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Dating a cancer patient… who is also a total jerk??


Kansasbbq10
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On 2/1/2022 at 11:49 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

I mean I ended up sending an empathetic and supportive message, and the fact that he couldn’t even respond with “thanks”

With all the info given, I would guess that he knew better than to respond because you've shown him that if he gives you an inch, you'll take a mile. He knew that that text message was loaded with expectations and that you were attempting to lasso him back into your orbit.

 

On 2/1/2022 at 11:49 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

and all I’d done right from the start was give, spending time with his child & doing things for him when he couldn’t even express interest in meeting mine in the FUTURE

Even if you've shoved a crush away from certain death by a rolling boulder or dig him out when he's buried in an avalanche, he doesn't owe you a promise of being your lifetime partner.

If you were floored by meeting his child within weeks of knowing him, why didn't you refuse to do what wasn't right for said child? It's like you were so enamored of a new acquaintance, you were pleasing him to the detriment of your own needs and against better judgment. Even though he welcomed your involvement at that time, when the watershed moment came up about the thought of meeting a woman's daughter (when you two weren't  even exclusive) he likely had a wake up call. 

As said before, he is poor at decision making, but you have no control over him. You should, however, be working on improving your own behavior and develop more realistic expectations.

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Accept the way he is personality and all.  His life is on the line, he's taking potent medications, undergoing chemo and his mind is not what you'll ever expect. 

Either accept him the way he is or if his personality and character are intolerable for you, you're the one who has to dissolve and exit the friendship he wants.  If friendship isn't good enough for you, then call it quits entirely.  It's all he is willing to offer. 

Both a friendship or relationship with him wouldn't be healthy for you anyway. 

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On 2/3/2022 at 1:11 AM, Kansasbbq10 said:

The thought crossed my mind that as someone 20 years younger and (if I’m being honest) objectively a good catch / successful/ wealthy/ been told by many I’m very attractive, perhaps he was using me as a “look, ive still got it.”

So this is it. 

Your ego is bruised because in spite of all the above, he doesn't want you. 

As I said before, you really need to get over yourself. 

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I went to see one of my dearest friends when she was dying of cancer -might have been right before she was actually in hospice.  We were joking around about regifting and she said that one of the gifts I'd gotten her while she was ill - a DVD of a cute movie I thought she liked - she'd regifted because she didn't like it. 

I mean -I don't care -but the person she was pre-cancer would have kept that to herself.  Of course I cut her slack and of course I assumed she might have more zingers like that -I just wanted to be with her if she wanted to be with me.  Prior to that she'd said some blunt stuff about my then relationship -again -from the perspective of my knowing how ill she was (she was in her early 30s) I took in her comments from that perspective. 

And when she was in hospice I called her husband to see if I could see her one last time.  He actually wasn't sure if he would let me and I wasn't sure if I was happy with him not letting me.  But I put them first.  Ahead of my needs. I only wanted to see her if she (and he, her spouse) thought it was a good idea.  I put myself aside, my need to see her one last time. He allowed it. 

But I never questioned him -I restrained myself -no pressure.  I got to see her one last time.  I was grateful.  But I learned so much -when someone is sick like that you have to figure out what they need from you -including space - not what you "need" or think the other person wants.  It's not easy but that's love, that is caring, that is empathy.  Not the self-absorbed stuff you've been persistently writing about here.  That's not about him.  At all.

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I went to see one of my dearest friends when she was dying of cancer -might have been right before she was actually in hospice.  We were joking around about regifting and she said that one of the gifts I'd gotten her while she was ill - a DVD of a cute movie I thought she liked - she'd regifted because she didn't like it. 

I mean -I don't care -but the person she was pre-cancer would have kept that to herself.  Of course I cut her slack and of course I assumed she might have more zingers like that -I just wanted to be with her if she wanted to be with me.  Prior to that she'd said some blunt stuff about my then relationship -again -from the perspective of my knowing how ill she was (she was in her early 30s) I took in her comments from that perspective. 

And when she was in hospice I called her husband to see if I could see her one last time.  He actually wasn't sure if he would let me and I wasn't sure if I was happy with him not letting me.  But I put them first.  Ahead of my needs. I only wanted to see her if she (and he, her spouse) thought it was a good idea.  I put myself aside, my need to see her one last time. He allowed it. 

But I never questioned him -I restrained myself -no pressure.  I got to see her one last time.  I was grateful.  But I learned so much -when someone is sick like that you have to figure out what they need from you -including space - not what you "need" or think the other person wants.  It's not easy but that's love, that is caring, that is empathy.  Not the self-absorbed stuff you've been persistently writing about here.  That's not about him.  At all.

Very well said. Thank you for putting that into words.

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On 2/2/2022 at 4:11 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

 meeting my daughter at some point in future once we may be more than friends, ghosted. Then why did he involve his own child and have me spend time w him on multiple occasions? The thought crossed my mind that as someone 20 years younger and (if I’m being honest) objectively a good catch / successful/ wealthy/ been told by many I’m very attractive, perhaps he was using me as a “look, ive still got it.” 

Someone fighting for their life can't promise a future.  They are just trying to get through the day.  And seeing you two are just friends, there are no guarantees.  These things unfold organically.  They can't be penciled in on a calendar.

I don't see where he promised you anything.   There may have been casual conversations about shared interests, but it seems you may have ran with it and interpreted something in exchange for your caregiving.  Though it was a gracious thing to do, you aren't entitled to expect a romance in return.  

I don't know why you insist on painting this man in a bad light. I suppose it makes you feel better.  But that's your ego talking.  Be better than that.

Why did you meet his son?  Only he knows. Maybe because he considered you just a friend and it didn't hold the same significance as you have.  You, in turn proposed meeting your child in an entitled exchange for your caregiving and attached a weighty expectation of a romantic commitment with it.  

This guy is super vulnerable.  I don't know of a person with chronic, devasting illness that isn't.  Noone made you take care of him.  You willingly did it, so he wasn't using you.  Next time, if you want to help someone, do it from good place without an expectation of a pay off in return.  It smacks of scorekeeping and given the situation, it isn't pretty.

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