Second date?

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I need to find a man who wants what I want. I can't keep wasting my efforts on a texting Guru, who offers me a maybe in life. I don't want to hope. I appreciate all of the advice here. 

Love this phrase.😆 Going to borrow it.

Yes, change your man-plan and just enjoy your Bday.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Every decision I'm in it alone. I don't have a guy supporting me, helping me, loving me, splitting income.  My house, all on me. I'd love a guy around, but I do it all. My car, if I breakdown I have no one. My married friend broke down, and her husband drove her to work, picked her up. I don't have that luxury. Vacations, I cant split the cost or plan it with anyone. I rely on my family a lot in this sense. I go everything alone. For once, it'd be nice to have some support. And just love. I want love in my life. I have lots of heart to give. 

Guess what.  Very very often even if you are married to an amazing person you are alone.  You still have to make hard decisions about yourself on your own -yes even if your partner gives you helpful input.  You still have to be able to support yourself on your own because your partner could lose his job, get sick heaven forbid.  One of my friends has 3 kids under 10.  Her husband now has  terminal cancer and was the main breadwinner, now on disability.  She had to mostly quit her job to care for him.  They're in their 40s.  You still can't passively depend on your partner -I mean you can but it's not a good look.

I labored -my one and only time being pregnant-for 24 hours alone.  My husband was 800 miles away and I was 9 days early.  I did it.  My mom came to take me to the hospital. Husband arrived after my epidural.  I solo parented a great deal the first 7 years of my son's life and our marriage.  My husband had to travel for work and to care for his aging parents. I lived in a new city, no family available to help.  I had to do so when I was sick, exhausted, when my son was really sick too.  I had to show grit, be resilient - I could not lean on my partner -he needed me to be strong. I was.  It was hard.  No regrets.

Please stop with the nonsensical comparisons. It's easier to be married in traditional society. It's silly, the assumption that married people are more adult - it's not true- but it makes it easier to move through life. So what.  Some people do have perfect lives. They have it easier than you, easier than me.  Ok.  Newsflash -life isn't fair.  Accept that and move on. 

Most people though may seem to have perfect lives (yes especially on social media) and they so do not.  I don't like going down that path of comparing "well I'm FREE because I'm single and I don't have to deal with [list the silly cliches -my husband's nose hair clippings/that I can't eat frosted flakes for dinner/that I can't come and go as I please]. It's not true to me at least.  I feel a lot freer being married.  And with all this -comparison is really unhealthful for you -get busy with productive stuff so you're not as tempted to indulge in comparisons and pity parties, K?

As far as walking alone -I get on the treadmill and power walk every day alone.  But I'm not alone -I have my headphones in and listen to podcasts or watch TV -I don't call someone because they'd think I wanted to hook up with them from the heavy breathing lol.  

It's fine to prefer someone's company.  Getting married does very often mean you'll have your person around to interact with but it depends.  And if it's the wrong person wow it's awful -so much better to be alone (from what I hear).  

[Blue_Skirt]

Alex,

Have you deleted/blocked the texting Guru as you call him and what are your plans for the upcoming weekend? Any events going on in your area that you are going to attend?

[reinventmyself]

It's been some time since I met someone online.  But towards the end I found that there were more men looking for electronic entertainment than those who were really interested in meeting someone.  I learned to suss out time wasters quickly and move on.

There is no motivation for him to meet you if you continue to engage him on his terms.  You need to step back and write down your own expectations, what you ultimately want out of life and create some boundaries.   This clearly is not meeting your needs and to continue to engage someone who reinforces the very thing that makes you unhappy will further drag you down.  You too won't be motivated to do the work and pull yourself up.

Yes, when you are low it's hard to motivate yourself to make changes.  But it's working on those changes and putting one foot in front of the other that builds self- esteem.  There are no shortcuts.  And you won't find happiness letting him waste anymore of your time.

Tell him to call you if he ever wants to meet up.  But until then you need to get busy creating a fabulous life for yourself.  It is up to you.

[Alex39]

So an update. So I ignored him for a day. He then let me know he had to have surgery. Nice me, felt bad, so I messaged him back. When we first started talking, weeks and weeks ago, he let me know he was struggling with kidney stones. He'd be in a lot of pain, then it'd go away for days, then come back. His doctor was hoping they'd pass. But he kept getting sick off and on. 

Finally they decided to do surgery. Again, I sort of felt bad, so I stuck by for it. Thinking, maybe this is why he hasn't wanted to hangout. He was drinking and drinking, using the bathroom, in pain, sweating, etc... 

The night we had our date he had been feeling good for a few days, then it all came back days later. 

He had the surgery. He has a week and a half recovery. Have to let any leftover stone come out in that time. It's painful. 

He continued texting his usual. Asking me about my day over and over all day and night. He asks for details too. He genuinely seemed interested in my life.

So I straight up asked him, why he shows interest in what I'm doing, when he doesn't want to date, hangout, or be in a relationship. 

His response...

I like talking to you and find you to be a genuine person. I am not looking for much now, but at a minimum I do want to be your friend, and a good friend asks how you are. Sorry if that's a bad answer. 

 

So I respond, that I am a genuine person. That I have a lot of good friends and normally love adding more friends, but currently wasn't out there looking for friends,  as I was on a dating all, well dating is in the name. 

He responds...

I'm trying to be honest. I liked hanging out with you and may want to do that again. Trying to be direct with you. I'm in a rough spot right now, so hopefully in a week or two I'll be back to my normal self. 

I then respond that I wish him an easy recovery. And that if he would like to hangout or go do something together in the future, that he can give me a call. 

He responds 

So you don't want me to text you anymore? 

He seems shocked by this. 

 

I respond that...

I do understand that you are recovering from this ailment and it takes a bit of time. I just want to be clear, that I am not looking for a friend, and months and months of just texting is not something I want. That's just where I'm at in my life. So if you want to keep texting me, you can. 

 

He then says that he understands that. 

And then the texting started again. 

 

I feel like did I get friendzoned? Did he say this was only because of his sickness and surgery? I'm very confused. 

At this time I actually deleted my dating app. Haven't had one ounce of luck on there. I fully plan on going out and doing activities in the hopes that I meet someone in person. I think I can. I have hope. Do I think this will pan out with this guy? No. 

[Alex39]

Oh and I don't plan on texting and texting him. 

 

Maybe I'll answer once every few days. But I am going off and living my life. He isn't offering me anything. 

[Rose Mosse]

The last part where you said this might have been confusing as it contradicts everything before it: “…So if you want to keep texting me, you can.”

I know you’re in a tough spot and have compassion for him because he’s recovering but it’s best to let this fade out. When you’re ready just block him. He seems very dense and entitled regardless of his health.

[Batya33]

I like your response other than your equivocation about continuing to give him the privilege of being in touch with you.
I wrote similar responses but much earlier on as I had zero time to be a chat buddy and had to focus my sparse free time on finding a good spouse. Now you have to act consistently with your response and end all contact. You weren’t friend zoned. This is a person you don’t know who didn’t want another date. He never was a friend and you were not his friend as you wanted to date him not be his platonic friend. You’re exaggerating what happened here because you chose to stay in touch with a person you wanted to date but who didn’t want to date you. And doesn’t want to now.
If he ever wishes to he knows you’re extremely interested in dating him and he will contact you and ask you out on a proper date. At that time you can decide if you’re still interested.  If that time ever happens. 

If you continue to interact with him you are showing him you settle for scraps. That  you say stuff and don’t follow up. So act consistently with  your words and stop interacting now. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I straight up asked him, why he shows interest in what I'm doing, when he doesn't want to date, hangout, or be in a relationship. 

His response...

I like talking to you and find you to be a genuine person. I am not looking for much now, but at a minimum I do want to be your friend

It's good you finally asked him what the deal is with texting in lieu of dating.

If you are looking for a BF/relationship, you are wasting your time playing therapist/nurse to someone who clearly doesn't see you in a romantic way.

 Delete and block him. It's that simple. If he wants to complain about his medical problems let him talk to friends, family, doctors, therapists, etc.

He already told you he does not want a relationship because of the on/off thing with his GF. Let him call her to complain about his issues.

 Dating is not a soap opera. Unless you are totally bored and disinclined to pursue more viable men.

[Blue_Skirt]

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He isn't offering me anything. 

Why do you keep texting a guy who is not offering you anything?

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

So if you want to keep texting me, you can. 

WHY did you add that?  

It seems you're still "hoping" he'll decide to date you even though he's clearly said more than once he sees you as a friend.  "Maybe someday I'll change my mind" is not "I'd love to take you out to dinner next Wednesday.  Are you available?"

Do you believe this man is your one and only chance to get a boyfriend?  If so, you're truly wasting your time.  And if not, you're truly wasting your time. Either way you're sabotaging yourself by continuing to keep yourself attached to this man.

What are you so afraid of?  Would you rather have a relationship with your phone than a real relationship with an actual human you are physically present with?

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

WHY did you add that?  

It seems you're still "hoping" he'll decide to date you even though he's clearly said more than once he sees you as a friend.  "Maybe someday I'll change my mind" is not "I'd love to take you out to dinner next Wednesday.  Are you available?"

Do you believe this man is your one and only chance to get a boyfriend?  If so, you're truly wasting your time.  And if not, you're truly wasting your time. Either way you're sabotaging yourself by continuing to keep yourself attached to this man.

What are you so afraid of?  Would you rather have a relationship with your phone than a real relationship with an actual human you are physically present with?

I think I did pretty well engaging with him with what information he gave. 

I got answers. I'm not holding out hope any more. 

I find the whole thing a load of bull****. If he only saw me as friend material on our date, why did he want to keep kissing me as he did. He was then telling me he was having a hard time "behaving" because he wanted to be all over me. 

I don't feel that way or do that stuff with my friends. 

But regardless of what happened there weeks ago. He obviously feels that way now. So I can only move on as his "friend". Again, I may occasionally text him every few days or so. But I am done investing my hope on a guy that called me a friend.

I made it very clear I wasn't out searching for friends because I was on a dating app, as was he. 

He could be putting me on the backbones, talking to other girls, playing the field. Do I believe he had surgery and all that? Yes. But I am not a back burner type girl. He doesn't know and I don't know him well. So it is what it is. He isn't offering me a thing. 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think I did pretty well engaging with him with what information he gave. 

I got answers. I'm not holding out hope any more. 

I find the whole thing a load of bull****. If he only saw me as friend material on our date, why did he want to keep kissing me as he did. He was then telling me he was having a hard time "behaving" because he wanted to be all over me. 

I don't feel that way or do that stuff with my friends. 

But regardless of what happened there weeks ago. He obviously feels that way now. So I can only move on as his "friend". Again, I may occasionally text him every few days or so. But I am done investing my hope on a guy that called me a friend.

I made it very clear I wasn't out searching for friends because I was on a dating app, as was he. 

He could be putting me on the backbones, talking to other girls, playing the field. Do I believe he had surgery and all that? Yes. But I am not a back burner type girl. He doesn't know and I don't know him well. So it is what it is. He isn't offering me a thing. 

But his texts keep you emotionally attached to him.  You don't want him as a "friend", do you?

When he asked if you wanted him to stop texting you daily you could have easily said "yes, please stop.  I need to move on".  But instead you chose to continue.

You're wasting valuable time that could be better spent pursuing things that could result in finding a real, live, actual boyfriend.

 

[Alex39]

I guess I feel like a failure. I feel like the girl who can just be cool and not care gets the guy in the end. I've seen it happen a million times. Like why can't I just be cool and not care? Maybe I'd gain a good friend. Maybe more. 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I guess I feel like a failure. I feel like the girl who can just be cool and not care gets the guy in the end. I've seen it happen a million times. Like why can't I just be cool and not care? Maybe I'd gain a good friend. Maybe more. 

How is this a "failure"?  You met a man, went on one date, then it turns out he's not the right one.  The continuing texting is what's keeping you attached to him but you won't put a stop to it.  That's a choice, not a "failure".

What plans do you have for this weekend?  Today I'm planning to go visit a few parks in my hometown (if this gosh darned wind calms down, right now it's literally difficult to walk outside) and then get some takeout food.  In the next week I'm going to an art walk, going out to lunch with family, doing some shopping downtown, then a few days later meeting up with friends to go to lunch and on a beach walk.

None of those plans include any kind of date or boyfriend, but I'm really looking forward to them.

Please don't get discouraged into sitting on your couch all weekend with your cat!  Go outside, even if it's just on a nice, relaxing walk.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

find the whole thing a load of bull****. If he only saw me as friend material on our date, why did he want to keep kissing me as he did. He was then telling me he was having a hard time "behaving" because he wanted to be all over me. 

I don't feel that way or do that stuff with my friends. 

He didn't see you as a friend at that moment.  At that moment he was sexually attracted to you.  He may still be. He just doesn't want to date you and doesn't see future potential for a relationship so he is asking you to be his chat buddy.  Perhaps he'd like to keep options open, since you are pursuing him so heavily, that you'd be open to hanging out and hooking up but not dating and not going towards anything potentially serious.  

People change their minds all the time especially about chemistry and attraction -it can get stronger, weaker, disappear.  It can be there but the person balances the level of attraction against the downsides or doubts or unavailability for a relationship and chooses not to pursue a relationship.  You've been pushing him and persisting to get some kind of "explanation" from him -a person you met once and kissed.  So he's trying to come up with explanations because he enjoys being your chat buddy and likes the ego boost of having a woman who is sooooo into him as a chat buddy.  

Please stop blaming him.  Look inward and learn from this so you don't waste precious free time on men who don't want to date you, even men who were attracted to you or who are attracted to you. I was attracted to many men I chose not to date, I was attracted to a man on the first date but not the second, the third date but not the fourth. 

My ex boyfriend from years ago was alllll over me all the time - intense sexual chemistry.  5 years after we broke up he met the love of his life.  10 years after that they got married. I also got married that year.  Guess what.  We both married men. 

Guess what also - he was in denial when he was with me, struggling not to be gay because back then it was a really really hard road to follow - and he was still in his 20s - and guess what even also -he was very attracted to me sexually. It was so obvious.  There were no signs he was confused about his sexual orientiation.  He was honest with me.  He wanted to marry me (but by then he knew he was confused - so his proposal was more about "let me try to live a normal and maybe double life").  I didn't know he was gay till he told me 10 years after we broke up.  That's not why I ended things.

So please stop this nonsense of getting angry at some guy you barely know and accusing him of using you or lying to you.  He's not the most upstanding citizen or an angel since he knows you're interested and is trying to keep you on the hook - but the real culprit is you making unhealthful choices, wasting time and rationalizing why it's ok to leave your options open with this person.  Please treat yourself better. 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I guess I feel like a failure. I feel like the girl who can just be cool and not care gets the guy in the end. I've seen it happen a million times. Like why can't I just be cool and not care? Maybe I'd gain a good friend. Maybe more. 

He can't be a good friend ever because you don't want to hear about when he meets women he's really into and wants to introduce to his parents as potentially the one.  You wouldn't want to be invited to his dinner party to meet his new significant other. Would you? Who is cool and doesn't care? We all care, we just choose to react by moving on - feelings are not in our control.  Our reactions are.  You just told him you don't need more friends and you'd be a bad friend holding out hope for "maybe more".

At most I'd ask him if he knows any top notch men of character and integrity to introduce you to -like a setup/blind date.

Here's a suggestion I made up above -schedule a five minute pity party where you bemoan what a failure you are.  Five minutes a day tops.  I did somethign similar with my teenage son -he was stressing about a test so I told him that at 7:45am he could vent and stress for five minutes about his test.  He started whining around 7:15am because it was "close enough" to 7:45. I told him nope, gotta wait. so at 7:45 he ran around the fountain outside our building at the bus stop, venting about how he was sooooo stressed about his test. One lap around, then laughing about how silly it was to stress.  Try it with the pity party model I suggested.  

[Alex39]

I've done this before. That's what kills me. In college, I really liked this guy. He was fresh out of a relationship,  told me he wasn't looking for another. He would call me, spend time with me, kiss me. So I was mislead, so I hung on with all I had hoping he changed. This went on and off for three years. 

It is my fault. I am too understanding, kind, and compassionate towards people that haven't earned it. I hear one story about a guy who realized after so long that the girl was right for him and they lived happily ever after. And I think, well what if this is that time.

I fear walking away, because of the one off chance that I am wrong. That he is genuine, that he does like me, that maybe I'm wrong. I don't trust my own feelings, because I've been wrong before. 

Hearing from him last night about friendship etc, did give me clarity. I'm not holding on anymore, I'm free to see others and open to it.  But actually not talking scares me. In case I make a mistake and lose him 

 

Though in the scheme of things he's not trying to keep me, he's taking the chance to lose me. That speaks volumes. Actions are actions, words mean nothing. 

I consulted a psychic medium. I told her nothing about him. She told me he isn't right for me. She said he has other sides to him that I don't see yet, and that he is playing. He isn't in a space to commit or offer that. She told me that I need to take time to do some deep reflection and meditation. Really focus on myself, what I want in a man. She says she sees the right man for me coming into my life in about 6 months. She said we will meet in a chance encounter. That I will know this man is different from the others and he will be able to offer me what I always wanted. 

Thus, I deleted my dating app. I wasn't having any good luck on there. And I am focusing on myself and doing what makes me happy and getting out there more to be out in the world. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

t is my fault. I am too understanding, kind, and compassionate towards people that haven't earned it. I hear one story about a guy who realized after so long that the girl was right for him and they lived happily ever after. And I think, well what if this is that time.

No it's not because you're too kind.  You're too passive and needy. You're giving from a place of low self confidence so it's not a healthy type of being nice or giving.  That's why you then get upset with this guy - because you're playing the martyr, acting like a doormat.  You don't have time to wait passively for a man to come to his senses.  Why would you want that? Why risk wasting your precious 30s especially if you want a chance at being a mom of a biological child? 

The guy who's confronted with a woman who will do anything just to be with him, settle for scraps - typically won't choose that woman as his forever partner.  It's not a good look and it's a turn off.  Healthy people want people who are reasonably confident and choose them from a place of confidence not needy passivity or fear of being alone.  

It's not kind or caring to anyone -including yourself -to give to seek approval.

What makes you happy? What specific things? What does being out in the world look like to you?

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

No it's not because you're too kind.  You're too passive and needy. You're giving from a place of low self confidence so it's not a healthy type of being nice or giving.  That's why you then get upset with this guy - because you're playing the martyr, acting like a doormat.  You don't have time to wait passively for a man to come to his senses.  Why would you want that? Why risk wasting your precious 30s especially if you want a chance at being a mom of a biological child? 

The guy who's confronted with a woman who will do anything just to be with him, settle for scraps - typically won't choose that woman as his forever partner.  It's not a good look and it's a turn off.  Healthy people want people who are reasonably confident and choose them from a place of confidence not needy passivity or fear of being alone.  

It's not kind or caring to anyone -including yourself -to give to seek approval.

What makes you happy? What specific things? What does being out in the world look like to you?

You are so right. I want to be more confident too. I can be. I am going to strive to be. 

My home makes me happy. Cooking makes me happy. Being with my friends. Shopping. A nice meal out. Having fun. Kayaking, beach trips, crafts, being creative, dancing, I've always loved bartending, entertaining, having dinner parties, bbq's, gardening, music, concerts. I like history. I like scenic walks. I like movies, and going to the movies. 

 

I bought concert tickets for the summer. My friend and her boyfriend are going. I bought two tickets too. Hoping I could go with someone. 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

You are so right. I want to be more confident too. I can be. I am going to strive to be. 

My home makes me happy. Cooking makes me happy. Being with my friends. Shopping. A nice meal out. Having fun. Kayaking, beach trips, crafts, being creative, dancing, I've always loved bartending, entertaining, having dinner parties, bbq's, gardening, music, concerts. I like history. I like scenic walks. I like movies, and going to the movies. 

 

I bought concert tickets for the summer. My friend and her boyfriend are going. I bought two tickets too. Hoping I could go with someone. 

 

Good!  I'm glad you have specific things.  What precisely do you plan to do to be more confident? I recommend Martha Beck's books -might inspire you.  One thing that builds my confidence - wakes me up, energizes me (which all helps with self esteem) is intense cardio which I do daily (and I try to be on the move otherwise most days of the week).  I challenge myself, push myself, sweat a lot and I feel good about myself, the extra oxygen helps, the extra water (I down 3 glasses during each workout).  I don't compare myself to others because I see tons of women my age running marathons, doing cross fit, boot camp stuff- I do this for me.  I push myself against myself- no one else.  I highly recommend it as a confidence builder (and it's great for your health).  At least 20-30 minutes (I do 30-35, 7 days a week).  

Also how about volunteering at a soup kitchen or if you're creative, backstage at a community theater? Don't just "strive" to 'be more confident" - you're left with some vague abstraction.  Make a plan -what steps will you take to grow your self confidence? 

[boltnrun]

33 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I bought concert tickets for the summer. My friend and her boyfriend are going. I bought two tickets too. Hoping I could go with someone. 

 

I hope you decide to go whether or not you have "someone" to go with.

Don't let your life stagnate until you meet "someone".  Do the things you love but find ways to do them with groups.  Join a kayaking Meetup group or take a class.  Take a cooking class.  Take dance classes (not the ones that require you to bring a partner!) Join a gardening club.  Go to events that have live bands.

You have to be proactive.  Men are not going to just show up out of nowhere asking to be your boyfriend.  You have to actually be out there, somewhere where there's a chance to meet men.  Not at home or cooking alone in your kitchen or listening to music at home.

If you want someone in your life you need to go out and find that someone.  

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I hope you decide to go whether or not you have "someone" to go with.

Don't let your life stagnate until you meet "someone".  Do the things you love but find ways to do them with groups.  Join a kayaking Meetup group or take a class.  Take a cooking class.  Take dance classes (not the ones that require you to bring a partner!) Join a gardening club.  Go to events that have live bands.

You have to be proactive.  Men are not going to just show up out of nowhere asking to be your boyfriend.  You have to actually be out there, somewhere where there's a chance to meet men.  Not at home or cooking alone in your kitchen or listening to music at home.

If you want someone in your life you need to go out and find that someone.  

You don't have to have someone to go with. Go alone even if your friends can't go. Sell or donate the other ticket.  I've gone to movies and plays on my own and a 4 hour opera once.  It's more than fine.  

[Alex39]

I plan on going regardless of if I have a date or not. It's something I really want to do. I also plan on working out more regularly.  I think working out will make me happier and less depressed. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I plan on going regardless of if I have a date or not. It's something I really want to do. I also plan on working out more regularly.  I think working out will make me happier and less depressed. 

I work out daily.  To do that I make sure my workout clothes are ready (for the morning when I work out), water bottle filled and ready, sneakers and bag by the door. I do a no excuses type set up so I am on autopilot.  That might help you, too.