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New Relationship (kinda)


thelogride
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I think she simply confirmed again her lack of interest in you for a potential relationship.  Your standard is "if I find someone attractive and enjoy chatting with them there is potential for dating/a relationship."  It's not my standard, it's not hers, but it may be somoene elses.  It is yours.  Just don't assume when it comes to choosing to date someone -or not -that their standards will make sense to you or be like yours.  Everyone is different.  

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16 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Also she actually does think I’m attractive, she’s said this many times to me and others as well. Doesn’t make sense, usually if you felt that way and liked talking to someone you would want to get to know them and try things out.

Not always, no. 

I have met a few very attractive men that I had no interest in dating. They were objectively good-looking, but I just didn't feel that draw to them. Physical appearance is just part of the equation. 

I think you also need to realize that plenty of people have difficulty turning down someone bluntly and directly, so they dress it up with compliments to soften the blow. That's not to say she doesn't think you're attractive, but rather that you're misunderstanding the reasons she's continued to repeat this. She's trying to make "no, thanks" sound a little less painful. 

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29 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Not always, no. 

I have met a few very attractive men that I had no interest in dating. They were objectively good-looking, but I just didn't feel that draw to them. Physical appearance is just part of the equation. 

I think you also need to realize that plenty of people have difficulty turning down someone bluntly and directly, so they dress it up with compliments to soften the blow. That's not to say she doesn't think you're attractive, but rather that you're misunderstanding the reasons she's continued to repeat this. She's trying to make "no, thanks" sound a little less painful. 

I’m sure you’re right, it’s just hard trying to understand what I did wrong when we connected so well. People keep telling me that it’s not me, it’s her and it’s normal for this to happen. I just have a hard time accepting that and feel like I did something wrong or I’m not good enough. 

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Posted (edited)

I can acknowledge that a man is attractive while not personally being attracted to him.

I used to date a man who very strongly resembled a popular and well known actor. My friends and coworkers were constantly telling me how lucky I was to be dating such a good looking man and that he was "a keeper". Well, I personally didn't find him particularly attractive. I knew most women thought he was supremely hot but he just plain didn't do it for me. I stopped dating him. Some people thought I was nuts. But I was dating him, not them, and I just wasn't into him. It wasn't that he wasn't"good enough". It just wasn't happening for me, for various reasons.

So yes, you are surely attractive. And she knows this. But for whatever reason she isn't attracted enough to date you. And that's fine. I'm certain there are dozens of other women who will want to and would consider themselves lucky.

Have you tried any of these suggestions to meet women? Joining a meetup group, taking cooking or fitness or dancing lessons, joining a coed sports team, volunteering, going wine tasting with a single buddy, attending events?

Edited by boltnrun
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5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can acknowledge that a man is attractive while not personally being attracted to him.

I used to date a man who very strongly resembled a popular and well known actor. My friends and coworkers were constantly telling me how lucky I was to be dating such a good looking man and that he was "a keeper". Well, I personally didn't find him particularly attractive. I knew most women thought he was supremely hot but he just plain didn't do it for me. I stopped dating him. Some people thought I was nuts. But I was dating him, not them, and I just wasn't into him. It wasn't that he wasn't"good enough". It just wasn't happening for me, for various reasons.

So yes, you are surely attractive. And she knows this. But for whatever reason she isn't attracted enough to date you. And that's fine. I'm certain there are dozens of other women who will want to and would consider themselves lucky.

Have you tried any of these suggestions to meet women? Joining a meetup group, taking cooking or fitness or dancing lessons, joining a coed sports team, volunteering, going wine tasting with a single buddy, attending events?

Only thing I’ve tried is dating apps, which I’ve been on before and have had some successes. I’m back on one just to see what happens, not really trying to force anything right now after this whole ordeal. It’s tough being so mentally and emotionally invested in someone to go back out and start all over. 

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Just now, thelogride said:

I’m back on one just to see what happens, not really trying to force anything right now after this whole ordeal. 

Excellent. Once you start talking to and meeting interested unambiguous women you'll notice the difference and feel better.

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Just now, thelogride said:

Only thing I’ve tried is dating apps, which I’ve been on before and have had some successes. I’m back on one just to see what happens, not really trying to force anything right now after this whole ordeal. It’s tough being so mentally and emotionally invested in someone to go back out and start all over. 

Dating apps are fine but it's only one method. Doing the things I suggested isn't "forcing" anything. You shouldn't get involved in something you're not interested in just to try to meet women but rather find something you like to do and if women are present it's a bonus.

I hope you're not still messaging that woman and having hours long text conversations. Because if so, of course you won't be able to move on.

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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:I hope you're not still messaging that woman and having hours long text conversations. Because if so, of course you won't be able to move on.

I’m not talking to her and I’m pretty sure last night solidified things with me saying I can’t be a doormat. I didn’t say it like that but I did say I can’t be friendzoned for my own well being given my feelings. Don’t want to be taken advantage of. I’m hopeful she doesn’t reach out trying to talk or anything, I wouldn’t know what to do if she did. I’m not going to contact her that much I do know. I was pretty clear that I can’t continue whatever it was she was doing with me. 

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If you don't want to ask her not to contact you and then block her, if she does contact you just refer her to your previous conversation. If she's that insensitive to your feelings and wishes, maybe she's not the wonderful woman you've been thinking she is.

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38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you don't want to ask her not to contact you and then block her, if she does contact you just refer her to your previous conversation. If she's that insensitive to your feelings and wishes, maybe she's not the wonderful woman you've been thinking she is.

I should just block her but for some reason I’m having a hard time doing that. She told me last night to just block her if I feel that way but I didn’t. I don’t know, it’s hard to keep my thoughts in line. I’d like to forget about her but it’s hard to do it in an instant. 

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Just now, thelogride said:

I should just block her but for some reason I’m having a hard time doing that. She told me last night to just block her if I feel that way but I didn’t. I don’t know, it’s hard to keep my thoughts in line. I’d like to forget about her but it’s hard to do it in an instant. 

Mute her contact then. You won't receive notifications. Enjoy the blissful sounds of silence.

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6 minutes ago, thelogride said:

She told me last night to just block her if I feel that way but I didn’t.

So as of last night you were still talking to her?

It's not surprising you're still feeling like this if it hasn't even been 24 hours since you two last talked/messaged.

You can have her messages sent to the spam folder but that won't do any good if you still read them.

You can ask her to stop messaging you.

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1 hour ago, thelogride said:

it’s just hard trying to understand what I did wrong when we connected so well.

In your eyes you connected well. But not in hers; not in the same way, in any case. That's what you're not quite ready to accept yet. 

That doesn't mean that she didn't enjoy talking to you. But there wasn't a deeper feeling behind it. She is struggling with a break-up and sees you as a friend. There isn't anything you could have done differently. She isn't in a place to have someone else in her life, and she has now been clear that she doesn't view you as a romantic interest.

You didn't do anything wrong. You just set your hopes on the wrong person. 

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3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

In your eyes you connected well. But not in hers; not in the same way, in any case. That's what you're not quite ready to accept yet. 

That doesn't mean that she didn't enjoy talking to you. But there wasn't a deeper feeling behind it. She is struggling with a break-up and sees you as a friend. There isn't anything you could have done differently. She isn't in a place to have someone else in her life, and she has now been clear that she doesn't view you as a romantic interest.

You didn't do anything wrong. You just set your hopes on the wrong person. 

Knowing my luck I’ll move on from her and she will pop out of nowhere wanting to try for real this time. I’ve had that exact thing happen before when someone wasn’t interested in me but I wasn’t too invested so I didn’t care much. Months later they come back and say they were sorry and wanted to give things a chance but I said nope. Could be something similar here possibly but also probably not. Either way, the feeling was sooo good when I said no because I really wasn’t interested in that person anymore. I’m confident I can get to that point with this girl as well and put her in the past. Just like my old girlfriends, I thought I couldn’t live without them and now I could care less what they’re doing these days. It’s truly fascinating what time does. 

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40 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It really is.

Give yourself more time. And no more talking.

I will do my best. I was good at no contacting her until she reached out to me, but I also had different thoughts on her intentions which weren’t true. I was living in a fantasy land which is a waste of time sadly. 

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Here’s another question that I’m asking simply out of curiosity. I think I know what you’ll say, but I have seen it before. Am I bad person for not wanting to be her friend? I want to be more than friends and it would hurt me to be that close to her and know I can’t be that person for her. I’ve seen people frienzoned and end up coming out of it dating, but it’s not common. Am I bad for telling her that being her friend would be too difficult in this capacity?

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1 minute ago, thelogride said:

Here’s another question that I’m asking simply out of curiosity. I think I know what you’ll say, but I have seen it before. Am I bad person for not wanting to be her friend? I want to be more than friends and it would hurt me to be that close to her and know I can’t be that person for her. I’ve seen people frienzoned and end up coming out of it dating, but it’s not common. Am I bad for telling her that being her friend would be too difficult in this capacity?

No, you're being honest with her and true to yourself.

Yes, there's another thread on this very forum from the opposite perspective, where a young woman has a male friend who said what you said, that he can't be her friend. He told her that if she reconciles with her ex he can't continue the friendship because he himself has feelings for her. And lots of people vilified him and said he's a terrible person. But I disagree. This woman you've been communicating with doesn't feel the same way you do and it doesn't seem like that's going to change. So yes, it's best to step away unless you want a front row seat if/when she starts dating some other man.

She was doing OK before your friends introduced you and she'll be fine now.  You do what's best for you.

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47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So yes, it's best to step away unless you want a front row seat if/when she starts dating some other man.

She was doing OK before your friends introduced you and she'll be fine now.  You do what's best for you.

I wouldn’t be able to take it having a front row seat when she starts dating someone. Absolutely no way I would be able to take it. I need to remove myself completely. It sucks that she sees me as this super nice person and everything the a girl would look for in a guy, but says She’s not interested. Something doesn’t add up and make sense clearly. I think she has her own issues (much like me) that she needs to address. She sounds like she really has no idea what she wants either. 

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You wouldn't be a friend in the true sense of the word if you have other motives. It's a bit false and dishonest really.

Why live like that when you could invest in your own future, take up new hobbies, meet new people and altogether restart your life, rather than living in the shadows like that pretending to be a friend and not a friend?

At this point it's a good idea to think carefully and take stock of what you want out of life as a whole, in the big picture. It may help you make decisions in the meantime on the day to day grind - message or not to message, friend or not to friend. If you want more out of life, these ideas won't be an option.

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1 hour ago, thelogride said:

Am I bad person for not wanting to be her friend? I want to be more than friends

No, but it's deceptive to pretend to be her friend when you are really just orbiting. I'm sure she knows that's what you're doing. Women can tell when a guy is doing this, and it's not a good look for you (or any guy). If your friendship is conditional or temporary, move on. Don't orbit.

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13 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

No, but it's deceptive to pretend to be her friend when you are really just orbiting. I'm sure she knows that's what you're doing. Women can tell when a guy is doing this, and it's not a good look for you (or any guy). If your friendship is conditional or temporary, move on. Don't orbit.

Well I told her I don’t want to be “friends” for that very reason. This would be the textbook definition of friendzone in my opinion, and I do not want anything to do with that. I’m sure she just wants to keep me around as a friend to fill the void until she finds someone. 

31 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You wouldn't be a friend in the true sense of the word if you have other motives. It's a bit false and dishonest really.

Why live like that when you could invest in your own future, take up new hobbies, meet new people and altogether restart your life, rather than living in the shadows like that pretending to be a friend and not a friend?

At this point it's a good idea to think carefully and take stock of what you want out of life as a whole, in the big picture. It may help you make decisions in the meantime on the day to day grind - message or not to message, friend or not to friend. If you want more out of life, these ideas won't be an option.

I don’t want to live like that, which is why I told her I can’t do it and she didn’t take that very well at all. Like… I’m sorry but if she can’t understand that then *** is her intentions anyways. Im not here to be used as needed for her support. As much as I would love to be there to support her and care for her, it would have to be in the dating level not this friendzone nonsense. After I told her this last night she didn’t take it kindly and honestly probably cried some. Can’t confirm it though. I’ve been told she was super upset when we stopped talking the first time (that was her doing) and now I’m sure she’s just as upset. None of this makes any sense at all, but I know what I need to do and it’s to say goodbye. If she really likes talking to me and has a revelation that I would actually be boyfriend material then she can go out of her way to tell me. And no.. I’m not planning on that happening but I have seen it happen before unfortunately. Where were from it happens more often than not (smaller town Iowa).

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Well I told her I don’t want to be “friends” for that very reason.

You are responsible for yourself. It doesn't work to tell another person that you don't want to do something and expect them to babysit you and make sure you don't do it. 

5 minutes ago, thelogride said:

This would be the textbook definition of friendzone in my opinion, and I do not want anything to do with that.

Your actions speak otherwise, as you've been living in the friendzone for at least three weeks. Complaining doesn't take you out of the friendzone.

5 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I’m sure she just wants to keep me around as a friend to fill the void until she finds someone. 

I wouldn't bet on it. You're making a spectacle of yourself and she's politely letting you do it. I doubt she'll give it much thought if you decide to take your ball and go home.

Edited by Jibralta
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1 hour ago, thelogride said:

It sucks that she sees me as this super nice person and everything the a girl would look for in a guy, but says She’s not interested. Something doesn’t add up and make sense clearly. I think she has her own issues (much like me) that she needs to address

Just because she doesn't want to date you doesn't mean she "has issues". She just isn't interested in you as a romantic partner.

I think you got way ahead of yourself in this situation. You refer to meeting her and hanging out a couple of times as a "new relationship" when it really wasn't. She's someone your friends introduced you to, who you spent a few hours with in person and exchanged a lot of messages with. She may have thought in the beginning there was potential but then realized she didn't have the right kind of feelings for you. That isn't an "issue". It's her being honest with you.

I understand you're deeply disappointed. But in time you'll realize she was right in being honest with you. You'll dust yourself off and get back out there and meet other young women. 

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