How do I stop feeling jealous and angry towards couples?

[metalfantom]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 You haven't listed all the things you have done to improve your predicament.

What healthcare professionals have you consulted about your supposed deformity?

What education, classes and courses have you taken to enlighten yourself and make a good living?

 Do you have your own job, car, money, place?

What sports, fitness and healthful activities have you enrolled in to improve your physical and mental health?

 What clubs and groups have you joined to improve your social circle and skills?

Or are you just reading more incels crap daily arguing across multiple platforms looking for pity and trying to convince people of your misogynistic hate philosophy?

I've been bounced around between several specialists. None of them have the courage to operate on me. They haven't grasped that if can't have my deformity fixed, then I will end up committing suicide. I'm not living like this any longer. So, I either find someone to help me or I'm killing myself.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

They haven't grasped that if can't have my deformity fixed, then I will end up committing suicide. I'm not living like this any longer. So, I either find someone to help me or I'm killing myself.

You need to stop making threats on forums and call a mental health hotline.

[boltnrun]

Please call 911 or 999 to get help.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Yes, we get blitzed with multiple interests.  But I promise you that it's rare that any of them come through.  I mean, really?!  What would be the purpose of lying about this?

Again, a woman's real life experience.  Not just conjecture.

Do you have or have you had close platonic relationships with women? Also I had no problem getting attention as far as offers for first dates, first meets.  That's a far cry from how very hard it is to find the right person especially in one's 30s -assuming there is no desire to settle.  (If I'd settled I'd have been married at age 23.)

[tattoobunnie]

On 8/9/2022 at 4:58 PM, metalfantom said:

Come on, we both know it's not that easy to beat negative patterns of behaviour or thinking. As soon as I see a couple (young, old, my age, it doesn't really matter) I'm instantly reminded of what I can never have, and the inequities of life. That's hard to overcome, you know.

Take it one day at a time.  Retraining your brain (which is what you need if I am not clear enough) takes time.  It takes 30 days to create a habit.  90 days for a life change.  Even take things an hour at a time.  Like let's say you get coffee, instead of focusing on others around you, say hello to the wait staff or the barista and ask them how they are doing, and smile.  And listen for a response.  And say thank you.  Get your order, and just enjoy your coffee, or tea, or whatever.  

The next day, when you wake up, clean your home even just for an hour.  Just helps your brain feel positive.  Then when you're in the bathroom, just take a look in the mirror, and tell yourself out loud, today is going to be a good day.  

And do something different each and every day even starting today.  Try a new route home from work.  Order takeout from someplace new.  Put your hands and feet in the sand at the beach or walk barefoot on the grass in the park.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take a dance class.  Try out a new exercise workout for that day.  Make a dinner you've never made before.  Buy a decoration for your phone.  Hang up a picture.  Something different each day.

I have read your posts and comments, and the problem is you believe the same thing over and over, and do the same thing over and over, and comment how because you lost the genetic lottery, that this is the rest of your life.  But it's insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

Incels are a real thing; long before it's been politicized.  And it's a common mentality that groups women into these shallow and greedy beings, which perpetuates these people into staying single.  But really, all it comes down to is that you need to relearn how to love yourself.

And when you belittle commenters that are strangers seeing another point of view trying to give you advice, that says more about your insecurities, then it does about us. 

Try something different, and one day at a time.

No one will love you, if you don't love yourself.

[metalfantom]

13 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Take it one day at a time.  Retraining your brain (which is what you need if I am not clear enough) takes time.  It takes 30 days to create a habit.  90 days for a life change.  Even take things an hour at a time.  Like let's say you get coffee, instead of focusing on others around you, say hello to the wait staff or the barista and ask them how they are doing, and smile.  And listen for a response.  And say thank you.  Get your order, and just enjoy your coffee, or tea, or whatever.  

The next day, when you wake up, clean your home even just for an hour.  Just helps your brain feel positive.  Then when you're in the bathroom, just take a look in the mirror, and tell yourself out loud, today is going to be a good day.  

And do something different each and every day even starting today.  Try a new route home from work.  Order takeout from someplace new.  Put your hands and feet in the sand at the beach or walk barefoot on the grass in the park.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take a dance class.  Try out a new exercise workout for that day.  Make a dinner you've never made before.  Buy a decoration for your phone.  Hang up a picture.  Something different each day.

I have read your posts and comments, and the problem is you believe the same thing over and over, and do the same thing over and over, and comment how because you lost the genetic lottery, that this is the rest of your life.  But it's insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

Incels are a real thing; long before it's been politicized.  And it's a common mentality that groups women into these shallow and greedy beings, which perpetuates these people into staying single.  But really, all it comes down to is that you need to relearn how to love yourself.

And when you belittle commenters that are strangers seeing another point of view trying to give you advice, that says more about your insecurities, then it does about us. 

Try something different, and one day at a time.

No one will love you, if you don't love yourself.

I will look into changing up my routine, although something like a dance class is something I could never do, not while I look like this.

However, I'm curious as to how you think this will prevent me reacting negatively to couples IRL? There's no way I can avoid them, especially if I'm going out more. How am I supposed to stop feeling so bitter, envious and ashamed?

[Fudgie]

9 hours ago, metalfantom said:

Some of you have already admitted it's increasingly difficult for men to find relationships. I don't know the reason for that. Maybe it's because women no longer need to find a breadwinner to settle down with, so they're happy to be voluntarily single or only date the most alpha guys? 

I didn't go into it in my first post (and I stated as such) but since you're asking, I'll give my thoughts on this. It's something I've been thinking about for quite a while anyways. I think there has been a "perfect storm" of factors that has given rise to more single/lonely men, some of these factors are newer, some are long-standing. But all together, they definitely contribute to a current imbalance in society when it comes to dating. 

1.) Change in gender roles/expectations.

Batya is right, this is nothing new. Women have been part of the workforce for many, many years now. However, I think the slow but monumental shift away from men being the sole providers is still quite important because it used to be that in order to have a decent quality of life, as a woman, you had to get hitched. Women couldn't own property, hold individual bank accounts, vote, etc. Now, many women do not need a partner to get by financially. Here is some research that shows that millenial women have more pay parity and are MORE educated than their male peers. Not all of these women will not be happy to be single but some of them well (as is their choice/right). 

And some of these women may have short term relationships/flings only...which brings me to my next point...

2.) Sexual liberation

With birth control and the like, casual sex is a lot less "risky" (note, I didn't say no risk, just less) compared to many years past. So naturally, there is more promiscuity for some people to much decreased risk/more societal acceptance. While I am not into casual sex, I pesonally see this as a good thing because someone (man or woman) who wouldn't be happy in monogamy is now free to have their sex fix through non-traditional means, rather than be "stuck" in a relationship that isn't right for them and not fair to the monogamous partner.

However, yes, it means that more men and women can opt for flings/casual sex whenever they want, as a relationship/marriage is no longer "required" for sex.

3.) Online Dating

I've already talked about this before - refer to my first post in this thread. Online dating gives the illusion of an endless "buffet" of suitors, and these sites often have more men than women on them. Now, it is hard for both sexes to find decent relationships but it's infinitely easier for women to get easy, NSA sex. Give me 10 min tops with an internet connection and I can get laid. Not a relationship, just laid. 

2 hours ago, metalfantom said:

That the average woman has no shortage of potential suitors. Online dating is a woman's market. No reasonable person can deny this. 

I don't think anyone here is denying that. Of course it's a woman's market. This has been stated multiple times by other people including myself. 

4 hours ago, metalfantom said:

That makes for depressing reading but nothing I didn't already know. 

It was difficult for guys like me before the rise of dating apps. Now it's mathematically impossible.

Did you read the article? I have. In no part does it say that it's mathematically impossible. Just difficult. The article does not go into the reasons for the disparity (but I did, see above) but it does give some possible suggestions on how to help yourself in this regard. 

I think overall, society needs to change how we raise both our boys and our girls. The article is right: many adult men can be emotionally stunted and have deficits in their abilities to communicate and such. But I don't blame men themselves, more society. How many people have grown up with "men don't cry" and being force fed ideals like *pound chest* MEN STRONG, MEN PROUD PROVIDER *grunt*. Men are still, unfortunately, brought up in many cases being told "Be good, go to school, work hard, get a good job, and you'll find someone and provide for someone you love". But the goal posts have changed. Women don't necessarily want or need a man to come in and pay their way, pull out their chairs, and be their bodyguards while being the "strong silent" type. They want a partner who can support them emotionally, who can be their rock, their friend, and also their lover. At the same time, women still are often fed improbable ideals about how men can/should act and be. It's impossible to have an emotionally sensitive and intelligent partner who also fulfills the old molds of "boys are stoic, don't cry, don't have feelings", etc. 

Until we as a society reform how we teach and reinforce gender roles to kids, nothing is going to change.

You want things to change? Be part of it.

9 hours ago, metalfantom said:

...I walked past a couple on the high street and again I was filled with a maelstrom of emotions, namely hate, anger, and shame. I thought I was going to faint at one point...

This sounds very troubling. Being filled with hatred and feeling like you're going to hate passing a certain person/couple on the street shows that this is impacting your life and functionality in a profound, awful way. This alone makes me urge you to see a therapist, or even a trusted person in your life. I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. 

[Cherylyn]

When I was in high school, I remembered several classmates who were painfully shy, always walked with their noses pointed to the ground, very quiet and bullied.

When I attended my high school reunion years ago, I was shocked to observe these same "misfits" as the major draw in the room.  Why?  Instead of wallowing in their misery, they took the reigns by making something out of their lives.   

One of my friends started out as a lowly sweeper of warehouses and ended up becoming president of the company.  There were many rags to riches stories among the most unpopular classmates from my former high school. 

Suddenly, when they finally made it, former classmates who originally snubbed them, flocked to these new enamored mysterious stars.  These so-called former dweebs were the new 'big men or big women on campus' yet they maintained a very humble, modest attitude because they're secure.  

This can be you, too if you put forth the effort to do something with your life instead of envying others.  Be the man whom others envy.  By that time, you won't care about whom to impress because you've achieved your life's goals.  Don't be preoccupied with others.  Focus and concentrate on getting ahead in life and everything else will follow without your having to try.   

I could never get a date to save my life.  I gave up.  I redirected myself to my work.  Then one day, after ascending in my career, I had arrived and began socializing with other alike achievers.  Life became wonderful.  (I'm married with two sons and reside the suburbs.)  People are attracted to those who've done something with their lives.  Get busy.

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

I will look into changing up my routine, although something like a dance class is something I could never do, not while I look like this.

However, I'm curious as to how you think this will prevent me reacting negatively to couples IRL? There's no way I can avoid them, especially if I'm going out more. How am I supposed to stop feeling so bitter, envious and ashamed?

If you are busy with your life you don’t notice anyone else’s. 

[boltnrun]

Danny Trejo isn't exactly what you'd call "attractive". Bill Gates? Stephen Hocking? The man from My Left Foot?

If I recall correctly, all of them overcame their appearances and made something of themselves and THAT was attractive.

I swear, if you come back with some negative or dismissive comment or say they're the "exception to the rule" I'll tear my awful, unruly, nappy hair out!

[metalfantom]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Danny Trejo isn't exactly what you'd call "attractive". Bill Gates? Stephen Hocking? The man from My Left Foot?

If I recall correctly, all of them overcame their appearances and made something of themselves and THAT was attractive.

I swear, if you come back with some negative or dismissive comment or say they're the "exception to the rule" I'll tear my awful, unruly, nappy hair out!

I have a response to that, but I'll be merciful to your hairdo and... 🤐

[metalfantom]

48 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

People are attracted to those who've done something with their lives.  Get busy.

That sounds shallow to me. Not all of us have the privilege or headstart to make something of our lives.

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, metalfantom said:

However, I'm curious as to how you think this will prevent me reacting negatively to couples IRL? There's no way I can avoid them, especially if I'm going out more. How am I supposed to stop feeling so bitter, envious and ashamed?

I'm not answering here for tattoo, but: 

Right now you are spending your time in one place, your head, a chamber of mirrors where the same ideas bounce around, gather momentum, and eclipse everything else. 

On the other hand, if you take the (small) step and actually do something different—the coffee shop example, volunteering, something within your grasp—what you do in essence is shatter some of those internal mirrors by allowing new information to come through. The ideas bounce less, lose momentum. And maybe, just maybe, the couple that stirs rage today is tomorrow (or a few months from now) just a couple that has nothing to do with you, and in the process you become a more appealing person—to yourself and, by extension, to others. 

Because what, really, is the alternative?

[metalfantom]

30 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Because what, really, is the alternative?

Suicide?

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, metalfantom said:

I will look into changing up my routine, although something like a dance class is something I could never do, not while I look like this.

However, I'm curious as to how you think this will prevent me reacting negatively to couples IRL? There's no way I can avoid them, especially if I'm going out more. How am I supposed to stop feeling so bitter, envious and ashamed?

Because you are working on and focusing on a bigger problem to solve.  Other people, other couples, aren't the problem, and a woman isn't the solution.  The only thing you can change or work on, is you.  

You don't need to do a dance class; just throwing out things to do.  BBBut if you find it scary, or feel you can't dance, you know what, I think you should try it at least 3 times.  You'd be amazed that most of the things is just you getting in your way.

Your little voice that tells you you aren't good enough, too short, not rich enough is not being kind to you, and you need to tell it to get lost.  And it takes one step at a time to do it.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Suicide

Call 988. The national mental health hotline. No one on an anonymous forum can help you with threats like that or direct to appropriate local resources. It' manipulative to keep making threats. You know where to get help, so do so.

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, metalfantom said:

That sounds shallow to me. Not all of us have the privilege or headstart to make something of our lives.

It's like saying Mother Theresa or Gandi is ugly and worthless; they also came from nothing.  The glue to keep a relationship strong isn't looks or money; it never ever is.

[metalfantom]

3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

It's like saying Mother Theresa or Gandi is ugly and worthless; they also came from nothing.  The glue to keep a relationship strong isn't looks or money; it never ever is.

Thing is, I wouldn't think less of a woman if she hasn't backpacked across the Congo or kickstarted her own business enterprise. If we had similar values, interests and humour that would be enough. But I guess attraction doesn't work the same way in reverse.

[metalfantom]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Call 988. The national mental health hotline. No one on an anonymous forum can help you with threats like that or direct to appropriate local resources. It' manipulative to keep making threats. You know where to get help, so do so.

It's not manipulative. Suicide is a logical option, and one that I consider on a daily basis. I'm fed up of this worthless life. 

[metalfantom]

By the way, how do you think evolution works if every genetic abomination like me can just "try" their way to finding a mate and reproducing?

[bluecastle]

1 minute ago, metalfantom said:

Thing is, I wouldn't think less of a woman if she hasn't backpacked across the Congo or kickstarted her own business enterprise. If we had similar values, interests and humour that would be enough. But I guess attraction doesn't work to the same way in reverse.

Rather than backing away from sweeping generalizations—as is my natural instinct, and, I do hope, something you'll try in the future—I'll meet this one with what I feel is more prevalent cliche: 

When I walk around the world, or just sit on my couch and watch TV or zone out to nonsense on my phone, what comes back to me is that women are far, far less obsessed with looks than men. Among my friends, whom I consider a good, well-rounded lot, I am far more likely to hear a man tout the beauty of someone he's dating than a woman, who (broad brushstrokes here) tend to immediately highlight a sense of humor and value system.

My personal sense, all in all, is that it's much harder to be a woman than a man when it comes to dating, romance, connecting. Sure, they likely get more hits on dating apps. Big whoop. They also are more likely to be harassed, diminished, talked over, stalked, and so forth—threats that do not merely pose dangers to their egos but to their physical well-being. I have never once feared for my safety when it comes to dating; I don't think I know a single woman who has not, in some way. 

I understand, best I can, that having a deformity would make you ultra focused on looks, on giving them a lot of power, since it cuts close to the quick of a very vulnerable place in your own life. But (again, broad brushstrokes) people tend to date within their circle in this realm, and there are all sorts of realms out there, which is to say they really don't matter all that much in the big picture. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

 every genetic abomination like me

What exactly is this 'deformity' that physicians, plastic surgeons, etc. you claim you consulted won't repair? If you do in fact have a deformity, any reconstructive or appropriate surgeon would help you. But it's doubtful that you have one or consulted any healthcare providers for it.

[metalfantom]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly is this 'deformity' that physicians, plastic surgeons, etc. you claim you consulted won't repair? If you do in fact have a deformity, any reconstructive or appropriate surgeon would help you. But it's doubtful that you have one or consulted any healthcare providers for it.

I've seen several surgeons, they've all told me the risks outweigh the benefits. They don't give a crap that it's my life on the line. They effectively just want me to "make do". 

[boltnrun]

If you ask for help and suggestions and then scornfully reject every single one of them...what exactly do you want from us?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you ask for help and suggestions and then scornfully reject every single one of them...what exactly do you want from us?

Just one incendiary hyperbolical reply after the next. That is how some folks spend their time.