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Dating a cancer patient… who is also a total jerk??


Kansasbbq10
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41 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

to listen to my details about a bad workday, but it’s another to curtly respond with “Well the day is over, right? So just forget about it” 

No one wants to hear someone complain about work nonsense. Especially if you are fighting for your life. He's not your mom or one of your girlfriends.

You need to date men your own age and who have time for you, but get out of the habit of boring people with work drivel.

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40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No one wants to hear someone complain about work nonsense. Especially if you are fighting for your life. He's not your mom or one of your girlfriends.

You need to date men your own age and who have time for you, but get out of the habit of boring people with work drivel.

He’d been working remotely throughout treatment and just days before had complained about a “boring” admin related story at his work… 

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24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I've asked this several times. Do you just not want to answer this question? 

Fair enough, I will. I liked a lot about him on paper/in appearances and then really did catch feelings bc I find that easy to do with the men who seem to need to be “fixed”- either emotionally not all in or, clearly in his case, physically in bad shape. I find men sexually attractive when they are stereotypical guy’s guys who aren’t great at communication or “soft” but it seems only I can break them down. Like my ex whom I was passionate about before this guy… self proclaimed antisocial personality disorder, most of our coworkers found him “dismissive” and would say he only listened to me/ I seemed to be the only one who could get through to him. Now we are back in contact w him telling me I’m the only person who can make him feel anything, any emotion, period. He’s so appealing to me 

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14 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Fair enough, I will. I liked a lot about him on paper/in appearances and then really did catch feelings bc I find that easy to do with the men who seem to need to be “fixed”- either emotionally not all in or, clearly in his case, physically in bad shape. I find men sexually attractive when they are stereotypical guy’s guys who aren’t great at communication or “soft” but it seems only I can break them down. Like my ex whom I was passionate about before this guy… self proclaimed antisocial personality disorder, most of our coworkers found him “dismissive” and would say he only listened to me/ I seemed to be the only one who could get through to him. Now we are back in contact w him telling me I’m the only person who can make him feel anything, any emotion, period. He’s so appealing to me 

So you like people who are projects or people totally not available. What are you running from inside yourself that you would like to avoid ? Usually people find people who are projects when they are avoiding fixing themselves. 

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7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

So you like people who are projects or people totally not available. What are you running from inside yourself that you would like to avoid ? Usually people find people who are projects when they are avoiding fixing themselves. 

I don’t feel I’m running from anything, but I can get very bored and feel emotionally empty with anyone who just clearly likes me and it isn’t a challenge or a question. I find them unattractive in that case and this especially means sexually- like, I just can’t stomach the thought of being with a man who is too sweet or “soft.” 
I’m generally kind of a harda** (some of this I think is due to my career), and I only feel my feminine, emotional, soft side can come out with a man who’s nowhere close to those things himself - like, I have to bridge the gap 

Edited by Kansasbbq10
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7 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I don’t feel I’m running from anything, but I can get very bored and feel emotionally empty with anyone who just clearly likes me and it isn’t a challenge or a question. I find them unattractive in that case and this especially means sexually- like, I just can’t stomach the thought of being with a man who is too sweet or “soft.” 
I’m generally kind of a harda** (some of this I think is due to my career), and I only feel my feminine, emotional, soft side can come out with a man who’s nowhere close to those things himself - like, I have to bridge the gap 

Has this approach resulted in successful, lasting and secure relationships?

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Look at who you're dating and that's who you think you deserve. You called him an ass and a jerk. You're lacking in self-worth, so subconsciously, you choose a person who is lacking. If you work on boosting your self-worth, likely you will begin finding sweet guys more appealing. Right now they are not appealing because dysfunction seems normal to you.

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35 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I don’t feel I’m running from anything, but I can get very bored and feel emotionally empty with anyone who just clearly likes me and it isn’t a challenge or a question. I find them unattractive in that case and this especially means sexually- like, I just can’t stomach the thought of being with a man who is too sweet or “soft.” 
I’m generally kind of a harda** (some of this I think is due to my career), and I only feel my feminine, emotional, soft side can come out with a man who’s nowhere close to those things himself - like, I have to bridge the gap 

But what you label as sweet and soft may be a person who is confident and from that position of confidence chooses to act in a thoughtful and caring way.  But not as a doormat.  You like the challenge and the thrill of the chase.  But that has nothing to do with caring about the person.  And it's not selfless.  It's self absorbed because you're focused on the feeling of being excited from winning the "prize" of a guy who looks hot and acts in an emotionally distant way. 

Sounds like you don't respect this person as you berate him and criticize him in these posts - you don't want him for that, but for a notch on your belt.  And once you win him over -poof -the chemistry will disappear too.  

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8 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Fair enough, I will. I liked a lot about him on paper/in appearances and then really did catch feelings bc I find that easy to do with the men who seem to need to be “fixed”- either emotionally not all in or, clearly in his case, physically in bad shape. 

Another reason to leave this man alone. 

He needs someone who has a healthier and more emotionally-mature notion of love. 

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Cancer takes a heavy toll on life. Patient may experience sadness, anxiety, anger, or even hopelessness. Relationships can experience changes in roles, responsibilities, physical and emotional needs, and intimacy and sex. Clear, two-way communication helps both people adapt as changes occur. 

Cancer and its treatment often affect sexual health. Depression, fatigue, nausea, erectile dysfunction, and other physical or emotional challenges may lower sex drive or make intercourse difficult or painful. Patients may feel anxious about this issue but be reluctant to talk about it. Everyone has different levels of comfort in talking about sexual health and intimacy. So even as a friend he may need your support. 

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I mean I ended up sending an empathetic and supportive message, and the fact that he couldn’t even respond with “thanks” … and all I’d done right from the start was give, spending time with his child & doing things for him when he couldn’t even express interest in meeting mine in the FUTURE… clearly I wasn’t getting sex, or nice nights out, or really anything… and I was still willing to discuss us being more than friends and him meeting my daughter “at some point”… I feel horribly for what he’s going through medically but it’s possible he’s also just not a very good guy…

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6 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I mean I ended up sending an empathetic and supportive message, and the fact that he couldn’t even respond with “thanks” … and all I’d done right from the start was give, spending time with his child & doing things for him when he couldn’t even express interest in meeting mine in the FUTURE… clearly I wasn’t getting sex, or nice nights out, or really anything… and I was still willing to discuss us being more than friends and him meeting my daughter “at some point”… I feel horribly for what he’s going through medically but it’s possible he’s also just not a very good guy…

It's possible he doesn't see typed messages as something he needs to prioritize and it's possible you have unrealistic expectations.  He may have not shown good manners or thoughtfulness in this one particular situation but really -you're going to label a cancer patient as "not a very good guy" because he didn't respond to what you typed to him that you saw as empathetic and supportive?  You chose to do the things you did and perhaps it's possible you need to work on your boundaries and work on what you value in a relationship -i.e. your penchant for chasing unavailable men and calling it love or whatever.

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8 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

he couldn’t even express interest in meeting mine

Your child should not even be meeting men you have casual dating arrangements with. It's over now so focus on co-parenting with the child's father. Has your ex been in contact with you again? Why not date single dads in your own age group?

Edited by Wiseman2
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9 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I mean I ended up sending an empathetic and supportive message, and the fact that he couldn’t even respond with “thanks” … and all I’d done right from the start was give, spending time with his child & doing things for him when he couldn’t even express interest in meeting mine in the FUTURE… clearly I wasn’t getting sex, or nice nights out, or really anything… and I was still willing to discuss us being more than friends and him meeting my daughter “at some point”… I feel horribly for what he’s going through medically but it’s possible he’s also just not a very good guy…

That may be possible. We don’t know. I can only infer as I’ve watched loved ones battle and die of cancer. I’ve been there before and after surgeries and helped to clean wounds and give injections for treatment. I’ve seen the depression and psychological scars long after their bodies have changed or altered with long scars and wasted or scooped out/reduced muscle use in arms while removing lymph nodes. And there’s more but I’ll spare you. 

It’s healthier to leave this for now and come back to you. Let this man go. A message can be interpreted as kind but a lack of response is also fine. When in giving like this do not expect back in return. You’re free to go and live your life. 

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10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your child should not even be meeting men you have casual dating arrangements with. It's over now so focus on co-parenting with the child's father. Has your ex been in contact with you again? Why not date single dads in your own age group?

No kidding! That’s why I was floored that he introduced me to his son then, when I mentioned meeting my daughter at some point in future once we may be more than friends, ghosted. Then why did he involve his own child and have me spend time w him on multiple occasions? The thought crossed my mind that as someone 20 years younger and (if I’m being honest) objectively a good catch / successful/ wealthy/ been told by many I’m very attractive, perhaps he was using me as a “look, ive still got it.” He’d always mention his ex wife had a boyfriend now, seemed to want to be cool to his almost teenage son, etc

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11 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

he thought crossed my mind that as someone 20 years younger and (if I’m being honest) objectively a good catch / successful/ wealthy/ been told by many I’m very attractive, perhaps he was using me as a “look, ive still got it.”

That's not objectively a good catch - that's a good catch for people who have those sorts of values (and stereotyped on certain shows/movies) and value wealth and looks as you describe in your definition of good catch. 

By contrast my "list" back then was someone compatible to what I brought to the table - a person of character and integrity with compatible religious values, educated, ambitious, financially stable, marriage and family oriented, physically fit (not 6 pack abs, just healthy), and attractive to me (chemistry/passion a must!).  I didn't care whether my list was objective or jibed with anyone else's. 

Some of my friends had your list -often it was because they weren't keen on being financially independent/didn't want to have to work outside the home to afford a certain lifestyle/ were very very focused on looks in a man and often height and all those other cliches of what makes a man attractive. 

 I have a friend who's daughter is divorced and is in her early 30s and extremely beautiful looking -she attracts sugar daddies.  She believes she is entitled to benefit from their wealth because she gives them companionship/arm candy in return.  She's had scary experiences as a result -been harassed, sued, etc.  She's very very smart and well educated but that's not what is attracting these men.

If what you listed is your good catch then go for it.  And accept the downsides that come with focusing on someone else's wealth and someone who looks "hot" in some sort of media/social media way.  

Edited by Batya33
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12 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

The thought crossed my mind that as someone 20 years younger and (if I’m being honest) objectively a good catch / successful/ wealthy/ been told by many I’m very attractive, perhaps he was using me as a “look, ive still got it.”

If that's true, then you must have men lining up at your door trying to break it down for a date.

Why worry about this one man if you've got scores of men wanting you?

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On 2/1/2022 at 10:49 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

I feel horribly for what he’s going through medically but it’s possible he’s also just not a very good guy…

Oh boy...I really, really do hope you never, ever endure something as horrible as cancer, and if one day you do, I hope you're never judged, criticized, like you're doing to this man.

You have no right to decide what he's capable of right now, or what he isn't. You don't know what he's trying to endure both mentally, or physically.

LET IT GO.

Move on, let it go...you are carrying this on and on and on, why? Because your ego couldn't handle rejection from someone who is really sick right now they can't think of YOU and your wants/needs/feelings...wow.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I had both my best friends die from cancer and this post is really triggering me.

People have tried to be helpful, tried to explain to you, given you good advice and yet you still can't be grown up enough to just let it go and let this man be.

Are you hurt? Yes...we can all see that, but sometimes as an adult you have to accept that it's not for you, and move on.

But to criticize this man WHOSE IN A HOSPITAL BED, and try to decide if he's a good man, or not, that's not even close to fair.

Just stop.

Edited by SherrySher
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Sorry, but it seems like bruised ego to me. You can't stand that there's ONE MAN out there who isn't falling all over himself to be with you. And you just HAVE to get him to want you. Well, that's because he has CANCER.  He's also not aware of your method of looking for men who are difficult and trying to convert them into fawning and begging over you.

You can obsess over this forever and spend years trying to wear him down into wanting to be with you, I guess. It's not the way I'd want to waste my time, but if it's important to you then I guess go ahead and keep reminding him you exist.

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This is pretty creepy behavior on your part OP, and if the sexes were reversed some of the posts would be stronger about you needing to leave this poor guy alone. Just because you're told you are hot does not entitle you to this guy's time or attention; doesn't matter what pace his initial dating rituals took, he wants to end things accept it.

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