Jump to content

Second date?


Alex39
 Share

Recommended Posts

I know how you feel. Days before turning 30, I thought I was a great catch too but it appears the only person who wanted to date me was this on and off guy who wasnt even Boyfriend/husband material. I had this deep depression that paralyzed me for three days. The worst critics (they would love to call themselves life coaches) were my loved ones... why aren't you with someone? what's wrong with you? you should get back with so and so (even tho all these so and so were no secret, terrible people).

Then when I turned 30, I did a 180. Went to weddings with no date- danced on my own, went to theme parks all over California on my own, went to movies on my own, went hiking on my own, went to shows and booked stays at casinos/hotels - and I remembered people thought I was crazy and I'll never land a man because I was too "flighty." I had loads of fun on my own and of course, it would have been so much more fun if I had someone to share the experience with.

But when you don't have that someone, you gotta make the most of your experience. Because if you don't, you're failing to see your worth too. My advice to you is stopped feeling sorry for yourself, and stop listening to friends you know are giving you bad advice. 

If I had listened to people who I knew were wrong, I would be a different person today and I know 100% I would not be in this loving and healthy relationship I have now with my husband.

When you are single, you need to date you. You treat yourself like you want to be treated and you take care of yourself like you want to be taken care of. You are going to have to find the right you before you find the right guy.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I know how you feel. Days before turning 30, I thought I was a great catch too but it appears the only person who wanted to date me was this on and off guy who wasnt even Boyfriend/husband material. I had this deep depression that paralyzed me for three days. The worst critics (they would love to call themselves life coaches) were my loved ones... why aren't you with someone? what's wrong with you? you should get back with so and so (even tho all these so and so were no secret, terrible people).

Then when I turned 30, I did a 180. Went to weddings with no date- danced on my own, went to theme parks all over California on my own, went to movies on my own, went hiking on my own, went to shows and booked stays at casinos/hotels - and I remembered people thought I was crazy and I'll never land a man because I was too "flighty." I had loads of fun on my own and of course, it would have been so much more fun if I had someone to share the experience with.

But when you don't have that someone, you gotta make the most of your experience. Because if you don't, you're failing to see your worth too. My advice to you is stopped feeling sorry for yourself, and stop listening to friends you know are giving you bad advice. 

If I had listened to people who I knew were wrong, I would be a different person today and I know 100% I would not be in this loving and healthy relationship I have now with my husband.

When you are single, you need to date you. You treat yourself like you want to be treated and you take care of yourself like you want to be taken care of. You are going to have to find the right you before you find the right guy.

I get what you are saying. I am going to challenge myself to do one solo activity a month. Take a craft class, do an exercise class, something by myself. Like I'm sorry to say, but how fun is a casino completely alone? Like no one to laugh with, dance with, gamble with, do dinner with? That can't be fun. I guess hiking could be relaxing. I actually like hiking, but again. No one to talk to. That seems lonely and boring honestly. I do enjoy shopping and I shop quite a bit alone. But again, minimal chances of meeting a guy. 

I'm quite a girly girl too, so a lot if the activities I might try doing are very woman focused. I don't see a lot of men in a yoga or pottery class. 

It's tough. I've been doing the solo thing. I went to 4 weddings last year alone. I had fun. But it got old. It gets old. The last wedding I went to, I was the only one there without a date. All my friends are married. They don't want to do things as much with me. They want to do them with their husband's. I ask. They say no. I feel so alone and out of place amongst my friends. It's so hard. I try to make plans with them. We get together occasionally.  Just not the same. I'm trying to date and meet guys. They aren't doing that and haven't been in a long time. 

They are talking babies. It breaks my heart, I can't talk the same. It hurts. I've been in all of their weddings and have given so much for each one.  By the time I get married, they won't want to be in my wedding or doing anything for me. They are going to be busy mommies. They won't want to do the fun Bachelorette or all the excessive things I did for them. I'm so far behind. 

I just wish I could at least meet someone. I'm in no rush to marry or have babies. I don't feel ready for either right now. But to at least be in a relationship that ends up being long term. Then I wouldn't feel so behind or like I'm losing time. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gosh, I'm even just missing intimacy. I haven't been intimate in 3 years. It's like a slow suffering. Even though my experiences three years ago were less than great. But just even cuddling, kissing, touching a man. And sex of course. But I miss it so much. I want it so bad. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something I do love doing is cooking or baking. Very much a solo activity.  But I find it relaxing and fun. I love creating in that way. And it's inexpensive most times. But then I eat all of what I made, so that not always great either, especially baked goods. So I try not to bake too much, but am so happy and into it when I do. 

 

I like this guy. But I feel I am so much more worthy of  real interaction.  We went out once, but never again. I do not want to be a forever texting buddy. That's not what I had in mind. And every day is sad for me when it doesn't fulfill my need to be with someone in-person. Having that in-person connection. I respect this guy, and I wish I could just be patient and enjoy it, but I can't. It isn't what I want. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do sit at home on my couch with my cat. I feel like such a lazy loser. I guess I just would never think to go to a ball field alone. Avtivities alone scare me. It's unsafe at times for a girl, but also no fun alone 

What's scary? I went to singles resorts -club med - at least 3 times by myself when I was single.  Back then I'd take a charter flight and find a woman on the plane who wanted to share the room (I didn't pay for a single room).  I went to singles events, dances and parties alone.  I would stay a minimum of 45 minutes and talk to 3 people at least -and then tell myself I could leave if needed.  You don't have to do nighttime activities involving alcohol.  How about volunteering backstage at a community theater - I know several couples who met that way.

Dating is hard.  It requires a thick skin.  It requires being proactive especially in your 30s.  It depends how badly you want to go to a wedding in the future and be able to say "oh I wish I could stay for the whole party but my infant just spit up on my silk dress (oh and thanks for including him so we didn't need a sitter!!), and well also it's after 8pm so if Infant falls asleep in the car it's going to be so hard to transition him to the crib -so glad I got to see the ceremony and eat one chicken bite on a skewer my darling husband fed me - sure beats eating a handful of granola in between feedings!!"

See -this can be you!! Don't you want that? Really do you? How badly.  If it's that badly you will stop this pity party (or keep it to five minutes a day -set a timer to call yourself silly names like lazy loser -although it is alliterative, will give ya that - and then live your life and make plans on what you will do each day to advance to your goal -small steps included.  You can do this.

I wanted it so badly.  I did all you say you've done and much much more.  It was so hard. I was so desperately busy at work building my career too -on call basically 24/7 unpredictable hours, all of that.  But I wanted it that badly. More than anything.  And I still feel mostly like I won the lottery.  Even when it's so hard parenting and wife-ing.  It's worth it -at least to me.

Figure out whether it's worth it to you.  If it's not -don't bother dating -it's too hard on balance if you don't really want forever.  If you really want casual dating that's totally fine but I wouldn't pull out all the stops for that -much easier to find a casual date or dates.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

like this guy. But I feel I am so much more worthy of  real interaction.  We went out once, but never again. I do not want to be a forever texting buddy. That's not what I had in mind. And every day is sad for me when it doesn't fulfill my need to be with someone in-person. Having that in-person connection. I respect this guy, and I wish I could just be patient and enjoy it, but I can't. It isn't what I want. 

What is it you like and respect about him? Is he treating you with respect wanting to sext with you knowing you want to see him again? What do you know enough about him that you can express such significant compliments about him?  Stop with the "fulfilling your need" -it's so much simpler. You want an eventual boyfriend.  He doesn't want that.  The end. 

It's not patient to text back and forth.  Patient is if you're serious with someone who let's say is finishing up grad school, or who is working on an intense project at work and can't see you for a week or has to go out of town suddenly when you had plans to do something -you're patient.  Because this person has proven and shown you he's your person.  And when you're committed you show humility and patience as part of being the person's partner.  Patience here isn't patience -it's you being passive and lying to yourself about how "if I just wait he'll see how awesome I am and want to date me."  Really?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do not want to be a forever texting buddy.

Stop texting timewasters. You'll feel better. It's about screening well and not entertaining "stressed", "damaged", "wounded" ,"busy", etc. men.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you think this man is your last and only chance to have a boyfriend?

He has clearly shown he's not on the same page as you. So essentially you are literally wasting your time continuing to attach and reserve yourself for him. 

Sure, cooking and crafts are fun and fulfilling activities. But how many men do you think you'll meet doing those things?

What you've been doing so far isn't getting you what you want. So if you TRULY want to meet the right man you'll have to make changes. 

I went where the men were. I have a legitimate interest in cars, sports and food truck events. So I went to those kind of events. Think of things you enjoy that have a higher likelihood to have men present and go to events. Also, see if your married and partnered friends have brothers, cousins, brother in laws, husband or boyfriend's friends, etc. they can introduce you to.

Change it up to increase your chances of getting what you want, meeting the right man for you.

And address the depression with a professional if needed. No shame in asking for help.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I don't get is why does he keep texting me? We aren't even flirting anymore. It's basically generic "how are you?" All day long. Why why why? 

 

It would be easier for me to walk away if he was absent or uninterested. But he's the one engaging me. I'm so confused by it. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

What I don't get is why does he keep texting me? We aren't even flirting anymore. It's basically generic "how are you?" All day long. Why why why?  

It's your responsibility to not entertain time wasters. Just block him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

27 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

What I don't get is why does he keep texting me? We aren't even flirting anymore. It's basically generic "how are you?" All day long. Why why why? 

 

It would be easier for me to walk away if he was absent or uninterested. But he's the one engaging me. I'm so confused by it. 

Would knowing "why" change anything?

You seem to be hiding behind this time wasting man. Attaching yourself to him means you don't have to get out there to search for what you really want. You can tell yourself "if I keep investing, someday he's going to become my boyfriend". But this is a false narrative. It's a narrative that could very well end up hurting you much worse down the line. You will feel silly for keeping yourself attached to someone who isn't going to be who you want him to be.

You are free to detach yourself today if you want to. You don't have to wait for him to tell you "why" he keeps sending you inane texts. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

43 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Would knowing "why" change anything?

You seem to be hiding behind this time wasting man. Attaching yourself to him means you don't have to get out there to search for what you really want. You can tell yourself "if I keep investing, someday he's going to become my boyfriend". But this is a false narrative. It's a narrative that could very well end up hurting you much worse down the line. You will feel silly for keeping yourself attached to someone who isn't going to be who you want him to be.

You are free to detach yourself today if you want to. You don't have to wait for him to tell you "why" he keeps sending you inane texts. 

I'm going to detach today. I can't keep having hope. It's hurting me. I feel ridiculous. 

My mother keeps saying that it's my own fault. For letting myself become invested and hoping.  She thinks I should keep chatting and be fine with what it is, and if it turns into more it'll be a welcome surprise. 

But I'm unhappy. I want to date and do things together. This isn't that. I'm going to pull back on the texting immensely. I'll sporadically answer a hey how you doing? But that's it. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My mother keeps saying that it's my own fault. For letting myself become invested and hoping. 

She's correct. Go out and have fun for your birthday with friends, family, coworkers, etc.

However, address the depression and withdrawal just sitting on the sofa, etc. Get an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health. For example, what if your inertia and lassitude is due to endocrine or mental health issues that could be treated?

Your real question is not 'why is he texting?', it's why is he not into me. He already answered that because he just broke up with someone.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. When you are this withdrawn an

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

It would be easier for me to walk away if he was absent or uninterested. But he's the one engaging me. I'm so confused by it. 

Alex,

I think it is time to stop asking yourself, why HE is doing certain things. It is time to ask yourself why YOU give him the power and the control to keep stirring you up.

It does not matter why he keeps texting you. Perhaps he likes the physical feeling of his fingers touching his smartphone. Perhaps he is doing a challenge with a friend, who can type the most texts per day. And? Does that make you feel better?

If you block him, you would not even receive his messages and you would not need to wonder why he sends them. Set yourself free from him.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

What I don't get is why does he keep texting me? We aren't even flirting anymore. It's basically generic "how are you?" All day long. Why why why? 

 

It would be easier for me to walk away if he was absent or uninterested. But he's the one engaging me. I'm so confused by it. 

He is uninterested in dating you.  Who cares why he is texting you -we already explained -cause it's easy and it boosts his ego because you're so into him.  Or maybe he's just bored. Why do you care why someone you met once is trying to contact you?

As you know sometimes we have to do what's not easy -what's very hard!  -to do the right thing for ourselves and others.

Edited by Batya33
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you love cooking or baking, take up cooking classes or attend a cooking event. Years ago, when I was still with my last employer, we were invited by an advisory firm that worked for the company, to a cooking event. We prepared our own 3 course meal under guidance of a chef, and we ate it later all together. I enjoyed that very much, better than a classic dinner.

I have done many hiking vacations with backpack alone. I always make sure I plan my trip, book all the hotels / B&Bs in advance, to make sure I have a bed for the night. I have had nice encounters with people during my hiking trips. I generally find that people talk much easier to people who are alone than couples. They are curious why someone travels alone and there you go, you have the start of a conversation. I have had dinners and breakfasts together with other people who also were on a hiking trip. But I also go and have dinner alone. I find it so sad to read that you think that doing things alone is no fun. Why is that?

17 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Avtivities alone scare me. It's unsafe at times for a girl,

But you go to the house of a guy you just met online? How safe is that?

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

If you love cooking or baking, take up cooking classes or attend a cooking event. Years ago, when I was still with my last employer, we were invited by an advisory firm that worked for the company, to a cooking event. We prepared our own 3 course meal under guidance of a chef, and we ate it later all together. I enjoyed that very much, better than a classic dinner.

I have done many hiking vacations with backpack alone. I always make sure I plan my trip, book all the hotels / B&Bs in advance, to make sure I have a bed for the night. I have had nice encounters with people during my hiking trips. I generally find that people talk much easier to people who are alone than couples. They are curious why someone travels alone and there you go, you have the start of a conversation. I have had dinners and breakfasts together with other people who also were on a hiking trip. But I also go and have dinner alone. I find it so sad to read that you think that doing things alone is no fun. Why is that?

But you go to the house of a guy you just met online? How safe is that?

 

I think I don't like doing things alone because 1. I find it boring. I like to talk and engage with someone I'm with. I don't have as much motivation. Like let's go walk alone in silence for hours? That just doesn't appeal to me 2. I'm alone with my thoughts. I do sometimes love to be alone. Do my own thing, etc. But being alone with my thoughts sometimes can be negative for me. Thinking about my life, deep thoughts, regrets, plans. You have nothing else to do alone but think to yourself. 3. It's a nasty reminder that you are lonely, alone, and seeing others with each other is a nasty reminder that I haven't found love or companionship.  

 

That's just how I personally feel. I've always been this way. Don't get me wrong, I can be fun, adventurous,  and willing to travel and do things. I long for it. But I find it hard. I'm a bit of a passive person, so even having another person there helps me go for things more and be more outgoing, because I'm not in it alone. I can be really outgoing, if I try and push myself and usually it's more fun that way. Guess I always thought I'd have a guy in my life making decisions with me. Sharing our lives. My friends forget. Every decision I'm in it alone. I don't have a guy supporting me, helping me, loving me, splitting income.  My house, all on me. I'd love a guy around, but I do it all. My car, if I breakdown I have no one. My married friend broke down, and her husband drove her to work, picked her up. I don't have that luxury. Vacations, I cant split the cost or plan it with anyone. I rely on my family a lot in this sense. I go everything alone. For once, it'd be nice to have some support. And just love. I want love in my life. I have lots of heart to give. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can discredit everyone's suggestions all you wish but you are creating your own prison with your own refusal to change and do anything about your situation. 

Men are not attracted to extremely negative women who sit on the sofa with their cat all the time feeling sorry for themselves, yet won't get help for their mental or physical health.

 And you claim "it's unsafe for women"? Yet run to some guy's home you never met before? When you're your own worst enemy only you can help yourself out of that.

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just for your info, I am 53 and I live alone, no husband, no boyfriend, no kids and also not looking for a relationship. I have had 2 long-term relationships and I am single now for more than 10 years, and having had both life styles for a long time, I personally actually feel better when I am not in a relationship. And I realise, that I may be an exception since most people prefer to be in a relationship.

I find walking alone with a heavy backpack very therapeutic. For me it is a form of meditation. In the beginning you think about a lot of things, everything is crossing your mind. And you keep on walking and keep on thinking and keep on walking…….until all of a sudden you realise, hey, I did not have a thought for 15 minutes!

Going to a museum? Please let me do that alone. I hate nothing more than going with a partner who does not really like a museum, and then you end up rushing through the rooms and in the end you have seen nothing.

Is it ALWAYS fun to be alone? No, it is not and I have no problem admitting that. But then I can say the same for a relationship. Is it ALWAYS fun to be in a relationship? Dealing with a broken car, with a house, taking decisions, yes that is all on me, I do it all alone, but I accept that that is the way it is and I don’t feel sorry for myself. So I know what it is to be alone and I can relate to you that it is not always easy and your wish to be in a relationship is more than valid.

33 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm a bit of a passive person

And I think that is the heart of the problem and I would advise you to work on that. Because if you don't change anything, nothing will change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Are you enjoying your life the way it is right now? Well, you're going to likely live for another 45 to 55 years. If another 50 years of having your life be EXACTLY AS IT IS RIGHT NOW is what you truly desire, then don't do anything. Remain passive and watch life pass you by. 

But if that's unacceptable to you, you must make changes.

A man is not going to knock on your door asking to be your boyfriend. If you want a partner you have to go out and find one. But I can guarantee you will never find one doing what you're doing right now, which is nothing.

If you change nothing, nothing changes.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I want to change. I'm trying to change. I'm giving up on this guy. 

 

I want a long term relationship,  marriage, children.  I want it bad. And now turning 30, my clock is ticking. 

 

I am trying to get myself out there. Back in shape, enjoying my life. I don't enjoy sitting on the couch every night. Only very rarely when I am tired from a tough day. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to meet men. This guy isn't offering what I want. 

 

You are all right that he has to go. 

 

I hold onto people way too long who don't help my life. I let them bring me down. I accept what I don't want as means of being agreeable. I was raised this way. I am taking huge strides to do what I want. To get what I want. 

I'm made huge strides with my therapist recently. I used to be a huge pushover when it comes to my family. Agreeable. A doormat. Now I do what is best for me. I need to be that way in all areas of my life. It's crucial. 

 

I need to not give up. I need to find a man who wants what I want. I can't keep wasting my efforts on a texting Guru, who offers me a maybe in life. I don't want to hope. I appreciate all of the advice here. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want to change. I'm trying to change. I'm giving up on this guy. 

 

I want a long term relationship,  marriage, children.  I want it bad. And now turning 30, my clock is ticking. 

 

I am trying to get myself out there. Back in shape, enjoying my life. I don't enjoy sitting on the couch every night. Only very rarely when I am tired from a tough day. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to meet men. This guy isn't offering what I want. 

 

You are all right that he has to go. 

 

I hold onto people way too long who don't help my life. I let them bring me down. I accept what I don't want as means of being agreeable. I was raised this way. I am taking huge strides to do what I want. To get what I want. 

I'm made huge strides with my therapist recently. I used to be a huge pushover when it comes to my family. Agreeable. A doormat. Now I do what is best for me. I need to be that way in all areas of my life. It's crucial. 

 

I need to not give up. I need to find a man who wants what I want. I can't keep wasting my efforts on a texting Guru, who offers me a maybe in life. I don't want to hope. I appreciate all of the advice here. 

Have you blocked and deleted his contact? Don’t be afraid. Just do what needs to be done and continue healing and fill your life up with joys.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I am trying to get myself out there.

Well, as Yoda says "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'".

Next time there's an interesting event or class, instead of talking yourself out of going and sitting on your couch instead, prepare to go. Tell that negative voice in your head "NO!" when it tells you you're afraid, or there won't be anyone interesting there, or you'll be wasting your time, or that it's "dangerous" or that you'll just feel lonely and weird. So what? The worst thing that would happen is you'd be in the same place you are now. But as they say, practice makes perfect. And who knows, you might have fun!

I had men approach me when I went to car shows alone. Apparently it's unusual for single women to go to car shows by themselves. But I love cars and I thought it would be stupid for me to miss out on a car show just because I don't have a boyfriend. I mean, that's ridiculous, isn't it? So I went and had a great time and talked to a lot of people including single men. I was a novelty to these single men. They were curious as to my presence, so they asked friendly questions. And I had a blast. I go every year now (well, except for the past two years but we all know why). I'm going this year for sure.

So tell that negative voice to take a hike. You're going and that's it. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Side note, do not go anywhere that you don't have a legitimate interest in. Going somewhere you'll hate just to try to find men would actually be agonizing. Don't put yourself through that.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...