The reason why I'm saying this is because I'm pretty sure my own father doesn't actually love me and never did. I'm not sure why, maybe deep down he just didn't actually want to have kids. Him and my Mum got married when my Mum was only 20 and my Dad was 22. I think my Mum said she actually pushed for the marriage.

They've actually been married for 40 + years but my Dad has basically always acted like he has zero interest in me. I'm also an only child so I guess I've taken it very personally because I always couldn't help wondering if it's me as a person he couldn't love, as I can't compare it to his behaviour towards any brother or sister.

I've tried to remember back to my childhood and I don't really remember him being around because he worked a lot. I remember spending all my time either with my Mum or my Aunt who babysat me a lot. I was very close to my Aunt, she was like a mother to me.

Since my teenage years my Dad has basically been cold to me and just ignored me. Actually when I was a teenager we used to clash really badly and he actually hit me across the face once and another time came in my room and threw something against the wall and made a hole in the wall. When I was older the "relationship" just became basically nothing, where my Dad mostly ignores me and never contacts me or speaks to me. 

I've always felt so rejected by my Dad and this empty void inside me. And just couldn't, and can't understand why he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be my Dad?

Also some women don't want a child either and don't want to "face up to their responsibility", so they have an abortion. That's because they just don't want that child, they don't want to be a mother. In this case the OP feels the same but he's not actually able to do anything about the situation because he's a man.

 

This is very true Tiny,

 

And I’m so sorry about your relationship with your father. Your post makes the point just because someone is in your life, doesn’t mean that’s always the best thing.

 

I think, personally, until you have that baby in your arms and spend time, you just don’t know how you are gonna feel as a parent. I think the cliche of, we are never the parent we imagine, is true for most, myself included!

 

There are things I expected of myself which came true, but there are other things and ways I have handled things, opinions I now have as well after having my 3, that have changed, and I never imagined! I thought I would be quite a strict and disciplined, traditional mother - and it is turning out to be nearly the opposite! Sometimes! 
 

When my son was born, I saw other mothers making mistakes and said “that will never be me” - but only 6 months into having him, one night I put him to sleep and then me and my husband had a huge argument. I was exhausted and thought I could do it all - housework, mostly all his care, all the breastfeeding including all night and the feeds, all the playgroups and still help my husband with his admin work. It soon dawned rudely on me that I wasn’t that mother I thought I was gonna be - aka, “super mum”. 
 

I am not for one second condoning how your Dad treat you Tiny, or making any excuses. Of course, the man can’t really ever have an ideal 50/50 say, because it is the woman’s body. The man has to, in most situations, make the best and embrace the reality. 
 

I don’t think the OP will truly know how he is going to feel about this until the time comes, or he has experienced fatherhood for a good few months, a year. I don’t think any of us know exactly how we were going to feel before we became parents. You imagine love and you have these images of what it is like but, things play out differently for everyone.

 

There is a taboo that I find obvious but unspoken about. That with children, you get what you are given, personality wise. Me and my son click, so easily. Personality wise, we gel and he is so sensitive and endearing. My daughter! Wow! What a firebox! And easy to cry (sometimes to get what she wants!) My youngest daughter, she seems very easy going and curious. But it’s my middle girls personality where I clash the most. People sometimes talk of favourites. I think what happens is, we love all our children in different ways, and some frankly, are easier to get on with because of our personalities and theirs. I absolutely love my daughter, and we can have some amazing moments, tender moments - but when we clash, we really clash! 
 

They come out with their own little personalities. It’s amazing, really. They teach you more about yourself than you will ever know!

 

I think potentially, if the baby is his - the OP might be surprised by how much of a positive reaction, a good reaction he might have. I’m trying to say, not all is lost, you never know, and something awesome and amazing can come out of what we perceive as our darkest times.

 

I hope one day you and your Dad can find some agreement, peace and common ground Tiny - that is rough going for your upbringing.

 

x

 

[mylolita]

Just to add, I am definitely not judging this situation.

 

I walked away myself the first time I got pregnant, even though everything was absolutely fine and I was with my to be husband, engaged even. I just felt not ready and too young, as do most who have an unplanned pregnancy. I was a coward and I had an early abortion, and I just want to say for me, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have massive guilt about it. I can be doing something lovely and pleasant and randomly a dark thought about what I did floats right up on me. This is why doing the “easy thing” can actually turn out to not be easy or walking away at all. I tried to walk away but it follows me. 
 

I imagine doing similar as a man can have the same affect. If you are a decent person with a conscience, when you do the wrong thing (for you) there is no easy walking away or ignoring. We have to deal with our problems straight on, running away solves nothing.

 

x

[RKO]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

The way I see it is, OP can take responsibility for the child financially, but will he actually be able to love this child? Because if not I don't actually think this is that great for the child.

The reason why I'm saying this is because I'm pretty sure my own father doesn't actually love me and never did. I'm not sure why, maybe deep down he just didn't actually want to have kids. Him and my Mum got married when my Mum was only 20 and my Dad was 22. I think my Mum said she actually pushed for the marriage.

They've actually been married for 40 + years but my Dad has basically always acted like he has zero interest in me. I'm also an only child so I guess I've taken it very personally because I always couldn't help wondering if it's me as a person he couldn't love, as I can't compare it to his behaviour towards any brother or sister.

I've tried to remember back to my childhood and I don't really remember him being around because he worked a lot. I remember spending all my time either with my Mum or my Aunt who babysat me a lot. I was very close to my Aunt, she was like a mother to me.

Since my teenage years my Dad has basically been cold to me and just ignored me. Actually when I was a teenager we used to clash really badly and he actually hit me across the face once and another time came in my room and threw something against the wall and made a hole in the wall. When I was older the "relationship" just became basically nothing, where my Dad mostly ignores me and never contacts me or speaks to me. 

I've always felt so rejected by my Dad and this empty void inside me. And just couldn't, and can't understand why he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be my Dad?

Also some women don't want a child either and don't want to "face up to their responsibility", so they have an abortion. That's because they just don't want that child, they don't want to be a mother. In this case the OP feels the same but he's not actually able to do anything about the situation because he's a man.

 

Sorry to hear that, but I agree with you totally.

Again, as someone who’s grew up without a father I’d much rather that than have a hollow relationship or having to be taken from my mums every other weekend to spend time with someone that resented me. I know that’s harsh but I know I will resent this child, of course like you all say that could change but deep down in my heart I know it won’t. I don’t want this child.

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Just to add, I am definitely not judging this situation.

 

I walked away myself the first time I got pregnant, even though everything was absolutely fine and I was with my to be husband, engaged even. I just felt not ready and too young, as do most who have an unplanned pregnancy. I was a coward and I had an early abortion, and I just want to say for me, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have massive guilt about it. I can be doing something lovely and pleasant and randomly a dark thought about what I did floats right up on me. This is why doing the “easy thing” can actually turn out to not be easy or walking away at all. I tried to walk away but it follows me. 
 

I imagine doing similar as a man can have the same affect. If you are a decent person with a conscience, when you do the wrong thing (for you) there is no easy walking away or ignoring. We have to deal with our problems straight on, running away solves nothing.

 

x

Yes you are right about that, I imagine it would get to me if I walked away at times but I need to work out which would be the lesser of the evils.

Not so much doing the easy thing, but the right thing 

[mylolita]

34 minutes ago, RKO said:

Sorry to hear that, but I agree with you totally.

Again, as someone who’s grew up without a father I’d much rather that than have a hollow relationship or having to be taken from my mums every other weekend to spend time with someone that resented me. I know that’s harsh but I know I will resent this child, of course like you all say that could change but deep down in my heart I know it won’t. I don’t want this child.

I can understand why anyone would feel this way - it makes sense.

 

But, OP, on the optimistic side of life - you just don’t know whether you will resent the baby if it is yours. You might surprise yourself.

 

Most of us feel some kind of resentment at some point towards anyone who demands our love. Most women can truthfully say at one point they have resented their husbands. Most mothers can probably say at one point or other they have resented their children, wanted or not. Our whole lives change and we are no longer the centre, when we choose and allow ourselves to fully love anyone, be it a child, partner - you name it, we are no longer number 1, we have someone else’s heart and feelings to consider and care for, we can never “switch off”. 
 

But that kind of love also has the most amazing upsides. Definitely major sweet with the bitter. 
 

I would just say, you don’t know how you are going to feel. If you are determined to resent the baby (if it’s yours!) then I imagine you can create that reality very easily. Resenting and walking away is the easy thing to do. Or, easier. Negative emotions often come easily to most people - the hard stuff is rising above it.

 

I think you are more capable than you know. I would definitely open up to your Mum. You need some support from someone who loves you at the moment.

 

x

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I can understand why anyone would feel this way - it makes sense.

 

But, OP, on the optimistic side of life - you just don’t know whether you will resent the baby if it is yours. You might surprise yourself.

 

Most of us feel some kind of resentment at some point towards anyone who demands our love. Most women can truthfully say at one point they have resented their husbands. Most mothers can probably say at one point or other they have resented their children, wanted or not. Our whole lives change and we are no longer the centre, when we choose and allow ourselves to fully love anyone, be it a child, partner - you name it, we are no longer number 1, we have someone else’s heart and feelings to consider and care for, we can never “switch off”. 
 

But that kind of love also has the most amazing upsides. Definitely major sweet with the bitter. 
 

I would just say, you don’t know how you are going to feel. If you are determined to resent the baby (if it’s yours!) then I imagine you can create that reality very easily. Resenting and walking away is the easy thing to do. Or, easier. Negative emotions often come easily to most people - the hard stuff is rising above it.

 

I think you are more capable than you know. I would definitely open up to your Mum. You need some support from someone who loves you at the moment.

 

x

Thank you, I plan on telling her today after baby mothers 1st scan. See how that goes.

just want to make sure there’s a need to cause her all this distress 1st. I’m hoping baby mother is far more advanced in pregnancy than she thought and enough to rule me out. It’s the hope that kills you

[Wiseman2]

You're working yourself up too much. You claim you're almost suicidal. There's no need for that if you stop listening to guilt trips and wait for the facts.

First you need to verify that you're the father with DNA testing. Then you'll have to pay child support if that's the case.

However unless you petition the courts specifically for custody and visitation rights, you are under zero obligation to be Involved.

In fact you're going by speculation about what your mother may be feeling rather than what this woman specifically told you.

She told you she doesn't want you involved in any way whatsoever and it's her choice to be a single mother.

[RKO]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're working yourself up too much. You claim you're almost suicidal. There's no need for that if you stop listening to guilt trips and wait for the facts.

First you need to verify that you're the father with DNA testing. Then you'll have to pay child support if that's the case.

However unless you petition the courts specifically for custody and visitation rights, you are under zero obligation to be Involved.

In fact you're going by speculation about what your mother may be feeling rather than what this woman specifically told you.

She told you she doesn't want you involved in any way whatsoever and it's her choice to be a single mother.

But then there’s what comes from that choice, will people and friends disown me knowing I walked away from a child, will future girlfriends not want me when they find out I walked away from a child etc etc etc

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, RKO said:

 will people and friends disown me knowing I walked away from a child, will future girlfriends not want me when they find out I walked away from a child etc etc etc

This is sheer anxiety and has zero to do with the facts of the case.

If you want to make yourself sick from this and a bunch of guilt trips and speculation, carry on.

But the facts are, you don't know for sure it is yours and she told you she doesn't want you involved whatsoever. 

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, RKO said:

But then there’s what comes from that choice, will people and friends disown me knowing I walked away from a child, will future girlfriends not want me when they find out I walked away from a child etc etc etc

I would have for sure.  I dated a single dad very briefly and he told me he didn't want to marry her but was going to co-parent in person plus the financial support-just not be in a relationship with her. 

The reason I ended it was the baby was born one month into our dating and I realized because of his involvement with co-parenting I just wasn't up for the long term sharing of him with his daughter.  I completely respected his choices.  They did co-parent- she is now 19 and in college and just lovely.  (From his FB posts, photos, what she's doing, etc). 

It was very challenging for him especially financially but he did.  She very likely mislead him about the BC situation and he refused to say a bad word or even imply that she had done so -I gleaned it from the situation.  

I think your concerns are real - meaning if she would agree to visitation and if you pursue visitation with the courts but she wins -  but if you don't want to be a father then women who date you are less likely to be concerned since obviously they will not want children either and may relate to your decision.  Also if you describe the efforts you put in to be an involved parent that certainly may change things -it would for me.

But also know that it's broader - certain women (me included) cared about ethical/moral choices overall -not just to do with family, children, etc - so for me it would be that issue as well.  For another woman what you did might seem very ethical - from her set of values -you knew you wouldn't be up for being a father so you paid $$ and walked away as far as being more than the sperm donor.  People have all sorts of perspectives on this situation.

[RKO]

So the scan result is in, and based on due date it looks like the dates add up.

Im devestated

[MissCanuck]

Please talk to your mom, OP. 

You need someone in real-life who can listen. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, RKO said:

So the scan result is in, and based on due date it looks like the dates add up. im devestated

You're overreacting. This means nothing other than within a few weeks +/- of your hookup, she became pregnant. Then you claim she took emergency contraception in your presence? None of your story really adds up. 

[RKO]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're overreacting. This means nothing other than within a few weeks +/- of your hookup, she became pregnant. Then you claim she took emergency contraception in your presence? None of your story really adds up. 

Not in my presence but told me she did the day after and offered proof.

[DarkCh0c0]

7 minutes ago, RKO said:

Not in my presence but told me she did the day after and offered proof.

Wow. You didn't follow up and see her with your own eyes take the emergency pill?

Did any of you discuss prevention before doing this? Did she say she was on birth control? Why didn't you wear a condom?

Gosh, this is so messy.

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Wow. You didn't follow up and see her with your own eyes take the emergency pill?

Did any of you discuss prevention before doing this? Did she say she was on birth control? Why didn't you wear a condom?

Gosh, this is so messy.

A drunken mistake, on both parts, I know, very messy.

I told her that MAP wont work if she had already ovulated but she said i was "stressing her out" when i sent her the info with a link what to do if that was the case.

Very messy I agree

[gamon]

Sounds more and more like entrapment. If that's the case, either she's mentally unstable and defines her self by becoming a single mother or she's going to pull out all the stops and come after you for money.

 

 

[RKO]

14 minutes ago, gamon said:

Sounds more and more like entrapment. If that's the case, either she's mentally unstable and defines her self by becoming a single mother or she's going to pull out all the stops and come after you for money.

 

 

i'd be inclined to agree other than shes insistent theres an option there for me to walk away and not be involved/pay a thing