To reply or not reply?

[poorlittlefish]

When I got messages from men I wasn't attracted to, I used to send a polite reply.  They usually live too far away, so it'd be something like "Thanks for your message (and kind words, if they'd given me a compliment).  Unfortunately I'm looking for someone more local, so I wish you all the best with finding someone nice."  Sometimes I'd get abusive replies or they'd start pleading with me, so I stopped sending replies.  Now I get abusive messages for not replying.  Last night's one was full of personal insults and said it's no wonder I'm single when I have no common decency.

I know it's kinda their problem if they can't take rejection, but I just thought I'd ask what everyone else does - thanks!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

.  Last night's one was full of personal insults and said it's no wonder I'm single when I have no common decency.

Sorry this is happening. Is there a way to report these trolls? Is there a way to delete/ block them?

Perhaps a more succinct no thanks then delete/block would be the best option.

You may be being a bit too polite. They don't really need elaborate explanations or well wishes.

 

[Kwothe28]

Is your dating app "matchmaking" or anybody can send you message? Its weird if anybody can send you a message just like that, even people you dont like.

Anyway, I think your polite reply was a nice way to go. Its a norm today not to reply at all, but I think it is rude. Someone at least took an effort to shoot you a message so be polite and respond even if it is "I am not interested". What happens later is not your fault. When they start being rude you can block or even report them to be banned. There is no point in arguing if somebody is like that. 

[poorlittlefish]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Is there a way to report these trolls? Is there a way to delete/ block them?

Perhaps a more succinct no thanks then delete/block would be the best option.

You may be being a bit too polite. They don't really need elaborate explanations or well wishes.

 

Unfortunately I got that abuse for not having replied at all!  This is happening on Match, a paid-for site, but I've had it on PoF too.  I think that blocking those I'm not interested in might be the safest way to go.

[JoyfulCompany]

Aah, the reality of being a woman these days... damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Reminds me of this reddit post and the whole r/whenwomenrefuse subreddit. I hope it's not against the rules to refer to other platforms: Don't block men, they said. Just turn them down politely, they said.

Honestly, OP, do what's comfortable to you. You don't owe anything to strangers. Polite or not, rude or not, you'll get a lot of misplaced negativity anyway. Don't think much of it and protect yourself.

Some people count any answer as engaging with them, even a firm "no". Heck, some people will think you owe them to be their gf after they've seen a picture of you.

Definitely report or block people who escalate.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

When I got messages from men I wasn't attracted to, I used to send a polite reply.  They usually live too far away, so it'd be something like "Thanks for your message (and kind words, if they'd given me a compliment).  Unfortunately I'm looking for someone more local, so I wish you all the best with finding someone nice."  Sometimes I'd get abusive replies or they'd start pleading with me, so I stopped sending replies.  Now I get abusive messages for not replying.  Last night's one was full of personal insults and said it's no wonder I'm single when I have no common decency.

I know it's kinda their problem if they can't take rejection, but I just thought I'd ask what everyone else does - thanks!

To me it depended -if we might have mutual friends or acuaintances and the message was nice I'd write "thanks for your message -I don't think we have enough in common so I don't think it makes sense to [meet/keep in touch]."  I also got the abusive messages etc.

It's not "ghosting" not to reply.  It's fine especially if they didn't read your profile - I was contacted by separated men, men who lived far away, who weren't interested in having children when my profile was clear on all those points.

Recently I was hit on (I guess that was his intention) by a man on Facebook a few weeks ago -typically I ignore and block but we had many mutual friends so it seemed and he listed his fiance's name plus he'd just joined Facebook.  The message was normal.  And I figured I might know him professionally or my husband might . I asked him if we knew each other etc.  He replied evasively.  I replied that I only friended men who I knew or my husband knew and I was comfortable if he wanted to connect via Linkedin instead.  He replied with "hi".  I blocked him. 

So for me it's not a one size fits all. I met over 100 men in person via dating sites and communicated with hundreds.

[Rose Mosse]

The ones not paying attention to the distance are the desperate ones. You’re supposed to block with no parting words. Don’t worry about that. 

Adjust your settings to prevent this from happening. I believe most dating apps have a mi/km radius of interest.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I think that blocking those I'm not interested in might be the safest way to go.

Yes. There's no need to keep dead weight/trolls on the app.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I think that blocking those I'm not interested in might be the safest way to go.

Yep. No need to suffer the fallout of anyone else's problems.

[waffle]

8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I got that abuse for not having replied at all!  This is happening on Match, a paid-for site, but I've had it on PoF too.  I think that blocking those I'm not interested in might be the safest way to go.

This is very common with online interactions in general, and more so with one-on-one conversations.  It's the world we have created and now live in.

Paid apps are arguably much worse because there is this sense of entitlement.  You paid XX amount of money and now you're owed results--and if not then you're not getting your money's worth.  (By "you" I mean them).  No one likes to waste money so when these guys aren't getting the results they've paid for, that's where the anger comes in.

View it as the undesirables weeding themselves out..  The trash taking itself out, if you will.  Obviously you wouldn't be interested in becoming involved with someone like that no matter how close they live, so they did you the favor of showing up front who they really are.

[smackie9]

That’s why they are single and use dating apps out of there own desperation. They are too busy blaming women for there issues when they are too stupid to see they are the common denominator. If it’s that bad try the old fashion way and go out and meet people through friends or family. Go hangout with a buddy and hopefully catch someone’s eye. 

[Stargazer2]

Dear Poorlittlefish, I apologize for my sex that you've been receiving these nasty messages on the dating site, that's so wrong and out of line.   No one owes it to you to be interested in them, that's just for sore losers IMO.

Back when I was using dating sites, I think I always viewed it in a similar way as you would view fishing.  When you see someone who looks intriguing to you, you send them a note of interest, which is like dropping your fishing line in the water, hoping to get a bite.

But the fish don't owe it to you to find your offering appealing and don't owe you an explanation as to why either, if you don't feel inclined to give one.

I always felt that if I didn't get a reply, that was all the answer I needed, end of story, time to move on.   

I was never, ever mad about it, no one owes it to me to be interested in me, anymore than I owe it to others to be interested in them!    

As others have said, I'd suggest just blocking those who send rude messages, or maybe even block people who message you that you're not interested in, before they can send a nastygram.

It's unfortunate I guess if it needs to come to that, as maybe some perfectly nice guys who would never send mean messages are able to see you blocked them and feel like gee, it's fine that she didn't reply, but did she have to rub my nose in it by blocking me?

I don't know what happens on your particular system, does the person who is blocked get notified that they've been blocked?, or does the system just stop passing thru messages from that person?

Anyway, sorry this has been happening to you, and I hope you have better luck in the future!

[Lambert]

this has happened to me, too. I just block and thank them (in my mind) for showing me so clearly, they are not for me.

At some point just have to own their poor behavior. you can't be proactive about everything or blame yourself. 

[Andrina]

When I did OLD, I did put in my profile that I was only interested in local dating. It didn't stop some LD guys from messaging, but maybe it put a dent in the amount.

I believe that a large majority of those guys who get nasty are scammers and are upset they haven't been successful in reeling in a victim. If that happens, just picture a devil that you've beaten in his sordid game.

If a guy put in a lot of effort into a message he obviously tailored to my profile (not a generic message), that is when I'd take the time to thank him and let him know in the nicest way possible, that I wasn't interested.

I was never taken in by a scammer, but I did begin noticing what I believe were scammers with something wily they would try--saying they would soon be moving to my town, in about 3 or 4 months for a job. As for me, if I was moving for a job, I'd be busy preparing for my move and not scouting out dating prospects in that area ahead of time. Just something to be aware of.

If you haven't supplemented OLD with Meetup. com groups, I highly recommend it. Good luck.

[Wonderstruck]

You don't owe ANYONE on a dating site a reply if you're not interested.

Always, ALWAYS do everything you can to protect your physical and mental well-being FIRST.

I would say that the safest thing to do would be to either:

a) Not reply at all, and then block anyone who dares to be rude to you about it.

or

b) Preemptively block anyone who contacts you that you're not interested in, just so you can avoid the trauma of potentially being harassed afterwards for not replying.

NEVER prioritize being "nice" over protecting yourself.