Second date?

[Rose Mosse]

You may not want to hear this but in addition to his recent break up he may have found there wasn’t enough chemistry in person. He may want a new relationship. Just not with you. 

Feel the vibes early on and if it’s not mutual, don’t struggle with it. Pass. Move onto the next. 

The third issue here is that you over-invested before meeting him and your expectations were very high. First meets are meet ups only, not dates. It’s a quick scan whether someone is on the same wavelength. 

Dial it back a bit in your chats and don’t get overinvolved texting before meeting or finding out someone’s life history. Meet within 1-3 days, tops. One week was ok but pushing it. I understand people work and are busy but don’t let it go on any longer. Leave this guy alone and don’t even waste a moment or breath more of your time.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

That's the thing. He doesn't go on and on about his ex at all. All he told me the one time was that he ended a relationship and the last year of it wasn't good as they weren't compatible. He never mentions it, he, or anything else at all. 

What is "never" -you met him once in person.  There is no never, there is no pattern.  It's alarming how you describe this as if you're dating this person or know him in any real way other than your one meeting (no I don't count all the typing and talking and texting before you met him -not for purposes of romantic relationship potential) - he only mentioned it one time because it's personal and you're not at a point with him to share such personal info.

But he was straightforward from the get go that he is not ready for a potential relationship with anyone.  You just chose to interpret it to justify meeting and going to his home.  Please consider being more honest with yourself.  I agree with Andrina.  

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

All he told me the one time was that he ended a relationship and the last year of it wasn't good as they weren't compatible. 

Ok, you seem quite hung up on him after one date, so take your chances despite the red flags you mentioned. 

[Alex39]

50 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You may not want to hear this but in addition to his recent break up he may have found there wasn’t enough chemistry in person. He may want a new relationship. Just not with you. 

Feel the vibes early on and if it’s not mutual, don’t struggle with it. Pass. Move onto the next. 

The third issue here is that you over-invested before meeting him and your expectations were very high. First meets are meet ups only, not dates. It’s a quick scan whether someone is on the same wavelength. 

Dial it back a bit in your chats and don’t get overinvolved texting before meeting or finding out someone’s life history. Meet within 1-3 days, tops. One week was ok but pushing it. I understand people work and are busy but don’t let it go on any longer. Leave this guy alone and don’t even waste a moment or breath more of your time.

I understand if he didn't feel chemistry, but he was into kissing me and has been talking to me daily since. If you weren't feeling it, why do that?

[Rose Mosse]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I understand if he didn't feel chemistry, but he was into kissing me and has been talking to me daily since. If you weren't feeling it, why do that?

Because you’re available and some people will kiss anyone. The fresh break up will also cause a void in a person’s life. You’re the convenient body that’s available at the time. Try not to overthink this. 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I understand if he didn't feel chemistry, but he was into kissing me and has been talking to me daily since. If you weren't feeling it, why do that?

Didn't you yourself say the content of the messages has changed?

He's possibly being polite.

You seem to want very much to continue this, despite his lukewarm messages. You have all the information you need. You do with that information whatever you choose.

[reinventmyself]

20 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. So he really hasn't been in a functioning relationship in a year. 

We ignore the rest and only listen to the one thing we want to hear that gives us the permission to move forward without caution.

Look. . it's possible he likes you.   But what is not in question is he just got out of a long term, difficult relationship.  It's up to you how you want to navigate this.  You seem to dismiss the words of caution.  

I, for one will not tell you to not see him.  But I will tell you to slow your roll and not get invested until which time you know better.  That's all.   

I suspect the slow down in communication this past week was an unsaid message he was trying to tell you.  Slow down.  He stated as much.  Try listening to that.

 

 

[Batya33]

People have all sorts of reasons for not planning an official first date after a first meet.  It's why dating requires a thick skin especially if your goal is a long term relationship/marriage.

[limichelle]

I’ve learned dating is actually quite simple. It’s our emotions that make it seem hard. 
 

So this is what I’ve learned: 

Listen to the other person and believe them when they tell you either they’re not ready or they need time. Don’t wait for them to be ready. 
 

The truth is if someone is interested in you. They’ll let you know by asking you out. Not saying they aren’t ready. It will be more black and white then you think. 
 

It won’t be so complicated. You’ll never have to keep guessing how they feel. Because they’ll show it. 
 

It sucks because nobody is ever direct to just say “Hey not interested”

so it keeps you guessing…

 

So it’s best to see it for what it is so you don’t waste time and cut them out and move on. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, limichelle said:

It sucks because nobody is ever direct to just say “Hey not interested”

so it keeps you guessing…

I was never kept guessing.  To me silence =lack of interest (in early dating - if we'd been dating awhile, had an understanding then yes I wanted a conversation).  If he didn't ask me out again that meant he wasn't interested in dating.  No guessing needed.  I was direct sometimes -depended on circumstances and my safety.  I didn't care for those emails or calls "you are SO amazing but I'm not good enough for you" or some such nonsense. I didn't need to hear how amazing/awesome/perfect I was from someone I recently met.  I was harassed a number of times for telling a man I was not interested in another date.  

[Alex39]

I get what you all are saying. I am going to slow my roll a lot. I think I've put cards out on the table at this point. It is what it is. 

 

I went out with guys before him. Lots of first dates. Then they stopped texting me after. I got the hint. I got the picture. I'm not dumb. The fact that he keeps initiating with me and seems to want to know what is going on in my life, that's what's throwing me off. 

 

Like why not just stop talking to me? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

he keeps initiating with me and seems to want to know what is going on in my life, that's what's throwing me off. 

Is he planning dates? It's ok to chat with him, but keep talking to and meeting others because that's what he is doing also. 

[Andrina]

He likes the ego boost that you have a crush on him. It feels good to have a fan. People who are like this lack kindness, not caring that they are keeping a fish wriggling on a line that they never intend to reel in.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I get what you all are saying. I am going to slow my roll a lot. I think I've put cards out on the table at this point. It is what it is. 

 

I went out with guys before him. Lots of first dates. Then they stopped texting me after. I got the hint. I got the picture. I'm not dumb. The fact that he keeps initiating with me and seems to want to know what is going on in my life, that's what's throwing me off. 

 

Like why not just stop talking to me? 

Because it's fun and it's good for his ego and no effort needed -he texted you while he was shopping, right?

[Cherylyn]

Ask him out.  If he is reluctant to go out with you for a second date, makes excuses or declines, there is your answer. 

He may not be ready for serious dating since he just broke up with his girlfriend a month ago and his 3-year break up ended badly. 

[Alex39]

He isn't right for me right now.

 

I essentially confronted him about making another date.

 

He told me he didn't want to rush it, because being single is new for him and he's adjusting to it, Yada Yada. But he probably will hangout with me again, just not in a rush to do so.

 

I told him that I hope I didn't make him feel rushed. And how I respect how he feels. That I wasn't looking for an instant relationship, but that I was interested in dating, getting to know someone, and seeing where it could go. And how in the next year I do hope to be in a relationship.

 

He says I didn't rush him at all. He said that he likes me and is trying to respect me. How he hasn't been single in a long time and he feels uneasy about it.

 

I then told him that it seems to me that he should take this time alone to himself to figure out what he wants. I told him I want him to be happy, and hopefully I'm still around if he decides what he wants. But that I am looking for someone who is willing to put more effort into going out and getting to know one another on dates. Because texting isn't truly quality time.

 

He then says how he'd be happy to keep talking to me, and maybe hangout again. But how he doesn't want to delay my happiness and I shouldn't wait around for him.

 

I told him I'm open to occasionally talking still, but my goals are the same and I will be chasing my goals.

 

I went online, updated my dating profile. Re-arranged pictures, edited my text.

 

He then proceeded to flirt with me and try to start up some sexy texting. 

 

I stopped him and said that I will not be engaging in such type messages with him, after he expressed he didn't know if he even wanted to go out with me again. He apologized and said he understood.

 

I'm seeking other men online currently. I'll talk to him occasionally, if he asked to go out, I'd go, but I am not settling. I'm not a doormat. And I will not put my life on hold for him. 

[boltnrun]

You did the right thing. He's out to get what he wants and doesn't seem to care about what you want. And to push for sex after what he told you is frankly insulting.

You can do better.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I confronted him about making another date.

"Confronted him for a date"? After one date, if they're not asking you out again , move forward.

In the future don't get this overinvolved and overinvested after one date. 

Meet after a few messages and make it a brief coffee/drink. 

This way you're not acting as if you're in a relationship after one date.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Confronted him for a date"? After one date, if they're not asking you out again , move forward.

In the future don't get this overinvolved and overinvested after one date. 

Meet after a few messages and make it a brief coffee/drink. 

This way you're not acting as if you're in a relationship after one date.

Yes this really struck me.  Never ever try to convince someone or confront someone about spending time with you.  Move on if someone isn't asking you out with head high or doesn't respond enthusiastically.  You really want a date with someone you aggressively confronted? Really? Please don't stay in touch with this person you barely know unless it will be fun for you to see him pursuing other women. 

Because the truth is whether he knows it or not if someone turns his head -if he sparks there's a huge chance he'll all of a sudden be ready -he might not know that now but imagine how you'll feel if you're texting with him one day and the next you see him gushing to you or on social media about some new woman he's clicking with.  Ick right? 

I'm not sure why you felt the need after meeting this person once to share your personal stuff as you did- why is it his business? Why all the explanations? People meet all the time -one wants to go on another date, the other doesn't but is happy to have a new chat buddy.  It's all ok. Just like when I've tried to make new friends - we might meet once for coffee and I'd like to meet again but then she has all sorts of lame excuses but continues to message and text when she feels like it. 

Up to me to simply back away and decide -no I'm looking for a companion to do stuff with in person -i have enough chat buddies.  Not "confront" or share all my dirty laundry about what I want and how I'm feeling.  

Good luck with meeting someone you do click with mutually!

[LootieTootie]

Lesson learned. If they aren't asking you on a second date, just tell them you are not wanting a pen pal or text buddy. You want something substantive. 

I used to do online dating and 80% of the people were with someone or freshly single. It was hard to navigate the dating pool without getting stopped by one of these bozos needing some dopamine fix. 

I would also add that you keep dating and being open to dating other people. Don't narrow it down to one person so fast just on one date.

[reinventmyself]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I stopped him and said that I will not be engaging in such type messages with him, after he expressed he didn't know if he even wanted to go out with me again. He apologized and said he understood.

 

I'm seeking other men online currently. I'll talk to him occasionally, if he asked to go out, I'd go, but I am not settling. I'm not a doormat. And I will not put my life on hold for him. 

Good for you!

[smackie9]

He's over his ex...he just brings it up to keep you are arms length while he dates other women and weighs his options. That's why he still chats with you...he's keeping you on the hook as a place holder. he wasn't excited to see you again after the first date, so yes you are wasting your time. 

[Alex39]

I'm just sad. We've still been talking. I enjoy talking to him a lot. I really want to hangout with him again. But I know he doesn't want to rush and I'm trying to support that. I'm growing frustrated. Texting is growing old. Less to say. Hard to keep up conversation when you don't see each other. 

 

I'm just sad. I want to hug, and kiss, and cuddle, and go out together. Plan fun things and activities together. Just get to know each other more in person. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want to hug, and kiss, and cuddle, and go out together. Plan fun things and activities together. Just get to know each other more in person. 

Then delete and block him and stop wasting time on chitchat wishing and hoping he changes.

 The sooner you get rid of anyone "confused", "stressed", "busy",  "wounded" and other assorted timewasters, the sooner you'll find the things your looking for.

 Dating is not babysitting men who are not interested.

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm just sad. We've still been talking. I enjoy talking to him a lot. I really want to hangout with him again. But I know he doesn't want to rush and I'm trying to support that. I'm growing frustrated. Texting is growing old. Less to say. Hard to keep up conversation when you don't see each other. 

 

I'm just sad. I want to hug, and kiss, and cuddle, and go out together. Plan fun things and activities together. Just get to know each other more in person. 

Continuing to communicate with him is getting you more and more attached to someone who is NOT attached to you. Not in the way you want him to be.

It's going to get more and more difficult to break away if you continue.

It's entirely up to you how long you want to waste your time texting a man who won't date you.