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Dating a cancer patient… who is also a total jerk??


Kansasbbq10
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I would think right now the primary thing he's interested in is staying alive and getting to remission.

I would imagine his next item of interest is his children.

If you keep trying to insert yourself into his life you'll be frustrated, disappointed and angry that he's not giving you the attention you want.

And as someone else pointed out, if you feel he's a "total jerk" why do you want to stay in his life??

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21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Just leave the poor man alone, OP. 

He is fighting for his life. Now is not the time to keep him interested. That would be incredibly inappropriate and self-serving of you. 

Just. Stop. 

If so, then why did he pursue me, act romantic (as much as he could within his total inability to be sexual), ask me to run random errands and introduce me to his son? For something to randomly change is bizarre, especially just him meeting  my daughter in return someday 

 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If so, then why did he pursue me, act romantic (as much as he could within his total inability to be sexual), ask me to run random errands and introduce me to his son? For something to randomly change is bizarre, especially just him meeting  my daughter in return someday 

 

 

 

This question has already been answered multiple times in this thread by numerous people.

You just don't want to accept the answer.

You are furiously angry and say he's a "total jerk", yet you won't let this go.

Why not?

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8 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If so, then why did he pursue me, act romantic (as much as he could within his total inability to be sexual), ask me to run random errands and introduce me to his son? For something to randomly change is bizarre, especially just him meeting  my daughter in return someday 

 

 

 

Why are you so attached to someone you've barely known a couple of months, who couldn't even be a proper dating partner to you? You've literally known this guy 8 weeks - pretty much still complete strangers.

 

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13 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If so, then why did he pursue me, act romantic (as much as he could within his total inability to be sexual), ask me to run random errands and introduce me to his son? For something to randomly change is bizarre, especially just him meeting  my daughter in return someday 

You're hurt and that's fine. Just process that and let go. I think he saw that you both are not compatible very quickly and decided it was best to cut his losses. 

To be very frank, he's just not that into you.

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1 hour ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

If so, then why did he pursue me, act romantic (as much as he could within his total inability to be sexual), ask me to run random errands and introduce me to his son? For something to randomly change is bizarre, especially just him meeting  my daughter in return someday 

We have already explained this. 

Please go back and re-read the responses. 

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You're hurt and that's fine. Just process that and let go. I think he saw that you both are not compatible very quickly and decided it was best to cut his losses. 

To be very frank, he's just not that into you.

This is what I was referencing earlier- the part I really don’t see- he’s acutely going through hell, acknowledging that he can’t give what I need right now but that could definitely change in future, and you assess it as he’s just not into me/we aren’t compatible?

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9 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

This is what I was referencing earlier- the part I really don’t see- he’s acutely going through hell, acknowledging that he can’t give what I need right now but that could definitely change in future, and you assess it as he’s just not into me/we aren’t compatible?

You can interpret it however you want - that he's madly in love with you and sick so can't deal with a relationship right now. Wait around if you like. No one can stop you or tell you not to.

Is it in your best interests? Probably not. It goes back to being his carer and giving of yourself way too much in the beginning. 

No one is asking you to wait around now (he's certainly not) just like you didn't have to accompany him to chemo or care for him when he was ill. 

You get to choose what you want out of this life and if it's waiting around and hoping he wants to be with you again, you're free to do so. Just don't stay angry and bitter about it as your misery is your own making.

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14 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

This is what I was referencing earlier- the part I really don’t see- he’s acutely going through hell, acknowledging that he can’t give what I need right now but that could definitely change in future, and you assess it as he’s just not into me/we aren’t compatible?

One person said that. I personally disagree. I think he has enough on his plate trying to survive without adding a new relationship.

Do you truly think he's a "total jerk"? If so, why do you want to continue to date him?

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It'd be best to not stay friends, or even stay in contact, because he might never be open to dating you. It's best not to wait around for someone to be ready, because in the meantime, you could be letting great romantic prospects walk right on past while you're waiting around for an unknown. You only have so much brain power and emotional energy to devote to a love interest. Don't use it on someone who severed those ties with you, for whatever reason he did this, which is actually irrelevant. He might be truthful in why he broke up, and he might have fudged the truth to not hurt your feelings or cause drama and arguments. You might never know, and that's okay, even if frustrating. You only need to accept this is likely totally done, for your own good.

Is there a possibility he might one day contact you and say he is healthy in mind and spirit and wants to date you? Yes, but it's best not to put yourself on ice, holding out for that. 

Go on with your life as you did before you met him. And frankly, I question someone who was comfortable asking a person he barely knows, a single mother especially, to be running errands for him. I, myself, am uncomfortable about asking people for favors, and very rarely do, even with people I know extremely well, such as immediate family and close friends. His decision-making in many areas leaves a lot to be desired. Perhaps see it as a favor that he let you go so you can be free to meet someone who's a bit wiser in that department.

 

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It makes no sense- this was a person not only wanting me to be around his son but also wanting to spend a holiday together.. calling me romantic nicknames… from the way he acted the prospect of meeting my daughter should have been good like, “ok at least she’s talking about reciprocating something someday!”

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4 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

It makes no sense- this was a person not only wanting me to be around his son but also wanting to spend a holiday together.. calling me romantic nicknames… from the way he acted the prospect of meeting my daughter should have been good like, “ok at least she’s talking about reciprocating something someday!”

It doesn’t have to make sense to you. It’s not an insult to you or your family either. 

You will just have to accept it, whether it makes sense or not, as he has the choice not to want to be with you whatever his reasons are. I don’t think it has anything to do with your daughter. 

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7 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

 the way he acted the prospect of meeting my daughter should have been good like.

How old is he and how severe is his cancer? What is his prognosis?

These are huge factors you seem to be ignoring. For example it sounds grave considering he was treated with surgery, radiation and chemo.

How did you meet? Was he on dating apps knowing his prognosis?

You're focusing on nonsense like relationship milestones regarding meeting family.

You also were nice to visit him in the hospital and care, but you need to more realistic about his prognosis and why you would start dating someone in the throes of chemo.

Edited by Wiseman2
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14 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

It makes no sense- this was a person not only wanting me to be around his son but also wanting to spend a holiday together.. calling me romantic nicknames… from the way he acted the prospect of meeting my daughter should have been good like, “ok at least she’s talking about reciprocating something someday!”

With all that he's going through, he mistakenly thought he could handle it.  When he was in the middle of it, he realized the reality of the bad timing.   Don't make it more complicated than necessary.

No doubt a person would appreciate the caregiving, the attention when they need it most.  He is in a very vulnerable situation.  But when asked to reciprocate he realized he had nothing to offer.  He should have recognized this. But at the same time you should have been assessing the risk of your own investment.   

I said it earlier.  This is not an investment I would have made, given the circumstances.  His current situation makes him unavailable.

But having said all this, your continued resistance to even consider the unanimous advice given makes one wonder if there is something about your relentless persistence that may have been off putting to him.

Walk away with grace.  It will serve you better than going about it the way you are.

Edited by reinventmyself
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On 1/25/2022 at 4:36 AM, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he and how severe is his cancer? What is his prognosis?

These are huge factors you seem to be ignoring. For example it sounds grave considering he was treated with surgery, radiation and chemo.

How did you meet? Was he on dating apps knowing his prognosis?

 

We had mutual friends online and he started messaging me the way you would if interested on an app. He’s referenced using dating apps a long time ago, not sure about more recently. He is almost 20 years older than me. Prognosis seems good, I saw 85% cure rare in one study for his circumstances, other sources give more like 60% 5year survival. 
I’m being bashed here but truly I feel I have been a selfless woman dating . When I asked if he was ok yesterday, he responded and asked how I was, but all I’ve said about myself is I’m well and just kept the message about him- you’re so strong, hope every day gets better and you’re able to enjoy time with your son. I did not even tell him to let me know if I can do anything for him, after people’s advice here to back the heck off and leave him alone. No more “intrusive” offers to help or be there for him… what else can I be doing to be criticized now?

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3 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

No more “intrusive” offers to help or be there for him… what else can I be doing to be criticized now?

Let's not forget you came here asking for advice.  Noone is going to tell you only what you want to hear. But in it's place unfiltered, objective advice.

Either way, your text appeared positive and appropriate.  Good for you. It seemed you may have paid attention to the advice you were seeking.  Not sure why you shared it just to end it being snarky.

Edited by reinventmyself
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9 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

We had mutual friends online and he started messaging me the way you would if interested on an app. He’s referenced using dating apps a long time ago, not sure about more recently. He is almost 20 years older than me. Prognosis seems good, I saw 85% cure rare in one study for his circumstances, other sources give more like 60% 5year survival. 
I’m being bashed here but truly I feel I have been a selfless woman dating . When I asked if he was ok yesterday, he responded and asked how I was, but all I’ve said about myself is I’m well and just kept the message about him- you’re so strong, hope every day gets better and you’re able to enjoy time with your son. I did not even tell him to let me know if I can do anything for him, after people’s advice here to back the heck off and leave him alone. No more “intrusive” offers to help or be there for him… what else can I be doing to be criticized now?

Did he reply back to you after that? 

It would be good if you both left it on a good or positive note. 

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9 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

We had mutual friends online and he started messaging me the way you would if interested on an app. He is almost 20 years older than me. Prognosis seems good, I saw 85% cure rare in one study for his circumstances, other sources give more like 60% 5year survival. 

There's nothing wrong with befriending him, but he is not in a situation to date.

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On 1/26/2022 at 4:58 PM, Rose Mosse said:

Did he reply back to you after that? 

It would be good if you both left it on a good or positive note. 

No. Who doesn’t even acknowledge a message like that with “thanks”? The whole time he was a pretty lousy texter and I wonder if maybe he’s just a jerk not emotionally capable of much. I mean, it’s one thing to be too exhausted/unwell/checked out to listen to my details about a bad workday, but it’s another to curtly respond with “Well the day is over, right? So just forget about it” 

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7 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

No. Who doesn’t even acknowledge a message like that with “thanks”? The whole time he was a pretty lousy texter and I wonder if maybe he’s just a jerk not emotionally capable of much. I mean, it’s one thing to be too exhausted/unwell/checked out to listen to my details about a bad workday, but it’s another to curtly respond with “Well the day is over, right? So just forget about it” 

So you’re “selfless” (which is not a requirement for dating - I mean sometimes but not as a rule - that would feel really strange to be in a relationship with someone who never needed or asked for anything) - but yet you’re selfless and expect a particular type of response to your venting and if it’s not to your liking it’s labeled as some emotional problem. Why would you vent to him in the first place if your goal is to be selfless ??

maybe he should have been more direct if he was tired of receiving texts like that from  you- but I can see from his perspective that even if you have a bad day you don’t have cancer. 

Edited by Batya33
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I think this is just a special circumstance where there shouldn’t be much expectations until he’s healthy.

My father was battling cancer and had chemotherapy and would sleep lots also. Before he was one of the hardest workers I knew, working 16-18 hour days 7 days in a row for 6 months straight sometimes… even when retired with an injured knee and shoulder, he would still get up every morning and renovate properties to flip and work and be active every…single…day.

Then cancer hit hard. He had to take chemotherapy, shots, medications that blocked his testosterone. He would sleep 12 hours or more each day. Felt very sorry for him at one point he said he’d consider suicide if it got worse, he didn’t want to be a burden on the family or anyone to feel sorry for him. 
 

There’s a lot more suffering from the medications, hormone imbalances with testosterone blocked, and feeling tired all the time, not to mentioning thinking you may die, especially with Covid.

Of course he could snap at me sometimes, but he was still my dad and I loved him dearly and know deep down he’s a great guy going through one of the most scariest hardest times in his life.

He was a rough tough oil working guy that drove motorcycles and loved my mom dearly. Was the first time I really seen him cry 😢 

Now last month, the medication worked and his cancer is down to zero. 
 

But I think it’s such a difficult thing for someone to go through, way more difficult than we can ever know, the tireredness from medications, fear, etc.

so even if snappy I think out of appreciation and respect since he is fighting for his life, he needs a little more special understanding… 

Hopefully it will just be temporary and he’ll pull though and be almost cured like my father, but I think in times like these we should have no expectations, have exceptional understanding, and just be there and try to make their day a little better regardless of how irritable or whatever they could come across from the cancer treatments..

it’s not easy, but there is definitely hope with advanced treatment to overcome it.

Edited by mical
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