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This might sound a bit like the movie "The notebook" but here goes.


greygoose
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I am one of those people who are exceptional at giving advice and more specifically relationship advice, however when it comes to my own relationships, I tend to break the rules and all the advice that I give to others. I don't know why or how, it just happens.

Moving past that, I realize that when most people ask for advice, they have made up their mind already or only really hear what they want to hear. I am guilty of this, of course but this time it's different.

I am in love with a woman I lost contact with many years ago. Even though I have been with other women, my love for her never died. Up until this day, I have tried to just put it in a mental box and try to forget about it or hide it. I constantly dream about her but last nights dream was a breaking point for me. It wasn't a bad dream per-say but I woke up covered in sweat and my heart pounding and mentally, it impacted me.

So here I am. My question is, should I contact her? Or try harder to forget. 

Our love was intense but so was our fighting but even when we were just friends, we were best friends.

My concerns are, if I contact her and she gets upset or angry and if she feels nothing. I am not sure what would feel worse.

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If you contacted her and she was angry, or felt nothing (or doesn’t reply at all. Or feels something but is now loyally committed to someone else), would that help you close that chapter in your life? Maybe those two outcomes are better than always wondering what could have been. 


But also if you got the fairy tale reconciliation, what would you both be doing so things would be different and the thing that broke you up in the first place wasn’t still there to break you up again?

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53 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

If you contacted her and she was angry, or felt nothing (or doesn’t reply at all. Or feels something but is now loyally committed to someone else), would that help you close that chapter in your life? Maybe those two outcomes are better than always wondering what could have been. 


But also if you got the fairy tale reconciliation, what would you both be doing so things would be different and the thing that broke you up in the first place wasn’t still there to break you up again?

Those are truly awesome questions. And things I need to consider before (and if) I contact her.

I know, most defiantly if she was loyally committed to someone else, yes that would close the chapter for sure.

If she was angry or felt nothing or didn't reply, I think that's what I am most afraid of. I am not sure how to feel about that and maybe that's why I keep dreaming about her. 

I think I know what I need to do now. I was really not expecting a response such as yours. I feel blessed you did respond though.

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6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What's your story with this woman? How long were you together and why did you break up? And when? Who stopped contacting who?

We met through mutual friends. She was the sweetest, most girly thing I have ever seen. She used to poke fun at me and try to wind me up when ever we crossed paths and I had no idea how to handle it. We then we started seeing each other outside of friends .. talking on the phone, going out to do stuff. I became protective of her and things just started to roll from there. 

We were on and off for years.. Maybe five or six? One fight killed it all and then I moved over seas.

Reason behind the last breakup is hard to say at this point. Probably over something stupid.

I think both of us are products of our emotion and that's why we fight and love so much but I have not spoken to her in years.

(I know this is cringe but I have stalked her facebook a few times.)  

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I dunno, I am off the mindset that, if it was meant to be, it would lasted. Most of those "Big Loves", with on and off relationship, big turbulences and drama, dont last. 

Also, you are probably thinking that Big Drama= Big Love. And that just because you throw plates at each other that means how you love each other very much. While in reality you would need somebody who would not create so much drama. Its kind of like "big personalities" clash. While you have similar qualities which makes you compatible, when you get together that makes you clash a lot. Which makes you incompatible as you cant make it last. Just something to think about.

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20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, I am off the mindset that, if it was meant to be, it would lasted. Most of those "Big Loves", with on and off relationship, big turbulences and drama, dont last. 

Also, you are probably thinking that Big Drama= Big Love. And that just because you throw plates at each other that means how you love each other very much. While in reality you would need somebody who would not create so much drama. Its kind of like "big personalities" clash. While you have similar qualities which makes you compatible, when you get together that makes you clash a lot. Which makes you incompatible as you cant make it last. Just something to think about.

I do hear what you are saying. I honestly do. In my original post though, I have said I have been with others and so has she. I will admit I have a touch of "save the damsel in distress complex" but after her, I tried all sorts of personalities and everything. Women who were strong and independent, stoner chicks.. you name it.

Nothing compares to her. Like I feel like.. grr I wish I knew how to explain it. I just don't know yet, if she could ever feel the same way and if she doesn't, what do I do?

I have never met anyone like her and maybe I won't ever again?  

 

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6 hours ago, greygoose said:

I am in love with a woman I lost contact with many years ago. 

Did you recently divorce or break up with someone? How long ago was this old flame?

Are you in touch via social media? 

It seems like you are nostalgic and idealising your youth and early first love.

In reality, you don't know anything about her at this time.

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Contact her if you want. You’ll get your answer straight from her. 

Don’t live in a fantasy world whatever you choose. Nip this in the bud and be done with it. Be practical also and don’t expect her to feel the same way. 

 

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Contact her if you want. You’ll get your answer straight from her. 

Don’t live in a fantasy world whatever you choose. Nip this in the bud and be done with it. Be practical also and don’t expect her to feel the same way. 

 

I tend to agree with this.  If this is what is keeping you stuck it might not be a bad idea to revisit it and put it bed.

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33 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I tend to agree with this.  If this is what is keeping you stuck it might not be a bad idea to revisit it and put it bed.

Yes although I wonder if you consider women to be individuals -it's a bit cringeworthy how you describe her as a "girly thing" and label other women as "stoner chicks" etc.  It's easier to act on the urge to be overprotective and controlling when you don't regard the person as an individual or on your level.

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11 hours ago, greygoose said:

Nothing compares to her. Like I feel like.. grr I wish I knew how to explain it. I just don't know yet, if she could ever feel the same way and if she doesn't, what do I do?

Nothing compares to her.. or so you think 😉 .

People change over time.  Life's experiemces do this.

So, while you've still got how she was 'back then'. Don't count on her being the same now.

I've crossed paths with some old flames and yeah.. No 😕  They're all drunks & moody now. Plus one's marriage failed and the other was never able to keep a woman long enough...etc.

So, sure, reach out if you want.. it may be what it is you need to do in order to settle this internal battle ( & memories).  Just don't expect a lot. - As you have NO idea all she's experienced over the years. (tread carefully).

Who knows, maybe she's married with 2 kids.. Maybe she's an alcy etc. But, if you're going back 15-20 yrs ago, you can guarantee she is not the same person you knew then.. just keep this in mind 😉 (same for you I'm sure... you're not the same guy she knew back then..right?  Time changes us.

 

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Remain realistic.  Your relationship with her failed for a reason.  Your fights with her were intense.  She wants to remain best friends.  Respect her wishes.  Don't bother her.  Move on as did she. 

 

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