Dating a cancer patient… who is also a total jerk??

[Andrina]

On 2/1/2022 at 11:49 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

I mean I ended up sending an empathetic and supportive message, and the fact that he couldn’t even respond with “thanks”

With all the info given, I would guess that he knew better than to respond because you've shown him that if he gives you an inch, you'll take a mile. He knew that that text message was loaded with expectations and that you were attempting to lasso him back into your orbit.

 

On 2/1/2022 at 11:49 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

and all I’d done right from the start was give, spending time with his child & doing things for him when he couldn’t even express interest in meeting mine in the FUTURE

Even if you've shoved a crush away from certain death by a rolling boulder or dig him out when he's buried in an avalanche, he doesn't owe you a promise of being your lifetime partner.

If you were floored by meeting his child within weeks of knowing him, why didn't you refuse to do what wasn't right for said child? It's like you were so enamored of a new acquaintance, you were pleasing him to the detriment of your own needs and against better judgment. Even though he welcomed your involvement at that time, when the watershed moment came up about the thought of meeting a woman's daughter (when you two weren't  even exclusive) he likely had a wake up call. 

As said before, he is poor at decision making, but you have no control over him. You should, however, be working on improving your own behavior and develop more realistic expectations.

[Cherylyn]

Accept the way he is personality and all.  His life is on the line, he's taking potent medications, undergoing chemo and his mind is not what you'll ever expect. 

Either accept him the way he is or if his personality and character are intolerable for you, you're the one who has to dissolve and exit the friendship he wants.  If friendship isn't good enough for you, then call it quits entirely.  It's all he is willing to offer. 

Both a friendship or relationship with him wouldn't be healthy for you anyway. 

[MissCanuck]

On 2/3/2022 at 1:11 AM, Kansasbbq10 said:

The thought crossed my mind that as someone 20 years younger and (if I’m being honest) objectively a good catch / successful/ wealthy/ been told by many I’m very attractive, perhaps he was using me as a “look, ive still got it.”

So this is it. 

Your ego is bruised because in spite of all the above, he doesn't want you. 

As I said before, you really need to get over yourself. 

[Batya33]

I went to see one of my dearest friends when she was dying of cancer -might have been right before she was actually in hospice.  We were joking around about regifting and she said that one of the gifts I'd gotten her while she was ill - a DVD of a cute movie I thought she liked - she'd regifted because she didn't like it. 

I mean -I don't care -but the person she was pre-cancer would have kept that to herself.  Of course I cut her slack and of course I assumed she might have more zingers like that -I just wanted to be with her if she wanted to be with me.  Prior to that she'd said some blunt stuff about my then relationship -again -from the perspective of my knowing how ill she was (she was in her early 30s) I took in her comments from that perspective. 

And when she was in hospice I called her husband to see if I could see her one last time.  He actually wasn't sure if he would let me and I wasn't sure if I was happy with him not letting me.  But I put them first.  Ahead of my needs. I only wanted to see her if she (and he, her spouse) thought it was a good idea.  I put myself aside, my need to see her one last time. He allowed it. 

But I never questioned him -I restrained myself -no pressure.  I got to see her one last time.  I was grateful.  But I learned so much -when someone is sick like that you have to figure out what they need from you -including space - not what you "need" or think the other person wants.  It's not easy but that's love, that is caring, that is empathy.  Not the self-absorbed stuff you've been persistently writing about here.  That's not about him.  At all.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I went to see one of my dearest friends when she was dying of cancer -might have been right before she was actually in hospice.  We were joking around about regifting and she said that one of the gifts I'd gotten her while she was ill - a DVD of a cute movie I thought she liked - she'd regifted because she didn't like it. 

I mean -I don't care -but the person she was pre-cancer would have kept that to herself.  Of course I cut her slack and of course I assumed she might have more zingers like that -I just wanted to be with her if she wanted to be with me.  Prior to that she'd said some blunt stuff about my then relationship -again -from the perspective of my knowing how ill she was (she was in her early 30s) I took in her comments from that perspective. 

And when she was in hospice I called her husband to see if I could see her one last time.  He actually wasn't sure if he would let me and I wasn't sure if I was happy with him not letting me.  But I put them first.  Ahead of my needs. I only wanted to see her if she (and he, her spouse) thought it was a good idea.  I put myself aside, my need to see her one last time. He allowed it. 

But I never questioned him -I restrained myself -no pressure.  I got to see her one last time.  I was grateful.  But I learned so much -when someone is sick like that you have to figure out what they need from you -including space - not what you "need" or think the other person wants.  It's not easy but that's love, that is caring, that is empathy.  Not the self-absorbed stuff you've been persistently writing about here.  That's not about him.  At all.

Very well said. Thank you for putting that into words.

[reinventmyself]

On 2/2/2022 at 4:11 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

 meeting my daughter at some point in future once we may be more than friends, ghosted. Then why did he involve his own child and have me spend time w him on multiple occasions? The thought crossed my mind that as someone 20 years younger and (if I’m being honest) objectively a good catch / successful/ wealthy/ been told by many I’m very attractive, perhaps he was using me as a “look, ive still got it.” 

Someone fighting for their life can't promise a future.  They are just trying to get through the day.  And seeing you two are just friends, there are no guarantees.  These things unfold organically.  They can't be penciled in on a calendar.

I don't see where he promised you anything.   There may have been casual conversations about shared interests, but it seems you may have ran with it and interpreted something in exchange for your caregiving.  Though it was a gracious thing to do, you aren't entitled to expect a romance in return.  

I don't know why you insist on painting this man in a bad light. I suppose it makes you feel better.  But that's your ego talking.  Be better than that.

Why did you meet his son?  Only he knows. Maybe because he considered you just a friend and it didn't hold the same significance as you have.  You, in turn proposed meeting your child in an entitled exchange for your caregiving and attached a weighty expectation of a romantic commitment with it.  

This guy is super vulnerable.  I don't know of a person with chronic, devasting illness that isn't.  Noone made you take care of him.  You willingly did it, so he wasn't using you.  Next time, if you want to help someone, do it from good place without an expectation of a pay off in return.  It smacks of scorekeeping and given the situation, it isn't pretty.

[Kansasbbq10]

On 2/3/2022 at 10:27 AM, Coily said:

This is pretty creepy behavior on your part OP, and if the sexes were reversed some of the posts would be stronger about you needing to leave this poor guy alone. Just because you're told you are hot does not entitle you to this guy's time or attention; doesn't matter what pace his initial dating rituals took, he wants to end things accept it.

Update: I followed everyone’s advice and left him alone. We didn't speak for months. I totally moved on. Then he started texting me again. Inviting me to do platonic activities but I was never free. Then finally i came over his place as we planned to go to this cool spot near his house. Well we just got lost in conversation \ catching up and then...He made a move! We fooled around a bit but really it was way more than we’d ever done for those months we dated! Now he's texting a normal amount for a guy who's interested , seems very into me. But we didn't talk much for those months he was still going through cancer! seems like he's ultimately wanting a relationship from comments he made. I don't know what to think ?

i feel really guarded because this is someone who previously “disappeared” on me. But… he “disappeared” in the context of being super sick with cancer and communicated to me that he could only handle being friends and that could definitely change in the future. When we did things sexually the other day part of me felt like it was happening so “fast”… then reminding myself he spent months dating me including a holiday together ,  having me around his child, bringing me tea in bed in the morning even though he’d gotten zero sexually from any of it. But I feel very guarded and closed off, assuming he’s just “using me” and “not serious.”
But I do this with all men. Except for the one who’s been around for almost 5 years but is estranged from his wife and moved far away from her but doesn’t ever want a “traditional relationship” or to ruin his child’s life and lose access to his child (he tells me that’s been threatened multiple times) and lose all his $ by getting a divorce, but he and his wife haven’t had any physical or romantic relationship period since I started sleeping w him all those years ago (and yes even before). And I believe him bc I once spoke w his wife, who acted totally indifferent that he’d be involved w another woman. But I feel very close to and comfortable w this man and he’s the only one I can be sexual with and feel comfortable and not panicked that I’m being used and that I “just can’t go through with it”

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

i feel really guarded because this is someone who previously “disappeared” on me.

He didn't disappear. 

He was in treatment for a life-threatening illness, and you made it all about you. Of course you didn't talk much; he was consumed with something much more important. 

I still don't think your mindset is compatible for these sort of extenuating circumstances, and you would probably be best to leave this door closed. 

[Wiseman2]

Is the cancer patient and the married man the same person? 

[Batya33]

I’m confused. You feel guarded and yet you’re not guarded as far as sexual intimacy?? I don’t think this is a compatible match either. 

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

But I feel very close to and comfortable w this man and he’s the only one I can be sexual with and feel comfortable and not panicked that I’m being used and that I “just can’t go through with it”

Okay, good, and thank you for the update. I'm glad he's feeling healthy enough to date, and you're feeling comfortable enough for intimacy.

Enjoy, and let us know if you want to bounce any comments off of us.

[reinventmyself]

It's often about trusting yourself.  Do you have what it takes to allow this to unfold and not forecast into the future?

Not to say you go into it blindly.  But based on all the information you have, can you take this one day at a time and see where it goes?  After all, that's all you have.

Had he been shady in his actions or words this would be a no-brainer.  But, you have enough good to go on to at least have a little faith, live in the moment and trust you have what it takes to see how this plays out. 

Can you do it?

[greendots]

21 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

But we didn't talk much for those months he was still going through cancer! seems like he's ultimately wanting a relationship from comments he made. I don't know what to think ?

Real talk: Depending on the type of cancer he's got there may not be a cure, which means that many newer treatments are experimental. No one knows how the patient's body will respond to such a treatment. It's a gamble until doctors find one that works. Additionally, any treatment not only impacts the cancer patient physically but emotionally as well. Plus imagine, tests are ongoing to monitor treatment thus a cancer patient is at the doctor's quite often, which can be exhausting. Add on to that the dietary restrictions and lifestyle changes a cancer patient has to get used to.

I'm not telling you this to deter you from dating him (should he be single or separated), but I want to give you an accurate picture of what dealing with a cancer patient is like. My dad had cancer, and I witnessed what he and my mum had to go through. A blessing that they had each other and supported each other through thick and thin, because it was tough. Are you ready for this experience?

[Rose Mosse]

On 8/3/2022 at 9:52 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

Update: I followed everyone’s advice and left him alone. We didn't speak for months. I totally moved on. Then he started texting me again. Inviting me to do platonic activities but I was never free. Then finally i came over his place as we planned to go to this cool spot near his house. Well we just got lost in conversation \ catching up and then...He made a move! We fooled around a bit but really it was way more than we’d ever done for those months we dated! Now he's texting a normal amount for a guy who's interested , seems very into me. But we didn't talk much for those months he was still going through cancer! seems like he's ultimately wanting a relationship from comments he made. I don't know what to think ?

i feel really guarded because this is someone who previously “disappeared” on me. But… he “disappeared” in the context of being super sick with cancer and communicated to me that he could only handle being friends and that could definitely change in the future. When we did things sexually the other day part of me felt like it was happening so “fast”… then reminding myself he spent months dating me including a holiday together ,  having me around his child, bringing me tea in bed in the morning even though he’d gotten zero sexually from any of it. But I feel very guarded and closed off, assuming he’s just “using me” and “not serious.”
But I do this with all men. Except for the one who’s been around for almost 5 years but is estranged from his wife and moved far away from her but doesn’t ever want a “traditional relationship” or to ruin his child’s life and lose access to his child (he tells me that’s been threatened multiple times) and lose all his $ by getting a divorce, but he and his wife haven’t had any physical or romantic relationship period since I started sleeping w him all those years ago (and yes even before). And I believe him bc I once spoke w his wife, who acted totally indifferent that he’d be involved w another woman. But I feel very close to and comfortable w this man and he’s the only one I can be sexual with and feel comfortable and not panicked that I’m being used and that I “just can’t go through with it”

This guy isn’t the married man so give it a try and see where this goes. You’re panicking a bit and feeling vulnerable, it seems. If you like him keep seeing him but let things unfold in their own time. 

If you feel guarded take your time and don’t rush this romance. Spend more time together and balance your time with your other commitments. Life is not all about him. I’m sure you have other things to take care of so pace yourselves and how often you meet. This goes for any romance, involving cancer or not.

[Andrina]

Since you've jumped into this, have a wait-and-see attitude. Regardless, block the married guy from your life, forever. And if this relationship doesn't work, be alone for a good long year. Learn how to be happy solo and work on your self-worth. Otherwise, you will continue your pattern of choosing inappropriate men.

[Kansasbbq10]

On 8/4/2022 at 2:12 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Is the cancer patient and the married man the same person? 

 2 different men . Have had on again off again but mostly on again involvement w the married guy for 5 years. We weren’t speaking during the time I met cancer patient

 

Here is my update. As always I told married man that if he continues to hide my existence from everyone and refuse a relationship with me… oh yeah and tell me “thank you” when I say I love him… then I’ll not owe or give him any explanations about dating other people. I went out with cancer patient last night and he walked me to my car and hugged/kissed me good night. Married man was stalking me, didn’t see him doing it and he’d lied saying he was elsewhere then out of nowhere started messaging that he had been secretly watching me. and went off the rails about how I obviously don’t really love him and that I’m a c*nt. He pressed me to still meet him this morning. I said if he didn’t love me back after almost 5 years and didn’t want a relationship W me then I didn’t want to see him in any capacity. Finally I met up w him this morning and he told me I’m a liar b*tch who obviously doesn’t love him if I can kiss anothrt man. I said he had explicitly stated he didn’t want a relationship w me and I should move on and do what I want. He continued berating and shaming me. I left without a word

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Finally I met up w him this morning

Why?

 

[Kansasbbq10]

I thought maybe something would help me get closure. I’m being stalked and called a c*nt for going on a date with someone else when married man has said 500x he wants no relationship with me and has never said he loves me back

[boltnrun]

Did you choose to continue to see the married man even after he told you 500x that he doesn't want a relationship with you?

If so, why?

[Kansasbbq10]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did you choose to continue to see the married man even after he told you 500x that he doesn't want a relationship with you?

If so, why?

When I try to move on to other guys he shouts at me and calls me a c*nt and b**ch for thinking I could be with anyone else 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

When I try to move on to other guys he shouts at me and calls me a c*nt and b**ch for thinking I could be with anyone else 

Why are you tolerating this? Delete and block him. 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

When I try to move on to other guys he shouts at me and calls me a c*nt and b**ch for thinking I could be with anyone else 

Do you find that attractive? Do you feel loved when he treats you like that?

When you imagine your ideal love relationship does it include being called those names?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

. I’m being stalked and called a c*nt for going on a date with someone else

Exactly. 

Why you then chose to go and meet him is beyond comprehension. It would be best if you didn't drag a recovering cancer patient into your personal drama. 

Leave him alone. He really doesn't need this, and you need to get yourself sorted out and into a healthy emotional place so you make more constructive life choices. 

[boltnrun]

That's a good point, @MissCanuck

Does the man you just started seeing again know about your involvement with the married man?

Honestly, you could easily end this involvement. I was being bothered by a man I used to date who didn't like that I had chosen to stop seeing him. I simply told him clearly to leave me alone, then I blocked him and changed my number. He tried contacting me a few more times via Facebook messenger but I had him blocked so the messages went to an archived folder.  I just never responded. And I never met up with him or gave him my new number. It can be done, but only if you truly want to end it.

[MissCanuck]

Not only that, but the very name of this thread is awfully ironic. 

OP, you called a person fighting cancer a jerk for respectfully calling it off when he couldn't give you what you wanted. And continued to berate him in this thread. 

Yet you go off to meet a lunatic, married stalker who called you names? And he's somehow not the jerk who brought you here? 

That makes zero sense.