Bf won’t talk about the future

[ReachMabry]

I have a bf and we’ve been together 8yrs. But when I initiate talk about the future he changes the subject or doesn’t want to talk about it or tells me to stop talking about it.

 

We've had our ups and downs. He tells me he loves me when won’t/ can’t articulate moving forward in terms of marriage and kids (yes he wants those thing). He can’t even articulate that he wants to be together with me.

 

I don’t know what to do.

[Lambert]

8 years is long time to be with a person that can't communicate.

What do you want? 

[catfeeder]

Are you wasting your best fertility years on someone who won't even confirm a desire to be with you, much less discuss what a future together looks like for him?

I'd ask myself this question: given 8 years, if this is the most that BF will ever offer me--no less, but no more--is this enough for me?

If the answer is yes, then here you are--so ditch all further aspirations to stop torturing yourself.

If the answer is no, then decide how long you're willing to stay tethered to this BF at the expense of the future you envision.

If you want more than this, the question becomes, when are you willing to go find it?

[MissCanuck]

After 8 years, if my boyfriend couldn't even say whether he wanted to be with me in the future, then I would know the answer is: no, he doesn't really want a future with me. 

You are wasting your time with him, OP. I think you know this. The better question is, what is keeping you there? 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ReachMabry said:

.He tells me he loves me when won’t/ can’t articulate moving forward in terms of marriage and kids. He can’t even articulate that he wants to be together with me

Do you live together? How old is he?

8 years is a long time to waste with someone whose complacent and just coasting along.

You know you need to end it.

 

[ReachMabry]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? How old is he?

8 years is a long time to waste with someone whose complacent and just coasting along.

You know you need to end it.

 

he’s 33, i’m 34. i really don’t understand any of it myself.

he says he loves me but when i bring up marriage and kids he shuts down. 

yes, we live together.

[Kwothe28]

He shuts down about marriage and kids because he doesnt want those stuff. He may even loves you, but cant offer you that stuff because he just doesnt want it. If you want marriage and kids, you should find somebody else who does want that. Like this, he is only keeping you there without any intention for your relationship to progress further into marriage and family with kids.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ReachMabry said:

he’s 33, i’m 34. when i bring up marriage and kids he shuts down. we live together.

Do you co-own, co-lease or is it your place or his place? Move out/ask him to move. He's coasting along playing house as a convenience.  There's nothing to "understand", he's just taking up space in your life and doesn't wan what you want.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, ReachMabry said:

he’s 33, i’m 34. i really don’t understand any of it myself.

he says he loves me but when i bring up marriage and kids he shuts down. 

yes, we live together.

Can you imagine a life like this?

“Honey, we haven’t booked an officiant for the wedding. Are you able to look into this?” Shut down. 

“I think we’re running out of diapers for Molly. Do you have a moment to run out to the store? I’ve got my hands full.” Shut down.

”The house is burning!” Shut down. 

If his default is to shut down whenever he is uncomfortable as opposed to dealing with things head on or hands on, what do you suspect his behaviour to be with your lives have co-mingled or far more complicated? This man’s default is to shut down or not address what you’re saying. Be wary and careful if he’s using you for housing, etc. You both are only roommates living together.

[smackie9]

It's obvious you two were not meant for each other or he would have been eager to get married 5 years ago and already have a family by now. So many women wait...stop waiting and get out of this waste of time relationship while you still have time. 

[Cherylyn]

He's not serious about you or the relationship.  I'm sorry.

He's not serious about a committed future with you nor is he willing to discuss it.  He prefers to maintain the relationship as is without any changes whatsoever.  Get his message loud and clear.

Don't waste any more time, energy, resources, blood, sweat and tears on him.  It's time to go your separate ways permanently. 

[boltnrun]

No, he doesn't want marriage and kids.

By chance has he given you any conditions or requirements he wants you to meet before he'll marry you or have kids?

[ReachMabry]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

No, he doesn't want marriage and kids.

By chance has he given you any conditions or requirements he wants you to meet before he'll marry you or have kids?

He’s given no stipulations. No requirements. Nothing.

[DancingFool]

OP, his silence is telling you everything you need to know - he doesn't see any future with you, at least not in terms marriage, family, kids and he doesn't have the basic human decency to tell you so and set you free to find a man who wants these things. He is too selfish for words in that respect. He is comfortable using you as warm place holder and he doesn't care about you, your desires, your welfare in terms of your ability to have a family. He is happy to burn your life like that just because he is comfy for now and because he is not bound by biology. He can wait until he is 40 before he wakes up and decides he wants a younger woman and a family and out you go.

I know it's easy to say, but you have to buckle up and tell him flat out that either he steps up or he needs to get out of your life for good and mean it 100%. I'd give him 60 days to either stay or get out. You've been together 8 years, so there are no excuses about wanting to get to know you or being unsure or whatever. When you do say get out, mean it and do actually kick him out or leave him whatever way your living situation works best. If you are to leave, I'd start looking at places right now and let him know.

Also, I wouldn't be dramatic about, just blunt and direct - I've tried to talk to you about our future, but I don't get any response from you other than shut down. This tells me that our life goals are not aligned like I thought they were. I still love you, but I want a family and children and a man who is excited to build that life with me. If you feel like you are that man, let me know. If not, we will be parting ways on x date. Meeeeaaaaannnnn it and do it.

[boltnrun]

Do you want to wake up ten years from now, still not married and still not a mother? Is holding onto him worth giving up your wish for a husband and children?

[Cherylyn]

Don't let him rob your youth.  Don't waste more time on a man who doesn't share the same visions for the future regarding marriage and children.  Both of you are not on the same wavelength. 

Ask yourself these questions:  "Where does he see himself in 10 years?"  "What type of father will he be for my child?"  "What type of husband will he be for me?"  If these questions have no answer, then there's your answer.  He doesn't want what you want.  He doesn't agree with you whatsoever. 

He's stringing you along.  Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? 

 

[Blue_Skirt]

On 8/3/2022 at 3:19 AM, ReachMabry said:

I have a bf and we’ve been together 8yrs. But when I initiate talk about the future he changes the subject or doesn’t want to talk about it or tells me to stop talking about it.

What do you think will change in year 9, 10, 11.......?

Stop wasting your time on him, he has shown you 8 years who he is.

[Andrina]

From an article on women's biological clock: "For women, we see a gradual decrease in pregnancy rates after age 32, then after age 35 to 37 it becomes more pronounced.”

Who knows what his deal is. Too cowardly to break up? Wants to treat you badly so you'll pull the plug and save him from the drama of you pleading to stay together? You're the breadwinner and he's too lazy to afford such niceties on his own?

In the end, it doesn't matter.

Just think of yourself, and that what you want, you aren't getting from him, so honor your own needs and free yourself so you can meet someone who has the same life goals as you.

And I do bring up the biological clock if you truly want children, because you have to date a boatload of men, usually, to find that gem. And then it does take a few years to truly know if the man will be a good spouse, and hopefully a good dad (if you can see how he is around children of relatives, etc.)

This isn't going to happen if you don't dump this nowhere man ASAP. Good luck.

[reinventmyself]

Imagine 8 more years of the same?  How will you feel about him then?  You are at risk of feeling resentful and possibly mad at yourself that you didn't think you deserved better.  It may be hard but you only get one life.  

 

[waffle]

Things will change for you when you realize there is no "future" . . . that's an abstract and vague term.  The future is NOW.  This is your life; are you happy with it?