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New Relationship (kinda)


thelogride
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10 hours ago, thelogride said:

Easy to type behind a keyboard not understanding what I’m actually going through or understanding the exact situation.

But that is the thing, most of people here does understand what you are going through. Dont you think any of us has been "stuck" on some person that we thought the circumstances would change in time so everything would be fine? That is why we are telling you to move on. It wont happen and not worth it. 

The problem here is your innability to accept that. You think you should just wait it out and magically she would start to like you as more than a friend. Thus giving yourself false hope. Where you wait for months for that "double date"(not double date at all btw, just hanging out with friends) where you think that magically circumstances would change and she would see how "you are the one for her". 

It doesnt go like that. You would lose months chasing a fantasy. Only to get nothing and end up dissapointed. That is why people are telling you to give up and move on. Is it going to be easy? No, nobody said it was easy. But would save you time and who knows, maybe in those months you actually meet somebody who will actually like you enough to be with you. 

Problem is, you would rather self-sabotage yourself. You would rather live in that fantasy than actually try to break free. There is no help for you if you are not going to try to help yourself. That means breaking out of that cycle. Dont contact her. Start meeting and chasing other women. Than you would maybe see for yourself how all of this isnt really worth it. As you would maybe meet somebody where those things would happen organically. Where she would want to go out with you alone. Where she wont make up excuses why she cant be with you but actually like you and want to be with you. Because like this you are purposely torturing yourself. While you could already be with some other girl.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all, just wanted to share updates. I’ve left her alone almost entirely except 4 days ago I did ask let her know I was thinking about her and was wishing her the best. We talked for a little bit and she said she wasn’t doing well at all from her breakup still, so she truly is struggling with that. I ended that convo telling her I’m always there if she ever needs anything. Moving forward now to yesterday… SHE actually contacted me and we talked for about 4 hours. It’s was a nice flashback from a few weeks ago where we were talking and we talked casually for 4 hours. There was no reason for her to reach out to me, but she personally did and wanted to to have a conversation. While it was friendly, it’s encouraging to see that she was thinking about me and wanted to talk up until we fell asleep. I don’t want to overanalyze it, and I’m back to not contacting her unless she reaches out to me. What should I be thinking right now??

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8 hours ago, thelogride said:

Hi all, just wanted to share updates. I’ve left her alone almost entirely except 4 days ago I did ask let her know I was thinking about her and was wishing her the best. We talked for a little bit and she said she wasn’t doing well at all from her breakup still, so she truly is struggling with that. I ended that convo telling her I’m always there if she ever needs anything. Moving forward now to yesterday… SHE actually contacted me and we talked for about 4 hours. It’s was a nice flashback from a few weeks ago where we were talking and we talked casually for 4 hours. There was no reason for her to reach out to me, but she personally did and wanted to to have a conversation. While it was friendly, it’s encouraging to see that she was thinking about me and wanted to talk up until we fell asleep. I don’t want to overanalyze it, and I’m back to not contacting her unless she reaches out to me. What should I be thinking right now??

Since you want to date her and she doesn't want to date you why did you give her the privilege of 4 hours of your time like that? Also she knows you are interested -so what was the conversation about -her telling you about how she's struggling with her breakup or was she genuinely interested in you -meaning what you like to do, your work, your summer plans, what music you like, movies etc? 

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25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Since you want to date her and she doesn't want to date you why did you give her the privilege of 4 hours of your time like that? Also she knows you are interested -so what was the conversation about -her telling you about how she's struggling with her breakup or was she genuinely interested in you -meaning what you like to do, your work, your summer plans, what music you like, movies etc? 

We didn’t talk about her breakup at all. We talked about her trip that she’s about to go on, about a house I’m about to close on, about dogs lol, about work, and about hiking. So it was a conversation that was all over the place but she was interested and initiated it and kept it going. Why did I give her 4 hours of my time? Because I like her and have been strangely optimistic about her given the circumstances 

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8 hours ago, thelogride said:

What should I be thinking right now??

Nothing different from before, really. 

She is hurting from her break-up and you're a convenient and available ear. You're going to be disappointed if you start getting your hopes up here. 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Nothing different from before, really. 

She is hurting from her break-up and you're a convenient and available ear. You're going to be disappointed if you start getting your hopes up here. 

I’m not talking to her about her breakup though. If she didn’t feel something towards me then she wouldn’t have said anything to me at all. No reason for her to do that given how we left things off 

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10 minutes ago, thelogride said:

 If she didn’t feel something towards me then she wouldn’t have said anything to me at all. 

Unfortunately this is the classic demotion from relationship to friendzone. Sadly you are now in the male-girlfriend zone which is worse than the friendzone.

It's not to reconcile, but if neither of you want that and wish to stay friends then you're not sacrificing 4 hours of your time.

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16 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I’m not talking to her about her breakup though. If she didn’t feel something towards me then she wouldn’t have said anything to me at all. No reason for her to do that given how we left things off 

My former friend believed the same thing. And I believed him when he said he accepted that I had friendly feelings for him but not romantic. He never accepted it and continued to tell himself I wouldn't be talking to him if I didn't have feelings for him.

I eventually had to end the friendship when it became clear he wasn't going to accept reality; that I saw him as a friend, not a romantic partner.

Are you even trying to meet other women?

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40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is the classic demotion from relationship to friendzone. Sadly you are now in the male-girlfriend zone which is worse than the friendzone.

It's not to reconcile, but if neither of you want that and wish to stay friends then you're not sacrificing 4 hours of your time.

Or maybe she wants to keep me close because she knows how I feel about her and she feels something towards me too, as she has told me this previously. I had no idea she was struggling this badly with moving on from her past relationship and this kinda confirms what she said that she wasn’t ready to do anything new. Way too soon. Maybe I need to be here for her and keep my distance and let her do her thing. If she needed anything I would help in an instant, but I haven’t been talking to her at all other than my reminder to her that I was thinking about her and care. I think I keep this up and if something opened in the future great, but I need to not bank on it. 

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1 hour ago, thelogride said:

I’m not talking to her about her breakup though. If she didn’t feel something towards me then she wouldn’t have said anything to me at all. No reason for her to do that given how we left things off 

Yes. I realize that. 

But she's still hurting from her breakup, and she told you herself that she is struggling. You don't seem to recognize rebound behaviour when you see it. You're currently just filling the void that her ex left behind. She doesn't have him to talk to all the time anymore, but you're offering yourself as a stand-in, so you'll do for now. 

You would be wise to keep your distance and not offer hours of your time. Nor would it make sense to help her in an instant. You hardly know her. You can be kind without demonstrating that you have flimsy boundaries. 

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38 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Yes I am and it’s not going very well sadly 

What have you done to meet women? Joined meetup groups or other activity groups? Gone to events? Done any volunteer work? Participated on a sports team? Signed up to learn ballroom dancing or ceramics or attend a fitness or cooking class?

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The very best thing you can do if there is any remote chance of her wanting to date you in the future is to tell her nicely and politely "I enjoyed our conversation a lot.  And, I realized that because I am interested in dating you spending time together as friends is not healthy for me.  If you ever change your mind and want to date me feel free to reach out and if I'm interested and available we can talk about it then!"

If you continue to be this available to her she will regard you as a doormat and will reach out when she's in the mood to chat and because she enjoys the ego boost of knowing how much you want her. It will disincentivize her to see you as a potential date much less boyfriend.

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On 4/21/2022 at 11:42 PM, thelogride said:

Also one more thing to add, this was like 36 hours ago when she told me all of this, so little to no time has passed. 

Yup, just leave her be.  She probably had the effect of 'reality hit' once you all actually met up - and she felt too overwhelmed, as she's still trying to process her BU of 3 yrs 😕 .

Then you be respectful and let it go.  Expect nothing more and let this gal do her thing.  She's emotionally spent and just doesn't want or need anymore complications.

Is maybe best to find an actual real friendship with those who you see as real 'friendship' potential. that is often not with a recently single woman.

 

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Posted (edited)

To understand "orbiter" better here's what it entails: The electron travels in circular orbits around the nucleus. The orbits have quantized sizes and energies. Energy is emitted from the atom when the electron jumps from one orbit to another closer to the nucleus. Shown here is the first Balmer transition, in which an electron jumps from orbit n = 3 to orbit n = 2.

You are the electron. You are in the outer orbit.

image.png.a1c1fa3ac6ac1a963d7985c784c3084a.png

Edited by Wiseman2
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Well, after talking with her casually for 3 or 4 days and she seemed like she was really enjoying it, I brought up the fact that while I like being her friend, it’s hard for me because I’ll always want to be more than friends. She didn’t take that very well and said that’s not how friendships work. I explained to her that I need to do what’s best for myself and if there’s no chance of us ever dating in the future at any point in time, then I’ll be so hurt just being her friend and seeing her with a new guy. While being friends would work, I can’t keep talking to her everyday and be fine in my head when I know I want more. She bluntly said she’s not interested in me that way and I’m not her type, whatever that evens means. She follows it up by saying I’m super attractive to her and she loves talking to me. What the *** does that even mean?? HOW can you be attracted to someone and like talking to them daily yet say they aren’t your type, when you’ve NEVER even hung out more than one time. Makes absolutely no sense to me but that doesn’t matter. The last couple of nights she’s went to bed very upset with me for bringing this up and I warned her before I said this that she will probably be upset, but I only am saying this because I care about her so much and can’t bare to see her dating someone one day while we still talk as friends. I feel like I’m being used as a doormat and a placeholder until she finds someone, and that’s why I told her I can’t do this with her if there’s no chance of us happening in the future. I told her I care about her so much and we connected so well. She said she’s turned down other guys for the same reason as me, so it’s not me. I have no clue what goes through her mind, but she said she’s been in a war of thoughts the last month and it’s still going on. Sounds like she has to find herself, but I need to forget about her and not speak to her again. Girls are a specimen man. I love taking to her too, just like she loves talking to me, but I cannot keep this up for my own mental well-being. 

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Ok so now you told her you don't want to be used as her ego-booster until mr. ex or mr. her type comes along, are you going to follow thru?

I am only asking because since you posted this, a lot of people have responded and gave you great advices and you are still talking to her or reaching out to let her know again 'that you're thinking about her'? 

Because you are not doing yourself any favor in making yourself super available to someone who is emotionally unavailable. This is the same thing about the military woman you met online. You need to really need to work on yourself and ask yourself some tough questions.

 

 

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2 hours ago, thelogride said:

 she’s not interested in me that way and I’m not her type,  and she loves talking to me. 

Let go. Don't get strung along like this. Why be a male-girlfriend when you would rather be someone's BF?

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, thelogride said:

Girls are a specimen man.

You're a pretty interesting specimen yourself!

7 hours ago, thelogride said:

She bluntly said she’s not interested in me that way and I’m not her type, whatever that evens means.

7 hours ago, thelogride said:

I feel like I’m being used as a doormat and a placeholder until she finds someone

I don't know why you're holding her responsible for your behavior. 

Edited by Jibralta
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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, thelogride said:

She didn’t take that very well and said that’s not how friendships work.

She's right.  She is an individual who was open with you about not being attracted to you in the way she should for a potential romantic relationship and she doesn't want to lead you on.  She also tried to soften the "blow" by complimenting your physical features. She enjoys talking with you and doesn't want a romantic relationship with you.  Both are true and valid.

(For example I find Paul Rudd attractive and I would not be attracted to him for purposes of a romantic relationship).  Her choice to share this with you is a great example of character and integrity and also thoughtfulness IMO.  I'm sorry you're disappointed that she confirmed she doesn't want a relationship with you and it was a good choice on your part to be open about not being comfortable with just a friendship.

Edited by Batya33
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8 hours ago, thelogride said:

She bluntly said she’s not interested in me that way and I’m not her type, whatever that evens means. She follows it up by saying I’m super attractive to her and she loves talking to me. What the *** does that even mean?? HOW can you be attracted to someone and like talking to them daily yet say they aren’t your type

Ego boost. She is perfectly capable of knowing that you dont do 4 hour phone calls with anyone and that you are interested in her. However, she is perfectly fine with you orbiting there until some other guy she actually likes come along. Telling herself that she already told you that you are just friends. Which to be fair she did, just that, she knows you are still attracted to her and keeps you there. Why? Maybe she is bored. Or just wants somebody to say nice words to her. In any case, you should walk away.

Also, I am sorry, but you are not attractive to her. Its just some BS excuse. If you are, she would be with you. Its like when they say they want a guy like you, but not you. Anything after "but" is the real sentiment. 

Dont talk to her and dont reach out. Just walk away.

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It doesn't make sense that you tell her you can't talk to her as "just friends" and then...continue to talk to her. Do you think if you persist she'll change her mind? Because she already told you "no", more than once.

If you keep reaching out to her  to tell her you're thinking about her, she won't be the one at fault.

It's important to act as your own best advocate. No one else will do that for you.

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Putting it in a timeline perspective, I truly thought she wasn’t ready for a relationship and that’s why she wanted to be just friends. So I thought maybe I just need to give her time, which is why I was fine with being her friend. I do enjoy talking to her, but after talking back and forth this past week I did tell her that I’d have a hard time being friends when I know I want more. It would be stringing myself along just to be hurt when she does find a new boyfriend or talks to other guys. It’s guaranteed to happen and it’ll make me upset, so it’s best not to put myself in that position. I guess you could say I’m in the “acceptance” part of the grief cycle. Obviously I would love her to say “omg you’re so right, I should get to know you more and give it a chance you treat me so well” but that will not happen. At least not anytime soon. So, I’m walking away from her. I can’t be this available “friend” to talk for hours like we’re dating but not be dating. It just doesn’t sit right with me. And yes, you all did warn me but my heart is too big and I was so hopeful. Also she actually does think I’m attractive, she’s said this many times to me and others as well. Doesn’t make sense, usually if you felt that way and liked talking to someone you would want to get to know them and try things out. What do I know though , apparently not a whole lot!

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