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Second date?


Alex39
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Your extreme crush is overriding your good sense. Believe me, when he's ready to be full-on with a woman, it'll be with someone else. When you're not that special someone from day one, it's very rare you ever will be.

Day one of closure begins when you go no contact. Each day you'll be a little less sad, and you can begin pouring your precious time and energy into someone who is mutually crushing on you.

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23 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do feel he's genuine though. He's been honest with me.  I don't truly feel he's a bad guy. I do like him. I don't think he's leading me on. He was upfront with me from the start. 

He doesn't need to be a bad guy not to want to date you. It didn't work out. Good that you put a stop to his sexy texties. Of course you ought to be regarded with more respect than that. The way he's opted to approach this is just overall out of place and inappropriate in the context of you looking for something more meaningful. There's a total mismatch here in what you're both looking for. 

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40 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do feel he's genuine though. He's been honest with me.  I don't truly feel he's a bad guy. I do like him. I don't think he's leading me on. He was upfront with me from the start. 

So you're completely satisfied with the interactions you have with him? You don't yearn for more?

A guy I was dating was also "genuine and honest" when he told me he likes me just fine but he wasn't ever going to fall in love with me. I was "genuine and honest" when I told my good friend I wasn't interested in dating him.

The person you need to be upfront with is yourself. Are you waiting for him to decide he wants to date you?

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1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I do feel he's genuine though. He's been honest with me.  I don't truly feel he's a bad guy. I do like him. I don't think he's leading me on. He was upfront with me from the start. 

He's presumably a good person who doesn't want to date you and some of his behavior is questionable -as is yours- because you're lying to yourself.  But it doesn't mean overall you're not good people. That's very typical in dating experiences that one person is not that into the other person and if it's easy enough to stay in casual contact they do.  Not a bad person.  

Edited by Batya33
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Yes, I agree. I don't think he's a bad guy. I do think he'd hookup with me if I were more willing. Honestly, I want to sleep with him so badly, but I keep telling myself that having a long term relationship is more important to me than that. I know I'll get attached even more and I know I'll get hurt.

 

Sadly, we're just not in the same place. I agree that waiting around is ridiculous. I'm then not making myself available when I'm waiting around on him. I've been cutting back on the texting. Cutting back on my answers. Very simple. I'm not putting effort in, because he's not. 

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On 2/21/2022 at 2:55 PM, Alex39 said:

I liked the guy. I liked him on the date and everything. I guess I'm a little peeved, why go out with me if you didn't intend to follow through? Why go out with anyone? 

 

I hate my time wasted and my emotions played with. I genuinely don't think that was his intention, but that is what's happening. I deserve more than that. 

Yes you do.

I see some people saying to just disregard him completely, ignore or even block him, *but* you can work with this - he does show interest, and you can increase it gently to see how much it *can* be increased.

A great way to see how much he really is interested is to get busy and happy with your own life (slightly put him on the back burner since you *are* busy you know doing other, happy things ❤️) and that may increase his desire and motivation to get you on another date. It may cause him to drop off completely,but that's also a won for you because you'll know he really wasn't interested at all.

It's a turn off to a lot of men when they realize they can keep you texting daily, on a back burner so to speak, so the best thing is not allow it. Get honestly busy with your own (good!) life and it may force him to see your value as much higher because you won't be strung along.

Turning the tables on him show him your value and worth (that he's risking losing you with that behavior). He sounds interested enough that he'd get frustrated and try harder (I believe) I think it's worth seeing if he will, if you're up for it.

You don't have to block him or ignore him or be rude, but just make sure you're busier... Don't respond to his texts as much (if at all)... You can glance at them, but take the emotion out of it, and keep busy with stuff you like to do.

Then respond if or when you feel like it, or genuinely have some time.

If he notices a change and he asks why you aren't responding be honest and tell him you've gotten pretty busy and are starting to date again more since he was honest he wasn't looking for anything yet. And be sweet and polite and thank him for his honestly... Let him know you really appreciate he was upfront about that. It is a good thing, even if it's painful. 

But be light, happy and just act like you've got other men pursuing you (try to make that happen too so that it's a reality). 

I know it feels bad that you realize he had you undervalued, but it can mean different things sometimes. It doesn't do any good to get angry about it or hurt and block him, to me he does sound like there's some interest there and you can test the waters to see how much.

Good luck and I'm excited for your dating journey ❤️❤️❤️

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4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Sadly, we're just not in the same place. I agree that waiting around is ridiculous.

I wanted to get married.  And to do that I knew I couldn't get jaded or cynical so when someone wasn't into me - meaning he didn't ask me out on a date he planned in advance - I moved on and assumed he wasn't that into me.  I didn't think about whether it was because h was "in a different place" especially if there was any chance I'd find out later (some of this was pre-social media/pre-internet) that Mr. Not in the Right Place was.... for the right gal.

That could trigger negativity.  I didn't need that as I wanted to be ready to meet the right person. Jaded people often do not.  I simply accepted he wasn't that into me.  For whatever reason.  And I didn't give him the benefit of being my chat buddy.  

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So interesting enough. He seems to be dying to know who I am hanging out with. This is the second time, where I mentioned I was "out with a friend" and he starts asking, "what friend is this?" And he starts almost seeing who I was out with, and why, etc... 

 

He seems to be fishing to see if I'm out with another guy. He says "oh just trying to remember who your friends are"

 

I don't buy it. And this second time he was very nosy almost dying to know if it was a guy or girl friend. 

 

Why would he care or want to know? He doesn't want to rush and go on another date with me right now, so why does he care about knowing my friends or if I was on a date? 

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8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I mentioned I was "out with a friend"

He doesn't need to know what you're doing. If he's not asking you out, he's not interested enough.

"Out with a friend" is usually a thinly veiled attempt to generate jealousy. But of he cared he wouldn't be asking who you were with because he would be with you.

 Try to let go. 

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31 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm genuinely not trying to generate jealousy.  I was out with a friend. I wasn't on a date, just catching up with a friend. 

So my ex believed he should be able to do and see and be with whomever he wanted. But he reacted poorly if he thought I might be with or interested in someone else, or if he thought someone else was interested in me.

It wasn't because he loved me so much. It was because he wanted me to be exclusively available to him. To put it bluntly, he didn't want anyone else playing with what he considered to be "his" toy.

This guy tried to get you to sext with him after he told you he didn't want to "rush" into anything with you, right? So he wants you to be available to him when he wants attention or a sexting partner. Or even some uncommitted actual sex.

I wouldn't answer any of his questions. If he's that concerned with who you might be spending time with he could be asking you out on dates to ensure the person you spend time with is him. And if he wants you to be exclusively available to him he could consistently ask you for dates. But he's not doing that, is he?

So if he asks, just say you were "out". If he asks "with who?" you can change the subject or dodge the question. Don't let him guilt you into being subjected to his ridiculous questions.

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1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

So interesting enough. He seems to be dying to know who I am hanging out with. This is the second time, where I mentioned I was "out with a friend" and he starts asking, "what friend is this?" And he starts almost seeing who I was out with, and why, etc... 

 

He seems to be fishing to see if I'm out with another guy. He says "oh just trying to remember who your friends are"

 

I don't buy it. And this second time he was very nosy almost dying to know if it was a guy or girl friend. 

 

Why would he care or want to know? He doesn't want to rush and go on another date with me right now, so why does he care about knowing my friends or if I was on a date? 

The more important issue is why do you care. He isn’t asking you out. He didn’t exactly treat you as a gentleman would either while attempting to sext you despite your differences and he seems to think he’s entitled to your business and whom you hang out with.

Is this really any sort of man you’d respect on any given day even if he was someone who appears to want to date you? Take off the lovey glasses. He is so run of the mill ordinary. 

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15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The more important issue is why do you care. He isn’t asking you out. He didn’t exactly treat you as a gentleman would either while attempting to sext you despite your differences and he seems to think he’s entitled to your business and whom you hang out with.

Is this really any sort of man you’d respect on any given day even if he was someone who appears to want to date you? Take off the lovey glasses. He is so run of the mill ordinary. 

Yes- I'm baffled as to why he even gets to know what you're doing during the day.  What interests you about this interaction with this person you met one time who doesn't want to date you? Honestly why not watch an old episode of Dateline or 20/20 or one of those shows if you're interested in what makes people tick and act and react in certain ways - much better use of your time.  Or even better Jodi Picoult's latest novel - really fascinating characters and has to do with modern dating too.

Edited by Batya33
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I'm just in such a bad way. I'm mentally feeling so hopeless. I'm turning 30 in mere days. I'm typically not that girl. I'm not that girl that ever needed to follow a timeline or cared if I was married by a certain age. 

But now I feel so alone, and like time is wasting and has been wasted. I spent the last three years alone, and wasn't putting myself out there. I should have been. It was a huge time waster and mistake. 

I have weddings to go to this year and I'm going alone. I'm sick of going it alone. I feel like life is playing a cruel trick on me. I see all my friends and family members in these awesome relationships and they are going on fun vacations together and planning weddings, and children. 

I don't have any of that. And I'm wasting more time where I won't have time. 

By the time I meet someone, date for a few years, get married, I'll be what 35, 37. We'll be rushing to have children at that point. Which I never wanted to do. No fun trips, no years of newlywed happiness. I don't have time for that anymore. 

I feel so frustrated. Why am I not worthy? 

I'm smart, own my own home, have a solid career, am funny, cute,  pretty, well dressed. Does it matter? No. No guy cares to even get to know me well or invest. I want to invest. I have a huge heart to give. 

I like this guy. I think he likes me. He's currently struggling with a medical issue. I asked him out again last night. Casually just asked if he wanted to hangout and watch a movie. He said ranchers. He wasn't feeling too good. I'm trying to be sensitive. He's having a minor procedure tomorrow and should feel better after that. I'm trying to be patient. I have no other prospects. Online has become a dead end. I'm feeling so down on life. I've been crying almost daily about how sad I am that I can't find one good guy. 

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1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I feel so frustrated. Why am I not worthy? 

 

I felt the same last year. Then when I saw who was "worthy" I felt better that I am not. 

Anyway, you are looking at it the wrong way. OK, some guy wont date you. So what? Some other guy will. Its important that you know your worth. If you do, so will the others. You know that you are all those things you said. At the end he is "just some guy". There will be some other who will see those things you numbered in you. This guy just doesnt. And it doesnt matter in overall view of things. If you are gona date you cant "fall" every time somebody gives you attention and doesnt want to date you. Just say "OK" and move on. Otherwise you will be in the world of pain. You need to have the right mindset to date. And brushing off stuff like this is one of them.

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I asked him out again last night. Casually just asked if he wanted to hangout and watch a movie. He said ranchers. He wasn't feeling too good.

Girl, no, just no. That is way too desperate. If he wants to hang he can arrange a date. Otherwise just continue talking and dating others. This guy is again, "just some guy". There will be bunch of others like that and you cant get stuck on people like that.

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2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm turning 30 in mere days.

I'm smart, own my own home, have a solid career, am funny, cute,  pretty, well dressed. Does it matter? No. No guy cares to even get to know me well or invest. I want to invest. I have a huge heart to give. 

Happy birthday. You seem like a lovely woman to date. Make sure you put forth the confidence to date men who are worth your while.

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I was you.  I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  Does it help that my ex fiancee and I got back together when we were 39 and started trying to conceive when I was almost 41 - and I'd never been pregnant? And I conceived naturally and gave birth and got married at 42? Yes I was so very fortunate - yes it took over a year to conceive but we were long distance.  And I had no option in those days to freeze my eggs (I am 55, our son is 13).  But you can- I would do so -you're at the perfect age and it will take some of the pressure off to have to "rush" to have children.  We rushed.  It wasn't ideal but wow it was wonderful.  Felt like I won the lottery. No regrets.  At all.  

In 2004 I was in my late 30s.  I remember this one day.  I went to a professional event.  I ran into a grad school classmate first who was my age.  She never seemed the marrying type. She launched into this gushy, breathless recitation of how she'd recently married.  Flashed her ring at me- coyly/fakely giggled 'can you imagine - me - married??"  Wanted to throw up in my mouth.

Then I sat at the fancy table.  And.  My ex boyfriend from 10 years earlier saunters over.  He was recently married too.  Oh joy.  He says hi and makes polite conversation and had that sort of look of you know smug married plus pity (obviously he saw I had no ring -oh and I was on and off with my boyfriend, who was not there).  

Then I ran into a former colleague - a guy-who proclaimed loudly that I should just go for it and be a single mother by choice (no thanks, despite desperately wanting to be a mom - for almost 20 years by then).  

What a lovely day.  That week two of my friends had their first babies -one who was married and one a single mother by choice, both in their 30s.  

But here is what else happened that month. One of my dearest friends in her 30s passed away from late stage breast cancer.  She was a newlywed.  She met her amazing husband on Match.com. He married her shortly after her diagnosis (they were already engaged, the wedding planned) - and he was her hero. No kids.  She didn't get to enjoy married life or be a mom -which she so desperately wanted.  I mean there is a place where we also have to count our blessings.  

It's so hard. I know.  I hated those darn weddings and showers too (I had neither -I had a small reception and didn't want a shower -instead two of my girlfriends took me out for a lovely dinner).  You know, you don't have to go.  I mean it's actually a good place to meet single guys especially at your age but you don't have to go.  

I shared about "me" because I really do get it.  Especially when a short term relationship ends and you're 30 and your friends are all starting or have started to do the marrying making babies thing.  I used dating sites for many years with mostly really good results. So did many of my friends.  But I was really really strict about not doing what you are doing -chasing after a person who doesn't want to or can't date you (who cares why all that matters is he's not available to you -he is not your person -if he becomes your person he knows where to find you).  

I hope you feel better soon.

Edited by Batya33
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4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

But now I feel so alone, and like time is wasting and has been wasted. I spent the last three years alone, and wasn't putting myself out there. I should have been. It was a huge time waster and mistake. 

This is all the more reason to cut the losers loose ASAP. What makes him a "loser" for dating purposes is that he came up with excuses from the get-go. Stop making excuses for his mental state and health, assuming he "might" be ready to date you one day. Your feeling of desperation is making you settle. Stop being text buddies and delete him as a contact. He's neither a friend or romantic partner you spend physical time with, so he is a HUGE time waster. Exactly what you don't want to be doing.

I had a friend who concentrated on her career for so many years, and had it in the back of her mind she might one day have a child, but with 2 failed marriages and other partners everyone but her could see were wrong for her, she was never in a good place to have a child. And then she woke up to severely worrying about her biological clock and went coo-coo, on full blast, trying to snag someone to father her child. As you could predict, that guy made for a crappy husband and Dad. The marriage didn't even last 2 years.

Don't be doing anything out of desperation. It's good to have life goals of wanting to find a lifetime companion, so keep that goal in mind and then date wisely, and engage in activities to meet a large pool of singles in your age group. Look into what meet up.com groups are in your area. You could even start one yourself. 

When you have to play games or use tactics to get someone's attention, he's not the right one. So that you feel more control over your life, and how to go about things, make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to them. Don't waste time on people who don't meet your standards. Because when you're chatting away inside your house to Mr. Wrong, you're missing opportunities like with a possible Mr. Right who is browsing books at the library or bookstore and might have begun a conversation with you if you'd gone out into the world, or you miss speaking to the cute guy in the hiking meet up group.

I had to go on dates with 30 guys over a 2 and a half year period before finding my husband, and yes it was time intensive and an emotional roller coaster. But I kept my eyes on the prize and was eventually successful. I wish the same for you.

I recommend the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It helped me gain a more positive mindset. 

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Thank you so much for sharing with me. And giving me solid advice. I'm investing too much. I'm letting him get to know me through text. I hate not having plans. It's been two weeks since our date. I'm acting like his girlfriend through text. I feel like an idiot. I'm holding out hope. It's making me desperate. I do like him. But this isn't what I want. 

 

All my friends keep telling me to chat away with him, because I'm not seeing any others and have no other prospects. So what's the harm?

 

But day to day I'm disappointed.  I'm sad. I want to be doing things with him. Activities. Having fun. Kissing. Enjoying life. I want a companion in life. I want one so bad. 

 

I feel guilty, why can't I be more patient? Why do I keep playing the stupid tactics as someone said?  I am doing that. It's dumb. He knows exactly what I want. 

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The harm is you get more attached and then you lack motivation to meet someone who would want to date you.  One of my friends wasted 3-4 years pining away after a guy like this (turned out he was dating someone else in their theater group, secretly, for much of that time -and when they broke up did he ask out my friend? Of course not!

Please don't settle for scraps.

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These friends of yours, do they also spend time with their phones or their laptops instead of with actual people?

You're allowing yourself to get attached to someone you went on ONE date with. 

Do you feel like texting is better than nothing? Why do you think it's either texting or nothing at all, when there's a whole, big, wide world out there?

I suggest you go to a park, a beach, an outdoor shopping center, even a ballfield. Are there any men at any of those places? I go for a walk just in my neighborhood and everywhere I turn there's men. They're all over the place. And no, not all of them are married or gay.

One of my coworkers wisely told me "you're not going to find your next boyfriend sitting at home in your couch with your cat".  And she was 100% correct.

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I do sit at home on my couch with my cat. I feel like such a lazy loser. I guess I just would never think to go to a ball field alone. Avtivities alone scare me. It's unsafe at times for a girl, but also no fun alone 

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1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I do sit at home on my couch with my cat. I feel like such a lazy loser. I guess I just would never think to go to a ball field alone. Avtivities alone scare me. It's unsafe at times for a girl, but also no fun alone 

Sounds like you're depressed. Not the teenager type "depressed" because the boy you like asked someone else to the prom. I mean, real depression. I don't recall, are you currently involved in any type of therapy or counseling?

I go places alone ALL THE TIME. Bars. Restaurants. Vacations. Sports events. Car shows. Food festivals. Farmers markets.  Nothing bad has ever happened to me. No one laughs at me. No one points their finger and says "why is that woman here by herself??!!" I've had a ton of fun doing things on my own.

Maybe look into therapy to find out why "activities 'alone'" scare you.

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