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Dating a cancer patient… who is also a total jerk??


Kansasbbq10
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If it really wasn’t me then why cut me loose when all I did was express that I’d like us to be more than friends and for him to meet my daughter at some point? Honestly how worthless could I be if I was so present and giving for him and he dumped me???

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3 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If it really wasn’t me then why cut me loose when all I did was express that I’d like us to be more than friends and for him to meet my daughter at some point? Honestly how worthless could I be if I was so present and giving for him and he dumped me???

HE IS TOO SICK TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. 
I am not understanding what you don’t understand. 

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4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

HE IS TOO SICK TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. 
I am not understanding what you don’t understand. 

But the ass had no problem asking me out, having me spend the night a bunch of times (albeit only some cuddling ever happened), have me spend time w his kids, run errands for him etc… but how dare I allude to being more than friends or him meeting my child…

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1 minute ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If it really wasn’t me then why cut me loose when all I did was express that I’d like us to be more than friends and for him to meet my daughter at some point? Honestly how worthless could I be if I was so present and giving for him and he dumped me???

I apologize in advance for my blunt response here.  You're simply not getting it.  The guy is seriously ill and struggling right now with debilitating chemo treatment.  This means he cannot cope right now with a relationship and he did what he had to do - which is cut you loose.  Things changed and he changed his mind - he couldn't deal with all that a relationship needs. You need to get that into your head.  You need to learn to accept that it wasn't the right time and he is too ill to deal with this right now.  You need to stop being so bull-headed and stubborn and let this go.

For a little attitude change, try volunteering in a hospice, or a hospital, especially the cancer/chemo treatment wards to get a better understanding of what these people go through. A little empathy and sympathy goes a long way.  Right now, everything is all about "me, me, me, me, ...poor little me, I did so much.....how DARE HE do this to ME!!"  Time to get over yourself and look at the bigger picture.

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Just now, Kansasbbq10 said:

But the ass had no problem asking me out, having me spend the night a bunch of times (albeit only some cuddling ever happened), have me spend time w his kids, run errands for him etc… but how dare I allude to being more than friends or him meeting my child…

Obviously you have no idea how fast things change with cancer. But you keep making it about you. Be insulted all you want because it will definitely help. 

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1 minute ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

But the ass had no problem asking me out, having me spend the night a bunch of times (albeit only some cuddling ever happened), have me spend time w his kids, run errands for him etc… but how dare I allude to being more than friends or him meeting my child…

Sigh...he was feeling better. Then he had a course of chemo. I presume you have been lucky enough to never need chemo. I never have either, but I understand it's extremely unpleasant, to say the least.

To be so exceedingly angry and to make this about you is unfathomable.

I wonder if you responded as angrily to him as you have to the people on this forum.

I'm sorry you're furious and disappointed. But this is not about you. And your fury and disappointment are not going to bring him back to you.

You said you have a daughter. I'm sure she is an absolute joy. Spend time with her. Put this man in your past.

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I haven't had cancer but I was just trying to imagine what it would feel like. A couple of months ago I had COVID and though I'm actually fully vaccinated, I had it very badly. I was so sick and exhausted that I was only able to move to go to the toilet. I didn't eat much and lost like 3 kg in a week. My throat hurt so bad and coughed constantly. I had to fill in a COVID symptoms survey and receive a phone call from a COVID Care clinic every day for ten days and I dreaded their phone calls because I didn't feel the strength to actually answer the phone call. I also struggled even to answer other messages and calls from friends and family and replied very minimally just to let them know I'm OK.

I imagine cancer would be so much worse because the sickness is worse and it's actually ongoing. He probably did really over estimate his ability to actually be in a relationship. My guess is he asked you out because he did like you. As you said yourself, you didn't have sex so he wasn't in it just for that. He obviously liked your company.

But from everything you wrote, he was pretty sick even as you were dating. You said things like he'd just lie in bed for twelve hours. This isn't to say that someone with cancer doesn't deserve to be dated but I'm just wondering why you so badly wanted to actually date someone who's so unwell? I can see you really liked him but it's almost like a part of you actually wanted to take on that carer role? 

I actually also don't really see why you felt the need to take care of him this much. He was getting all the hospital treatments and I'm sure he has friends and family too. Don't forget that whatever it was you were doing was actually by your own choice. So I don't think you can really be angry because you wanted to do this. He didn't ask you to do it so he didn't really owe you anything.

I think maybe the whole cancer thing is really clouding your judgement. I'm just wondering if you were dating just your average man who's not sick and he ended it, would you be this angry? Having cancer doesn't just make him a helpless child. He's still allowed to feel like a relationship isn't working and to end it just like any other person. Maybe just try to look at it that way. I'm sure you've been through break ups before and you've broken up with people too. 

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7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I actually also don't really see why you felt the need to take care of him this much. He was getting all the hospital treatments and I'm sure he has friends and family too. Don't forget that whatever it was you were doing was actually by your own choice. So I don't think you can really be angry because you wanted to do this. He didn't ask you to do it so he didn't really owe you anything.

He’d ask me for things like picking him up so he could get new rims on his car, or running an errand for him. And I was spending time doing activities his son liked, yet the mention of meeting my daughter “at some point” means I need too much?! I literally phrased this as “so I mentioned why I prefer to wait longer to introduce my daughter, even though I appreciated meeting your son, and just haven’t heard from you about what page you’re on.” *** was the problem?

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5 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

He’d ask me for things like picking him up so he could get new rims on his car, or running an errand for him. And I was spending time doing activities his son liked, yet the mention of meeting my daughter “at some point” means I need too much?! I literally phrased this as “so I mentioned why I prefer to wait longer to introduce my daughter, even though I appreciated meeting your son, and just haven’t heard from you about what page you’re on.” *** was the problem?

Ok. Just leave it there. Don’t text or call him anymore. 

Don’t read into the issue meeting your daughter or not. He wasn’t feeling it so drop it. People are allowed to decline or end things if they feel it’s not working. 

 

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If he’s really sick and that’s why he’s not capable of a relationship, then why am I supposed to interpret his comments as personal rejection of me instead of feeling he just needs time to get better and he really does mean just not right now can we be more than friends?

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On 1/19/2022 at 9:11 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

When he first asked me out, he’d already had surgery to remove his cancer & radiation therapy, just a few more chemo rounds to go. I’d spend the night at his place but we only PG-cuddled, barely even kissed- he said he’d lost all sex drive w the cancer but would be ?

How long have you been dating? How did you meet?

You knew he had cancer and treatments when you met and perhaps underestimated what it entails.

Don't make this about you or your family. He can't handle you or a relationship with you and everything you want. 

So, end it gracefully and let him focus on his treatments.

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9 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

He’d ask me for things like picking him up so he could get new rims on his car, or running an errand for him. And I was spending time doing activities his son liked, yet the mention of meeting my daughter “at some point” means I need too much?! I literally phrased this as “so I mentioned why I prefer to wait longer to introduce my daughter, even though I appreciated meeting your son, and just haven’t heard from you about what page you’re on.” *** was the problem?

Why were you dropping your life, even time with your own child to do whatever with some guy you've barely known a few weeks? Are you his chauffeur? Are you his wife? Are you a paid nanny for his son? You've behaved like a person with zero boundaries. Why?

Please don't say, "because he asked me to" or "because that was how I could spend time with him" because you are a grown adult who should have healthier boundaries than that and know better than to play doormat or abandon her own life and priorities to go cater to someone she barely knows.

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8 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If he’s really sick and that’s why he’s not capable of a relationship, then why am I supposed to interpret his comments as personal rejection of me instead of feeling he just needs time to get better and he really does mean just not right now can we be more than friends?

Who said you're supposed to interpret his comments as a personal rejection of you?

I guess I don't understand why you're so furious. It's a short term dating situation that didn't end up working out. Breakups happen, even when we sometimes don't want them to. And this wasn't even a breakup. He just chose to stop dating after a few weeks.

Your anger is excessive, TBH.

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14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Who said you're supposed to interpret his comments as a personal rejection of you?

I guess I don't understand why you're so furious. It's a short term dating situation that didn't end up working out. Breakups happen, even when we sometimes don't want them to. And this wasn't even a breakup. He just chose to stop dating after a few weeks.

Your anger is excessive, TBH.

talking about him as someone who “chose to stop dating” paints a very different picture than someone who is acutely very sick and actually really likes me and meant what he said about “that can definitely change in the future.” I just don’t know how to tell what really going on

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17 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Honestly how worthless could I be if I was so present and giving for him and he dumped me???

This is your own inner dialog that is running the show. I don't see where he gave you the impression you were worthless.  You chose to go there.

Another possibility.  Men don't like feeling vulnerable and weak.  You are getting to know him when he is at his lowest.  Whether it's conscious or unconscious it's likely he ended it as a preemptive strike. 

Personally, as nice as this man might be, I would recognize that there are far more important things going on in his life and would choose to not get involved with him in a romantic way.  For this very reason.  He has nothing to offer at this time.

Happy healthy people end relationships at 60 days all the time.  You seem to think your request to meet your child and put a label on it as innocent, but it seems like a request to lock it down and commit.  It was obviously more than he can handle at the moment.  It doesn't make you worthless, unless you insist seeing yourself this way.

You have every right to feel disappointed that this didn't work out, but don't make this all about you.

Edited by reinventmyself
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49 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

talking about him as someone who “chose to stop dating” paints a very different picture than someone who is acutely very sick and actually really likes me and meant what he said about “that can definitely change in the future.” I just don’t know how to tell what really going on

Take what he said as the truth. He chose to stop dating because he is acutely ill and is physically and mentally unable to be in a dating situation.

He probably does really like you. But he just can't right now.

I was in a long term relationship when I became critically ill with a potentially life ending condition. I was hospitalized. I looked absolutely awful. I asked my boyfriend to please not visit me in the hospital. I didn't want him to see me that way. Once I was released (after 11 days) I stayed away from him for another couple of weeks because I was so physically sick I could hardly move. He didn't take it personally. He understood I was literally fighting for my life. And I had kids to raise too. Once I felt better I started spending time with him again.

But if he'd made my illness about him or reacted with angry, accusing texts I probably would have rethought our relationship. ETA: at one point my doctor told me I might have to have a colostomy. I had already decided if that happened I would have ended the relationship. Nothing to do with my boyfriend. I just couldn't imagine getting into bed with him while wearing a colostomy bag. I would have felt terribly self conscious, to say the least. 

Whether you like it or not, you have to accept he chose to stop dating you. Being furiously angry isn't going to change the situation or make it any better. And neither will negative self talk. 

Edited by boltnrun
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20 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

Lol, let’s just summarize, I’m so worthless that even after giving endlessly to someone for almost 2 months and asking for nothing in return, once I actually “asked for” anything- only that he could eventually meet my daughter once we were not just ambiguous “friends”- he drops me completely 

Going into victim mode isn't going to help you.

You made the choice to date someone with cancer, it didn't work out and he couldn't give you what you needed.

It's got nothing to do with worth, and everything to do with you got involved with someone who isn't well enough to reciprocate what was given.

Give the guy a break, he is fighting for his life.

It's not about you right now, I'm sorry, but it's not.

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17 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If it really wasn’t me then why cut me loose when all I did was express that I’d like us to be more than friends and for him to meet my daughter at some point? Honestly how worthless could I be if I was so present and giving for him and he dumped me???

Okay...you're missing the point that people are saying over and over.

He cannot give you anything right now as he is too ill.

That's all you need to know.

The rest of it, just doesn't matter right now. To you it does, and I know that you cannot and will not see his point of view.

Honestly, I doubt you ever will unless you ever find yourself struggling with cancer.

Only then will you see what we're trying to say.

As for the worthless, it's got nothing to do with worth and everything to do with....he cannot give you what he thought he might be able to, because he is too sick.

Please hear what people are trying to tell you.

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11 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I see what you all are saying… I’ve left him completely alone, no attempts at contact, maybe in a few weeks when I’d guess he’s feeling better I’ll ask how he is/say I miss him, but I don’t know..

No, don't lay a guilt trip on him or try to get him to feel bad about deciding not to date you anymore.  He has enough on his plate.

I presume you care about this man a lot.  If you do, please leave him to get on with his (hopeful) recovery.  

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12 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I see what you all are saying… I’ve left him completely alone, no attempts at contact, maybe in a few weeks when I’d guess he’s feeling better I’ll ask how he is/say I miss him, but I don’t know..

No because that’s about you mostly. Right now he doesn’t need your commentary.  He needs people who are doing the hands on help even if he’s irritable or cranky.  You don’t miss him as he is.  You miss the person you want him to be.  

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