thelogride

Yup.. I don’t understand how I get so attached so fast. I’ve done the same thing with other girls too but didn’t get attached so I’m not sure why this one is different. I must have some unresolved issues underneath.

I know you’re saying this to help and not put me down and I appreciate that. She doesn’t want anything now, that’s obvious. But she did agree that who knows what the future holds and when she’s ready. That’s no guarantee by any means, however she said she’s interested and finds me attractive so I mean that has to mean something too. Obviously you and everyone else on an online thread don’t know the specifics, only the general overview of everything. I promise it goes deeper than this and there’s so much left unsaid but it’s just way too much to post on here. Bottom line: she says she wants me, she says she’s not ready for something serious, says she wants to remain friends because she likes me, and then says she’s looking forward to seeing me this summer. Sounds strange, usually if you don’t want anything at all you don’t tell someone that you want them and find them attractive and that you’re looking forward to this summer.

I wouldn’t say fairy tales considering she literally said these things, but yes I’ll agree she clearly changed her mind. She happened to change her mind after hanging out too, which for the record she said it was too much too soon for her to be in a position like that and she wasn’t expecting to feel that way. I was the also the first person she hung out with since her breakup, so maybe I’m the Guinea pig experiment. I truly don’t think she will be dating anyone in the near future but it’s definitely possible, nothing is holding her back. I only think this way because she told me if she was in a different point in her life right now (not mourning and being depressed from her ex) then I would be ideal for her. She just doesn’t want anything right now period. And no, that’s not me trying to convince myself that this is the truth, this is what she’s said to me directly and also for the mutual friend. i really do understand because I talked to some girls after my breakups and they seemed great and I should’ve done better talking to them but didn’t because I didn’t want anything serious because I was still hurting. Ultimately they moved on from me right away and found a new boyfriend. Something I should probably do right now by finding a new girlfriend instead of hoping time makes things work out between us, such as trying again this summer. So much can happen between now and then, and honestly with the way my brain works I wouldn’t be surprised if I want nothing to do with El by this summer in all honesty.

She saw me as someone she could potentially date just a week ago. She even said I would be a good person to date for her specifically, but right now it wouldn’t be fair because of where’s she’s at and needs to focus on herself and go through the “post breakup process” first. Which does exist I’ve gone through it. It’s not like I’m getting these baseless hopes from nothing, everything that I’m hopeful for she’s said or confirmed to be true. I also feel that if she really felt this way then she wouldn’t have shut me down. She also could be shutting me down so she doesn’t ruin anything with all she has going on right now. Regardless, everything that I’ve said that gives me “hope” is all things that she’s said to me. I’m not grasping for straws here, I’m grasping onto her own words.

It’s not a date and I know that. There will be no romantic activities going on. We’re just friends. We’ll be getting to know each other better though which maybe there will be a connection, but again that’s not guaranteed. Just something that I’m hoping happens but not expecting it to.

Good point, not actually a “date” but it’s confirmed just us and another couple. So I mean.. is that a date?? I’d say yes but more so friendly. Other people may or may not come along too but that’s unlikely bc this lake is a good distance away. It’s more so hanging out through mutual friends who happen to be dating. But she’s very well aware of that.

She doesn’t want to date that’s confirmed. But.. she did say she really likes me (more than just a friend) but she isn’t in a position to date. Only be friends. Which I can’t blame her because when I got out of my past relationships I absolutely wanted nothing to do with a new relationship until I was ready. I’m sure she’s the same way. We were going pretty fast and it was a shell shock and she just said no, I can’t do this right now. I’m just leaving the door open for when we’re around each other this summer because we definitely will be, and feelings and mental states can change by then. Even tho it’s only a month away. Our mutual friends do want us together so there’s that bias, and El is aware of that I think. Who knows what will happen between now and then, but I did like talking to her but maybe it just wasn’t the time for it. Maybe later. Who really knows.

Thank you so much, I needed to hear this confirmation 🙏🏻 It’s not only the right thing to do but the best for myself as well. Life can be tough at times in the relationship world.

I didn’t say anything bad, all I asked her was how she thought things went and if she was surprised with this outcome and she agreed with me. She’s also the one who told me El was very upset with coming to this conclusion and was noticeably upset while they were at work together about it and even talked at least a little about it. I know all girls do is talk so I’m sure they talked more than I think lol. I just wanted to ensure we’re on good terms because we’ll be seeing each other on the lake while boating together as a small group (same group we had basically when we had our “double date”) and I really didn’t want it to be awkward at all. Plus I would like to leave the door open, which is exactly what I’m doing and she’s well aware of that. If I end up talking to or dating another girl then great, but I still like the thought of El and I possibly being something in the future. No guarantees with that though, and who really knows. It would be foolish to sell myself short and wait around for something that might not even come to fruition.

Small update to share, not much but just adds a little more confusion to the mix. Last night I hung out with my friend and his girlfriend (the two who tried to set this up) and I briefly spoke with the girlfriend about this because she’s really good friends with El and knows what’s going on. I asked her how she thought hanging out went and she said that it went super well and even El liked it. El was saying how much she liked talking to me and liked me after the fact. I told the girlfriend that I’ve been pretty upset this last week and wasn’t sure what to do and she said that she was caught off guard by this all as well but just said to give her time. She also mentioned how upset she was that we weren’t talking anymore and she felt bad about it.. but that makes no sense because this is her choice to not talk to me??? After that short conversation I decided to send El a message this morning saying I’m sorry for pushing things so soon and I hope we can still be friends on good terms. She said yes and she doesn’t want our friendship to be ruined and we’ll be seeing each other quite a bit this summer at the lake. I replied back saying yes we will and thanks for forgiving me and I’m glad we’re on good terms. I also mentioned how we jumped the gun but who knows what the future will hold, so I wanted to make sure we’re on good terms. That’s me obviously hinting at maybe when more time has past circumstances will change, which is highly possible. She didn’t reply to that but I wasn’t expecting her too. I think now I just leave her be until I either see her in person again or if she happens to reach out to me. It’ll probably be awhile before I ever see her.

I honestly don’t think I came off as clingy. We were just talking very often with fast responses on both ends, but that’s about the only way to imply being clingy. I never said anything overbearing that would make me sound that way either. Plus when she ended our talking, I didn’t beg her to stay or anything, I just said okay I understand and if you have a change of heart after time has passed to let me know and we can see where we’re at. I don’t think I came off as clingy, but in my head I know that I am.

I’m not really putting myself on hold, I’m just not applying myself like others do. I avoid talking to new girls for this very reason, I somehow get attached too fast and it’s just easier to be alone in that sense. But if I find the right one then everything will be worth it. I guess it’s up to me to find that person. I don’t like the idea of waiting for someone in hope they have a change of heart, but I don’t want to go through the hurt again with new women. It’s hard.

It was too much too soon, and it wouldn’t have mattered how “slow” I went, it would’ve never worked out because she wasn’t looking for a relationship. She was hopeful that something would change with her feelings but I think she’s so emotionally exhausted she just couldn’t and can’t handle anything right now. I did leave the door open because there was nothing sour that either of us said. I told her if she ever has a change of heart to let me know. So I guess right now I’m just hopeful that by going cold turkey she will miss talking to me but that’s wishful thinking, and also selfish. It’s been a few days now since we last talked.

Thank you for this comment. It was (and still is I’m sure) an emotional roller coaster with her where one night she would seem like she was totally fine and wanting to try something and then the next night she would be hesitant.. it was very odd, but it makes perfect sense at the same time. It’s me trying to ignore the red flags hoping we could jump through those hoops and be fine. I remember my first breakup with my very first girlfriend, I couldn’t even IMAGINE trying to date again just a month later. I can’t imagine what’s going through her head. Everyone moves at different speeds tho, so who really knows but from what I can tell she was definitely not ready for that type of “commitment” or she was scared of being hurt again. Which makes sense.

Definitely. Imma need a W-2 filled out to do that lol. Her friends meant well, I was actually just talking to my best friend (the friend who set it up) and he mentioned how out of nowhere this was because she told them she absolutely loved it and wanted to hang out again and loved being around me because I’m so fun. Then two days later she says nope, can’t do it. Blindsided.

It’s almost like she just needed someone to talk to. And I know for a fact that she’s very ‘to herself’ and doesn’t have a ton of friends because of that. From what she said she was hopeful she would be ready and something would click but she just isn’t at that point yet and didn’t want to drag me through it and have it not work out. Which I do appreciate her telling me that. The “false hope” comes into play because it’s not that she’s not interested in me, because she straight up said she was, so this makes me feel like if I just gave her time she will come around. That’s not the right way to think I know.. which is why I’m struggling to come to terms with that. Could that happen? Absolutely. Is it likely? Probably not. Lots of things change in a moments notice.

She’s very polite, but also was misleading in a sense. Says one thing, actions say otherwise. Not that she’s to blame, she was uneasy going into talking and let me know. Would you be able to explain how everyone in my group has faltering boundaries? I’m actually doing very well not overstepping, and told her I respect her decision and haven’t said a word sense. If she wants to talk she knows where to find me. I’m just lost because I somehow got “attached”. She has no idea that I’m attached, she thinks I said okay and went my own way. Which is great because she doesn’t need to know anything.

It’s difficult to control my emotions as you can tell. I will admit it, and you all can tell too from my posts and comments, I’m clingy. I get attached way too easily, even to something that probably never had a chance of working out. That’s my biggest flaw and I absolutely would do anything to not be like that. It’s difficult to give up on something I’ve clinged too. And yes, I know clinging isn’t good or healthy or the right thing to do at all.

I don’t want to cling to false hope, that’s my problem. I don’t know and don’t understand why I do it. Is it because it’s “safe”? Is it natural? I have no answer or reason to why I’m programmed this way. It’s like once I start something it’s so hard to let it go if it was something enjoyable.

Thank you so much for your response, I feel like this spoke to me very well and describes me. I am very eager, and I don’t apply myself often because I’m very scared of being hurt. I’ve been hurt in previous relationships and cannot go through that again. Which is why I’m “picky” and looking for the right one, because I don’t want to keep looking anymore with the risk of heartache. I do get attached way too easily, which is a bad trait of mine. It’s weird because I didn’t want to start talking to her in the first place because I knew I would get attached after taking to her non stop, and that’s exactly what happened. Maybe she got scared of a new attachment too so soon after a relationship and that scared her off. Heck, she said it did and was way too soon for her. I just don’t want to give up myself sitting here thinking she’ll “come around” because that’s unlikely and not healthy. She likely won’t come around but there’s always that chance that she does and I’m clinging to that at the moment.

I agree with you, it definitely wouldn’t be wise to lurk and just hope and give myself up on other opportunities. However, she did say she was thankful for me being patient with her while we were talking, implying that she did like me and enjoy talking to me and giving me “hope” for a positive outcome. She even straight up told me she likes me and thought I was very attractive and nice. So clearly there’s a bad balance in her with not knowing what she wants, until now that is I suppose very clear. She wants nothing. It’s just so strange to me. So originally she was asking for time, but after hanging out together once she said nope.. it’s way too much. Just leaves me very confused and clinging to false hope.

Yes she’s different hahah I took your guys’ advice and gave that up and this new girl helped take my attention away from thinking about the military girl. Very strange for someone like me to come here for advice twice in a 3 week span, but here I am. Haven’t had to in like 3 years prior to this. Thank you for your comment too, I know if you have to convince someone then it’s not worth it anyways. I just can’t help but thinking that she’s going through a lot and doesn’t want to jump into something new, so would I be a bad guy for not giving her time and a chance? Either way nothings guaranteed and we don’t owe each other anything. So like you said, best to carry on.

Also one more thing to add, this was like 36 hours ago when she told me all of this, so little to no time has passed.

Hi everyone, So I’m just looking for your thoughts on this as this situation has left me very confused and I want to know what I should expect and shouldn’t expect. Here’s the rundown: my best friends girlfriend works with this girl, El (for the sake of this post I’m referring to her as El just in case she’s for some reason on here). El just got out of a serious relationship of 3 years, and she broke up with her bf only 1 month ago. As you can tell, that’s not very long at all and this is important for what’s to come below. My friend and his gf told me I should message her because we would be great and she just got out of a relationship and it would be a perfect setup. I didn’t want to at first but eventually did. We hit it off instantly and began talking. This was roughly 3 weeks ago when I first messaged her, so almost instantly after her relationship ended (yikes?). We began talking through text/Snapchat and kept each other up all night almost every night just talking because we were getting along so well. When we first started talking, she told me she didn’t want a relationship because of how she just got out of one and needs time to herself. I said okay I get that, but if we took things super slowly and I gave you time would you like to keep talking? She said yes that’s fine, but reinsured me that she’s super unsure about anything new right now. We keep talking, I tried my best to not overstep and I eventually asked her if she wanted to go grab ice cream sometime. Just as friends. She said no because that felt like a date, and I thought that was weird in a sense but it’s okay. She told me the only way she would hangout is if we were with my friend, his girlfriend and her. So… that’s what we did! We were talking nonstop still getting along so well and she told me she really liked me and thought I was attractive and said that I would be good. We ended up hanging out as a group for 6 hours one night just casually, nothing romantic because I wanted to respect her wishes of her saying she didn’t want me to overstep and to take it slowly. That night went well I thought, my best friend and his girlfriend said they thought it went absolutely amazing and El said she had a great time getting to know me and loved it. I drive home that night and she messaged me saying how nice it was to meet me. The next day, she’s super quiet and not acting right. I thought that was super sus but didn’t mention anything. She wasn’t necessarily being short but I could tell something wasn’t right. The very next day I told myself not to message her and to wait for her to do it. So she did message me, and she told me she absolutely loves talking to me and thinks highly of me but after we hung out, she realized she’s not ready for a relationship and it was too much for her too quickly. She said she didn’t feel that “connection” in person like she thought she would and even mentioned our personalities differ. She said she really realized being there how not ready she is for a new relationship and it was overwhelming, despite hanging out together as casually as it can get. No affection or flirting or anything (which might be why there was no connection to be made 😉 ) I told her I completely respect her telling me this and that it was asking an awful lot for me to have her even try this out. I was upset but didn’t really show it with her other than asking if it was anything I did. I told my friend this and he was so shocked because it’s a complete 180 degree turnaround from how we were getting along over the last 2 weeks. My thoughts are that this is just a complete shell shock to her, going from the only boyfriend she’s ever had for 3 years (she’s 21) and trying to instantly get into something new. It was asking a lot of her and I understand that. My question to whoever reads this is: do I try talking to her still? Or just let her be and maybe after time passes she’ll come around? Or maybe she never will come around just because who knows where we’ll be months from now. She did like me and told me that, but this was just too much for her and it really did overwhelm her. We haven’t talked since she told me this. I’m going cold turkey hoping she might realize that “wow I really did like talking to him.. maybe I should keep trying” idk if that’s the right way to think, but it’s me clinging to hope because I loved talking to her too. This took me as a complete shock, going against what she said and my friends had said. Apparently she was raving about me and two days later she said no more.. what do I do? I’m so confused and really liked talking to this girl. edit: I also left it open and said if she had a change of heart to let me know. I know she doesn’t owe me anything at all, so this isn’t anything like that. Just very odd.

Very well said. It’s nice to change perspectives because it will provide more clarity and also to look at yourself from a different POV to see just how unreasonable you’re truly acting. Also from my own point of view, I wouldn’t want to date this girl without ever meeting her either. It’s more of working towards meeting each other is the first step. You start talking, you hangout, you enjoy hanging out and you date. I’m just at the very beginning and understand hanging out is insanely difficult due to the geographical distance currently. But she’s only where she’s at temporarily, not long term so that’s kinda where I’m clinging on to hope. Hope that maybe we can meet up and also hoping she would want to meet up too.