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Stargazer2

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Stargazer2 last won the day on July 17 2022

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  1. Hi Needinghelp10, you didn't mention craigslist when looking for used things, that can sometime be a decent choice, or it has been for me from time to time. Especially if you live in a metro area, and things you need that are probably okay to buy used (IMO) (like tables, lamps, dressers, and so on, things you can easily wipe down with disenfectant), are available nearby, so you don't have to spend a lot of time driving to go see.
  2. On the budget for furnishing your new place, I myself would never buy used bedding (bed bugs are making a come-back I understand), but on craigslist, or other places you can often find furniture, lamps, etc., etc. for very cheap prices. Wipe them down, spray them with lysol, etc, etc., and many things like coffee tables, end tables, etc. do not have fabric surfaces so they will clean up safely and quickly. You mentioned IKEA - to me mind, and just my opinion - they sell disposable, overpriced furniture that gets scratched, banged-up and looking very used quickly - crap furniture, but NOT cheap. I'm not an IKEA fan myself. On figuring out what expenses you're maybe failing to take into account, do you have a computer? If so, for free you can search the web for an alternate to the expensive Microsoft office suite, called Apache OpenOffice. I've used it for free for years now - it has a Word processor, and for what I have in mind regarding budgeting, a spreadsheet that's a replacement for MS Excel. What you could do is enter all your KNOWN budget items (as you've already listed) on one spreadsheet tab, and then add to that as you think of more things over time, and use the spreadsheet to total your known budget items for you. On a separate tab, if you wanted to take the time to do so, you could then you could start actually logging all your expenses, as you incur them. That way, expenses that you sort of forgot about, might start appearing. In other words, they aren't unexpected surprises perhaps, just expenses that you missed thinking of when you were filling out your budget. In this way, as you "discover" expenses you're actually incurring, you can then ask yourself "okay, is this an expense that I want or need to continue paying for when I move out?", and if so, you would then add it to that other spreadsheet tab that lists your budget items. Anyway, just some ideas, hope this is useful. Good luck!
  3. Dear Heartbroken7, I was thinking about what could make your guy suddenly do this out of the blue, given that you had such a great relationship. The one thing that occurred to me was this - what if he suddenly was told he had a terminal illness, like cancer for example, and was told he only had a certain number of months to live? In that cause, loving you as he does, he might have incorrectly, but with the best of intentions, decided that he was going to spare you from watching him get sicker and sicker, wasting away, spending your time caring for him instead of being with someone else, etc., and that it would be best for you if you just 'moved on'. So in that case his reasoning might have been, I'll just tell her it's over, don't ask me why, and he incorrectly then thought you could perhaps do that and "spare you" from having to deal with that illness, and from spending your time with him instead of someone else who had more of a future to offer you. Of course that would all be erroneous thinking - this mystery breakup was the cruelest way to end things possible IMO, but if there was a terminal illness situation, he may not be thinking clearly and he might have been thinking that he's "doing you a favor" by ending things this way, given his situation. Another possibility of course is just that he met someone else, but given how good things have been between you, and good recently, that seems kind of unlikely, and even if that was the case, I would think he would have enough respect for your relationship to say "I'm so, so sorry, but I have to tell you that I've met someone else, and I just think I'm more compatible with her than you, so I'm having to end things with you", or something like that. On the other hand, the terminal illness theory is something I can see a person mistakenly deciding I just need to end things, "for her sake", and deciding I can't tell her why I'm ending things, because then she'll feel obligated to be with me thru this illness, and that's what I'm trying to avoid. At any rate, that's a theory to consider as a possible explanation for this very strange behavior. Personally, I would definitely text him and very openly tell him how much this is absolutely devastating you. He should know that. And flat-out ask him if he is ending things because he has a terminal illness, or because he met someone else, or ??, and tell him that honestly, no matter what the reason is, NOTHING will hurt you as much as being left with this cruel MYSTERY he has left you with. And if it is a terminal illness situation, and you would want to be there with him thru it, tell him so. I don't see what you have to lose to be honest by doing that, and if he doesn't reply, or whatever, at least in the coming months and years you can honestly tell yourself you did everything possible to figure out what happened to your beautiful relationship, instead of being even more tortured by wondering if you just should have asked him. Does that make sense to ? Best wishes and please hang in there. - Stargazer2
  4. What a mystery, especially if there were no signs at all that things at started to diminish... I do hope that somehow you will be granted the ability to know what did happen, as if it were me, the mystery alone would be really, really upsetting. Have you tried texting him and asking him what happened, even though he asked you not to? Personally, I would. I think you have a right to know, so personally I don't have much respect for his his asking you not to, but of course that's your decision as to whether to do so or not. In case, please hang in there, I hope it will get better for you!
  5. Wow, none of this makes any sense, which is what you're saying. Especially if you had a "very intense beautiful relationship". When you use those words, do you mean it's been that way even recently, or have you seen signs in recent months for example that things were going wrong, or becoming less intense or beautiful? Even if things had seemed to fade a bit recently, that doesn't make this jarring, "mystery" breakup of his an okay thing to do, in my mind anyway. Sorry that mutual friends or his friends are not likely to be much help for you in finding out what his story is. Just kind of hoping that Karma really does exist, and that some does this same thing to him and soon (instant Karma). Then he'll know what it feels like. I just hope that you're able to heal from this in time, and move on in the future with someone more worthy of you! I know that is probably going to take time, and trust will probably be an issue because of this having happened, but I hope eventually you can move past this guy's garbage and move on to new relationship with someone who shows more respect for you and your feelings!
  6. I totally understand, I think anyone would be pretty shattered and totally bewildered by this, I'm so sorry. Do you know any of his friends, and could they give any insights into what's going on with him? Of course, if he was rude enough to say "don't ask me why I'm breaking up with you" he may have also told his friends not to talk to you either. Again, just terrible behavior after 3 years of dating. Geez, this is really bad, so sorry. I'd just suggest if getting info from his friends isn't a way of finding out what his story is, just really bond with some close girlfriends or family and try to get their comfort and support to try to get thru this very rough situation. Maybe see a counselor too if you have access to one thru work or whatever. I wish I had a magic solution to make the pain go away, I'm so sorry.
  7. Wow... After 3 years he broke up with a text, and even said don't text him to ask why?? Sorry, but what a ***! I'd be in total shock as I expect you are. Do you have any contact with friends of his that can give you a clue as to what the heck happened? Not so you can get try to get back with him, my advice there would be to hell with you too, but it was me, I couldn't help but want to know just for the sake of not being left with a mystery, what caused this sudden breakup. Did he meet someone else? Or ?? If he did meet someone else, it would have been much kinder to just say so, rather than just leave you with a complete mystery and then to even tell you not to even ask why he was breaking up with you. I can hardly believe it to be honest. Not good behavior AT ALL, sorry this happened to you! :-(
  8. I'm with Tinydance on this one, what she says makes a lot of sense to me. Another question would be, are you and your multiple partners using a condom and/or doing frequent STD testing? It would be bad enough as the unaware husband or wife to find out your partner had been having an affair without your knowledge or approval, but to also end-up with a potentially deadly STD from some guy or gal your husband or wife had been with? Man, that's really bad and would be just devastating, and again, potentially deadly. I don't know how anyone can really make any reasonable excuses for that being 'okay'.
  9. Dear Poorlittlefish, I apologize for my sex that you've been receiving these nasty messages on the dating site, that's so wrong and out of line. No one owes it to you to be interested in them, that's just for sore losers IMO. Back when I was using dating sites, I think I always viewed it in a similar way as you would view fishing. When you see someone who looks intriguing to you, you send them a note of interest, which is like dropping your fishing line in the water, hoping to get a bite. But the fish don't owe it to you to find your offering appealing and don't owe you an explanation as to why either, if you don't feel inclined to give one. I always felt that if I didn't get a reply, that was all the answer I needed, end of story, time to move on. I was never, ever mad about it, no one owes it to me to be interested in me, anymore than I owe it to others to be interested in them! As others have said, I'd suggest just blocking those who send rude messages, or maybe even block people who message you that you're not interested in, before they can send a nastygram. It's unfortunate I guess if it needs to come to that, as maybe some perfectly nice guys who would never send mean messages are able to see you blocked them and feel like gee, it's fine that she didn't reply, but did she have to rub my nose in it by blocking me? I don't know what happens on your particular system, does the person who is blocked get notified that they've been blocked?, or does the system just stop passing thru messages from that person? Anyway, sorry this has been happening to you, and I hope you have better luck in the future!
  10. I read a really interesting book years ago called "Love tactics: how to win the one you want", that you might want to read, I see it's still on Amazon. It talks about how people don't run from love, but they do tend to run (both sexes) from what the author called "premature commitment", and I'm wondering if men are possibly being scared off by your asking that question on date 3 or 4? I'm just raising that as a possibility, maybe that's not the case, I don't know. If so, I always tended to have the same habit myself, so I can relate, that's why this book was such a revelation to me when I read it, because basically page after page, it would say "now never do this", and often it was something I tended to do on a regular basis! If it seems like their interest seems to diminish AFTER you ask this question, I would suggest considering not asking the question, perhaps you can just sort of sense what they are looking for, at least until a little bit later on, in case it is a situation where they feel like you are asking them to "get serious" and they're not sure they're ready for that maybe?? (premature commitment) Again, just guessing, it's really hard to say without being there to hear and see exactly what you asked and how you asked it and seeing how they reacted of course. Some people I talked to about the book complained that it was just about 'mind games', but it was written by a psychologist, and to me, it seemed more like it just really just reflecting and talking about the way people's minds and emotions actually are, and how to deal intelligently within that framework. I'll relate a story along those lines. I once met a very, very attractive woman and asked her out. She said 'yes', but only as 'friends'. Because of this 'friends' part I had low expectations, but still wanted to take her out, even if it was just for one date, just to have her company. But because my expectations were so low, I think I was actually at my best that night, cool, relaxed, charming instead of all nervous, and I was surprised that she started talking about how I reminded her of her first boyfriend, when I told her I played guitar, she said she wanted me to come to her house some time to play for her. And when I took her home, she made me 'promise' to call her again and gave me a nice kiss, and again, I wasn't even expecting a kiss because of the friendship thing. But here's the key. Having now realized, hey!, I have a chance with this girl! I went wrote her this super-sweet card with probably some stupid romantic sentiments in it (that I thought at the time she would probably like but now would probably make me cringe to read), and sent her flowers I think. Boom, that killed my chances with her! I came on too strong, made myself way too "available", threw myself at her feet so to say, and she pretty much ghosted me then and that was it, no more dates. Whereas, if I'd just casually called her up the following Tuesday and asked her out again, she very well might have eagerly said yes! The book warned against that kind of over-the-top stuff I did (especially so early in a potential relationship), but I followed my instincts, and following my instincts was a mistake! Anyway, what you're doing with your question is not anywhere near as foolish as what I did in this example, but I'm still wondering if you're watching interest DIMINISH after asking that question, if you shouldn't consider waiting a while to ask that question. Again, just a guess on my part... Best of luck to you, you seem like a very nice woman!
  11. I guess I agree with Wiseman2 that talking to your son about this, and fairly soon, is "the lesser of two evils". I think that although it may ruffle some feathers either between you and he, and/or between he and his siblings, if he finds out his sibling was the one who revealed he was seeing this older man, that that is a far lesser evil than this very dangerous, and illegal dating of a man in his 30's. I think if you approached the matter with a lot of love and compassion, which you clearly have, that hopefully any upset would be temporary, and it would be clear, at least when the dust clears in a day or a week or a month (hopefully not that long!) that you were raising this issue purely out of love for him and that you accept him completely. I agree with another poster who suggested I believe, finding a documented real-life case, where an older man took advantage of or hurt a young man, and use that as an example of why you were so concerned when you learned on this encounter he had. That might possibly make your son more accepting of why you are bringing this up with him. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm somehow sensing it would be good to be honest and admit you found out about this thru the sibling, as your son will surely ask how to found about this, and he will suspect your sibling anyway, so trying to hide that might just make him more upset and mad at both you and the sibling? I suppose another alternative is to try to work this whole thing thru with a family counselor, or at least to get the advice of a counselor, although they may possibly be bound legally to treat this as a legal matter with the police, and I'm not sure you want that right off the bat or not, in terms of having it upset your son, and having it seem like a big "betrayal" of his privacy or not. If the man was in fact aware of your son's age, he should be pursued by police IMO, but I'm not sure if having that happen as the first step here is too much of a big shock for your son's sake or not? But I do agree with other posters that one way or the other, probably the responsible thing is to somehow broach this subject with your son, and just try to minimize as much as possible any upset that causes with your son regarding his being gay, and his having this encounter for that matter. At any rate, so sorry you're having to deal with this, it must be very, very traumatic and very worrisome for you. Good luck on finding the best possible solution, I wish I had a magic answer for you.
  12. He was actually somewhat honest with you in saying he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and that maybe you should move on, which ironically is what everyone on the board is correctly telling you as well. It sounds like from what you've said that maybe he actually maybe feels a bit bad about seeing you as just a sex partner, and so is trying to do the right thing by encouraging you to move on and see other people, but you're just not taking the hint. But trust me, a man who's really serious about you wouldn't do that IMO. I'm not all that clear on why you are so interested in him to be honest, is he super good looking or ?, because he doesn't seem like he's offering you that much at all? And of course, as everyone else has said, unprotected sex is quite dangerous, especially with someone who I suspect has sex with anyone handy and willing, and who by the way, he may also tell are pretty and wonderful, etc., etc. He may in fact be very focused on building his business, as he told you, and women perhaps are just play-time for him, which I think is something he actually has pretty much directly or indirectly confessed to you, but I guess you're just not quite ready to believe, because you like him so much. Sorry, but like everyone else on the board, even if it's hard, I'd suggest trying to get over to him and try to move on with someone who really is into you, and not just their business or playing the field, since I believe you're very interested in a serious monogamous relationship. And as others have said, get tested for STD's, all STD's, as there's not telling what you may have caught from him unfortunately, and then retest in a few months for HIV since I believe HIV can take a while to show up on tests, unless I'm mistaken on that. Ask about that at the clinic where you test the first time I would suggest.
  13. I guess I have to probably agree with the other responses, sadly, that this is probably a dead end. Especially these days, when it only takes 15 or 30 seconds to keep someone updated by email or text as to what's going on, to keep you posted as to whether they are available for a date on a given date/time, etc., etc. Or to suggest alternate dates/times if they do want to see you. IMO, no one is so busy that they can't take literally 15 or 30 seconds to give me a quick update, so to not to do so to me sends a clear message, namely "I'm not that into you". Or maybe "I'm seeing someone else also, and not sure I want to see you again", or whatever. I would kind of write her off to be honest, since you probably don't need someone like that unresponsive in your life I would think. Of course, that's all up to you, and it's always possible there's some "extenuating circumstances" that explain her behavior, but things don't look very promising and I would certainly say "there are other fish in the sea" if she doesn't somehow explain those extenuating circumstances quickly.
  14. Hi Goddess, I'm sorry that this happened to you. I hope that your former husband didn't say things about you to make these former mutual friends turn away from you. Or maybe they just felt uncomfortable now that you're divorced and they somehow felt it would be "weird" if your husband found out you were still maintaining a friendship with them, even if he was doing absolutely nothing to steer them away from you - who knows what was going on in these women's minds, so to heck with them I say! But no, I don't think you were too passive, they were clearly just ghosting you, not your fault, and there's no point pushing the issue with them IMO, and I think it's smart that you've just moved on. I'm glad you have such a fulfilling hobby and part-time career it sounds like, that's great!
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