New Relationship (kinda)

[thelogride]

Hi everyone,

So I’m just looking for your thoughts on this as this situation has left me very confused and I want to know what I should expect and shouldn’t expect. Here’s the rundown: my best friends girlfriend works with this girl, El (for the sake of this post I’m referring to her as El just in case she’s for some reason on here). El just got out of a serious relationship of 3 years, and she broke up with her bf only 1 month ago. As you can tell, that’s not very long at all and this is important for what’s to come below. My friend and his gf told me I should message her because we would be great and she just got out of a relationship and it would be a perfect setup. I didn’t want to at first but eventually did. We hit it off instantly and began talking.

This was roughly 3 weeks ago when I first messaged her, so almost instantly after her relationship ended (yikes?). We began talking through text/Snapchat and kept each other up all night almost every night just talking because we were getting along so well. When we first started talking, she told me she didn’t want a relationship because of how she just got out of one and needs time to herself. I said okay I get that, but if we took things super slowly and I gave you time would you like to keep talking? She said yes that’s fine, but reinsured me that she’s super unsure about anything new right now. We keep talking, I tried my best to not overstep and I eventually asked her if she wanted to go grab ice cream sometime. Just as friends. She said no because that felt like a date, and I thought that was weird in a sense but it’s okay. She told me the only way she would hangout is if we were with my friend, his girlfriend and her. So… that’s what we did! We were talking nonstop still getting along so well and she told me she really liked me and thought I was attractive and said that I would be good.

We ended up hanging out as a group for 6 hours one night just casually, nothing romantic because I wanted to respect her wishes of her saying she didn’t want me to overstep and to take it slowly. That night went well I thought, my best friend and his girlfriend said they thought it went absolutely amazing and El said she had a great time getting to know me and loved it. I drive home that night and she messaged me saying how nice it was to meet me. The next day, she’s super quiet and not acting right. I thought that was super sus but didn’t mention anything. She wasn’t necessarily being short but I could tell something wasn’t right. The very next day I told myself not to message her and to wait for her to do it. So she did message me, and she told me she absolutely loves talking to me and thinks highly of me but after we hung out, she realized she’s not ready for a relationship and it was too much for her too quickly. She said she didn’t feel that “connection” in person like she thought she would and even mentioned our personalities differ. She said she really realized being there how not ready she is for a new relationship and it was overwhelming, despite hanging out together as casually as it can get. No affection or flirting or anything (which might be why there was no connection to be made 😉 ) I told her I completely respect her telling me this and that it was asking an awful lot for me to have her even try this out. I was upset but didn’t really show it with her other than asking if it was anything I did.

I told my friend this and he was so shocked because it’s a complete 180 degree turnaround from how we were getting along over the last 2 weeks. My thoughts are that this is just a complete shell shock to her, going from the only boyfriend she’s ever had for 3 years (she’s 21) and trying to instantly get into something new. It was asking a lot of her and I understand that. My question to whoever reads this is: do I try talking to her still? Or just let her be and maybe after time passes she’ll come around? Or maybe she never will come around just because who knows where we’ll be months from now. She did like me and told me that, but this was just too much for her and it really did overwhelm her. We haven’t talked since she told me this. I’m going cold turkey hoping she might realize that “wow I really did like talking to him.. maybe I should keep trying” idk if that’s the right way to think, but it’s me clinging to hope because I loved talking to her too. This took me as a complete shock, going against what she said and my friends had said. Apparently she was raving about me and two days later she said no more.. what do I do? I’m so confused and really liked talking to this girl. 
 

edit: I also left it open and said if she had a change of heart to let me know. I know she doesn’t owe me anything at all, so this isn’t anything like that. Just very odd. 

[thelogride]

Also one more thing to add, this was like 36 hours ago when she told me all of this, so little to no time has passed. 

[boltnrun]

I presume this is a different girl than the one in the military who is stationed 12 hours away from you?

I wouldn't lurk around hoping she changes her mind. I recommend you make efforts to meet other young women. There's likely a nice and attractive young woman (or many!) who would want to date you and who wouldn't have to think it over or be convinced.

[thelogride]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I presume this is a different girl than the one in the military who is stationed 12 hours away from you?

I wouldn't lurk around hoping she changes her mind. I recommend you make efforts to meet other young women. There's likely a nice and attractive young woman (or many!) who would want to date you and who wouldn't have to think it over or be convinced.

Yes she’s different hahah I took your guys’ advice and gave that up and this new girl helped take my attention away from thinking about the military girl. Very strange for someone like me to come here for advice twice in a 3 week span, but here I am. Haven’t had to in like 3 years prior to this. Thank you for your comment too, I know if you have to convince someone then it’s not worth it anyways. I just can’t help but thinking that she’s going through a lot and doesn’t want to jump into something new, so would I be a bad guy for not giving her time and a chance? Either way nothings guaranteed and we don’t owe each other anything. So like you said, best to carry on. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

do I try talking to her still?

I don't think this a good idea, no. She isn't in the right headspace and isn't thinking about you that way. 

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

This took me as a complete shock, going against what she said and my friends had said.

I don't know why any of you are so shocked or confused. The girl just got out of a relationship. Of course she's not ready for any of this. She tried to warn you about that, and dodged your date invitation. I wouldn't have expected any other outcome, to be honest. She isn't where you are, and having a good time hanging out does not mean she has a romantic interest or is in a place to explore that. 

I wouldn't wait around. She's tried to tell you that this isn't going to happen and she is going to need plenty of time to heal from her last relationship. Best to leave her be and carry on. 

[DarkCh0c0]

She isn't ready and doesn't have the emotional bandwidth or energy to be someone. I think she's being wise to stay clear from distractions and focus on healing.

Leave her be and no more chatting. Maybe she'll get in touch a few months down the line once she can date. But for now, nothing.

Thank you, next!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, thelogride said:

, this was like 36 hours ago when she told me all of this.

Unfortunately, your friends meant well trying to fix you up, but it was a huge mistake for them to pawn her off on you.

Their theory was to help her get over her breakup by having you babysit.

This wasn't a 180, she was reluctant from the start.

She knows your contact info, so you're doing the right thing stepping away from this.

[Batya33]

I have a different view so that you move on ASAP -assume that most of this is -if not all of it -is that she is not interested in a relationship with you.  The rest is an excuse.  Yes it's soon, and yes I know of many people who do this without rebounding because they meet someone they're really into for good reasons and it all works out -maybe some take it a little more slowly in the beginning but they don't want to lose the opportunity to date this new person so they say YES with enthusiasm and take things at a reasonable pace without any insta relationship.

Stop telling yourself she needs "more time" -she would never sabotage future chances by being your little chat buddy then telling you she will only see you in person with others around -she wanted you to know right away she doesn't see you that way.  Assume that - not that she's not "ready". 

She was ready to type to you for hours like a platonic chat buddy -had she seen any potential she'd have made sure she kept things the way most people would if they saw potential - tell you "give me a couple of weeks, let's not chat all night so we don't complicate this and start off to this insta-relationship and in a couple of weeks lets go get that ice cream and see what happens" or "YES let's go out -can't wait to see you -just keep in mind I may not be ready to start dating up a storm right away."

Or "I am not ready to date anyone.  I can see  that you and I might click when I am so I promise to get in touch with you when I'm ready and if  you're till interested we'll see about it then,ok?:

I say this person is just not that into you -she's made that clear-move on. I'm sorry. Are there remote exceptions? Sure.  I wouldn't wait around for the remote exception- because often I hear "people are individuals -you don't know her" -I'm just going on my many years of experience. Take it or leave it -no worries.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, thelogride said:

I’m going cold turkey hoping she might realize that “wow I really did like talking to him.. maybe I should keep trying”

I am sorry, I just dont think she likes you in that way. Is it a sensitive situation with recent break up? Yes. Just dont think it plays that much role. Given that she refused to hang out alone with you and that she is talking about different personalities and stuff like that.

So, just leave it alone. She already decided that you are not relationship prospect. That wont change. She might liked talking to you and you probably made her easier about the break up. But there is no need for you to stay there hoping for something that will never come. Once again, sorry, but that is how it is.

[boltnrun]

9 hours ago, thelogride said:

would I be a bad guy for not giving her time and a chance?

You wouldn't be a "bad guy" , just not a very wise one if you chose to lurk around "hoping". She didn't ask for "time and a 'chance'", she basically said no.  So no, you aren't a bad guy.

So yeah, I would move on. Surely there are lots of attractive, nice young women you could be meeting and potentially dating.

[Rose Mosse]

She's not interested. When set ups like this happen it can go either way and it's best not to have high expectations as friends can be blinded often by good intentions. To be a good matchmaker that person has to be impartial and a very neutral party, often not having very close ties to either side. Your friends wanted the best outcome for both of you because they may see the both of you unhappy or having just left relationships or situationships that were unfulfilling.

For them, it seemed like a no-brainer that this would work. I think they egged on a situation and gave you especially false hope by building it up into something or a situation that would be successful because they were more in love with the outcome of the two of you together than judging whether either of you are actually a good match. 

To answer your question, remain friendly and this means smile, greet her and make small talk when you run into her in mutual circles but keep your distance. You seem to have attached yourself very quickly to the idea of being with her and that suggests that you're a little too eager. Step back and observe the situation more and give her space. And also, please don't hold yourself back from meeting other women. 

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You wouldn't be a "bad guy" , just not a very wise one if you chose to lurk around "hoping". She didn't ask for "time and a 'chance'", she basically said no.  So no, you aren't a bad guy.

So yeah, I would move on. Surely there are lots of attractive, nice young women you could be meeting and potentially dating.

I agree with you, it definitely wouldn’t be wise to lurk and just hope and give myself up on other opportunities. However, she did say she was thankful for me being patient with her while we were talking, implying that she did like me and enjoy talking to me and giving me “hope” for a positive outcome. She even straight up told me she likes me and thought I was very attractive and nice. So clearly there’s a bad balance in her with not knowing what she wants, until now that is I suppose very clear. She wants nothing. It’s just so strange to me. So originally she was asking for time, but after hanging out together once she said nope.. it’s way too much. Just leaves me very confused and clinging to false hope. 

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

She's not interested. When set ups like this happen it can go either way and it's best not to have high expectations as friends can be blinded often by good intentions. To be a good matchmaker that person has to be impartial and a very neutral party, often not having very close ties to either side. Your friends wanted the best outcome for both of you because they may see the both of you unhappy or having just left relationships or situationships that were unfulfilling.

For them, it seemed like a no-brainer that this would work. I think they egged on a situation and gave you especially false hope by building it up into something or a situation that would be successful because they were more in love with the outcome of the two of you together than judging whether either of you are actually a good match. 

To answer your question, remain friendly and this means smile, greet her and make small talk when you run into her in mutual circles but keep your distance. You seem to have attached yourself very quickly to the idea of being with her and that suggests that you're a little too eager. Step back and observe the situation more and give her space. And also, please don't hold yourself back from meeting other women. 

Thank you so much for your response, I feel like this spoke to me very well and describes me. I am very eager, and I don’t apply myself often because I’m very scared of being hurt. I’ve been hurt in previous relationships and cannot go through that again. Which is why I’m “picky” and looking for the right one, because I don’t want to keep looking anymore with the risk of heartache. I do get attached way too easily, which is a bad trait of mine. It’s weird because I didn’t want to start talking to her in the first place because I knew I would get attached after taking to her non stop, and that’s exactly what happened. Maybe she got scared of a new attachment too so soon after a relationship and that scared her off. Heck, she said it did and was way too soon for her. I just don’t want to give up myself sitting here thinking she’ll “come around” because that’s unlikely and not healthy. She likely won’t come around but there’s always that chance that she does and I’m clinging to that at the moment. 

[boltnrun]

So you know it's a bad idea to cling to false "hope"...yet you're going to do it anyway?

In the meantime the right young woman for you, who is eager to date you, could be passing you by. That's a shame.

[Rose Mosse]

6 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Thank you so much for your response, I feel like this spoke to me very well and describes me. I am very eager, and I don’t apply myself often because I’m very scared of being hurt. I’ve been hurt in previous relationships and cannot go through that again. Which is why I’m “picky” and looking for the right one, because I don’t want to keep looking anymore with the risk of heartache. I do get attached way too easily, which is a bad trait of mine. It’s weird because I didn’t want to start talking to her in the first place because I knew I would get attached after taking to her non stop, and that’s exactly what happened. Maybe she got scared of a new attachment too so soon after a relationship and that scared her off. Heck, she said it did and was way too soon for her. I just don’t want to give up myself sitting here thinking she’ll “come around” because that’s unlikely and not healthy. She likely won’t come around but there’s always that chance that she does and I’m clinging to that at the moment. 

There's a bit of contradiction here if you don't mind me saying. You're picky and yet you're eager. There's a nervous energy I'm picking up and this may turn away dates also. Relax a bit more and be yourself.

I'd think of pain or disappointment as part and parcel of relationships and not something to be feared or avoided. In order to end an unhealthy situation, there is some pain and disappointment involved but what you gain is peace of mind and new opportunities. Let go of some of that fear. If you have a lot of it it may be telling you something: maybe this isn't a good time to let a new person in. Focus on you and what you want out of your life. If you're picky, then pick and don't be afraid of letting go at any point if someone turns out to be detrimental to your health or your future. 

[thelogride]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you know it's a bad idea to cling to false "hope"...yet you're going to do it anyway?

In the meantime the right young woman for you, who is eager to date you, could be passing you by. That's a shame.

I don’t want to cling to false hope, that’s my problem. I don’t know and don’t understand why I do it. Is it because it’s “safe”? Is it natural? I have no answer or reason to why I’m programmed this way. It’s like once I start something it’s so hard to let it go if it was something enjoyable. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I don’t want to cling to false hope, that’s my problem. I don’t know and don’t understand why I do it. Is it because it’s “safe”? Is it natural? I have no answer or reason to why I’m programmed this way. It’s like once I start something it’s so hard to let it go if it was something enjoyable. 

You're not programmed.  You're making a choice.  Feel what you feel.  Control your reaction to what you feel by changing your behavior.

[thelogride]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're not programmed.  You're making a choice.  Feel what you feel.  Control your reaction to what you feel by changing your behavior.

It’s difficult to control my emotions as you can tell. I will admit it, and you all can tell too from my posts and comments, I’m clingy. I get attached way too easily, even to something that probably never had a chance of working out. That’s my biggest flaw and I absolutely would do anything to not be like that. It’s difficult to give up on something I’ve clinged too. And yes, I know clinging isn’t good or healthy or the right thing to do at all. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, thelogride said:

It’s difficult to control my emotions as you can tell. I will admit it, and you all can tell too from my posts and comments, I’m clingy. I get attached way too easily, even to something that probably never had a chance of working out. That’s my biggest flaw and I absolutely would do anything to not be like that. It’s difficult to give up on something I’ve clinged too. And yes, I know clinging isn’t good or healthy or the right thing to do at all. 

Please read what I wrote.  Do not control your emotions.  Control your reactions.  If you get frustrated with a cashier who is really slow on your order and you feel like reacting by yelling at her do you yell?  Probably not.  You can feel clingy, needy, attached and choose to react by giving space, by doing things that are distracting like working out, 4-7-8 breathing (Weil method - google it), etc.  The flaw is in you choosing to react by acting in a clingy or needy way which is self-absorbed and or selfish. 

Of course it's difficult.  Many things that are worthwhile are.  I had to do something really difficult this morning and not react in a stressed way.  I did it.  I don't care if you "know" intellectually that acting clingy is not a good choice.  That's obvious. 

You have to choose -with practice and baby steps -to act in a way that gives people space to get to know you ,etc. Fake it till you make it. Being around someone clingy or needy especially in dating was a number one turnoff for me and I dated a number of men who but for that self-absorbed behavior I would have had so much fun with and wanted to date more . Dealbreaker.  

[hiskate81]

This behavioral stampede is kinda cringy. I would for sure leave this/her alone. Indefinitely. 

“El” sounds like an overly polite person, and you sound incredibly overbearing.
Everyone in your group here has sincerely faltering boundaries. 

[thelogride]

7 minutes ago, hiskate81 said:

This behavioral stampede is kinda cringy. I would for sure leave this/her alone. Indefinitely. 

“El” sounds like an overly polite person, and you sound incredibly overbearing.
Everyone in your group here has sincerely faltering boundaries. 

She’s very polite, but also was misleading in a sense. Says one thing, actions say otherwise. Not that she’s to blame, she was uneasy going into talking and let me know. Would you be able to explain how everyone in my group has faltering boundaries? I’m actually doing very well not overstepping, and told her I respect her decision and haven’t said a word sense. If she wants to talk she knows where to find me. I’m just lost because I somehow got “attached”. She has no idea that I’m attached, she thinks I said okay and went my own way. Which is great because she doesn’t need to know anything. 

[smackie9]

It's possible her ex is talking to her again once he found out you two were hanging out. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, thelogride said:

She’s very polite, but also was misleading in a sense. Says one thing, actions say otherwise. Not that she’s to blame, she was uneasy going into talking and let me know. Would you be able to explain how everyone in my group has faltering boundaries? I’m actually doing very well not overstepping, and told her I respect her decision and haven’t said a word sense. If she wants to talk she knows where to find me. I’m just lost because I somehow got “attached”. She has no idea that I’m attached, she thinks I said okay and went my own way. Which is great because she doesn’t need to know anything. 

As I wrote -treat all of this "misleading" stuff as a NO - unless it's a YES I'd love to go on a date with you!" or "would you like to go out with me -I know of a great play I can get tickets to and a cute place for coffee after!" - then it's a NO.  Don't know or "misleading" means NO.

[MissCanuck]

I would stop for a second and think about this, OP: 

Why are you clinging to false hope for someone you barely even know? What are you clinging to, exactly? 

You’re getting way ahead of yourself in your feelings and expectations. You two, for most intents and purposes, are basically just acquaintances. You have no clue if you’d even mesh well as a couple, if you’d like her after the first few dates, and so on.

At this point, you’re basically clinging to an idea of her, but not the true person she is. You don’t know that person. Keep that in mind when you’re feeling the sting of this. 

[boltnrun]

Maybe you "cling" to women who are 12 hours away who you've never met or who have clearly said they're not in the right head space because that gives you an excuse to avoid real dating and real relationships. Which is fine but you miss out on so much. No dates, no hand holding or hugging, no cuddling on the couch watching a movie together, no cooking together, no shared experiences.

So what is it exactly you want? Texting? Or a real live in person woman?