Ms

[Ms7000]

I have been with my partner for 3yrs, we are both in our late 30s. We live about 60miles from each other.

Most of the year he works 7days a week. I work the usual mon-fri, so I usually do the long journey to his to spend time together.

We were meant to see each other this weekend but I wasn't feeling 100% to do the journey, so cancelled. I tried to schedule going up in a couple of weekends, so first asked if he had anything on besides work. He said no. I said I'll drive up for that weekend then. His response was, "I didn't say you could come". I "responded, you don't want to see me?" There was a bit of back and forth but basically he was trying to say I should have asked him if I could make the drive up and spend time with him. What annoys me is he never asks me explicitly if he can come to mine. If he's coming he'll ask if I'm free and if I am he'll tell me he's coming. It's one way for him and another for me. 

Is it just me or is he being obnoxious and on a power trip?

[Lambert]

32 minutes ago, Ms7000 said:

What annoys me is he never asks me explicitly if he can come to mine. If he's coming he'll ask if I'm free and if I am he'll tell me he's coming. It's one way for him and another for me. 

Did you tell him this? 

[Ms7000]

18 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Did you tell him this? 

Not yet but in the future I'm thinking I will tell him he needs to ask since he expects me to ask him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ms7000 said:

I said I'll drive up for that weekend then. His response was, "I didn't say you could come". I "responded, you don't want to see me?" There was a bit of back and forth but basically he was trying to say I should have asked him if I could make the drive up and spend time with him.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, even though it's a long drive, it seems unworkable for many reasons. For example you do all the driving. His work schedule. 

This doesn't seem to be going anywhere. After 3 years you are still parked in a sort of casual, separate lives type of thing.

 Rather than decide what weekends you want to haul out there, decide if this is going anywhere.

[DarkCh0c0]

Does he have another gf?

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This doesn't seem to be going anywhere. After 3 years you are still parked in a sort of casual, separate lives type of thing.

I agree. Why 3 years of ldr? What's the plan? How much effort has he made into the relationship?

[Ms7000]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, even though it's a long drive, it seems unworkable for many reasons. For example you do all the driving. His work schedule. 

This doesn't seem to be going anywhere. After 3 years you are still parked in a sort of casual, separate lives type of thing.

 Rather than decide what weekends you want to haul out there, decide if this is going anywhere.

I agree with you, this would not be sustainable if this was a casual relationship. We are looking into buying a house together and he has said he plans to marry and start a family, although he has not officially popped the question.

I was looking to buy a house on my own last year but he suggested I wait until he's in a better position financially so we can buy together. Hence the 3 jobs over 7 days/ week. I don't knock him for the hard work he's putting in. I just get annoyed at his attitude with how we communicate sometimes

[Kwothe28]

Is your boyfriend a bit "self-centered"? Lots of times self-centered people dont care about your time and have a lot of value on theirs and are pretty determined with it. For example, he planned you for one weekend but now has other plans(even though its maybe just to relax) so you would be just a nuisance there.

Another explanation is that he is maybe just mad because you canceled the last one. So now he expresses it in this way.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Ms7000 said:

he has not officially popped the question.

Then don't buy a house together. "Maybe someday" is string along talk.

[Ms7000]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then don't buy a house together. "Maybe someday" is string along talk.

There was no talk of "someday". A timeline has been discussed.

[smackie9]

Buy a house AFTER you are married. And make sure there is a prenup. 

[HeartGoesOn]

54 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Buy a house AFTER you are married. And make sure there is a prenup. 

^ I second the above.

[reinventmyself]

As you are now. . .give this some time to contemplate this situation.  I would find the right words to tell him how you feel about the inequity in this relationship and how his comment made you feel.  No matter the reason behind it, it was really insensitive.

Had my boyfriend made that comment, I'd stop making the drive and make other plans.  Sometimes when you stop pursuing and readjust, partners should typically step up and close in the space.  I am super curious as to what he would do if you stopped doing all the heaving lifting.

I can't help but wonder if the distance, overcommitment to his jobs and his making you feel unwelcome until expressly invited works for him somehow.  

[Ms7000]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Buy a house AFTER you are married. And make sure there is a prenup. 

Thanks for the response but kinda off topic...

[Ms7000]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Buy a house AFTER you are married. And make sure there is a prenup. 

Thanks for the response but off topic

[DarkCh0c0]

OP it's not off topic. You don't really fully know this man.

Have you ever been to his place unannounced? How much efforts does he put in the relationship? Does he romance you and has proven to be a good reliable partner in sickness and health?

Have you lived together for a while and assessed your compatibility?

5 hours ago, Ms7000 said:

I should have asked him if I could make the drive up and spend time with him

He's hiding something. All I can tell you is to trust that inner voice that brought you to this forum. Trust that there's more into it then a power trip.

At 3 years, you should be living together. And, if you aren't, then he's not that serious/not that into you. And even if it's not the case, you should be able to drop by without having him annoyed at it. You're his life partner after all.

[tattoobunnie]

A few things here.  With his, you should ask first statement, he completely dismissed how much work it takes on your end to spend time together.  I bought the house after me and my hubs got married, and the mortgage is in my name, and his name is on the deed with me.  Just because you have a timeline, it doesn't matter, because how will it look? Are you giving up your job to move by him?  The market is  beyond tight in the US, so if you don't find anything in a year or two, will he hold off on proposing or getting married?

Is he saving up for a wedding, a ring, the house, or just the house?

And the prenup line isn't off topic.  It's very important because he views his more time as more important, and he also didn't treat you as a priority or a assumption that you are both a "we" as you of course, you'd be coming without question.  And I take it you have savings, but he doesn't for a home, and if he needs to work three jobs, seems unsteady work, so if he loses a job or jobs, and refuses to work or can't work...I think you should really tell him how you felt, and hear what he has to say.  My hubs would never ever have said anything like that to me.

[Ms7000]

44 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

OP it's not off topic. You don't really fully know this man.

Have you ever been to his place unannounced? How much efforts does he put in the relationship? Does he romance you and has proven to be a good reliable partner in sickness and health?

Have you lived together for a while and assessed your compatibility?

He's hiding something. All I can tell you is to trust that inner voice that brought you to this forum. Trust that there's more into it then a power trip.

At 3 years, you should be living together. And, if you aren't, then he's not that serious/not that into you. And even if it's not the case, you should be able to drop by without having him annoyed at it. You're his life partner after all.

According to whose standard should we be loving together after 3 years.? I understand you feel the need to fill in gaps with your own ideas in order to give a response however please do not use my post as an excuse to make assumptions about me or my partner.

[DarkCh0c0]

18 minutes ago, Ms7000 said:

I understand you feel the need to fill in gaps with your own ideas in order to give a response however please do not use my post as an excuse to make assumptions about me or my partner.

Okay. Then would you care to elaborate on the questions?

Either way, it's more than a power trip. Please listen to your gut.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ms7000 said:

There was no talk of "someday". A timeline has been discussed.

Ok, however the problem remains with his somewhat dismissive and arrogant response, no? Take a step back and see if you even want to go further. Living with someone, buying property and worse marrying someone with a "my way or the highway " attitude is something to consider.

Just because someone utters the word "marriage" doesn't mean  they're right for you or you need to settle. Furthermore you seem to be able to maintain your lifestyle on one job but he needs three jobs to survive? Is it possible he has is seeing local women?

He doesn't see to want surprise visits from you obviously and nobody works this much. In fact, he doesn't even seem happy to see you at all. And you're doing all the heavy lifting to keep this afloat.

Try not to let desperation or a sunk-cost fallacy guide you.  Reflect long and hard if you want to chase a man who's "meh" about seeing you. You are really flying in the dark here, because every other weekend x 3 years means you've seen him about 80 times. 

Have you met each other's friends and family? Why won't he drive to you? Keep in mind even if he is working as much as he claims, it doesn't mean he's doing it to invest in you.

[waffle]

2 hours ago, Ms7000 said:

According to whose standard should we be living together after 3 years.? I understand you feel the need to fill in gaps with your own ideas in order to give a response however please do not use my post as an excuse to make assumptions about me or my partner.

Living together is a personal choice and not some sort of "rite of passage" in a relationship or any sort of indicator of the strength of your relationship, so I completely agree with you on that.  However, it's pretty clear reading your other comments that you are not getting the opinions here that you were hoping to get.  You seem like you're here to defend him and his poor behavior towards you.  Which is fine, but say that from the outset rather than ask questions that you--by your reactions--really don't want the answer to.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Ms7000 said:

According to whose standard should we be loving together after 3 years.? I understand you feel the need to fill in gaps with your own ideas in order to give a response however please do not use my post as an excuse to make assumptions about me or my partner.

I don't think a couple has to live together before marriage. My husband and I dated for about 3 years before marriage, spent loads of time together at each other's places and got engaged 6.5 weeks before our wedding.  We were long distance for much of that time but we'd been engaged years earlier so we knew each other well.  I think it's incredibly on topic to suggest that you not purchase real estate until after you are married.  I think it would be needlessly risky to do so before.

I think you two are however at a point where you need to relocate -one or both of you -to live closer to each other so you can see each other at least a number of times a week.  Especially since you're considering marriage.  When we were long distance we would see each other for 3-4 day weekends about every 11 days or so and during the times we lived in the same city most days of the week.  Plus longer vacations.  It was really important as far as getting to build a strong relationship for marriage.  

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Ms7000 said:

Not yet but in the future I'm thinking I will tell him he needs to ask since he expects me to ask him.

Naah, I wouldn't hold onto this like a grudge and drag it into the future.

Sounds like he was just reactive about your cancellation, so he threw you a bit of lip.

You've been together for 3 years. Is this a real problem, are there any other troubles, or do you have an overall good thing?

If your goal is NOT to deteriorate the relationship, don't save up toxic tis-for-tats to throw at him later. If you share an overall good dynamic, it shouldn't be difficult to raise this comment at a better time and let him know that it had the desired effect of hurting your feelings.

Then just pull back and listen. If he's holding onto something else that drove the comment, that will come out. If not, let him empty out, and you can decide from there whether it's even necessary to point out the double standard.

You know him better than we do!

Head high, and write more if it helps.