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New Relationship (kinda)


thelogride
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I do have one thing that for some reason is just really weighing on me, and I can’t explain why. I know I already mentioned this, but I’m feeling realllly guilty and like a horrible person for not wanting to be her “friend”. I have no problem with being on good terms and say hi if I bumped into her at the store, but I can’t be her best friend and talk to her everyday like we were. Am I wrong for this?? I sure feel guilty.. and I don’t know why. 

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17 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I do have one thing that for some reason is just really weighing on me, and I can’t explain why. I know I already mentioned this, but I’m feeling realllly guilty and like a horrible person for not wanting to be her “friend”. I have no problem with being on good terms and say hi if I bumped into her at the store, but I can’t be her best friend and talk to her everyday like we were. Am I wrong for this?? I sure feel guilty.. and I don’t know why. 

Perhaps discuss with your therapist if you may have codependent tendencies. Codependent people will do whatever they think other people want, even if it hurts them. They will do things that are upsetting, things they're afraid to do, things they think are morally wrong and even bankrupt themselves in order to "help" others. At their core is a fear of being abandoned or unloved. They fear if they don't do everything for everyone, no one will love them.

She was fine before you two met and she's fine now. She has your friend's girlfriend to talk to and probably plenty of others. Yeah, she likes having you available because you're a fan and it felt good for her ego to know someone thought she was the shizz. But that doesn't require you to continue to allow her unlimited access to you. Especially once she starts dating and wants to tell you all about the awesome new guy she just met. After all, that what friends talk about, right?

If you don't look out for yourself who's going to? 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Perhaps discuss with your therapist if you may have codependent tendencies. Codependent people will do whatever they think other people want, even if it hurts them. They will do things that are upsetting, things they're afraid to do, things they think are morally wrong and even bankrupt themselves in order to "help" others. At their core is a fear of being abandoned or unloved. They fear if they don't do everything for everyone, no one will love them.

She was fine before you two met and she's fine now. She has your friend's girlfriend to talk to and probably plenty of others. Yeah, she likes having you available because you're a fan and it felt good for her ego to know someone thought she was the shizz. But that doesn't require you to continue to allow her unlimited access to you. Especially once she starts dating and wants to tell you all about the awesome new guy she just met. After all, that what friends talk about, right?

If you don't look out for yourself who's going to? 

Thank you for the confirmation, I needed this support with your comment. The absolute last thing I want to do is to be her bff and hear her talk about guys she likes or is dating or going to date. Absolutely no chance, I would be full of resent if I allowed that to happen. I do want her to be happy, I really do because I care about her. I think she’s a great woman. But I can’t be a mental punching bag in that sense where I know darn well she would take advantage of that probably to boost her ego. That being talking to me about other guys.. no thank you. I’m sure she’s doing just fine and has others to talk too as well. I’m sure she isn’t feeling the same things that I’m feeling about her so she’s already in a better position than I am. I’m sure she’s doing just fine. 

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She must have known this friendship would be short lived since she knew you were interested in dating her.  So I wouldn't feel guilty and also for the reasons Boltnrun mentioned above.

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OP, if I may....I'm going to be very blunt here: 

It's not as though you two have known each other long enough for her to deeply value a friendship with you. You have chatted a bit. You have only met once. She likely doesn't place that much importance on you being her friend, so your guilt is misplaced. She didn't come to depend on you and likely won't really miss the communication with you, simply because she barely knows you. I doubt she is in some sort of emotional freefall now becausee you don't want to be her friend. She's fine. 

My guess is that it's not guilt you're feeling, but panic because you feel this "friendship" was your last lifeline to her and you are freaking out now that you have cut it off. I would wager this regret you're feeling has little to do with worrying about upsettig her, and a lot more to do with you worrying that you'll never talk to her again. 

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Posted (edited)

 A little psycho babble here -

Admittedly you have a strong attachment style and some self esteme issues.  When someone turns away it triggers some feelings of abandonment.  If you try to look it that this way, this really isn't about her being 'the one'   It's a pattern that some have and if they don't address it, it will continue to repeat itself. 

When the feeling of abandonment triggers, your mind goes into overdrive desperately trying to stop the discomfort.  It probably explains why you were inclined to only hear what you wanted to hear and ignore the rest. 

Be wary of the guilt you are feeling now.  You may be tricking yourself into thinking you now need to reach out and apologize.

Romantic relationships have a way of shining a light on our own personal issues we need to work on.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Emotions often are not logical. That's why it's a good idea to work with a professional so you can learn tools to help stop yourself from going into a tailspin or a depressed episode if something doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped. It can also help to stop having unrealistic expectations.

A few years ago I met a man I found interesting and attractive. We had hung out in a group after a couple of events. We had talked and laughed a lot and generally seemed to have a great connection. So the next time I saw him I asked him if I could give him my number. He explained he was dating someone and therefore wasn't available. I didn't go into a tailspin and I didn't ruminate about how I wasn't "good enough" or that the woman he was dating was OBVIOUSLY much "better" than me, and I didn't lurk hoping he'd change his mind. I just shrugged and went on with my life. We continued to hang out in that same friend group with zero weirdness.

Don't sabotage yourself by trying to think of excuses to contact her to say you're thinking about her or to "apologize" for not being willing to be her fan. And don't talk about her to your friends. 

Have you made any plans that could put you in position to meet new women?

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47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

A few years ago I met a man I found interesting and attractive. We had hung out in a group after a couple of events. We had talked and laughed a lot and generally seemed to have a great connection. So the next time I saw him I asked him if I could give him my number. He explained he was dating someone and therefore wasn't available. I didn't go into a tailspin and I didn't ruminate about how I wasn't "good enough" or that the woman he was dating was OBVIOUSLY much "better" than me, and I didn't lurk hoping he'd change his mind. I just shrugged and went on with my life. We continued to hang out in that same friend group with zero weirdness.

In 2003 after over a year of a developing platonic friendship with my friend's older brother, we started dating.  He was a self-described reformed player.  I was in my mid 30s, he was 40.  I fell fast and hard and truthfully until right before our first date I didn't realize at all I had feelings for him (not sure if/when he did).  He didn't fall fast and hard.  He never fell in love with me.  We dated for about 5 months, exclusive for about 3. He ended it because he wasn't feeling it.  He then wanted to continue to be friends and also to hook up.  I fooled around with him once after we broke up and realized it was a bad idea and told him if he realized he did want something serious with me to contact me but otherwise not to.  We ran into each other a couple of months later and he told me he was seeing someone.  About a year later a friend -out of kindness so I wouldn't hear about it randomly -heard through a small world grapevine he was engaged to her.  He actually did still contact me -not so much reformed as a "player."  I kept my distance.

Here's the thing -I truly believe the woman he married was superior to me.  She was more attractive than me.  She seemed more "all that" than me.  I was still friends with his brother (and we never spoke of him other than very rarely in passing if it was contextual about a family gathering) and the brother's wife told me that the wife was a nice person/good person. 

And you know what -that's ok.  I accept that I believe certain people are more attractive than me, and/or more successful, smarter, doing more interesting things.  But I also accept myself.  I feel humility about my weaknesses, work on my strengths, etc.  It's really ok to believe you were "rejected" for someone who is not only better for the person but "better" in certain respects. 

Now, I do know she has to put up with his um bad boundaries (it can't be just me he continued to contact/flirt with, etc). but it's really ok that he found someone who has some superior qualities.  It feels good to get to a place like that.  I compared, yes, which is not a great idea -but accepted it and moved on.  Just a suggestion as to mindset going forward. 

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I don't believe anyone is "better" than anyone else. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, their talents and their lack of talent lol. I'm not athletic but I am a good cook. I'm not beautiful but I'm fun and funny. I'm a loyal friend. So I actually don't subscribe to the idea that someone chooses not to date me because someone else is "better" and that I'm "not good enough". It just means we weren't right for one another.

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't believe anyone is "better" than anyone else. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, their talents and their lack of talent lol. I'm not athletic but I am a good cook. I'm not beautiful but I'm fun and funny. I'm a loyal friend. So I actually don't subscribe to the idea that someone chooses not to date me because someone else is "better" and that I'm "not good enough". It just means we weren't right for one another.

Oh I didn't feel I wasn't good enough I just accepted she was more attractive looking than me, more put together than me and more of what he was looking for including her looks and height (taller than me, more model-like). 

What I'm saying is I was able to be ok with not being everyone's match including because the person wanted someone with certain qualities seen -objectively - as superior by many (just like I know moms who will take every opportunity to mention how tall their sons are because this is seen as superior to being a boy who is shorter than average (like my son and my husband also). 

I could have felt bitter, thought of how "shallow" that was (or wondered why she was more pulled together than me), but I didn't go there.  Didn't feel it either. And it helped me continue a positive outlook on dating and relationships and "men".  Not staying in contact with him after was another way I prevented getting jaded or telling myself -wrongly- that he used me somehow.  

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After being away from here for a couple of days, I seem to be struggling more today than I have been in the last 2 days. I’m still doing better than I was 2 weeks ago, but am still finding myself thinking of this girl. Why do I care to know what she’s doing? It has no impact on my life and I know this, yet I’m driven to know by checking her socials. Makes me feel like a lunatic. It’s officially now been longer not talking to her than the entire time where we were talking, if that says anything about how easily I got attached. We’re still friends on everything but haven’t spoken since Sunday, which I guess is great on my part. I was honestly expecting her to reach out even though she has no real reason to, but I’m sure that’s my “hopeful instinct” still thinking. I keep telling myself I need to be with someone who WANTS to be with me and it’ll make life so much easier instead of chasing someone who doesn’t. I also have been asking myself this… if this woman was to come around and reach out and say she’s had a change heart and wants to get to know me better, would I take her up on the offer. I like to think I would say no, but I know right now I would say yes. That’s not the right way to think by thinking she would ever come around, because she won’t. But it’s just a thought that I had earlier. I know she’s been extra keeping to herself this week but obviously I don’t know why. I’m sure she has her own things going on and her life isn’t all perfect like I think it is in my mind. We all have our own battles to fight daily. I just wish I could forget about her and move forward 😞 I truly mean that. 

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40 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I just wish I could forget about her and move forward 😞 I truly mean that. 

Unfriend and stop looking at her social media.

If I wanted to lose weight would you recommend I eat pizza and chocolate cake every day? If I wanted to stop drinking would you suggest I go hang out at a bar?

You need to be your own best friend here. Instead of doing things you know will hurt you.

How about making plans with some friends? NOT the ones who introduced you. Some other friends. Keep busy and you won't have time to cyber stalk.

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What Boltnrun said and remind yourself you have no idea whatsoever if she’s keeping to herself this week and it’s a bit arrogant of you to think you know anything about what she’s doing. Social media is not what she’s doing. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Some of this is a learning experience  but be careful not to go down the path of beating yourself up. 
if she comes back in a long time from now and is interested and available explore what has changed and if you’re still interested. If she contacts you soon know that you’re not her first choice and question her motives for her changing her mind.  Good luck !

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Unfriend and stop looking at her social media.

If I wanted to lose weight would you recommend I eat pizza and chocolate cake every day? If I wanted to stop drinking would you suggest I go hang out at a bar?

You need to be your own best friend here. Instead of doing things you know will hurt you.

How about making plans with some friends? NOT the ones who introduced you. Some other friends. Keep busy and you won't have time to cyber stalk.

I’m finally making plans again rather than keep to myself. Going out golfing with my friends tomorrow so that should be nice. Im also in the works of purchasing a house so that’s really been distracting me. Lots to be thankful for in life and shouldn’t let one simple woman let me forget that 

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Delete this woman from social media. 

You need to start approaching these things differently if you genuinely want to move on and not get overly-attached so quickly. 

Consider deleting her your first step. It's not going to happen with her anyway. 

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