Second date?

[Alex39]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I work out daily.  To do that I make sure my workout clothes are ready (for the morning when I work out), water bottle filled and ready, sneakers and bag by the door. I do a no excuses type set up so I am on autopilot.  That might help you, too.

Yes, that's something I've struggled with in the past. I do not prepare. I notice when I do prepare for my day ahead, I'm more productive, happy, and I do what I set out to do. 

 

When I put the effort in to organize stuff, keep my house clean, I can way better be on a good track myself. 

[boltnrun]

I go on walks after work.  I won't go before work because I sign on so early, plus it's cold in the morning.  And in order to do the hour walks I want to do I'd have to be up at 5:00 AM.  That's a hell no. But when I go after work there's no prep.  I grab my shoes, my small backpack, throw my phone, mask and debit card in (just in case I decide to stop in a shop while I'm out), my keys and head out the door.  I'm already dressed so no need to worry about that.  I can choose to walk close to my apartment or I can get in my car and drive to a different neighborhood so I can see different things.  With it staying light out later and later this works out even better.

If preparing ahead of time makes it easier for you to get your workout in, just make that part of your "before bed" routine.

So what did you end up doing this weekend?  If you say you sat on your couch with your cat I'm going to throw a water balloon at you! (Kidding...sort of)

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Yes, that's something I've struggled with in the past. I do not prepare. I notice when I do prepare for my day ahead, I'm more productive, happy, and I do what I set out to do. 

 

When I put the effort in to organize stuff, keep my house clean, I can way better be on a good track myself. 

I have an organized to do list including reminders on my phone, sometimes in writing (I try to shut off my phone not too long after dinner, so any other reminders need to be old school written down), but with workouts -which I love -but there's always the risk to be tempted not to - I need to be on autopilot especially at 5am which is when I do so now (used to be 6am during covid as I had to be outdoors to power walk -no safe gym space)- because I don't want to have to think at all where my stuff is.  And my husband and son are sleeping so I have to slip out quite as a mouse.

Keeping things in order really helps me too. It's good you know that about yourself!  I also have -as a last resort -a great DVD/now loaded on her app -Leslie Sansome Walk at Home -I use weights the entire time -a resistance band -and mostly run instead of walk. I've been working out regularly since 1982 and I'm now 55.

[Alex39]

You guys were all right. So I felt bad the guy had surgery. But now he's texting me about his fun weekend plans this upcoming weekend.  His guy friend and his wife are coming to town and they are spending a fun weekend together. No plans with me. Nothing. 

 

I was stupid and held out hope that he'd want to see me again once he was fully healed from his procedure. That's clearly not the case. 

 

I'm so so done with him. I'm so disappointed. 

[Rose Mosse]

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

You guys were all right. So I felt bad the guy had surgery. But now he's texting me about his fun weekend plans this upcoming weekend.  His guy friend and his wife are coming to town and they are spending a fun weekend together. No plans with me. Nothing. 

 

I was stupid and held out hope that he'd want to see me again once he was fully healed from his procedure. That's clearly not the case. 

 

I'm so so done with him. I'm so disappointed. 

One more step further from this man. Keep moving forwards and leave him behind.

[Blue_Skirt]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

But now he's texting me about his fun weekend plans this upcoming weekend.

Well, if you would have blocked/deleted him, you would not have received that message, you would  have never known what he is up to, and thus you would not be disappointed.

So for tomorrow, there is 1 thing and 1 thing only on your to do list and that is block Mr. Surgery. You have the whole day tomorrow to do that 1 task. If you do things on your to do list first thing in the morning, then the rest of the day is all yours!

Better though, do it right now and you’ll have a good night sleep tonight as well. Set yourself free girl, you can do that!

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm so so done with him. I'm so disappointed

I hope you mean it this time. You've said before you're going to stop but for some reason you find this man so very compelling and alluring.

Did you end up doing anything fun last weekend? Or did you just sit at home on the couch with your cat?

I know I'm being rough on you. But I don't know what works to get you to realize this man will not ask you out on a date. He sees you as someone he can get easy attention from and who he can maybe convince to send racy pics or sext, but not as someone he wants to date.

But that being said, he's not good enough for you! Remind yourself of that. He is wrong for you. He's not good enough for you. He does not meet your qualifications for a man you want to date and have a relationship with.

Please end this pointless texting and move forward with your life. Remember, YOU hold the keys to your happiness, not some dude you went on one measly date with.

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

You guys were all right. So I felt bad the guy had surgery. But now he's texting me about his fun weekend plans this upcoming weekend.  His guy friend and his wife are coming to town and they are spending a fun weekend together. No plans with me. Nothing. 

 

I was stupid and held out hope that he'd want to see me again once he was fully healed from his procedure. That's clearly not the case. 

 

I'm so so done with him. I'm so disappointed. 

I don't relate to disappointed? He never said he wanted to date you.  You made up stuff in your own head but that has nothing to do with him -so you're disappointed that your fantasy of "when he's better he'll change his mind and ask me out" didn't pan out? Are you disappointed in yourself?

I don't think you stayed in touch with him because you felt sorry for him.  Mainly it was to inject yourself into his life when he was vulnerable hoping he'd then ask out his "nurse" for being such a nice nurse/mom to him when he had a boo boo.  He knows that too.  Please stop telling yourself you do things like this because you're sooooo nice. A small part of it is 'nice". Mostly it's for ulterior motives that have nothing to do with dating -just have to do with chasing unavailable guys. 

You're not stupid.  You simply have chosen not to treat yourself with respect and honesty.  You can make a different choice.  

[Blue_Skirt]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I know I'm being rough on you.

I have the feeling that this is exactly what Alex needs, and she keeps coming back with updates, so that’s a good thing.

[Alex39]

I finally ended the nonstop texting. 

It was my birthday. He and I had talked about it many times previously.  He never wished me happy birthday all day. I wasn't expecting much, but just a text. He kept texting me about my day and about regular things. It was so rude to me so I ignored him all day. 

Finally at night I answered him. He said he was worried when he wasn't hearing from me. I told him he was a terrible "friend"

He was confused. I told him it was my birthday. He was like Oh gosh, and he apologized and said he thought it was later in the week. He said he always strives to remember those things and was mad he didn't. Last week he even asked me the day. So he knew. 

To me, I meant so little to him. He didn't write it down. He didn't care. 

I was blunt and told him I was done with endless texting. 

He fires back saying how he told he he will probably want to hangout again and he at least was trying to be my friend. He then guilted me by saying how if I didn't want to be his friend or chat with him anymore that's on me. 

I apologized for being harsh with him. 

I then told him how things were from my perspective. I was completely honest. How we got along so well, had so much in common, and went on a good date. That I was excited to go on more dates with him. And how, when he didn't want to right away, it was clear he wasn't interested. But that his constant texting confused me. Then I told him that when he threw out the friends thing, I figured his interested level was at a zero. I told him that I wasn't looking for a friend. I don't kiss my friends and that I cannot just ever be his friend. 

He reiterated that he's only open to random hangouts, nothing serious right now. 

I said bluntly, that it's very clear we are in different places, wanting different things. That I am looking to invest in someone and I don't want to be disappointed talking to someone constantly hoping for more. 

I then told him I think it time we end all the talking. 

He said okay, and he apologized saying he didn't realize that being friends was making me so unhappy. And that he never intended to hurt my feelings. 

So the texting Guru is gone. I finally broke free. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

He reiterated that he's only open to random hangouts, nothing serious right now. 

Happy Birthday. It's over when you delete and block him so you can move forward in peace.

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Happy Birthday. It's over when you delete and block him so you can move forward in peace.

Happy Birthday!  Why would someone you met on one date need to wish you Happy Birthday? You barely know each other? Also people treat birthdays differently.  I am treating a certain friend's upcoming birthday differently than her spouse has asked me (and others) to.  Because she's been in little touch with me over the past few years and her spouse emailed all her friends asking to make happy birthday videos for her in honor of her birthday.  I'm not comfortable doing that.  I'm not going to make it a priority or get over my discomfort.  I will wish her happy birthday because I've known her since 2008. 

Example given because people have varying reactions to birthdays.  I think he doesn't want to because that could give you the impression he's interested in dating you which he is not.  I could see where he wants to avoid any impression of that given how clear you've made your interest in dating him.  I hope you stop any interaction with this person.  Please move on for your own sake and happy birthday!!

[Rose Mosse]

46 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I finally ended the nonstop texting. 

It was my birthday. He and I had talked about it many times previously.  He never wished me happy birthday all day. I wasn't expecting much, but just a text. He kept texting me about my day and about regular things. It was so rude to me so I ignored him all day. 

Finally at night I answered him. He said he was worried when he wasn't hearing from me. I told him he was a terrible "friend"

He was confused. I told him it was my birthday. He was like Oh gosh, and he apologized and said he thought it was later in the week. He said he always strives to remember those things and was mad he didn't. Last week he even asked me the day. So he knew. 

To me, I meant so little to him. He didn't write it down. He didn't care. 

I was blunt and told him I was done with endless texting. 

He fires back saying how he told he he will probably want to hangout again and he at least was trying to be my friend. He then guilted me by saying how if I didn't want to be his friend or chat with him anymore that's on me. 

I apologized for being harsh with him. 

I then told him how things were from my perspective. I was completely honest. How we got along so well, had so much in common, and went on a good date. That I was excited to go on more dates with him. And how, when he didn't want to right away, it was clear he wasn't interested. But that his constant texting confused me. Then I told him that when he threw out the friends thing, I figured his interested level was at a zero. I told him that I wasn't looking for a friend. I don't kiss my friends and that I cannot just ever be his friend. 

He reiterated that he's only open to random hangouts, nothing serious right now. 

I said bluntly, that it's very clear we are in different places, wanting different things. That I am looking to invest in someone and I don't want to be disappointed talking to someone constantly hoping for more. 

I then told him I think it time we end all the talking. 

He said okay, and he apologized saying he didn't realize that being friends was making me so unhappy. And that he never intended to hurt my feelings. 

So the texting Guru is gone. I finally broke free. 

Happy birthday 🎂 

I’m glad he’s gone and you’ve been honest about how you feel. Move forwards.

[Alex39]

No more contact. I dis-added him on the dating app. It's all over. I'm bummed but also feel relief

[boltnrun]

I hope you really, really mean it this time. I think this is the third or fourth time you've said you're done texting with him, then you continue and are disappointed yet again.

When are you going to actually stop? When are you going to block him? How long will you keep allowing him to contact you and how long will you keep responding? Six months? A year? 

And it's pointless to keep telling him how much he's hurting you, when YOU are the one hurting you by continuing to "hope" he wants to date you, when he's made it crystal clear he does not.

I don't know how long you've been dragging this out, but by doing so you have missed out on who knows how many chances to meet a man who actually does want to date you.

I've asked a couple of times if you did anything fun last weekend but I presume by not answering it means you didn't do anything. So, there's a weekend coming up. Instead of wasting time texting with this guy or sitting on your couch with your cat, how about planning something fun like going to a farmers market, wine tasting or going to a food truck event? Something that will get you out among people and will give you a chance to socialize. Who knows, you might have a great time. I hope you do.

[Blue_Skirt]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I dis-added him on the dating app.

Happy  birthday Alex!

Can he only contact you through this dating app, or does he have your cell phone number? If yes, give yourself a birthday gift and delete/block him on your cell phone as well.

Also, as last week, the weekend is coming up. What are your plans for the weekend?

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I hope you really, really mean it this time. I think this is the third or fourth time you've said you're done texting with him, then you continue and are disappointed yet again.

When are you going to actually stop? When are you going to block him? How long will you keep allowing him to contact you and how long will you keep responding? Six months? A year? 

And it's pointless to keep telling him how much he's hurting you, when YOU are the one hurting you by continuing to "hope" he wants to date you, when he's made it crystal clear he does not.

I don't know how long you've been dragging this out, but by doing so you have missed out on who knows how many chances to meet a man who actually does want to date you.

I've asked a couple of times if you did anything fun last weekend but I presume by not answering it means you didn't do anything. So, there's a weekend coming up. Instead of wasting time texting with this guy or sitting on your couch with your cat, how about planning something fun like going to a farmers market, wine tasting or going to a food truck event? Something that will get you out among people and will give you a chance to socialize. Who knows, you might have a great time. I hope you do.

I didn't do much last weekend because I had to work. I usually don't work so this is a one time thing. 

 

This weekend I have fun plans. 

He hasn't messaged me all day. 

I feel sad. I keep looking hoping to see his name. That maybe he'd chase me. I know it's stupid. 

I feel safe, but I know what I did was right. He wasn't offering me anything of substance. I wasn't looking for an instant relationship,  but at least dating and hanging out seeing if it could be something . 

 

I feel a bit bad. Like maybe I didn't give him a chance. He's been ill for the last 10 days and had surgery in the middle of that. Maybe I wasn't patient enough. I keep questioning myself. I didn't realize how sick he was. He kept saying last night, how "I told youI wanted to hangout again, as soon as I'm done and feeling 100% good again"

 

So now I'm like, was I too hasty. Did I not give him enough of a chance? 

 

Maybe the illness was worse than I thought. 

 

I'm just feeling so out of sorts about this. ButI refuse to text him. 

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

Happy  birthday Alex!

Can he only contact you through this dating app, or does he have your cell phone number? If yes, give yourself a birthday gift and delete/block him on your cell phone as well.

Also, as last week, the weekend is coming up. What are your plans for the weekend?

He has my number. He can contact me through phone. I just got rid of him on the dating app, I deleted the dating app. 

[Andrina]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I feel a bit bad. Like maybe I didn't give him a chance. He's been ill for the last 10 days and had surgery in the middle of that. Maybe I wasn't patient enough. I keep questioning myself. I didn't realize how sick he was. He kept saying last night, how "I told youI wanted to hangout again, as soon as I'm done and feeling 100% good again"

 

So now I'm like, was I too hasty. Did I not give him enough of a chance? 

 

Maybe the illness was worse than I thought. 

 

I'm just feeling so out of sorts about this. ButI refuse to text him. 

You're oh, so close in doing what's best for yourself, but you're still not doing enough until you block his number.

If a guy was really into you, he wouldn't have phrased it as "hanging out." And he was well enough to entertain out of town friends last weekend. He would have said, "I couldn't wait to ask you on another date after our first meet. So if you could understand I had surgery and as soon as I'm well, I want to take you to this really nice restaurant I love. I'm sorry this has to be delayed because I'm excited to see you again."

You're really grasping for straws here, and have been tricked into thinking this is so much more than it is because of the regular attention of mere, and lame, texting.

Believe me, I know what unsuccessful dating attempts are like, because I lived through those periods myself. I can also tell you what a successful dating experience looks that ended in marriage a few years later: After our first meet, my future husband asked me out for the very next day. During our first few months together, he bought me a plush toy tiger, bought me roses, bought me a romantic card. He called me once every night and I received a few texts in the day. He asked me out 2 or 3 times a week. Clearcut and wonderful.

Hold out for that kind of guy!!!

You're worthy of that and anyone who isn't CRYSTAL CLEAR that he wants to be in your life ROMANTICALLY doesn't deserve extra time to show this for any circumstances, nor not one more second of your time. Shut the damn door for once and for all!

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I didn't do much last weekend because I had to work. I usually don't work so this is a one time thing. 

 

This weekend I have fun plans. 

He hasn't messaged me all day. 

I feel sad. I keep looking hoping to see his name. That maybe he'd chase me. I know it's stupid. 

I feel safe, but I know what I did was right. He wasn't offering me anything of substance. I wasn't looking for an instant relationship,  but at least dating and hanging out seeing if it could be something . 

 

I feel a bit bad. Like maybe I didn't give him a chance. He's been ill for the last 10 days and had surgery in the middle of that. Maybe I wasn't patient enough. I keep questioning myself. I didn't realize how sick he was. He kept saying last night, how "I told youI wanted to hangout again, as soon as I'm done and feeling 100% good again"

 

So now I'm like, was I too hasty. Did I not give him enough of a chance? 

 

Maybe the illness was worse than I thought. 

 

I'm just feeling so out of sorts about this. ButI refuse to text him. 

As long as you keep putting yourself through this you will never, ever find a man who truly wants to date you.

Do you think this man is your very last chance to get a boyfriend?

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He has my number. He can contact me through phone. I just got rid of him on the dating app, I deleted the dating app. 

But why? You can meet others on the dating app. The thing to delete would be this man’s contact.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He has my number. He can contact me through phone. I just got rid of him on the dating app, I deleted the dating app. 

Take this time to get a good pic and profile on some quality apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee.

Just slow it down, no in-house first dates, no insta-relationship after one date, no penpals, timewasters, "wounded", "stressed" or "busy" guys, etc. Screen better this time.

 You need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps, not just delete whatever dating app. Was it Tinder or another low effort/hookup sort of app?

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

You're oh, so close in doing what's best for yourself, but you're still not doing enough until you block his number.

If a guy was really into you, he wouldn't have phrased it as "hanging out." And he was well enough to entertain out of town friends last weekend. He would have said, "I couldn't wait to ask you on another date after our first meet. So if you could understand I had surgery and as soon as I'm well, I want to take you to this really nice restaurant I love. I'm sorry this has to be delayed because I'm excited to see you again."

You're really grasping for straws here, and have been tricked into thinking this is so much more than it is because of the regular attention of mere, and lame, texting.

Believe me, I know what unsuccessful dating attempts are like, because I lived through those periods myself. I can also tell you what a successful dating experience looks that ended in marriage a few years later: After our first meet, my future husband asked me out for the very next day. During our first few months together, he bought me a plush toy tiger, bought me roses, bought me a romantic card. He called me once every night and I received a few texts in the day. He asked me out 2 or 3 times a week. Clearcut and wonderful.

Hold out for that kind of guy!!!

You're worthy of that and anyone who isn't CRYSTAL CLEAR that he wants to be in your life ROMANTICALLY doesn't deserve extra time to show this for any circumstances, nor not one more second of your time. Shut the damn door for once and for all!

Thank you. Deep down I know this is true. 

I felt that too. Hanging out isn't official. He kept saying, hanging out again at some point. He could have easily said, as soon as I'm better we will do something. He did not. He made other plans with friends, not asking me to do a thing. No plans. Just a hope for them. 

No effort. None at all. Just when he feels like it. 

 

I want someone to want to regularly. Not just casually. I want someone who can't wait to see me,like you said. Someone who wants to dare. 

[Rose Mosse]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Take this time to get a good pic and profile on some quality apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee.

Just slow it down, no in-house first dates, no insta-relationship after one date, no penpals, timewasters, "wounded", "stressed" or "busy" guys, etc. Screen better this time.

 You need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps, not just delete whatever dating app. Was it Tinder or another low effort/hookup sort of app?

I think this ought to be pinned somewhere. Like a warning sign on the beach to be careful of the rocks, strong currents and sharks. I couldn’t agree more. 

[waffle]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

So now I'm like, was I too hasty. Did I not give him enough of a chance? 

 

A chance at what?  He was only open to--at most--hanging out on a casual basis (yet made no moves to do that), and you are at the point where you want a relationship in your life, so I'll ask again . . . what were you going to give him a chance at?

I think you did the right thing by having this discussion with him, and telling him See Ya.  Now you know.  Six months from now you won't even remember his name.