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Should i keep the hope up?


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On 5/28/2022 at 6:08 PM, boltnrun said:

Because of this:

You can't make anyone fall in love with you.  

Please just back off.  If she wants to see you or talk to you she will let her know.  Pestering her or insisting on trying to "show her" you've "improved" will do nothing but push her further away.

Yeah... I see 😞

I will leave her alone.

 

One more question to the females maybe(?) why did my ex never told me clearly that, if I dont improve on the things she clearly was unhappy with, its over.

I mean I was totally shocked when she broke up with me and she told me that she cried alone and I now she told her mother about her troubles with me. But she never told it to me her boyfriend!!!! that she is hurt by this stuff... 😕 

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36 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Yeah... I see 😞

I will leave her alone.

 

One more question to the females maybe(?) why did my ex never told me clearly that, if I dont improve on the things she clearly was unhappy with, its over.

I mean I was totally shocked when she broke up with me and she told me that she cried alone and I now she told her mother about her troubles with me. But she never told it to me her boyfriend!!!! that she is hurt by this stuff... 😕 

It's not about gender.  It's because this is partially an excuse. She was no longer feeling committed to you or seeing a future.  Also she may have sensed it was futile to tell you - she didn't think it would make a difference and/or if you weren't changing on your own she didn't want to give you any sort of ultimatum to change.  She doesn't owe you that.  You made choices that were inconsistent with taking care of yourself and with being a partner to someone else.  It was up to you to make the choice to make changes.  

Many people are shocked at breakups and often in hindsight they can see why. Or not -sometimes there is not one answer or reason -it just "is" -it is over.  I'm sorry.

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Posted (edited)

Yeah so communication isn't necessary for a healthy relationship... Pff... 

 

Thats what she has to work on... 

If I remember correctly she told me she didn't tell me because she didn't wanted to pressure me more while dealing with the addiction... Like ***?! 

Edited by Simonschroeder173
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7 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

why did my ex never told me clearly that, if I dont improve on the things she clearly was unhappy with, its over.

Because she had already decided she wanted out, and wasn't interested in fixing things. 

 

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Yeah so communication isn't necessary for a healthy relationship...

You are no longer in a relationship and it was never healthy because you had multiple unaddressed problems. Don't worry about what anyone else "has to work on", worry about improving yourself.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Yeah so communication isn't necessary for a healthy relationship... Pff... 

 

Thats what she has to work on... 

If I remember correctly she told me she didn't tell me because she didn't wanted to pressure me more while dealing with the addiction... Like ***?! 

When you were acting on your addictions you weren't communicating in a healthy way in your relationship.  You can take what I say to extremes if that suits you to be "right" - when you treat someone badly as you did in your relationship you don't get to dictate the reaction of walking away including timing. Someone who is treated improperly is entitled to take care of themselves by walking (or running) away.

What she might choose to work on is her concern. Focus on doing the work on your situation.

 

Edited by Batya33
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On 5/31/2022 at 12:59 PM, Batya33 said:

What she might choose to work on is her concern. Focus on doing the work on your situation.

Thats what I am doing and will keep doing. 

 

She answered my question on how she is yesterday btw. 

I posted my first of three grades from my final exam of my apprenticeship (87/100) and she said she is happy for me and hopes that the other grades will be similar good :). 

She apologised for the delayed response. She was working 7 days straight. 

We are gonna meet up next week for some paper stuff that's need to be done. 

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5 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Thats what I am doing and will keep doing. 

 

She answered my question on how she is yesterday btw. 

I posted my first of three grades from my final exam of my apprenticeship (87/100) and she said she is happy for me and hopes that the other grades will be similar good :). 

She apologised for the delayed response. She was working 7 days straight. 

We are gonna meet up next week for some paper stuff that's need to be done. 

Bring someone with you so you're not one on one with her.  I did that years ago for a friend -she had to finish moving out of her ex husband's apartment.  I went to "help" but also to be a warm body so there was no awkwardness.  I'd never met him -he took me aside and thanked me (I learned later why).  

That's nice that she said she is happy for you.  Most human beings would -I just posted on someone's FB about something good that happened to them - I never met them.  It's just nice.  Please don't read into it.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Bring someone with you so you're not one on one with her.  I did that years ago for a friend -she had to finish moving out of her ex husband's apartment.  I went to "help" but also to be a warm body so there was no awkwardness.  I'd never met him -he took me aside and thanked me (I learned later why).  

Im not sure who I should bring with me. One of my roommates offered me his support the first time I went to grab some things I forgot. But this time it will take a little longer than just grabbing things.

And I am really not sure if I should ask him. I mean we dont have any mutal friends here.

She has some friends here but when I moved in with her I got no new friends here. She was basically my only "friend" here. Yes I got along great with her friends but I wouldnt call it a friendship.

 

And it wasnt like the meeting last time was bad or anything. As I already said we are fine with each other.

Edited by Simonschroeder173
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Keep things civil when you meet a last time and accept that it’s over. You can grieve privately or find closure by accepting the break up and respecting her wishes. Do not keep asking to get back together with her as it’s disrespectful.

Not contacting her or responding to her means developing and maintaining boundaries. You just familiarized with yourself how to do that in regards to managing your addictions and improving your life. The same skill can be used with people and not overextending yourself where it’s no longer appropriate.

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22 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Keep things civil when you meet a last time and accept that it’s over. You can grieve privately or find closure by accepting the break up and respecting her wishes. Do not keep asking to get back together with her as it’s disrespectful.

I will not ask her to get back together again. I did it last time and got my answer.

22 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Not contacting her or responding to her means developing and maintaining boundaries. You just familiarized with yourself how to do that in regards to managing your addictions and improving your life. The same skill can be used with people and not overextending yourself where it’s no longer appropriate.

Again: why should I go no contact? We agreed to stay friends. I will not pressure her for sure but will still contact her.

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44 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

why should I go no contact? We agreed to stay friends. I will not pressure her for sure but will still contact her.

Because it will hurt more than you think when she eventually starts dating a new guy. 

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1 hour ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Again: why should I go no contact? We agreed to stay friends. I will not pressure her for sure but will still contact her.

Because friends talk about dating or who they want to date so you cannot be her friend.

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3 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I will not ask her to get back together again. I did it last time and got my answer.

Again: why should I go no contact? We agreed to stay friends. I will not pressure her for sure but will still contact her.

Since you're reluctant you'll have to find out for yourself. We've all been there and questioned that path so go for it if you feel it's best. 

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She told me today that she is seeing someone since a week. She doesnt know in which direction its evolving but just wanted to be honest with me. She said it just happend, she wasnt intentionally "searching".

I kind of feel betrayed. She basically told me that she doesnt have time and needs to get her life back too before being ready for relationship again and now this...? She doesnt seem to know what she wants herself?

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2 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

She told me today that she is seeing someone since a week

 She basically told me that she doesnt have time and needs to get her life back too before being ready for relationship again and now this...? 

And this is why pushing to "stay friends" is an unwise idea. She did not betray you, she gave you the heads up to back away and move on.

She knows what she wants and that is to breakup and date others. Let go. The breakup and moving out is the end and closure.

You'll feel better when you let go, move forward, delete and block her and improve your life in general.

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2 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

She told me today that she is seeing someone since a week. She doesnt know in which direction its evolving but just wanted to be honest with me. She said it just happend, she wasnt intentionally "searching".

I kind of feel betrayed. She basically told me that she doesnt have time and needs to get her life back too before being ready for relationship again and now this...? She doesnt seem to know what she wants herself?

Yes.  It's not a surprise at all.  People often feel ready all of a sudden if they click with someone.  Or it's mostly an excuse.  It's why you don't stay in touch. It helps not to because then if it's an excuse or the person is suddenly "ready" you often don't even know or know much later when you've moved on.  People date all the time and are attracted to people all the time even if they're not 100% ready or not 100% knowing what they want.  She knew she did not want to be with you in a romantic relationship anymore.  That is all that matters here from your perspective.

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7 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I kind of feel betrayed. She basically told me that she doesnt have time and needs to get her life back too before being ready for relationship again and now this...? She doesnt seem to know what she wants herself?

That is why we told you to go NC and stop talking to her. She knows what she wants, and its not a relationship with you. That was all you needed to know in order to just move on. And you already knew that. Its OK, you had a hard time letting it go, it happens. But again, you need to focus on yourself. And accept once and for all its over.

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8 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

She basically told me that she doesnt have time and needs to get her life back too before being ready for relationship again and now this...? 

As a lot of dumpees learn the hard way, this is often an excuse. 

She was just trying to soften the blow for you and make it hurt less. But she's not confused about what she wants. What she wants is to date someone else. I know it hurts, and it's going to take time to accept, but it's best that you know the truth now.

On 6/2/2022 at 4:59 PM, Simonschroeder173 said:

why should I go no contact?

Let us remind you why staying in touch was a bad idea: 

On 6/2/2022 at 5:44 PM, MissCanuck said:

Because it will hurt more than you think when she eventually starts dating a new guy. 

See? 

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Posted (edited)

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way to learn anything at all. We’ve all been there and ignored advice in favor or our own emotions. Good news is you have all the closure you need. Bad news is that no matter how hard you slam your head against the brick wall, it’s still a brick wall. Not the news you wanted to hear, but honestly it’s the news you needed to hear. 

Edited by kctiger
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Posted (edited)
On 6/8/2022 at 7:04 AM, MissCanuck said:

As a lot of dumpees learn the hard way, this is often an excuse. 

She was just trying to soften the blow for you and make it hurt less. But she's not confused about what she wants. What she wants is to date someone else. I know it hurts, and it's going to take time to accept, but it's best that you know the truth now.

Yeah but why? Why wasn't she honest? Why didn't she told me to don't have ANY hopes of getting back together?

It hurts even more now... 😞

But I know that I will not stay in contact any longer. She clearly communicates that she doesnt want me in her life right now.

But well how does the saying goes: Hate is not the opposite of Love it's indifference. And that's what she is showing me indifference. I told her that I am in quarantine and she didnt react at all... That was when she started seeing this dude...

 

We need to meet one last time on Monday to sort some things out. I will tell her that I can't stay in contact any longer, because it hurts so much, but that I would still like to be friends when we both are ready for it.

 

I am really glad that I have some friends who are taking care of me by distracting me with playing games and listening to me even tho we can't meet because we don't live nearby.

Edited by Simonschroeder173
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On 5/14/2022 at 7:41 AM, Simonschroeder173 said:

I was gaming addicted (spend thousands of euros on mobile games. I went into treatment half a year ago after my last fallback

So you never changed or got help and still play games all the time?

4 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I have some friends who are taking care of me by distracting me with playing games.

 

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51 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Yeah but why? Why wasn't she honest? Why didn't she told me to don't have ANY hopes of getting back together?

Because many people struggle to be honest when they know the truth is going to hurt someone, OP. It's human nature. 

This is why when someone ends a relationship, you need to believe it is completely over and walk away. If there is any chance for reconciliation, they will find a way to let you know. Otherwise, you need to assume there will be no second chance. 

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Best learn not to take your future partner for granted. Get your addiction under control with a therapist and focus on getting your life together.

And, she is no longer your business indeed and you need cut contact. First love is tough, I know, but you'll move on eventually. Vent to your friends and take care. I'm sorry, but it is what it is.

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you never changed or got help and still play games all the time?

 

Yes I changed/improved. I was in treatment for 5 months and I can and will go back when I am facing troubles. And because I know that it destroyed nearly my whole life (nearly lost my Job and my ex left...) I am/was addicted to Smartphone Games especially! I know I will have to watch myself and stop playing those games. Most of the times when I got addicted these were games where you could spend a lot of money and time and get better and better. And when there is a community (guilds and all this stuff) and kind of a "goal" it does hook me even harder. I figured all this stuff out with my therapist.

Not only that. He even helped me after the breakup to get my life together again too. I am taking care of my responsibilities. 

I am now really close to get a new Job which is a lot of fun and the people I work with are nice and supportive.

And it's not only that I am playing games with them I talk to them about all this breakup stuff. One of my female friends is really supportive and told me to stop trying to get my hopes up yesterday when I tried it again... 😕  I thanked her for it. I really needed to hear that.

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