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Should i keep the hope up?


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I (M28) dated my now ex gf (F26) for 2 years and half a month. She was my first gf. 

She broke up with me on the 1st April this year... (yeah I first thought it would be an Aprils fools joke) because she said she wasn't happy anymore with our relationship and needed to do it before she would suffer mentally from it. 

After work the told me if we could talk. 

At the time being I didn't knew why she was not happy anymore. The days before we didnt had arguments and everything seemed normal imo... So I was really shocked by it.

I cried, begged, promised I would change and do whatever I can to take me back. But of course it didn't work.

Well now I do know the reasons (through thinking a lot):

I basically didn't show her enough that I love and care for her (rarely bought flowers, didn't push her (we sometimes talked about going to the gym together or going out more often. We never did).

I didn't help much with chores or I forgot to do some of them when she asked me to do them.

I was gaming addicted (spend thousands of euros on mobile games. I went into treatment half a year ago after my last fallback...). I went to 1 on 1 sessions but rarely went to group meetings. (She was clearly disappointed by the later). But I manage to get over it. The break up kind of helped too... 😕

The addiction was one of the reasons she nearly broke up with me half a year into the relationship. 

The last few months were a bit declining especially in terms of ambition on my part. I am in apprenticeship as an IT specialist for system integration. I got a bit of trouble in work got basically out sourced and I need to find a new job after I am done. 

I didn't learn much for the then upcoming exam (a week ago). (Which I am sure did well on after finally learning for it after the break up). 

 

Me and my gf did a lot of things together (watching movies, series and YouTube or playing some games together when she wanted). So we got pretty much along really good.

But I now know there are more things to a good relationship...

To add to that: I went straight to life with my parents to my ex. So I never really learned how to life alone and manage all this stuff... 😕

After the break up I stayed two weeks until I found a new place. I now life with two males and we get along really good. 

In the time between this I did all the chores (for myself to form a new habit) and noticed how hard it was for her. One day she forgot something I messaged her about and I was frustrated (now I know how she must have felt...) 

My ex told me we could be friends (I first declined but accepted it a day later) and when I asked her (two times) if she thinks we can get back together she told me: "I don't know. Time needs to tell". 

She talked to my mother once and they basically both said: "I think he is learning from his mistakes". 

We are currently on friendly terms and texting sometimes. Most of the times I initiate it. But it's light and friendly. I think she enjoys it. 

I told her via phone call that I accepted the break up, want to look forward, learned my lesson but I like her a lot and want the friendship to work between us. 

So what I basically want to ask, do you think there is any hope, if I show her I change my behaviours? And can make her happy the next time?

I mean the door for it is open?! 

Should I tell her I am trying to get her back? Or just go with the flow, being a good friend, try to show my changes? 

 

 

TLDR: gf broke up with me because I was lazy and didn't show her how much she meant for me, she lost trust in me. Is there a possibility to get back together, if I show her while being friends that I change? 

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I would not try to be friends with her at this point.  Give her space to move on and live her life.  And you live yours. You're speculating as to why she wasn't happy anymore -could simply be she realized she wasn't clicking with you anymore and/or it could be the issues you brought up.  Certainly it doesn't seem like you were living a healthy productive lifestyle for most of the time you were with her and it's not because you never lived on your own.  I know of many people who went straight from their parents house to marriage and did just fine, including my mother, my best friend from high school, etc.  Certainly living on ones own helps if you're also financially independent/stable/employed. 

What kind of trouble did you get into at work?  I think you should move on and not focus on "hope" with her.  I married my ex fiancee 11 years after we broke up and we both had changed over the years which helped of course but we moved on with our lives and came back together as two independent adults who were then ready to be together.  Make the changes for yourself, not to make her happy.  If in a year or two you want to reach out to her -if you are both single to the extent you know, if you are still interested, then sure you can contact her casually and see what happens. 

My sense is she will reach out to you if she changes her mind.  Staying in contact will greatly decrease any chances of the future because right now you can't be her friend -friends chat about people they are dating for example and it doesn't sound like you'd be happy to hear about her dating others, right?

 

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Well the troubles I had at work were related to the addiction. I wasn't really 100% present because of it. Played when working and stuff... 

 

Why would she change her mind if we don't have any contact? She can't see my changes I am doing and working on. 

That doesn't make any sense?!

I never posted ANYTHING on social media so I should start that now or what?

And yes I know that I need to do these changes for me. 

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1 minute ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Well the troubles I had at work were related to the addiction. I wasn't really 100% present because of it. Played when working and stuff... 

 

Why would she change her mind if we don't have any contact? She can't see my changes I am doing and working on. 

That doesn't make any sense?!

I never posted ANYTHING on social media so I should start that now or what?

And yes I know that I need to do these changes for me. 

Because she won't be interested in seeing your changes - if she was she would not have ended things -she would have wanted to stick around to see and be there for you during your changes in behavior- she wants to move on with your life -and you won't be a real friend -you're going to be in touch to convince her to get back together with you and will be focusing on yourself- on proving to her you've changed.  That's not a real friendship and it's not healthy. 

It's likely to result in both of you getting frustrated, upset, jealousy when you see her trying to date others, etc.  That bad blood will mean much less of a chance of reconciling in a couple of years when you've not only changed but maintained those changes. 

And if she ended things because of your bad choices, she cannot trust you right now because this is so recent- recently you got fired for breaking your employer's rules and for using company time to play games.  She knows this.  But again she may have ended it anyway whether or not you changed- she may just not have been into you anymore -it happens.

Also it's her choice whether to want to be your friend even if you believe you have changed - she may have had the last straw moment and just be done.  That's her choice and seems to be so now. Respect that.

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19 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

So what I basically want to ask, do you think there is any hope, if I show her I change my behaviours? And can make her happy the next time?

 

That never works OP. Mostly because, when people leave long relationships, its because months of spending thoughts on that decision. So, by the time they leave, they are already detached. To her this is over. No ammount of you begging and staying in contact would change that.

You need to start to accept that and move on with your life. And staying in contact and having false hope is only detrimental in that. So I wouldnt even do that. Take some time, its your first big relationship so it wouldnt be easy. But start taking steps in just moving on. 

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30 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I didn't help much with chores or I forgot to do some of them when she asked me to do them.

I was gaming addicted

I need to find a new job after I am done. 

I now life with two males and we get along really good. 

 I asked her (two times) if she thinks we can get back together she told me: "I don't know. Time needs to tell". 

Sorry this happened. Asking you to move out is the end of the relationship not a variation of it. You can chat and be friends if you wish, but she is done.

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20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That never works OP. Mostly because, when people leave long relationships, its because months of spending thoughts on that decision. So, by the time they leave, they are already detached. To her this is over. No ammount of you begging and staying in contact would change that.

You need to start to accept that and move on with your life. And staying in contact and having false hope is only detrimental in that. So I wouldnt even do that. Take some time, its your first big relationship so it wouldnt be easy. But start taking steps in just moving on. 

I am not begging. I want to show her that I can learn from my mistakes and grow. 

I really love her. With all my heart. I was just to unexperienced and didn't notice a lot of stuff... 😞

But tbh she said to me she cried something but never told me... She never told me about how she felt currently... 😕

 

So I should tell her "Oh sorry I changed my mind. I don't want to make our friendship work because I currently have false hope and its eating me up? Let's try it later maybe" 

even if I really want to make it work? I know we either stay friends, we maybe get back together or we just leave each others life because one of us isn't putting work into the friendship. 

Those are the three possibilities in my opinion. 

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37 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

So I should tell her "Oh sorry I changed my mind. I don't want to make our friendship work because I currently have false hope and its eating me up? Let's try it later maybe" 

 

You dont owe her anything and dont need heavy-handed explanations. It was her decision to walk away. Even when they offer friendship its mostly because of courtesy. Not because they generally want that.  Sorry, but doubt she would be heart- broken about it. It is in your best interest to accept that and move on. And the best way for that is to stop contacting her. Again, she accepted that its over a long time ago. So should you.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I (M28) dated my now ex gf (F26) for 2 years

She knows what is going on and what does and does not work for her after 2 years and living together.

Frankly there is too much water under the bridge and she has a bad taste in her mouth. 

You're better off cleaning up, sorting things out and trying fresh with someone who was not subjected to all this and has not asked you to move out.

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

 

I am not begging. I want to show her that I can learn from my mistakes and grow. 

I really love her. With all my heart. I was just to unexperienced and didn't notice a lot of stuff... 😞

But tbh she said to me she cried something but never told me... She never told me about how she felt currently... 😕

 

So I should tell her "Oh sorry I changed my mind. I don't want to make our friendship work because I currently have false hope and its eating me up? Let's try it later maybe" 

even if I really want to make it work? I know we either stay friends, we maybe get back together or we just leave each others life because one of us isn't putting work into the friendship. 

Those are the three possibilities in my opinion. 

“If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”

If you love her you will show it by giving her space.  Tell her "I thought about it more and it's not a good idea for us to be in touch right now.  I am trying to move on and make changes in my life and I cannot be your friend while I hold out hope of getting back together, I cannot be your friend and be supportive if you choose to date other people or try to, because I still have romantic feelings for you.  If you change your mind and I'm still interested and available please contact me and we can talk then.  I wish you all the best."

You don't show someone you learned from your mistakes when the someone isn't interested in whether you have or not.  She doesn't want to be with you. She didn't say "I want to be with you with all my heart so let's stay together and I will be there while you make the changes you know you need to make" - you've apologized I'm sure for anything your choices did that hurt her and that's all you can and should do. You're making up stories in your head that if only she was in contact with you and could see what changes you are making she would change her mind.  Of course you are -you are biased and want her back.  Don't act on those feelings by staying involved in her life. Give her space as she asked.

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7 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

So I should tell her "Oh sorry I changed my mind. I don't want to make our friendship work because I currently have false hope and its eating me up? Let's try it later maybe" 

even if I really want to make it work? I know we either stay friends, we maybe get back together or we just leave each others life because one of us isn't putting work into the friendship. 

Those are the three possibilities in my opinion. 

No, just relax and do your own thing, hang out with your friends. Don't write or tell her any of the above. She knows how you feel. 

What do you enjoy doing? Maybe do more of those things and recharge. Read a book, go out to the lake, take the boat. Bring your friends along. 

I think you're stuck in your mind quite a lot and torn about what's happened, also working on your gaming and spending addictions. Are you still working on that or is it under control? Do you have a budget? It's good that you get along with your roommates. Create some long term plans and goals for yourself. Go big picture and let this either fade out naturally as you focus on other things or she comes along for the ride. Don't settle for anything less also in that process of working on yourself.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

No, just relax and do your own thing, hang out with your friends. Don't write or tell her any of the above. She knows how you feel. 

What do you enjoy doing? Maybe do more of those things and recharge. Read a book, go out to the lake, take the boat. Bring your friends along. 

I think you're stuck in your mind quite a lot and torn about what's happened, also working on your gaming and spending addictions. Are you still working on that or is it under control? Do you have a budget? It's good that you get along with your roommates. Create some long term plans and goals for yourself. Go big picture and let this either fade out naturally as you focus on other things or she comes along for the ride. Don't settle for anything less also in that process of working on yourself.

I have my addiction under control. Even better than before. I knew this was one of the things that tore the relationship apart. So I will never get that hooked again on this impulsive spending...

 

I am glad I get along with my roommates.

We already played some games together (on the computer and one evening of Mario Cart). I can talk pretty open with them. I told them about how I feel. They said they will help me staying "busy". 

On Monday I will go the gym with one of them. (The thing I never did with my ex...)

But other than those I don't have any friends... At least no friends where I do live now. I moved to my ex (2h from my hometown). I basically just have one really close one living in my hometown. The others living there are like acquaintances. 

I never had a big social network. 

I like to play games, watch YouTube. That kind of stuff. I am a nerd ^^"...

 

I know I need to be the best version of myself. It just hurts so much that I realised that I did so many mistakes and hurt the person I love so much... 😕

And about goals. Well i want to finish my education. Just a two months to go. And I got to get a job after that. I asked my boss where I am currently outsourced to since two and a half months if I could stay and I am basically being tested right now. 

 

And sorry for behaving a bit rude a few hours ago... My emotions got the best of me.

Edited by Simonschroeder173
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10 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I have my addiction under control. Even better than before. I knew this was one of the things that tore the relationship apart. So I will never get that hooked again on this impulsive spending...

 

I am glad I get along with my roommates.

We already played some games together (on the computer and one evening of Mario Cart). I can talk pretty open with them. I told them about how I feel. They said they will help me staying "busy". 

On Monday I will go the gym with one of them. (The thing I never did with my ex...)

But other than those I don't have any friends... At least no friends where I do live now. I moved to my ex (2h from my hometown). I basically just have one really close one living in my hometown. The others living there are like acquaintances. 

I never had a big social network. 

I like to play games, watch YouTube. That kind of stuff. I am a nerd ^^"...

 

 

And sorry for behaving a bit rude a few hours ago... My emotions got the best of me.

This is a great start! Glad that you've got things under control with your addiction. Your roommates sound warm and empathetic too. Exercise does wonders for mental health, not just physical.

If going to the gym reminds you at first of your ex, let the sadness pass and stay strong. If you decide to go to the gym and complete a goal for fitness, do that. Slowly your confidence will build and maybe you'll take an interest in other things also as you feel better about yourself. 

It's one day at a time and no hurrying this along. Give yourself realistic goals so you can achieve them and feel good. Don't worry about not having many friends right now. You'll be invited to outings and meet other people and make new friends. And if not or it's feeling a little quiet, join some meet up groups in your area, find other interests you might like to spend more time on. You've come quite far from the person you used to be. Keep going.

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This situation is difficult because right now you will be in a constant state of uncertainty to be with her again. Will she accept you again? I can’t say it for sure. The other thing is whether you are truly compatible with her. With someone else maybe you might be more compatible.

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3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This is a great start! Glad that you've got things under control with your addiction. Your roommates sound warm and empathetic too. Exercise does wonders for mental health, not just physical.

If going to the gym reminds you at first of your ex, let the sadness pass and stay strong. If you decide to go to the gym and complete a goal for fitness, do that. Slowly your confidence will build and maybe you'll take an interest in other things also as you feel better about yourself. 

It's one day at a time and no hurrying this along. Give yourself realistic goals so you can achieve them and feel good. Don't worry about not having many friends right now. You'll be invited to outings and meet other people and make new friends. And if not or it's feeling a little quiet, join some meet up groups in your area, find other interests you might like to spend more time on. You've come quite far from the person you used to be. Keep going.

Thank you. 

I heard the same from my therapist. He told me to be proud of myself. I first went there with a severe addiction which I not acted out after that (deleted the game and never installed it again). 

Then I got problems with my apprenticeship. I got sick and forgot to say I was longer sick than first announced and that resulted in two written warnings. I was devastated... But then I got outsourced and did the things I was told to. I hope I can stay there or find another job elsewhere. 

I managed to get the jobs done I was asked for. Got my graduation project  done (I started it right after my ex left me...). And I managed to learn for my exams last week, which I think should be fine.

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12 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

This situation is difficult because right now you will be in a constant state of uncertainty to be with her again. Will she accept you again? I can’t say it for sure. The other thing is whether you are truly compatible with her. With someone else maybe you might be more compatible.

Well imo we were compatible. 

We talked a lot about our goals at the start of our relationship and during it too and we hit it off physical too.

 

I just ***ed up because I didnt noticed that she lost feelings for me over time.

She never directly told me how she felt. As I said she told me she cried sometimes. But guess what no communication... She told me she didn't because she didn't want to pressure me... 😕

 

As I said already. I now know what I did wrong. I neglected our relationship (chores and not showing her I love her by not only telling her and being physically and emotionally caring for her). And myself and our goals too... I didnt follow my educational and therapeutic plans. later according to her. She was upset that I forgot one 1 on 1 session and didn't went to group meetings 4 times in a row (because I had to work longer). And I told her that I maybe unconsciously worked longer to be with her. 

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I think you needed a breakup in order to have a breakthrough. Unfortunately.

Keep the momentum going and every time you start to feel bad about how bad of boyfriend you were, realize that you were probably in no shape to be a good boyfriend any way.

Now that you're working on yourself and improving, you're going to be a better person, better son, better student, better friend & better employee. All this is setting you up so when you have a new girlfriend, you have learned from your previous mistakes.

You are going to be fine. And yes, exercise does help.

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Unfortunately, sometimes it really is too late, OP. 

The majority of exes who offer friendship aren't actually that interested in staying friends. It's something they say to soften the blow, but as time passes, exes usually naturally drift apart. 

Focus on healing and turning your life around. Take the lessons learned here and apply them in your next relationship. This one didn't work out, but that doesn't mean there aren't brighter options for you ahead. 

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12 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Well imo we were compatible. 

Unfortunately relationships are not training wheels on how to get your act together. She didn't have to hit you over the head for you to realize there were a lot of things going wrong, you simply hoped you could coast along indefinitely..

 See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the addictions, lack of focus, etc. Ask for a referral to a Qualified therapist and attend the appropriate support groups. Make sure a therapist is challenging/changing ideas that are destroying your life.

If you are in debt, losing jobs, getting kicked out of your apt and people leave you, you're already at rock bottom, so now is the time to turn it around. Keep the focus on that.

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Well I know my limiting factors. 

I have ADHD which I don't take medication anymore for. It just altered my personality to much. I wasn't as funny an open anymore. Yes it helped with not forgetting stuff and being more concentrated but I stopped taking it about 4 years ago. 

 

I just realised again after the breakup that I need to do things to get a better grasp on my ADHD. 

I started to set timers and plans for things I need to do and follow them. No just procrastination anymore...

 

And no I didn't hope I could coast along indefinitely.

I just didn't really saw the things that needed to change. How should I do that if I never were in a relationship before and my ex never told me really how she felt and what bothered her? Just some passive aggressive stuff... 🙄

As I said it might be ADHD (to focused on my own mind and not seeing the ship thinking) 😕

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And I know I have poor judgement (don't the signs clearly). 

I had a friend group who weren't really friends. Talking bad behind my back, bullying me and I still accepted the apology... All that kind of stuff. 

 

I just realised it when I had a lot time thinking. I fell into a small depression because of this and cut them out of my life after that. 

Sometimes we are playing a few games but that's it. (two times within the last two years). 

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9 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Just some passive aggressive stuff...

I don't think she was being passive aggressive. 

I think she just generally lost interest and prefered to end it. I don't see it as a move to punish you or some such thing; it seems she simply didn't feel it was working any longer, and see you (and herself) free. 

 

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