Second date?

[Alex39]

I started online dating. I'm 30. I hit it off talking with this new guy. We texted all day and night for days. I suggested we meet up. He said honestly that he had just gotten out of a three year relationship a month ago, and didn't want to rush too quickly. But that the last year of his relationship was horrible and they spoke about breaking up constantly. He said he realized that they weren't compatible. He said he would like a relationship again and that is a goal of his. So we continued texting for days on end. We got a bit flirty too. He was messaging me that I make him smile and how he loves talking to me. He told me I was sexy and we chatted about lots of things.  We had a ton in common. I felt I could trust him and he felt the same about me. We were both safe, level headed people. Finally after one week he asked me out. 

 

We meet up and go out for dinner. I thought it went really well. He paid. We went back to his house after. We kissed and watched a show. I really thought it was a good date. He teased me and we had chemistry. He even texted me after that he enjoyed it and asked me how he did? 

 

I've since sent him messages that I enjoyed his kisses and tried to show some interest. 

 

Ever since the date, he still texts me every single day, he initiates it, but the flirtation is gone, he just asks how I am. It's pretty basic talk.  He was texting me when he was out with a guy friend of his. I thought this was a good sign. He was thinking of me. He was thinking of me at the grocery store even, sending me pictures. I've tried initiating some flirtation into the texting again.  Teasing him and insinuating that we go out again. It's been 5 days and he hasn't asked me out. I'm still getting the basic texts from him daily, that he initiates. So what is up with this guy? 

 

Is he into me? Not? Do I give up?

 

I'd like to see him again. But I feel to desperate and hasty to ask. I feel I've made it very clear I'd like to go out again. 

[DancingFool]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He said honestly that he had just gotten out of a three year relationship a month ago

^This is what's going on. He told you quite directly that he is fresh out of a relationship, not healed, not over it. You are essentially his rebound pal. Someone who is filling the void the ex left behind - chatting with him, making him feel wanted, etc. Problem is, that once he actually starts healing, you'll get discarded.

Don't get involved when someone is telling you point blank that they are not ready to date.

On that note, when doing the online thing, don't waste time on chit chat. Ask to meet. If they aren't willing to meet, drop them and move on to other matches who are ready, willing, and interested in meeting and seeking to date or seeking a relationship. This guy is not it and is acting accordingly.

Don't chat so much that you get emotionally attached to a stranger. You can't trust someone you've never even met - think on that logically.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

he had just gotten out of a three year relationship a month ago, and didn't want to rush too quickly. But that the last year of his relationship was horrible and they spoke about breaking up constantly.

He seems interested but he has huge red flags such as being on/off and recently breaking up and going on and on about his "horrible" last relationship. Keep in mind that they are probably still talking.

 He seems to be dating because he believes he should "move on", but he's seeking validation and attention.

 Don't get caught in anyone's like this crossfire with their on/off ex. Do not ask him out. Do not invest. Do not go to his home for dates.

[Batya33]

First you tried to date online.  Don't date online.  Use dating sites as one of several ways to meet people in person ASAP for a first meet.  Never ever at their home or yours -especially theirs as you have no idea who else will be there, how to get out if you are assaulted or robbed or drugged or worse, etc.  Many people decide after a first meet not to see the person again and this person told you from the beginning he was not ready to be in a relationship so you knew from the beginning at most he wanted to casually date and/or hang out and hook up.

A person who wants to date you will ask you out on a date -time and place -or enthusiastically accept your invitation for a date. Nothing else is relevant.  Nothing else is a sign of interest in dating. He has interest in chatting with you and firting over text.  Texting you doesn't mean he's thinking of dating you.  It just means anything -could be bored and figure he'll text you, could be interested in chatting with you or seeing how you're doing. But he hasn't asked you for an official first date.  Assume it's because he doesn't want to.  Assume he'd be fine if he missed out on an opportunity to date you because the longer he waits the more he risks you meeting someone else. 

Why did you want to meet someone who told you right away he wasn't available for anything serious? Are you available? Why did you agree to wait to even meet him in person? Why did you risk serious danger or harm by going to this stranger's home when you first met?  Yes -a stranger for all safety purposes.

Are you actually ready to date with serious potential for a relationship? Or to date in person casually even?  The impression you give is that you were content to flirt online with a stranger and call it "online dating."  Please be more careful out there.

[Lambert]

DancingFool is right.  You are setting yourself up to be used and hurt. Will he mean to do? As in he plans to?  No. Of course not but he's not himself yet. 

Pull way back.  Keep meeting and dating others. 

[Alex39]

Well so he asked me on the date after a week of talking. He made the plans with me. He told me he'd like a relationship,  but just doesn't want to rush into one so fast and wants to date slowly and ease into it. He was telling me his last relationship was bad for the last year because they weren't really in a good relationship and they were both checked out. So he really hasn't been in a functioning relationship in a year. 

[Blue_Skirt]

25 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He said honestly that he had just gotten out of a three year relationship a month ago, and didn't want to rush too quickly.

 

No second date. Let him get over his 3 year relationship first. Keep looking for other men who are mentally ready for a new relationship.

But I have to add that I will never understand, what someone is doing on a dating app / dating site when they are not ready for a new relationship. That’s probably just old fashioned me.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Alex39 said:

So he really hasn't been in a functioning relationship in a year. 

Another red flag, he coasts along in relationships. The bottom line is he's pushing you away but will hookup to feed his needs.

[Alex39]

Just now, Blue_Skirt said:

No second date. Let him get over his 3 year relationship first. Keep looking for other men who are mentally ready for a new relationship.

But I have to add that I will never understand, what someone is doing on a dating app / dating site when they are not ready for a new relationship. That’s probably just old fashioned me.

And his dating profile says he's looking for a relationship.  That's why I'm confused. 

 

Do you think he will even ask me on a second? Or won't because he's just stringing me along because he isn't ready?

 

[trp]

While there are some red flags for sure such as him getting out of a relationship recently and him being up front with you about not wanting to rush into things which I would say is better than someone stating who wants to jump into another relationship without processing his last breakup. Honestly, I applaud him for at least being up front with you; however, I would definitely approach this guy very cautiously. 

While I may be the minority here; however, he is still initiating contact which I would say is still a positive thing. While you are more likely a rebound; however, he is initiating that contact which is saying that he is still interested even after a first date. If he wasn't interested, he would not be contacting you any further. Also, I highly doubt a guy who is not interested would initiate a conversation with a girl to just get validation. Now, if you are initiating conversation and he is just responding, then yes it would probably just be validation. 

You may be a rebound in this situation; so, I would recommend backing away for a bit, and having him still initiating the conversation. At the same time, I would still be friendly and flirty a bit, but not setting up dates or even hanging out with him. I would recommend still going on other dates with other guys and having friendly conversations with him. If he's interested, he will let you know. 

Also, he may just be worried about rushing into things which may be why he is approaching you from a friend perspective through his text messages. Again, he seems to still be interested in relationship or friendship otherwise he would not be contacting you...

[DancingFool]

He also hasn't been single for a day so to speak.

Nobody on a rebound will tell you that they are on the rebound. It's not that they are lying as such. They are just looking out for themselves and what they think they want/need.

Again, common sense advice to you is really quite simple - unless you love the roller coaster ride that ends in disappointment, don't get involved with people who are not ready to date.

Someone who is whole, ready and open to date isn't going to tell you how he needs to go slow because....reasons.....

[Alex39]

Yeah I feel like he is holding me at arms length. I can feel it. I do think he liked me on the date. So the minimal basic texting  he initiates daily is like putting me in a holding pattern for now until he's ready for something more. I'm not a hookup girl, he knows that, as I've told him.  

[Blue_Skirt]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

And his dating profile says he's looking for a relationship.  That's why I'm confused.

Do you think he will even ask me on a second? Or won't because he's just stringing me along because he isn't ready?

 

He is 1 month out of a 3 year relationship. I have read, that it takes a third of the time that the relationship had lasted, to be ready for a new one. This would mean 1 year for him. Now those times are not set in stone and everyone is different but I think 1 month is really short. He probably does not even know himself what he wants.

Don’t be passive and wait for him to ask you out for a second date. Don’t even bother. Be proactive and take your luck into your own hands and look for other men. Also, find out for yourself what is important for you in a relationship.

[SooSad33]

He is fresh out of a 3 yr relationship.  You two are not on the same path, where you are ready, he is not.

I'd say he hasn't got much to 'give' at this time, so don't expect much.

He really should have some down time to work through hiss emotions & issue's for a while. Not just hook up with someone so fast.

 

[Alex39]

I liked the guy. I liked him on the date and everything. I guess I'm a little peeved, why go out with me if you didn't intend to follow through? Why go out with anyone? 

 

I hate my time wasted and my emotions played with. I genuinely don't think that was his intention, but that is what's happening. I deserve more than that. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Well so he asked me on the date after a week of talking. He made the plans with me. He told me he'd like a relationship,  but just doesn't want to rush into one so fast and wants to date slowly and ease into it. He was telling me his last relationship was bad for the last year because they weren't really in a good relationship and they were both checked out. So he really hasn't been in a functioning relationship in a year. 

He didn't ask you out on a date.  He asked to meet you in person because he can't really know if he wants to date you without meeting you in person.  He's a stranger.  He didn't want to rush in but he invited you to his home and kissed you.  What specifically does he mean by not "rushing" - I mean he invited you -a stranger -to his home and kissed you shortly after he met you.  He was with his partner whether it was bad or not.  They were a couple.  He hasn't been single very long and he's telling you that is why he doesn't want to rush. Yet he meets you and basically rushes the being alone/kissing part.  He barely knows you and is flirting/sexting but he doesn't want to "rush".

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

And his dating profile says he's looking for a relationship.  That's why I'm confused. 

 

Do you think he will even ask me on a second? Or won't because he's just stringing me along because he isn't ready?

 

He's not stringing you along.  He told you exactly where he stood and showed you he is ready to sext and hook up but would prefer not to rush putting in the effort to ask you out and plan an official first date.  Ignore the profile.  It means nothing.  Relationship is a very broad word and maybe he was when he was writing it.  And now he's not, or not with you.  Please try not to get this invested with someone you met one time in person.  Also if he's not making a plan to see you he doesn't get the privilege of chatting you up when the mood strikes him.

[Andrina]

You would still probably jump at going out with him again if he asks, so you're not recognizing the red flags everyone is posting here:

When someone starts off immediately with excuses, they are warning you because it's their weird ethics. Because they reel you in with their good looks and then when you are giving them what they want--attention and/or intimacy, and then you want to go to the next level, they can say: "I told you what my deal is."

When someone can't date at a normal pace, they are not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Forget that slow crap. It's just as bad as too fast. Normal is not boring. It's healthy.

And don't go to someone's home until you know enough about the person to safely presume your well-being. People who have chemistry might also let their willpower slide and have sex too soon when you're in the privacy of a home. Date smarter and keep at least the first 3 dates in public. 

Only date men who makes it crystal clear he's really into you. If not, he's a waste of your time

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I genuinely don't think that was his intention, but that is what's happening. I deserve more than that. 

Don't give someone like this the benefit of the doubt. If he was clear to you right away he's not ready to date, he had no business being on a dating site. If he wanted a pen pal, there are sites for that. He knows exactly what he's doing and no, he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

And his dating profile says he's looking for a relationship.  That's why I'm confused. 

Paper(well in this case internet) survives anything. Lots of people writes lots of different stuff. Lots of people writes "No ONS". While they are there basically for hook ups. You need to understand that lots of people are not really clear in what they want. And that they might say one thing but act differently. And that you should watch how they act, and not what they say or write to you. 

For example he says he wants a relationship. While its pretty clear he wants somebody to be there for him without any commitment. He can text you every now and then but he doesnt have any obligations toward you. If he gets bored texting or he see that you are pulling away, you might even get that second date. However, his intentions are not relationship kind. If yours are, you should cut that through and find somebody who will not orbit just to be there. But actually want to be with you.

[boltnrun]

My friend's ex husband put in his dating profile that he was looking to date with a goal of marriage and children. He told her he didn't really want any more children but if he put that, no "young" women would want to date him. And his goal really was to find a much younger woman to date.

Some will put whatever they think will attract people to their profile. If he'd put "I'm just out of a breakup and really want some attention and companionship because I'm feeling a bit lonely and out of sorts", who would reply other than broken people?

[Alex39]

I'm bummed, because you all are right. I'm just sad. It's rare I meet someone and we have a lot in common. And of course it's someone who isn't serious about dating. It feels like just my luck. I feel like I am in such a good place in my life to meet someone. I'm ready to share my life and I think I'm overall a cute girl. 

 

Do I say something to him? Ghost him? Keep occasionally answering his chats? Where do I go from here?

 

I'm sad because I'm not really connecting with a lot of other people online. I like to chat and converse. Others don't put effort in. 

 

I mean this guy and I met on bumble. On bumble, once you connect with someone mutually, then it's up to the girl to chat first or the connection disappears in 24 hours. I ran over the 24 hour mark, and this guy paid to extend it another 24 hours. So I started chatting with him and we hit it off. 

 

 

[Blue_Skirt]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Do I say something to him? Ghost him? Keep occasionally answering his chats? Where do I go from here?

 

You don’t need to say anything, you don’t need reply to his messages. Why would you? Just to be polite? You simply block, delete, ignore him and focus on other men. And if you come across a man who just came out of a relationship, you break off the conversation immediately with the mention that you don’t date men who are not over their last relationship. Good luck!  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 On bumble, once you connect with someone mutually, then it's up to the girl to chat first or the connection disappears in 24 hours.

Ok just keep messaging and meeting men. 

They all say "looking for a relationship", so don't go by that.

What you can do is screen better. 

That means meet sooner rather than later. No texting 24/7 before meeting. No in house first dates. 

And most of all if someone goes on and on about an ex/a breakup..... Run 👟👟

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

Only date men who makes it crystal clear he's really into you. If not, he's a waste of your time

And in the beginning crystal clear is easy.  No need to look for signs.  It's clear because either he asks you out on a proper date he plans in advance or he accepts enthusiastically a proper date you plan in advance.  If he doesn't do those things he is not interested in dating you. He might be interested in chatting/flirting/sexting/hooking up when it's convenient for him but not dating.  

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok just keep messaging and meeting men. 

They all say "looking for a relationship", so don't go by that.

What you can do is screen better. 

That means meet sooner rather than later. No texting 24/7 before meeting. No in house first dates. 

And most of all if someone goes on and on about an ex/a breakup..... Run 👟👟

That's the thing. He doesn't go on and on about his ex at all. All he told me the one time was that he ended a relationship and the last year of it wasn't good as they weren't compatible. He never mentions it, he, or anything else at all.