How do I stop feeling jealous and angry towards couples?

[metalfantom]

I'm in my 30s and never had a gf. Pathetic I know, but hey. I've had a lot of physical and emotional challenges in my life that made dating not an option. I'm just too ugly, awkward and weird to attract a woman. It is what it is.

However, when I see couples in public I still get filled with heartache and visceral rage. I hate them for what they have. I don't feel most guys even earn their girlfriends, they're lucky to have inherited good looks, status or charisma. And I hate the women because they would never give me a second look.

I know it's not their fault, but it feels like they're rubbing their happiness in my face. 

How do I overcome this before it destroys me?

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

And I hate the women because they would never give me a second look. How do I overcome this before it destroys me?

First get off any of the Incels brainwashing sites including reddit. Groups like this lure in lonely men and incite exactly the type of hate and rage you describe.

These groups fuel the delusion that lonely disenfranchised men are somehow entitled to sex and thus all the good looking men simply cheat them out of their God-given "right'.

 However they Do Not encourage things like improving your physical and mental health, education and interests or empathy. Incels are considered a hate group for this reason.

The Anti Defamation League also describes Incels broader group as a hate group: 

Quote

Blackpill: A nihilistic worldview adopted by the incel community. A “Blackpilled” male believes that no matter what he does to improve himself, he will never find a romantic and/or sexual partner and is doomed to a life of unhappiness and rejection.

Then get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

[metalfantom]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

First get off any of the Incels brainwashing sites including reddit. Groups like this lure in lonely men and incite exactly the type of hate and rage you describe.

These groups fuel the delusion that lonely disenfranchised men are somehow entitled to sex and thus all the good looking men simply cheat them out of their God-given "right'.

 However they Do Not encourage things like improving your physical and mental health, education and interests or empathy. Incels are considered a hate group for this reason.

Then get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

But I never said that I was "entitled" to anything? 

However, you can't deny that a proportion of men have an advantage over others through factors outside of their control. It is somewhat naïve to believe in a just-world fallacy where everyone gets what they deserve.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, metalfantom said:

It is somewhat naïve to believe in a just-world fallacy where everyone gets what they deserve.

It's naïve to think you "deserve" sex.

[metalfantom]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's naïve to think you "deserve" sex.

Who said that I did?  

[Lambert]

3 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

But I never said that I was "entitled" to anything? 

However, you can't deny that a proportion of men have an advantage over others through factors outside of their control. It is somewhat naïve to believe in a just-world fallacy where everyone gets what they deserve.

totally deny this. life is what you make it. 

You're excusing some preconceived idea of what you are for what it really is- lack of drive to improve any problems you have.  

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So it's on each of us to ensure we have more to offer than physical attributes.

Get into therapy.  You've got more power and control over this than you realize.  Work on that.  Change your life and your outlook will change 

[bluecastle]

13 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Get into therapy.  You've got more power and control over this than you realize. 

I'm going to second this. 

It seems that you've constructed a specific narrative: that others have it easier than you, that you will never have what they have, and so it follows that rage becomes a source of comfort, if a jagged one, because it reaffirms this worldview. 

But when you realize that's all you're dealing with here—a certain way of viewing things, rather than hard, immutable facts and truths—you pry open a door for another point of view. 

24 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

However, you can't deny that a proportion of men have an advantage over others through factors outside of their control. It is somewhat naïve to believe in a just-world fallacy where everyone gets what they deserve.

What do you mean by this exactly? That a man who is born super handsome and/or super rich and or super grounded has an "advantage"? 

[metalfantom]

20 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

What do you mean by this exactly? That a man who is born super handsome and/or super rich and or super grounded has an "advantage"? 

I mean there are certain inherited advantages people have over others. It could be physical (height, bone structure, musculature) social class, or even personality quirks like charisma. That's why I believe a lot of guys don't earn a girlfriend, so much as exploit the gifts they were given.

A lot of our success in life is deterministic, but it doesn't pay to admit it, because we want to believe we're in control of our own destiny. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, metalfantom said:

However, when I see couples in public I still get filled with heartache and visceral rage.

Reminds me on the pic

Anyway, you need to start working on yourself. If you dont see yourself in good light, how do you expect others to see you in good light? So yes, therapy should be your primary option. It would help you feeling better about yourself and maybe you could even workon your social issues with the therapist. Because like this, you would just be consumed by your hate for others. 

[boltnrun]

This same narrative has been posted on this forum several times. It usually goes as follows: OP posts expressing his rage and anger at never having had a girlfriend and insists that only the most physically beautiful or wealthy are able to "get" women. Then when it's pointed out that many, many physically unattractive people and/or people of modest or even poor means have girlfriends and wives, it's countered with "yeah, but have you seen their wives and girlfriends? Bottom of the barrel there!" 

Bitterness and rage are easily detected. No one wants to date someone who's filled with anger and jealousy. It's just not fun to be around those kind of people.

I mean, I want to be physically fit. But if I sit at home gorging on fatty junk food and never exercise I won't ever be fit. Should I rage at physically fit people, insisting they have it easier than me? 

So how do you fix this? By doing everything you can to be healthy, positive and fun to be around. Stop looking online for sites and media personalities who reinforce your negative mindset. Hang out with people who are fun, healthy and positive. Don't glower in a corner but instead engage with others, even if it's just for a few minutes. Have pleasant interactions with others. And if you want to change your appearance or your job, take steps to do so. 

I know I'd rather be in a good mood than be angry and bitter. It's a choice.

[itsallgrand]

7 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

I mean there are certain inherited advantages people have over others. It could be physical (height, bone structure, musculature) social class, or even personality quirks like charisma. That's why I believe a lot of guys don't earn a girlfriend, so much as exploit the gifts they were given.

A lot of our success in life is deterministic, but it doesn't pay to admit it, because we want to believe we're in control of our own destiny. 

I think that's true to an extent. And even so, so what are you going to do about that? There's things you can't control and others you can. All we can do is work our asses off with what we've got, and there's tremendous value and attractiveness when someone does that. 

Take for example, 2 people who experience deafness. One gives up, gets pissed off at the world and envies those with hearing. And stays there, getting more miserable by the day. The other, has their moments of anger and grief, but doesn't dwell on them, gets the treatment to work through those feelings, learns new ways to communicate and engage and to thrive. 

You can admit certain things aren't fair and suck... But don't get stuck there. Others are suggesting doctor for check up, that's a good idea! Therapy of you are stuck or experiencing depression. 

 

[SooSad33]

15 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

That's why I believe a lot of guys don't earn a girlfriend, so much as exploit the gifts they were given.

This only lasts for so long. A woman ( normal) can't be 'bought'.  In the end, it's whether they are compatible. Same goes for looks.  People change, all things change in time.

Is not right to be seeing couples the way you do.  You seem to have a deep rooted anger and you know this.

As mentioned, consider reaching out for some prof help to help you work through all of this.

 

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Bitterness and rage are easily detected. No one wants to date someone who's filled with anger and jealousy. It's just not fun to be around those kind of people.

I mean, I want to be physically fit. But if I sit at home gorging on fatty junk food and never exercise I won't ever be fit. Should I rage at physically fit people, insisting they have it easier than me? 

So how do you fix this? By doing everything you can to be healthy, positive and fun to be around. Stop looking online for sites and media personalities who reinforce your negative mindset. Hang out with people who are fun, healthy and positive.

I agree with this.

 

10 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Take for example, 2 people who experience deafness. One gives up, gets pissed off at the world and envies those with hearing. And stays there, getting more miserable by the day. The other, has their moments of anger and grief, but doesn't dwell on them, gets the treatment to work through those feelings, learns new ways to communicate and engage and to thrive. 

You can admit certain things aren't fair and suck... But don't get stuck there. Others are suggesting doctor for check up, that's a good idea! Therapy of you are stuck or experiencing depression. 

Another good response.

 

 

[metalfantom]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Bitterness and rage are easily detected. No one wants to date someone who's filled with anger and jealousy. It's just not fun to be around those kind of people.

Don't you think this is a vicious cycle? I'm angry and jealous because I'm disadvantaged and can't get a girlfriend, but the only way to get a girlfriend is not to be angry and jealous... 

[bluecastle]

21 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

I mean there are certain inherited advantages people have over others. It could be physical (height, bone structure, musculature) social class, or even personality quirks like charisma.

Sure, this is all real, to an extent. Then again, it's equally real that people who didn't draw those primo lottery numbers from the DNA gods, or who weren't born into the rarified silver spoon strata, find themselves is rich, loving, and saucy partnerships. So, what to make of that? 

25 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

That's why I believe a lot of guys don't earn a girlfriend, so much as exploit the gifts they were given.

I find this language disconcerting. Personally I don't think anyone should have to "earn" their partner. Connection is far more sweet and mysterious than that. It's not a performance, or a workout, or an "exploitation" of "gifts." It's two people colliding, finding some adhesion points, and giving a go at a wild experiment that is sometimes wonderful, sometimes not, and—key point here—has nothing to do with you or me or anyone but them. 

From my limited experience as a person in the world, it seems that a good attitude and curious, open disposition is the stickiest of glue, far more than looks, class, charm. That stuff has some power, no doubt. But if it's only that stuff? Doesn't go too far or too deep.

From these seats it kind of seems that you have put such an emphasis on what you don't have that it's come to eclipse—in your own mind—whatever it is you do have. Can't help but think that if you found a way to nourish the former, without fixating on the latter, you'll experience some kind of shift. Might not be immediate, but could be profound nonetheless. 

 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Don't you think this is a vicious cycle? I'm angry and jealous because I'm disadvantaged and can't get a girlfriend, but the only way to get a girlfriend is not to be angry and jealous... 

But who has control to put an end to the viscous cycle?

[metalfantom]

Just this morning I was walking to work when I saw a young guy holding hands with his gf. The guy must have been about 6'4. I felt completely dwarfed by him. And then came the burning hatred followed by crippling self-loathing. I know these feelings are unhealthy and unnatural but I cannot escape them 😔

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Don't you think this is a vicious cycle? I'm angry and jealous because I'm disadvantaged and can't get a girlfriend, but the only way to get a girlfriend is not to be angry and jealous... 

It's a choice.

What "disadvantages" do you have? Make a list. Then see which ones you can work on.

For example, I am short. Short women don't look as good in certain fashions, plus most clothes aren't designed for someone who's as short as I am. I'm not going to grow any taller, but I can look for and wear things that are more flattering to me. I have awful, unruly, out of control curly hair. No, not curly. It's just a big pile of nap. So I find someone who can give me a decent cut and use proper styling products. I am getting old so my skin isn't as firm as it was when I was younger. But I can still get as fit as possible. I wasn't making enough money to be able to afford leisure activities and a decent wardrobe so I worked hard and got a better job. I was told I can come across as extremely stern, unfriendly and like I have no sense of humor, so I determined to smile more and say hello to people more often and laugh at their jokes.

So yeah, it's not as simple as "just stop it!" It takes steps, and it takes sticking to a plan until it becomes natural.

Unless you want to stay angry, bitter and unhappily single and you find your anger and bitterness somehow comforting...

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Just this morning I was walking to work when I saw a young guy holding hands with his gf. The guy must have been about 6'4. I felt completely dwarfed by him. And then came the burning hatred followed by crippling self-loathing. I know these feelings are unhealthy and unnatural but I cannot escape them 😔

Okay, but 6’4” is not average height. 5’10” is average height. How tall are you ? 

[metalfantom]

I must say that I have been very encouraged by the mature, intelligent responses so far. I've tried to seek help on other communities before and either been completely demonized or had every negative thought reinforced (which is not what I want). 

[Seraphim]

If you are just looking at the extremes and not the average person that could be your problem. 

[metalfantom]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Okay, but 6’4” is not average height. 5’10” is average height. How tall are you ? 

I'm 6'0 on a good day, but it feels like a zero-sum-game when you're competing with giants.

[Seraphim]

Just now, metalfantom said:

I'm 6'0 on a good day, but it feels like a zero-sum-game when you're competing with giants.

As I have said 5’10” is average so you are not competing with giants unless you are in Scandinavia. If you are in North America you are already above average in height. My son is about your height and he is above average. His dad is 5’9”. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

And then came the burning hatred followed by crippling self-loathing. I know these feelings are unhealthy and unnatural but I cannot escape them 

You're completely brainwashed by manosphere hate groups . Google it: "Incels (Involuntary celibates)- ADL". Even your language and twisted logic fits to a tee. Therapy could help you but you would probably just argue with the therapist using the same twisted logic....The therapist is a 6' "Chad" and so on.

[boltnrun]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Okay, but 6’4” is not average height. 5’10” is average height. How tall are you ? 

My son is 6'4". He talks often about wishing he was shorter. He has to scrunch down when his friends take group pics and he can't find pants or shirts that fit him and he hits his head on the roofs of cars and has to duck when going through doorways. And he has trouble finding shoes because most of the ones he likes don't come in sizes large enough for him. But he isn't angry and bitter and raging at others. He knows there isn't anything he can do about it, so he just makes the best of things.

Everyone has things they'd like to change about themselves. Even the pretty people.

[metalfantom]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

As I have said 5’10” is average so you are not competing with giants unless you are in Scandinavia. If you are in North America you are already above average in height. My son is about your height and he is above average. His dad is 5’9”. 

My best friend is 6'4, whenever we would go out, girls would always gravitate towards him, because his height made him stand out, and he has chiselled features. I would just end up shrinking away and leaving early. It was soul-crushing for me.