thelogride

I’m finally making plans again rather than keep to myself. Going out golfing with my friends tomorrow so that should be nice. Im also in the works of purchasing a house so that’s really been distracting me. Lots to be thankful for in life and shouldn’t let one simple woman let me forget that

After being away from here for a couple of days, I seem to be struggling more today than I have been in the last 2 days. I’m still doing better than I was 2 weeks ago, but am still finding myself thinking of this girl. Why do I care to know what she’s doing? It has no impact on my life and I know this, yet I’m driven to know by checking her socials. Makes me feel like a lunatic. It’s officially now been longer not talking to her than the entire time where we were talking, if that says anything about how easily I got attached. We’re still friends on everything but haven’t spoken since Sunday, which I guess is great on my part. I was honestly expecting her to reach out even though she has no real reason to, but I’m sure that’s my “hopeful instinct” still thinking. I keep telling myself I need to be with someone who WANTS to be with me and it’ll make life so much easier instead of chasing someone who doesn’t. I also have been asking myself this… if this woman was to come around and reach out and say she’s had a change heart and wants to get to know me better, would I take her up on the offer. I like to think I would say no, but I know right now I would say yes. That’s not the right way to think by thinking she would ever come around, because she won’t. But it’s just a thought that I had earlier. I know she’s been extra keeping to herself this week but obviously I don’t know why. I’m sure she has her own things going on and her life isn’t all perfect like I think it is in my mind. We all have our own battles to fight daily. I just wish I could forget about her and move forward 😞 I truly mean that.

Thank you for the confirmation, I needed this support with your comment. The absolute last thing I want to do is to be her bff and hear her talk about guys she likes or is dating or going to date. Absolutely no chance, I would be full of resent if I allowed that to happen. I do want her to be happy, I really do because I care about her. I think she’s a great woman. But I can’t be a mental punching bag in that sense where I know darn well she would take advantage of that probably to boost her ego. That being talking to me about other guys.. no thank you. I’m sure she’s doing just fine and has others to talk too as well. I’m sure she isn’t feeling the same things that I’m feeling about her so she’s already in a better position than I am. I’m sure she’s doing just fine.

I do have one thing that for some reason is just really weighing on me, and I can’t explain why. I know I already mentioned this, but I’m feeling realllly guilty and like a horrible person for not wanting to be her “friend”. I have no problem with being on good terms and say hi if I bumped into her at the store, but I can’t be her best friend and talk to her everyday like we were. Am I wrong for this?? I sure feel guilty.. and I don’t know why.

I’ll also add that this girl is very much too herself and has a small friend group and has probably some of the best morals that you could ever want in a girl. That’s what I see though, so it’s obviously from my perspective. I think she’s a real catch just based on those qualities. But, even with those qualities, that doesn’t make it a match. I’m sure there’s thousands of girls out there who match the exact same qualities I just mentioned. I also know that I’m not the only one struggling with this too.. I know she is as well and also with her past relationship too, probably struggling more so with that. One of the last things she said to me was “do you think I haven’t been/am at war in my own mind with everything too?” I know she’s struggling as well trying to find herself and her path. We both are at different points in our lives where I’m looking for my forever person and she has no idea what she wants because she’s still recovering from her breakup. With saying all of that, I do think and know she’s been thinking a lot about things and I’m sure I weigh on her mind too from time to time. Probably not like she weighs on my mind, but I’m sure it’s still there. I know I need to remove her from my thoughts and move forward even though right now that’s difficult because I was so in love with the idea of what could’ve been.

I understand and agree with you completely. Everything you said is true and accurate. I did over complicate things by only looking at bits and pieces that I wanted to look at and hold onto the hope. Now, I honestly did want to be her friend because I really do like this girl and care for her, much like she cares for me. After thinking about it though and continuing to talk to her, I had a change of mind and did what’s best for me by saying I don’t think I can be friends in the capacity that we are now. I would simply be devastated talking to her daily and see her with another man. It’s nothing against her, but I’m saving myself from the inevitable hurt. I think I have the right to change my mind too, no? She was straight forward from the beginning and still gave me an opportunity with time to think about things and see what happened. That’s totally fair and she doesn’t owe me anything. Just like how I changed my mind about being close friends, she could very well change her mind too with my absence now and say hey, maybe he IS the guy I need. My point being is we both can change our minds, and being her close friend is definitely not in my best interest. I’m looking out for myself. I told her I couldn’t be friendzoned because of this reason, and she didn’t like that at all. But, I can’t be her “best friend” and continue talking to her daily. I’m not in the right state of mind to do that as much as I love talking to her.

So usually I’m the one who’s hesitant to get into a relationship. My very first girlfriend basically did all the work to get me to date her because I had no interest. She really showed me she was interested and I said why not. Almost every girl I talk to I’m very hesitant, but once I commit I’m all in. It’s like I have no in between, I’m either not interested or you’re the woman of my life that I’ve been waiting for. It’s not right I know, but seems to be how I think and feel. I would love nothing more than for someone to want me as much as I want them, and I somehow convince myself that the girls who show obvious red flags are the ones worth having. I’m ass backwards with that I know, and I don’t know why I continue to put myself in painful situations when I darn well know what the outcome is going to be. Like when my first gf cheated on me, I stayed with her. Why would I do that??? I think I was so used to her and I couldn’t imagine life without her. That’s not the way to think because it’s almost as if I put all of my eggs in one basket.

I do think past relationships have really had a bad impact on me. I’ve had two serious girlfriends and they both ended in disaster. One of them (my first one) was constantly cheating on me and made me fee responsible for that. That really made me feel like I wasn’t enough and destroyed my self-esteem. The second one was just so strange.. we were dating yet she hardly ever wanted to see me. She would always make excuses and we would hang out maybe once every couple of weeks. That relationship blew up too because I was wanting more. This is all my experience with having an actual girlfriend, and they both were horrible experiences.

Great perspective. I’d much prefer the latter as opposed to being chained to a phone wondering wth is actually going on and hoping it can turn to something legitimate. Can I ask you something.. you say she isn’t right for me. What makes you say that? Because she was the one who turned me down so would I not be right for her? Granted, she gave me NOTHING that’s even somewhat compelling and attractive other than being flirty and chatty. I have no reason to even feel this way about her, I shouldn’t even give her a second thought in all honesty.

Yeah the woman 12 hours away was just stupid on my part. I don’t even know what I was doing and thankfully now I don’t care about that anymore lol. Yes, the current girl I’m stuck on did decline a date right away yet still would want to talk all day and be flirty. While she did say she wasn’t looking for a relationship at this time, she was very flirty and mentioned “we’ll see what the future holds”. That’s truly what fueled my hope in all honesty. I know what it’s like fresh off a breakup and honestly thought she just needed time. And honestly, who knows what the future holds. I may never speak to her again or she may emerge from the shadows and come out of nowhere. More than likely she will not want to try things, but you get my point. It would feel good to find someone who’s genuinely interested and WANTS to go on a date and wants to be with me. That would be wonderful. I don’t know why I’m so caught up on someone that I can’t have who doesn’t reflect the above.. I just hate thinking that she’s probably out on a date right now with someone and I wasn’t good enough to take to her on a date. I hope that last sentence makes sense, it honestly makes me feel demoralized. I am in my feels tonight so sorry for the negativity, but I know I’m getting better. Thank the Lord we weren’t actually dating and went on multiple dates etc, because I would be distraught.

No games, the right woman. I think I need to give myself more credit and have some esteem as well and tell myself that if they aren’t straightforward or want to play games then I deserve better. My self esteem is very low.

I think that’s great advice.. thank you so much. I know I put a lot of thought into digital communication, and clearly I do get a false sense of connection and security as we have just seen. Sometimes the term “playing hard to get” or “good things don’t come easy” come into my mind and make me think it’s worth pursuing someone who’s not immediately interested. I think I need to lose those sayings from my vocabulary.

This just proves to show that absolutely anything can happen, and you’re right it does take thick skin to date and I’ll be the first to say I don’t have that thick of skin lol. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s not intentional, just part of who I am but I know there’s efforts I can make to get thicker skin. here’s what I do know, and something I’ve always told myself and live by (even tho right now I’m not necessarily living by it): it’ll happen when you least expect it. I know you can’t force it and I know that’s basically what I’ve been doing here by hoping and trying to “convince” this girl that we do click. I know it doesn’t work that way. I could go to the gas station right now and bump into someone as the fuel pump and that could be all there is to it.. nothing forced. I could get in fender bender with a lady and we hit it off. That’s unlikely, but you get my point. I know that if I put myself first, and focus on bettering myself, then the woman will come when I least expect it. I need to do better.

I like to think I’m wonderful 😉 I definitely know I have a big heart and wear it on my sleeve. I know whoever I end up with I’ll treat with unconditional love. If it’s meant to be it’ll be with anyone out there.

That’s fair, and I guess that proves not everyone is for everybody no matter how you put it.

Can I ask you a more personal question about this guy that you refer to? You say all these nice things about him and your friends clearly think he’s the real deal.. how do you know what he has to offer you? Maybe he would care for you like no other guy on the earth, wouldn’t you want to give him a chance to see? And maybe you did give him a chance, I’m sorry if I’m missing information you’ve already given. the reason I ask this is because much like me where this girl thinks so highly of me and speaks that way to her friends, I feel like that would equate to wanting to give that person a legitimate chance to see where things can go. It’s like there’s all of these positive signs, yet not wanting to even go with it. It just doesn’t seem to make much sense to me, but that’s clearly what I don’t understand.

I was very interested well before she said no, and was devastated when she did say no. I guess it’s for the same reason I didn’t get attached to other girls that I’ve been with, I just wasn’t as interested as I thought and carried on my way. Looking back at some of these girls, they’re great people and sometimes I wish I would’ve given them a chance but didn’t. They’re now in relationships of their own and I’m happy for them, but at the time I wasn’t too interested. You could say this is the exact same thing with this girl and what she thinks of me. Just not interested. There’s just something about being showered with compliments and kind words and mutual respect that I can cling to quickly.. I’m not sure why. You’ll be happy to hear that I’ve been in contact with a therapist and am going to go back and try it out again.

I know not everyone clicks together and that’s why we have the power of free will to decide for ourselves. She did seem truly interested and then changed her mind, which IS fine I know but hard to understand. I know everyone keeps saying I did nothing wrong, but I can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough or I did something wrong. She said I’m such a great person and she loves talking to me and I’m so attractive, but when it came down to it we just aren’t a match and she’s not interested in dating. That is a valid answer I know, but hard to come to terms with. It’s something that I am coming to terms with and also something I’m taking a hard long look At myself in the mirror wondering how I can possibly have fallen for someone this hard that I barely know.

I guess I’m having difficulty understanding why she would say she loved talking to me and thought I was attractive, yet not give me the proper chance. Doesn’t that not make sense to you all either? Does it have to make sense? This is really what I’m having difficulty understanding and accepting. In my mind, if you truly felt that way then you would give that person a real chance and see what happens. I never got that chance but was presumably led by signs pointing that direction, which is why I’m so down on myself.

I understand what you’re saying and it does makes sense. I want someone who’s right for me and not just anybody that I can call my girlfriend. But I think the distinction here is when the feelings are reciprocated. Yes we talked via phone and text but it was for hours on end and it wasn’t just friendly talk. It was flirty and borderline romantic on both ends. So that’s what made me so attached, because I liked talking to this girl and we really did connect. Even though she says we aren’t a match there’s no true way to know that unless you get to know someone, but she clearly had a change of mind in the middle of everything, which isn’t unreasonable by any means. She can feel how she feels just like I can. I can’t control her into anything. The biggest thing here is that there’s a girl who was genuinely interested in me and loved talking to me and thought I was attractive and more… and I got way ahead of myself thinking “omg, this could be the one!” And then everything plays out and it turns out it was nothing but a waste of time and mental energy. I’ve talked to other girls like this before and haven’t been attached to them, so it’s not like I do this to everyone, but this also isn’t the first time it’s happened either. I’m just ready to find someone genuine and settle down. I’m over the games and all that stuff.

Yes, I do think that would be the case and I believe this military lady proves that. I latched onto the thought of her and then when this new girl came along I completely forgot about the previous girl and this became my sole focus. I would assume if a new girl meandered in that I would probably get the same way about them too and forget about this current girl. I have deeper issues somewhere, I don’t know why I latch on like this.. what I can say is I don’t necessarily care about how much money I have or how many nice things I have, I just want somebody who cares about me just as much as I care about them to spend my life with. I wouldn’t think that’s too much to ask for but it’s hard to find someone it seems.

Yes, and I know you’re right. I don’t understand why or how I did this to myself to allow for me to get so caught up on the idea of someone. She showed me the same feelings back at first and I took it and ran with it. I can say I’m definitely in love with the idea of her and what I envisioned, not so much her herself since we hardly have hung out. To me it shows a lack of self love, lunging at the opportunity to find someone who cares and loves you. I’m not sure, really have no clue how I let this happen.

I disagree completely. I’m not making a spectacle of myself when she’s the one contacting me as well to talk for hours on end. I do agree with you that if I leave completely then she will be fine fine, however, she’s very upset on both occasions when I dipped out. That’s what leads me to think she just wants me around to fill the void. I’m sure since last night she’s probably found someone else to fill my place. Not sure how girls always seem to have guys lined up but it seems to be the case more often than not.

Well I told her I don’t want to be “friends” for that very reason. This would be the textbook definition of friendzone in my opinion, and I do not want anything to do with that. I’m sure she just wants to keep me around as a friend to fill the void until she finds someone. I don’t want to live like that, which is why I told her I can’t do it and she didn’t take that very well at all. Like… I’m sorry but if she can’t understand that then *** is her intentions anyways. Im not here to be used as needed for her support. As much as I would love to be there to support her and care for her, it would have to be in the dating level not this friendzone nonsense. After I told her this last night she didn’t take it kindly and honestly probably cried some. Can’t confirm it though. I’ve been told she was super upset when we stopped talking the first time (that was her doing) and now I’m sure she’s just as upset. None of this makes any sense at all, but I know what I need to do and it’s to say goodbye. If she really likes talking to me and has a revelation that I would actually be boyfriend material then she can go out of her way to tell me. And no.. I’m not planning on that happening but I have seen it happen before unfortunately. Where were from it happens more often than not (smaller town Iowa).

I wouldn’t be able to take it having a front row seat when she starts dating someone. Absolutely no way I would be able to take it. I need to remove myself completely. It sucks that she sees me as this super nice person and everything the a girl would look for in a guy, but says She’s not interested. Something doesn’t add up and make sense clearly. I think she has her own issues (much like me) that she needs to address. She sounds like she really has no idea what she wants either.