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Should i keep the hope up?


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5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Because many people struggle to be honest when they know the truth is going to hurt someone, OP. It's human nature. 

This is why when someone ends a relationship, you need to believe it is completely over and walk away. If there is any chance for reconciliation, they will find a way to let you know. Otherwise, you need to assume there will be no second chance. 

This is spot on. Believe it or not, 99% of significant others do not enjoy breaking up with someone and they certainly don’t enjoy causing people pain (assuming a normal, functioning non-toxic relationship existed). While they may be done with the relationship, that doesn’t mean they want to hurt you. The 1% or so that actually do obviously did the other person a favor.

I’ve been through this enough to know that when broken up with, it’s best to walk away and focus on your own growth. What can you get out of the sadness, shock, etc.? Walk away, let the dust settle, and maintain as much dignity as you can. As MissCanuck states, if they want to reconcile with you, they know how to get ahold of you. It’s on them to make that move. It’s on you to restore your emotional self control and sense of self. 

Edited by kctiger
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Consider that she was honest and later changed her mind or realized she’d connected with someone in a special way and now was ready. After ending the relationship she’s free to date and pursue men and many people on reflection realize they are ready for the right person.  As exes she had no requirement to share her insights with you. Just a different way of looking at it. 

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Just massive solidarity, I’m going through the same thing right now (partner bailed, doesn’t trust me to change, does not want this thing with me any more. It’s hard to believe. But it’s the truth and the longer I stand still, the longer I stand in the middle of the storm cold, wet and in pain). 

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

So yesterday one of the women I was writing with invited herself to me really spontaneously. Hinted to have sex with me and I agreed. 

After a bit of talking I initiated. 

Because she was my 2nd women I had sex with it wasnt great the first time.

So we stopped. I couldn't get hard.

She told me she wants to be friends with benefits. I agreed... 

After a bit of talking about all this stuff I relaxed a bit. We went to bed and well we had sex a 2nd time this time it worked out fine. ^^... 

So I am so unsure right now... I basically know it will most likely not lead to anything serious. But I want something serious. 

I would like to keep dating other women. Get to know them. But I want to be honest aswell. I am not sure what I should do if something more serious is gonna happen with another women. Lie about it? Be open and upfront from the beginning but that would hurt their feelings which I don't want to.

On the other hand I enjoyed the sex and would like to "learn" a bit more. She is waaay more experienced than I am. 

 

P.S: She is into BDSM but told me she will not always need it to get turned on. 

Edited by Simonschroeder173
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6 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

So I am so unsure right now... I basically know it will most likely not lead to anything serious. But I want something serious. 

Slow down, man. 

You are still healing from your break-up. Give yourself time before you try to have a relationship with someone else. Have your fun, if you wish, but don't try to expedite the healing process.

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Please stay safe and don't meet for the first time at your home or hers.  This is not someone you had a date with - you met up for sex and had sex.  Two single consenting adults can have casual sex.  You're not FWB - she's a stranger you met up with for sex.  If you meet up again for sex you'll continue a sexual arrangement. Call it what it is. 

If you see yourself dating properly in the future know that there are women who if they find out you did this sort of thing as a regular thing -casual hookups and sex with strangers -they may have concerns about your values, etc depending on how often and when.  Or you could get an STD or be a potential daddy -are you ready for that?

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On 6/29/2022 at 12:49 PM, Batya33 said:

Please stay safe and don't meet for the first time at your home or hers.  This is not someone you had a date with - you met up for sex and had sex.  Two single consenting adults can have casual sex.  You're not FWB - she's a stranger you met up with for sex.  If you meet up again for sex you'll continue a sexual arrangement. Call it what it is. 

If you see yourself dating properly in the future know that there are women who if they find out you did this sort of thing as a regular thing -casual hookups and sex with strangers -they may have concerns about your values, etc depending on how often and when.  Or you could get an STD or be a potential daddy -are you ready for that?

Yeah I know we just had sex nothing more and to be honest after I found out that she is so open with sex I don't even want more from her.

We will meet again tomorrow for a dinner and a movie at my place. 

I will play it safe no worries. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Small update:

I never met her again. I asked her two weeks ago when she will have time again but got no answer. I don't really care about it tho. 

No effort from her no effort from me ^^... 

 

I am currently getting to know two females. I will take it slow. 

No new date so far tho. But maybe in two weeks on the weekend with one of them 🙂

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7 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I asked her two weeks ago when she will have time again but got no answer.

I think it's better this way, Simon. She doesn't want to be friends right now, so it's best that you stop looking for ways to keep her in your life. It will prevent you from moving forward. 

And it's great that you're talking to other people. Just don't dive into anything until you are truly healed from this break-up. 

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Does someone have any advice on how to take things slow...?

When I got together with my ex we basically got to know us within two weeks. I was sick at that time. We instantly connected, chatted a lot, talked a lot on the phone etc. 

I am getting to know several people and its just so slow... It kind of bothers me... 😕

Its just that I want to take things faster so I can decide okay thats worth it or not... 

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33 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Does someone have any advice on how to take things slow...?

When I got together with my ex we basically got to know us within two weeks. I was sick at that time. We instantly connected, chatted a lot, talked a lot on the phone etc. 

I am getting to know several people and its just so slow... It kind of bothers me... 😕

Its just that I want to take things faster so I can decide okay thats worth it or not... 

Have you met any of them yet? Make plans to meet. Less texting.

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30 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Its just that I want to take things faster so I can decide okay thats worth it or not... 

You cant "force" a connection to see if its going anywhere or not. We are not in a "Black Mirror" episode where you enter a simulation and you get a percentage if relationship will be successful lol

Every girl you talk would have a different style. Some would like to "blow our phone" like your ex did with messages and calls, some would send you a couple of messages a day between seeing each other. That doesnt mean that the connection is not there, just that their style is maybe different. So you would have to be patient with those until you meet them better. Again, those are the things you cant just force.

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Don't dive into things, OP. 

It's not a healthy approach to relationships and sets you up for problems when you buy the house without properly checking it out first. 

It's also not going to make the pain of your break-up go away. 

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9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you looking for hookups? What do you mean by "faster"? 

Nope. After this one time I felt so incredible guilty... I will not do this again. Even if she is gonna ask again. 

I noticed I am really not into this stuff... 

 

8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Have you met any of them yet? Make plans to meet. Less texting.

No I haven't seen anyone so far. I might see one of them next weekend if she doesn't need to work. But it's kinda dry right now. No answers from her side anymore since 5 days. And I am not gonna chase. If she wants to get to know me it's her time to show it? I already did that more then enough. 

Or should I ask what's up? I know she has vacation but is only playing video games and already told me she has no time for a meet up. But I don't want to seem desperate? 

 

The other women I am getting to know is more into it I think. 2 weeks and messages every day. But she got Covid right now... 

I invited her to play some games together to get to know each other. We might do it this weekend.

 

8 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You cant "force" a connection to see if its going anywhere or not. We are not in a "Black Mirror" episode where you enter a simulation and you get a percentage if relationship will be successful lol

Every girl you talk would have a different style. Some would like to "blow our phone" like your ex did with messages and calls, some would send you a couple of messages a day between seeing each other. That doesnt mean that the connection is not there, just that their style is maybe different. So you would have to be patient with those until you meet them better. Again, those are the things you cant just force.

It might be ADHD related hyper focus that likes to "escalate" things fast.

I like the feeling of getting some to know. Their likes/dislikes, quirks just everything. 

And my rejection sensitivity plays a part too. So basically: do it fast so I can move on if things don't work out? I don't want to get too much invested into someone so I can't get hurt. 

"Please checking my boxes or will move on". 

 

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Are you in a hurry to replace your ex so you won't feel bad about her any more?

I don't feel bad about it anymore. Yes a little sad about the lost opportunity I ***ed up... But thats it. 

I don't cry anymore when I think about the good memories we had (I still did that a couple of weeks ago). 

 

25 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Don't dive into things, OP. 

It's not a healthy approach to relationships and sets you up for problems when you buy the house without properly checking it out first. 

It's also not going to make the pain of your break-up go away. 

I know you are right... 

Its just that I don't want to "waste my time". Its just that I don't think I am the type of guy that can date multiple people. 

I just never did date multiple people. When I got together with my ex we hit it off immediately. So I don't really have any "reference". I never really took it slow. And at the same time I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. 

 

Why is dating so complicated...? 

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12 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Its just that I don't want to "waste my time"

It's not wasting your time to get to know someone at a measured pace, OP. 

You're trying to rush something that cannot and should not be rushed. Dating isn't that complicated if you slow down and try to truly get to know the person in front of you. Crash-landing into a relationship with someone you don't know is not smart and does not guarantee a sustainable relationship. When I was single, I side-eyed guys who wanted to move too fast. It is impulsive and not very mature. 

15 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Or should I ask what's up? I know she has vacation but is only playing video games and already told me she has no time for a meet up

And this woman is not interested. So no, don't ask her what's up. Not having time to meet is an excuse. Discount people who say this and keep moving. 

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42 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

. No answers from her side anymore since 5 days. 

2 weeks and messages every day. But she got Covid right now... 

Unfortunately neither of them seem interested if you haven't heard from them and they're too busy or claim they're too sick to meet.

The key is to know when you're wasting your time and cut your losses so you can move forward.

After a couple of messages, ask to meet for coffee or a drink. Playing video games at your place or hers or worse...  virtually is not a date.

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2 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I like the feeling of getting some to know. Their likes/dislikes, quirks just everything. 

 

Yes, that is called "dating". Unfortunately, as you see, not everybody would be opened to do it so fast. Or opened to you. Or even opened to get to know you at all. If the girl you talked to hasnt messeged for 5 days, chances are she is not interested and you should just write her off.

2 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

And my rejection sensitivity plays a part too. So basically: do it fast so I can move on if things don't work out? I don't want to get too much invested into someone so I can't get hurt. 

 

But again, you cant jumpstart things like that. Even if you do, there is no guarantee that you will not get hurt. Lots of people are at their best behavior at start and you are at "honeymoon" phase so its harder to see "red flags". You will have to take a risk of rejection and even getting invested in somebody and getting hurt. As a guy even more so because you will mostly have to make the first step. So you will get ignored, rejected, even hurt. Until you find somebody to have a relationship with. And again, even then nothing guarantees happiness. That is just the reality of it. So you better develop hard skin because you cant get discouraged and need to just try again. As one of my friend says, if one girl doesnt want you, some other will.

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3 hours ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

I like the feeling of getting some to know. Their likes/dislikes, quirks just everything. 

That is best done over a period of months, closer to a year -so you see all the annual stuff -the annual bad cold, the annual promotion at work let's say, planning vacations, traveling together, holidays, your birthdays, her mom's birthday, the birth of a cousin or niece or nephew, how she does during the busy times at her job, etc etc  - 

For example, after two months of dating my future husband and I went to Europe -to Paris -where he got food poisoning and got sick at the Champs Elsyees and my passport was placed down the luggage chute by a distracted gate agent. 

At 6 months of dating I looked for a new job and interviewed - very stressful -good way to get to know each other.  We also experienced at 5 months of dating a severe blizzard and were snowed in at his place for 4 days straight -pre-internet, and we binge watched Albert Brooks movies.  I mean sure, fun etc but again not experiences you typically get in a month and typing and talking tells you nothing really about how people react to life situations.  

Edited by Batya33
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Not sure you’re up for dating at this point, but if you insist, you should know dating is a grind. It’s almost always going to be a series of rejections, awkward hangouts, incredible connections and unfortunate timing. Rarely does it work out like the movies where you just wind up hitting it off on the first date and wonder where this person has been your entire life. It takes commitment and fortitude to stick with it knowing that each and every time it doesn’t work out, you at least learn and grow from the experience. 

I also wonder why it is you’re in such a hurry to rush into another relationship? Perhaps a cooling off period would be good for you as you’re fresh off an emotional roller coaster from your previous relationship. 

Edited by kctiger
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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately neither of them seem interested if you haven't heard from them and they're too busy or claim they're too sick to meet.

The key is to know when you're wasting your time and cut your losses so you can move forward.

After a couple of messages, ask to meet for coffee or a drink. Playing video games at your place or hers or worse...  virtually is not a date.

Why is having Covid a bad excuse? 🤔

I am vaccinated but wouldnt you risk getting it? I don't.

 

And I asked her out to catch an ice but she declined it politely. She worked a lot (10 hours each day) and didn't want to meet up after that. Thats understandable isn't it? 

And whats so bad having a phonecall/gaming together before meeting up? 

And I never called it a date did I? 🤔

 

I will answer later to the rest. 

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2 minutes ago, Simonschroeder173 said:

Why is having Covid a bad excuse? 🤔

I am vaccinated but wouldnt you risk getting it? I don't.

 

And I asked her out to catch an ice but she declined it politely. She worked a lot (10 hours each day) and didn't want to meet up after that. Thats understandable isn't it? 

And whats so bad having a phonecall/gaming together before meeting up? 

And I never called it a date did I? 🤔

 

I will answer later to the rest. 

Text and type and talk if you want to date online.  If you’re interested in dating in reality then don’t.  I also worked 10 plus hours a day and unpredictable hours. I always  made time to meet because marriage was my priority. If I’d only been interested in causal dating working full time - meaning standard 8 hour days would  have been too busy for me to meet. 

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