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Should i keep the hope up?


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It's understandable that you are upset, and upset at the thought of hurting her. 

However, given that she is the one who ended it, you can rest assured that she will be alright. She seems to be a self-assured young woman who can cope with a big change (like a break-up) so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. She'll be fine. 

And so will you. 

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1 hour ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

The worst thing is that I hurt my ex. The person who truly loved me. Who was everytime there for me besides my family... It hurts so much. 😭

Hindsight is usually 20/20. The positive aspects are you realize your mistakes and have the opportunity to do better in other relationships. Stay focused on your goals and keep busy. 

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2 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I said it might be ADHD (to focused on my own mind and not seeing the ship thinking) 😕

This is why you need to see a physician and get a referral to a psychiatrist/neurologist to get an appropriate evaluation and help. 

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3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Hindsight is usually 20/20. The positive aspects are you realize your mistakes and have the opportunity to do better in other relationships. Stay focused on your goals and keep busy. 

I try my best.

This weekend was terrible for me. I cried for two days after realising all the stuff I did wrong and hurt and thinking non stop about my ex... But its getting better today. 😕

She contacted me today because here in Germany the soccer season just ended and both her and my team are now in relegation. It was short and I got her to smile I think. It wasn't negative at least ^^.

I called her mother today and asked for advice. She told me to take things slow. Let things cool down and invite her to coffee. Concentrate on my own stuff. She advised me to post some stuff on WhatsApp status/story (I never really did that before but did it two times since the break up). Should I do it or not? 

I know my ex is posting some stories on Instagram but I never did that. 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is why you need to see a physician and get a referral to a psychiatrist/neurologist to get an appropriate evaluation and help. 

I will think about it. I try to manage it now by making lists of things to do and follow it to the tee. 

I started watching some YouTube videos about ADHD (again). I did that when I had this little depression phase, but I never really took it THAT seriously like I do it now. I hope it helps. 

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26 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

 I started watching some YouTube videos about ADHD (again). I did that when I had this little depression phase

Go to a Physician. You have Free medical care in Germany, use it. YouTube is Not medical advice nor a medical exam. Leave her mother alone.

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Part of healing is to leave her alone, that means leaving her mom alone. 

As much as you want her back, you are still in a state of self-pity, guilt and fear. You need to get over all those emotions, and the fastest way of doing is that is refocusing those energies to working on yourself.

Sometimes medication doesn't help but that doesn't mean you should stop. You probably need to go back and get reassessed by a professional, and let them know what you were taking before and what your symptoms were. Sometimes you have to keep trying to figure out what works for you and your doctor is there to help you find that solution. Everyone is different. 

 

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I say No, to letting her know that you are trying to get her back.

If you two only split up just over a month ago, what has changed- in order for you to prove to her things can & would be different?

I suggest you take some time now to focus on YOU.  Don't try to rush back into any of this.

And let her think on things.  Do not pressure her! She pulled away for reasons and told you she needs some time.  Then give her that.

As for 'being friends'? That is your choice, but many come to realize it's hard to do this.  Is a constant reminder and you are given no chance to work on accepting what is.  To work through your emotions etc.  Is always a constant reminder if she's still around.

So, some things to think about.

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9 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I try my best.

This weekend was terrible for me. I cried for two days after realising all the stuff I did wrong and hurt and thinking non stop about my ex... But its getting better today. 😕

She contacted me today because here in Germany the soccer season just ended and both her and my team are now in relegation. It was short and I got her to smile I think. It wasn't negative at least ^^.

I called her mother today and asked for advice. She told me to take things slow. Let things cool down and invite her to coffee. Concentrate on my own stuff. She advised me to post some stuff on WhatsApp status/story (I never really did that before but did it two times since the break up). Should I do it or not? 

I know my ex is posting some stories on Instagram but I never did that. 

Posting something on a Whatsapp status/story is only going to keep you watching that app for any response from her. It's not smart advice. Her mother may be feeling sorry for the both of you and the break up but it wasn't appropriate to contact any of her family or friends.

Keep focusing on you and spend time with your roommates, try to get out of the house more often and avoid being too tied or hooked to your phone or keeping tabs on your ex. 

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11 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

he advised me to post some stuff on WhatsApp status/story (I never really did that before but did it two times since the break up). Should I do it or not? 

No. It's a very transparent move, and if someone is done with you, it isn't going to suddenly change their mind. Plus it will keep you hooked on your phone, constantly checking to see if she's viewed it. 

11 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I called her mother today and asked for advice

And please, don't do this again. Leave her mom out of it. It's not her place to try to try to bring you two back together and it shows that you don't respect boundaries nor your ex's decision to end it. If an ex of mine tried to circumvent my choice to break up but seeking out my mom for advice, I would not be pleased. 

Leave her and her family alone, and focus on healing. 

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No. It's a very transparent move, and if someone is done with you, it isn't going to suddenly change their mind. Plus it will keep you hooked on your phone, constantly checking to see if she's viewed it. 

And please, don't do this again. Leave her mom out of it. It's not her place to try to try to bring you two back together and it shows that you don't respect boundaries nor your ex's decision to end it. If an ex of mine tried to circumvent my choice to break up but seeking out my mom for advice, I would not be pleased. 

Leave her and her family alone, and focus on healing. 

Well i am Not able to see who saw my stories. So no I am not hooked on my phone.

I am not doing this for her I am doing that for me. What's wrong with sharing new experiences?

And her mother told me I could contact her anytime I want. So I did what's wrong with that?

And why should I leave a friend alone? Am I stalking her? Visiting her house unannounced? Writing her non stop? No! 

And what's wrong trying to be happy again and making my ex happy at the same time?

Edited by Simonschroeder173
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1 hour ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I am not doing this for her I am doing that for me. What's wrong with sharing new experiences?

You very clearly said her mom suggested posting new status updates on What's App after your conversation. It is obviously a move intended to get your ex's attention.  Also, What's App allows you to see who has viewed these status updates, so I am not sure you say you can't. 

1 hour ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

And her mother told me I could contact her anytime I want. So I did what's wrong with that?

You are the ex-boyfriend now. Calling her mom for advice is crossing a boundary. Her mom sounds like a kind person but you need to understand that your break-up is between you and your ex; her mom should not be the one you turn to for advice or comfort anymore. 

1 hour ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

And why should I leave a friend alone? Am I stalking her? Visiting her house unannounced? Writing her non stop? No! 

Nobody suggested you were stalking her. That doesn't mean calling her mom for advice is a good idea. 

1 hour ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

making my ex happy at the same time?

How does you calling her mom make your ex happy?

Look, OP. I know you are hurting and desperate for her to come back. Or at least for the pain to go away. But you have to start accepting that reamaining in her life is a bad idea right now. You can't be friends at this time, when you're still in love and she is not. It will hurt you way too much to watch drift further away from you while you're still longing for her. And if she meets someone else and starts dating him? You will kick yourself for trying to orbit around as her friend. 

Take a break from her and all her people for a while. It's not going to get better for you that way. 

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So I wrote my ex a letter telling her that I thought a lot about the breakup and our relationship. I wrote  that I am sorry that I hurt her so much (every time when I neglected her and that I didnt thought much about my and her future). Because I basically realised it just last weekend.

I wrote too what improvments I made so far. And thanked her for "opening" my eyes.

She thanked me that I acknowleged her hurt too. 

I wrote her the letter because I didnt really knew anymore for what things I apoligized and for what not.

I told her after she thanked me that I wanted to make it work between us again. And that I hope it will not cause trouble in our friendship.

She told me that I dont have to worry about that.

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So maybe let it rest for a while now, OP. 

You have said your piece. She acknowledged that and thanked you. It would be best for you now to take space and not contact her unless she reaches out to you. She may or may not do this, but at least you said what you wanted to say. 

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Posted (edited)

An little update from last week:

 

I visited her again after I have given her the letter. We had to do some paper stuff. 

 

We talked again about the breakup. I asked her about the letter and she said she thanked my for realising my faults now because according to her I blamed her for not giving me another chance. Which I did. But apparently I never really apologised to her. 

So the letter was an really good idea. 

 

I asked her if there is any future in getting back together and she told me that she has to sort things out and get her life back up (loosing weight and getting her studies started while still working).

 

She still wants to be friends with me, but told me later via voice mail, after I asked her about her switching behaviour after the Easter holidays, that the breakup wasn't easy for herself too and that she isn't mentally stable right now (she doesn't feel well) and that it will be better (like "before") with time. 

 

I was kind of an idiot and send her after that an voice mail nearly crying and told her again that I am sorry and didn't wanted to hurt her etc... 😕

I wrote her that I will give her the time to be at a better place mental health wise so she can be a better friend and a day later I apologised for the crying voice mails... 

 

No reaction from her side to any of that.

So I am now just waiting for any reaching out from her side. Or should I try to support her with her mental health and try to make her feel better? 

Edited by Simonschroeder173
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Posted (edited)
53 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

  send her after that an voice mail nearly crying and told her again that I am sorry and didn't wanted to hurt her .

Leave her alone. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.  Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Stop sending letters, texts etc. She can take them to the police for evidence of harassment. Stop the manipulative crying VMs.

Leave her alone.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Well I am simply an emotional guy. My mental health is in a better place right now. Thanks to some tips from my coach at the addiction center.

 

And why should I stop contacting her when she is replying back? She never told me to not contact her any longer. 

After the meet up we hugged good bye (a little longer than necessary). And while the meet up she wasn't repulsed by me. 

 

I really don't know what kind of person you think my ex is. It seems to me like you think she hates me lol. 

It really isn't anything like that she still cares for me. I know that. 

 

I think it should be better to not write here anymore. I know the situation the best so bye. 

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10 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

And why should I stop contacting her when she is replying back? She never told me to not contact her any longer. 

 

Because of your own mental health.

Has she took some responsability in failing of the relationship? No, she dumped everything on you. Said how she needs to lose weight(probably to get back to the dating world btw) and how she is not ready to get back to you. And sorry to tell you, she probably never would. You are hoping that you will gain her over by apologising and "kissing her feet". People dont respect that and she will just hurt you some more when you "build her up" and she gets back to the dating world. 

She can answer your messages for a few years more. Why shouldnt she, you are appologizing and saying how everything is your fault and kissing her feet. However you will just lose that time. And detoriate your mental health further. Instead of just building toward acceptance that its over and moving on to something more healthy.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

So I am now just waiting for any reaching out from her side. Or should I try to support her with her mental health and try to make her feel better? 

Support her by giving her space.  She is choosing other priorities over being with you including "losing weight" which has no timeline for most people unless you get surgery I guess.  It's not supportive to interact with her with your ulterior motive of wanting her back. 

Accept that for whatever reason under the sun -whether her reasons are correct or not -she does not choose to be with you romantically right now, she's given you no time in the future when that might change (yes, if she'd said -I need a month apart - I will not date or try to date anyone, I want to get my stuff in order -and then let's meet in a month after no contact and see where we are -that's different) - so assume it is over and assume you cannot be "supportive" to someone with this sort of imbalance where you want her back and she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

I think the letter was fine - it changed nothing though about her wanting to be with you -she doesn't - it feels good if you feel that you made another apology and the person accepted it and it provided clarification.  It opened no doors at all to her wanting to be with you.  Please accept that.  And leave her alone.  

Being an "emotional guy" doesn't take away your responsibility as a human to react to emotions in appropriate ways -would it be ok for you to camp outside her home at night and text her incessantly because "well I'm an emotional guy, I felt like it, k??" - don't indulge in "well I can't help it" - you can whether you see yourself as an "emotional guy" or otherwise.  Sometimes showing emotions appropriately means giving space to those we care about.

When I got engaged, married, said yes to getting back together with him after we'd been engaged in the past -can you imagine if I said "I am not repulsed by you so let's give this another chance" or if he said to me "I noticed when I hugged you you didn't push me away -you're not repulsed by me so let's give this another chance" - that's not the correct standard for anyone except maybe for an arranged marriage -the involved families might have that standard.  And you know this is true. 

Be honest with yourself instead of spinning tales that involve telling yourself how emotional you are and how you can be supportive by being in this person's life since she is not repulsed by you and in a couple of years after she's lost the weight for good -let's hope -she might reach out to you to go on a date.

Edited by Batya33
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42 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

 Thanks to some tips from my coach at the addiction center.

Are you under a doctor's and therapists care for addiction? Addiction to alcohol? Drugs? 

You need to focus on your treatment and recovery. Leave this woman alone, even if she doesn't have a tattoo on her forehead that says "it's over, leave me alone".

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Posted (edited)

Well I know that she left me because I wasn't treating her right anymore! I was not thinking a lot about how she is feeling with the things I did and I didn't do enough to keep up the relationship. 

I took her for granted and want to change that. I took my whole life for granted and didn't do enough to make it work...! I was in a dark place. I was addicted to smartphone games but I quit and I am over it. Because it destroyed so much in my life. 

I am working on improving my life again. In all areas. 

 

We both want the friendship. We deeply care for each other.

 

So why should it be wrong to fight for the failed relationship? So either my ex will see my improvements and see my worth again (which I had at the start of our relationship) and I can make her fall in love with me again or it doesn't happen. Either way I know I learned from my mistakes and I am improving. 

 

And well I know that she needs to get her live back together aswell. Losing weight again: I never really pushed her to go to the gym together but she wanted. I was just to layed back. I kind of held her back.

Edited by Simonschroeder173
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15 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

So either my ex will see my improvements and see my worth again

But there are no improvements. Just shifting your obsessive behavior into pestering her, with obnoxious letters, calls and texts rather than being stuck to your phone games.

Until you get appropriate treatment you will keep getting worse. Leave her alone. You're becoming almost abusive in your unwanted pursuit so stop it.

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9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But there are no improvements. Just shifting your obsessive behavior into pestering her, with obnoxious letters, calls and texts rather than being stuck to your phone games.

Until you get appropriate treatment you will keep getting worse. Leave her alone. You're becoming almost abusive in your unwanted pursuit so stop it.

You don't know what I already have done and I will not go into details about what I learned and what I changed Already. So yeah idk what you all say. That's my last post regarding all of this. I might update you on the progress. 

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Posted (edited)
43 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

We both want the friendship. We deeply care for each other.

 

So why should it be wrong to fight for the failed relationship? So either my ex will see my improvements and see my worth again (which I had at the start of our relationship) and I can make her fall in love with me again or it doesn't happen. Either way I know I learned from my mistakes and I am improving. 

You can be her friend if you would be happy for her if she told you how she was excited about a crush, going on a date, hoping to go on a date or asking you for input on how to approach a man she is interested in and ask him out on a date.  Are you ready to be supportive in this specific way? If not care for her from a distance with no contact. 

You don't make someone fall in love with you. 

A person chooses to be with you because they want to be.  And a person can have loving feelings for you and choose not to be with you.  My husband still cared for me a lot when we broke up and I wanted him back after a month.  He said no because he knew despite how romantic it would be and how we cared for each other it wouldn't work. 

Thank goodness he didn't react impulsively to his emotions and thank goodness we didn't stay in touch on any regular basis.  If we had I know this for sure.  We wouldn't be married now.  Our son wouldn't be here telling me just earlier today how awesome of a mom I am.  There would have been too much bad blood/bad history from failing again at being together.  This way we had a clean slate.  Or clean enough.  7 plus years later.  

She wants the friendship because it can be really cool to have a friend who you know is really into you.  She doesn't want it because she sees you two reconciling in the distant undefined future "when I lose weight".  But you want to use the friendship to make her fall in love with you. Which means you don't care for her as a platonic friend.  You care for your ulterior motives.  

Edited by Batya33
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5 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

And why should I stop contacting her when she is replying back? She never told me to not contact her any longer. 

Because of this:

6 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I wrote her that I will give her the time to be at a better place mental health wise so she can be a better friend and a day later I apologised for the crying voice mails... 

No reaction from her side to any of that.

You can't make anyone fall in love with you.  

Please just back off.  If she wants to see you or talk to you she will let her know.  Pestering her or insisting on trying to "show her" you've "improved" will do nothing but push her further away.

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