Girlfriend becoming distant, having hard time dealing

[Erich_132]

Hi! I'm sure this will be long, I apologize. Hopefully some of you enjoy reading. 🙂

We met online in April of this year. I'm 47, she is 42. I moved to a new place for work, and who knows how long I'll be working here on this project. A year, two, three, etc. It's up in the air. 

She has a young child, (elementary school age) and we live about an hour and a half apart. She is highly educated (bilingual, successful in business, master's degree, etc)

We chatted online for quite awhile before meeting. When we finally met we had a nice day together and ended with a kiss. We both knew this isn't likely to become a "forever" thing (she is committed to her job and wants/needs her child's dad's involvement), but I don't date people I don't genuinely enjoy being with, so it's not just a fling for me. 

Anyway, things progressed naturally and very organically. It just felt right. We were both very comfortable with each other, and she shared a lot about her life with me. Past and present. This is a bit unusual for, according to her, because she isn't generally comfortable discussing her personal life with others. But she did with me. She was also very open physically with her likes, wants, needs and desires, again something she is normally uncomfortable talking about, but with me she wasn't. 

The spring and summer were great. We are both quite busy, and the drive time really did limit our time together. But we would spend the time we had exploring places, having dinner or lunch, and of course being intimate with each other. She kind of brought me back to life. I wasn't sure I could be physically and emotionally strongly attracted to someone anymore, but she showed me I could be. The time together was always amazing. She even traveled to meet me on a work trip.

Things got tougher in fall. Work got busier (for me for sure), I traveled back home for a few weeks, she had to travel for family, and she also started an online college course. Things started to get ugly with her and her ex, meaning there was less shared work raising the child. So more on her plate.  

I screwed up at this time. I got so busy my normally frequent texts dropped off. She'd message and it could be five hours before I responded. It wasn't avoidance, but I certainly realize now that I didn't understand how much that communication was needed by her, and I wasn't prioritizing her. She made a comment about me feeling distant, and that things felt like they had changed. This really concerned and bothered me. Not angry she said it, except at myself.

After that, I changed my behavior. I increased communication. I made every effort to be available physically and electronically. Her communication from then on however is usually distant, brief, and emotionless. At this point, I haven't seen her in over a month. Twice a month would have been the minimum before. 

She has told me her work is crazy busy now. Meeting after meeting, even after work hours (definitely a change) And of course difficulties basically being a single parent now. COVID is a real downer for her, she likes to get out, and travel, and with this new variant she has been very negative about it all. Worry about having to homeschool again, missing work socialization, etc.

I probably have zero reason to distrust her. Apparently I have some anxiety and self doubt, because I'm very, very stressed about what I'm seeing. Not sleeping, spending way too much time analyzing every thing she tells me, or says she is doing, etc. Definitely unhealthy. 

I'll give one example of what put me over the top last, and why I woke up at 2am the next day and couldn't sleep more. She has zero time to meet me she says. Again, work (which we have both taken a few hours from to see each other before, and had talked about doing again, and I even have more time now), and the child care issues. Anyway, when I suggested meeting in a week (my schedule up until then was already shot), she told me she had a "work dinner thing" that evening. She has told me about them before (fairly common for her work for the group to go out for dinner), and we'd even talked about getting together after one in the future. The week of the dinner, she tells me that it's with one co-worker (female). Then later (the night of) she tells me that it's not about work, it's dinner with a former work friend. In idle conversation she tells me she thinks it's at 800pm, and that she thinks it's a Chinese restaurant they are going to. That all strikes me as odd, having had it planned for over a week, and minor bits of the story changing...even that is unusual as she is always precise. And it's unlike her to be off of a schedule at any time, a comment she made to me at one point was about not wanting our time to feel scripted as that's her life every day. Back to this story. She tells me she has to get a COVID test for dinner. We chat back and forth a bit, then at 730 she says she is heading out. An hour later I send her a smiley face text, which she doesn't open (unusual until recently). I have to get to bed, so I send a text saying goodnight. At midnight (work night, up at 6am for both of us) I get a message "goodnight". Super unusual to be out that late on a work night. Next day she asks how I slept, I'm honest, slept bad. Why? Because I didn't hear from her and was worried. "But I texted you when I got home". I'll note that she is pretty much never on her phone when we are together, but in the past obviously had been messaging me when around friends, coworkers, her family, etc. Long periods of unread or unresponded to messages were unheard of before. Now she will go out for a walk and be gone for an hour with no contact. Often the length of time we would have seen each other in the past.

I've asked her point blank if there is someone else. She says there isn't, and that she wouldn't do that. She says she still wants to see me. But feels pressured into meeting and that's not enjoyable, which I get. She's told me before Im trying too hard to make a meeting happen. So I've transitioned to just letting her know when I'm free and asking if she is, giving her as much notice as I can. I have no choice but to ask, she hasn't suggested we get together for over a month. It's always me...so I'm kind of stuck I feel, wanting to meet, but knowing asking kind of irritates her, even when I know I have time I can make myself free if I knew she was free. I want to see her, she wants to see me, but asking to meet is too much? I've given up on asking to see her just for a few minutes between her scheduled events, "not satisfying," to meet for a couple of minutes to see each other. 

Ive also asked point blank when she talks about how stressful things are, if I'm adding to that, and if I need to basically stop bothering her. Shes responded no twice to that.

She has workout classes once or twice a week, so technically she could be free then (but I'd not, and have never, asked her to choose me over whatever else she has going on). I've noticed multiple times now that what I consider easy ways to make time together, she doesnt take advantage of. 

We never talk about being together sexually, that was a fun outlet for both of us prior. She used to send me pictures (racy and non) regularly, two-three a week, maybe two the last month, and zero talk about being intimate, which is also a huge change. I asked, she says she feels unlike herself, the stress of life is weighing her down, our situation feels off, and that all makes her not feel sexual. I understand actually, even if I don't feel the same way. I don't bring it up now.

We talked (phone) yesterday, and we both laughed and it felt good. But then into the no chat for 4+ hours, and everything is fine because I got a text after. I've tried (not to be a jerk, for my own sanity) to shut WhatsApp, try and forget the situation, and not open it for hours. Then the question is why I didn't message, it's "unusual" for me to not message for that much time. I mentioned that I'm working on getting extended for another year, she responded "I hope it works out for you". When I said she was a big part of me trying to stay, no acknowledgement that I even said it. She says she needs to get through the holidays. I fully appreciate her position regarding her schedule. 

Really don't know how to approach this. Just looking for hopefully friendly advice. I know my anxiety and obsessing over this is my own problem, and unhealthy, but it emotionally hurts a ton, and it's hard to cope with. I don't feel I have adequate tools to do so. Any pointers? She has time for other stuff, but not me? I understand needing balance, but I'm not a part of that at all it seems. I can hold on, I can be patient. Im not going to feel I've wasted time if it ultimately doesnt work out. I'm not interested in giving her an ultimatum, I have no indication she is doing this on purpose to make me feel bad, it's just the situation. But I have to figure out how to handle this and see where things go. I honestly don't see her schedule changing after the holidays, but I know mine will mean less freedom.😕

Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks. I know it's quite rambling, but it's how it goes in my head. Just a swirling mix of feeling good and feeling terrible depending on the days events. 

 

 

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

when I tend to over analyze and stress over someone it’s a good indicator that person doesn’t meet my needs. What I mean by this, is it sounds like you need quality time and better communication from a partner. You’re obsessing because you’re not having those needs met. 
 

it’s a natural thing to do. There’s no such thing as too busy. If someone is genuinely interested in you they will make time. They will do things like go out of their way for you.

 

One guy a long time ago that was  interested in me used to drive an hour from where they lived to spend time with me each weekend. He also had a full schedule and a lot on his plate. I took that for granted but I was only 18 at the time and didn’t put it together his interest.

 

You see the signs she’s not as invested. It’s because she’s unfortunately not. 
 

you need someone different and who will always be available to you. I dont mean they drop what they’re doing and cater to you. I mean that you’re in their thought process. Not an after thought.

[Erich_132]

I appreciate the response. Sometimes we need to be smacked in the face with reality. It's the obvious answer, but anxiousness and stress cloud logic. 

Id love to hear any other takes though. Im not fishing for what I'd rather hear lol, I can still be rational. 

[Kwothe28]

She really told you that you are trying too hard to make a meeting happened? The Lion, The Witch and the audacity...

Nobody is that busy that they cant even see you. I understand the job, kid and everything, but if she wants to see you she would fit you in her schedule as she did before. She just wont. Its an indication that she just doesnt want to see you from some reason. Now you may ask why she just doesnt break up things then? Well, some people like attention. And she probably doesnt have much time to date in general so you orbiting around her suits her until she finds somebody else. There is somebody to listen to her, to give kind words etc. 

Problem is, that doesnt suit you, you want more. And in a situations where your needs arent met, you should just turn around and try to find somebody else who would be a better fit.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

. 🙂

We met online in April of this year. I'm 47, she is 42. I moved to a new place for work, and who knows how long I'll be working here on this project. 

Did you move for work before or after you met online? It's unclear why you would pursue a distance situation with a busy single working parent.

It seems like you avoid relationships in general because of untreated anxiety and depression and for this reason you chose something nonviable.

[Erich_132]

And I quote "I know you’re trying. Maybe stop trying so hard. I don’t want rushed high pressure 15 minute craziness"

I should probably just rip the band-aid off, but I'm thinking I'll just turn my expectations off and let it fade. 

[Erich_132]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you move for work before or after you met online? It's unclear why you would pursue a distance situation with a busy single working parent.

It seems like you avoid relationships in general because of untreated anxiety and depression and for this reason you chose something nonviable.

Moved for work before. That's part of the issue. We both had time before this happened. She was a single parent but had the ex participating...now he's not. So there is definitely less time available. 

I don't think I sought out something non viable, certainly not consciously. I didn't know much of her situation before meeting. I knew about her of course, but digging into family before knowing how we got on seems like poor form. 

 

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Erich_132 said:

Moved for work before. That's part of the issue. We both had time before this happened. She was a single parent but had the ex participating...now he's not. So there is definitely less time available. 

I don't think I sought out something non viable, certainly not consciously. I didn't know much of her situation before meeting. I knew about her of course, but digging into family before knowing how we got on seems like poor form. 

 

Distance situations are very difficult to maintain. It's lonely, the logistics are awful and there's no where to go further.

Why won't you date locally? And date someone available who's not a busy working parent?

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.  Or impossible situations. That's the case here. 

If and when you get your anxiety and depression treated and under control, consider dating local available women.

[Erich_132]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why won't you date locally? And date someone available who's not a busy working parent?

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.  Or impossible situations. That's the case here. 

If and when you get your anxiety and depression treated and under control, consider dating local available women.

I'll date locally, but she happened to be one that really caught my eye (figuratively and literally), and in my experience, an hour and a half isn't a long distance. We often split it in any case, so it worked well enough, when that 45 minutes wasn't so precious to her. 

I don't quite get the unavailable comment, although we both probably knew that any change to either of our schedules would complicate things greatly. I feel I made myself feel unavailable to her first, and now the shoe is on the other foot, although not in retaliation. 

As to anxiety and depression, limichelle seems to maybe work like I do. I don't feel depressed or anxious until things start to not feel right. In this case it was about 7 months before that happened, and was obviously attributable to the circumstances. I'll ride this wave of negativity down, then I'll be ok and back to feeling "normal". It's not like I was anxious or depressed every day or even infrequently when things were seemingly ok, even with separation for weeks. As the hints started to pile up that we emotionally feel different about each other, that's when the negativity started to set in. 

Definitely been down this road before with the emotions, it's in me.

[Batya33]

From the beginning she put the kabosh on anything serious by expressing this was not going to be a forever thing.  She told you why.  You chose to get attached.  She didn't get as attached and not in any long lasting way -consistent with what she told you right up front.  People who see any potential at all for the future never say this -because people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  It gives her more pleasure to live her life -her hectic life -as she pleases rather than prioritize you in the way you would like her to.  

I'm sorry.  Her life is very busy and if she was really into you she'd make it work somehow or would have ended it, telling you honestly - I can't make this work logistically and I will be in touch if I can (meaning if there is a different custody arrangement or she goes to part time work, etc etc) -she is content to see you when it's convenient for her.  She basically told you this up front and you chose not to listen. 

By analogy- I am never -with rare exception -the person to pull the "you don't understand because you do not have a kid" garbage.  But I felt like yesterday -a male friend who was a stepfather long ago for a few years-  will be in town briefly this weekend to see aging relatives. He had two options for us to see each other (including me and /or my son and husband) - one was tonight at a holiday event. 

Two was Monday for an early lunch where I'd have to commute by subway close to an hour each way.  I told him nicely that tonight would not work given my child care responsibilities and my child's state of mind when he gets back from school sometimes close to 6pm, starving and exhausted -in no condition to get in a car for over a half hour in rush hour to go to an event outside in the cold. 

Monday I told him my husband had meetings and given the covid variant -and my booster today - I didn't want to be on a subway for that long and meet for lunch with a person along who I don't know.  Didn't feel safe and I also have a job.

He was sort of ok about it but pushed back too much "your son would love the holiday event" and other push backs with cluelessness about my responsibilities (and it would be the same if my responsibility was work-related and/or I was caring for an aging parent, etc).  I think she thinks you might not "get it" completely with your kinda dismissive reference to her child/custody arrangements.  Yes if she was that into you she'd make that work but consider that you might not really get it and that makes her frustrated when you give her push back.  

[lostandhurt]

It sucks to finally meet someone, have it go really well and then just change.

We always want to know why don't we?  This is the problem though because we want to fix it so it goes back to the way it was.

What if the issue isn't something you can control?  What do you do?   This is probably the hardest part because if it was you then you could simply work on the problem and things would be good again.  Unfortunately in this instance it isn't you, it is her.

  This is where you need to accept that you have zero control over how she feels and what she wants. You are no longer a priority in her life and it doesn't matter why, it only matters that this is the way she feels.  It sucks I know but you cannot make her want to see you can you?

This is where accepting the situation on face value comes in.  You want to see her and are willing to Make Time for the relationship and she is not.  I am sorry but sometimes there isn't a fix or a solution other than acceptance.

 She should be honest with herself and you and tell you what is really going on but she hasn't which makes this thing linger.  Nobody knows why she  has turned cold on you but she has.  I doubt it was anything you did so let that go.

  What to do?  Stay busy with work (no problem for you)  to keep you occupied and not obsessing over this.  Then get back to your life by hanging out with friends, talking to family, doing things you enjoy and on and on.  Use your free time like you did before you met her.

  How to approach communication with her?   You don't want to end it and have hope it will improve so don't play games but don't sit by the phone either.  When you do talk/text/chat bring up the fun things you have been doing, the success at work, outings with friends and leave the US talk off the table.  As time passes you will see the answer and then accept it and either move forward with her or wish her well and tell her if her life situation ever becomes less hectic so she can enjoy a deep connection with someone to look you up and if you are single you can talk.

  I know you are thinking of buying her a nice xmas gift to help this along. I simple gift with a nice card wouldn't be a bad idea but nothing to expensive.  Make it special, not expensive.

  Lost

[SherrySher]

7 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

We both knew this isn't likely to become a "forever" thing

Well, first of all, you started off being very noncommittal about the whole thing. Not really telling each other what you want, or don't want. Saying you don't want a fling, but then saying outright that it's not a "forever" thing. A very shaky foundation the begin with.

Moving on, it seemed odd that she mentioned a few times when you didn't text or make much of an effort, and then when you did, she made excuses as to why she didn't want to get together, or see you.

It almost sounds like she's no longer interested in you, but wants the ego stroke now and then that you're still hanging around in the background whenever she feels like picking you back up.

You're slowly fading into friend-zone what with the chats, but no excitement anymore, no racy pics anymore, and things becoming more and more bland.

I hate to say this, but this sounds like it's not going anywhere, and although you're still talking, it's dying a slow death and doesn't have much promise.

I wouldn't call this a girlfriend either, I would call this someone you chat with, met up a few times with, but it didn't work out.

It's best to just lay your chips out and tell her you can see things aren't going well anymore and you're not sure that it's going to last. (Not in an anxious, clingy, or desperate way), but in a matter of fact way.

Realistically, you've both got too many things in the way for it to amount to much.

[Andrina]

If you can't close the distance within a year, LDRs rarely work, and especially when there already hasn't been a strong foundation built beforehand.

Really, at the time you asked for that meet up and she said she had a work dinner, that was when you should have realized the ball was then in her court to suggest when she wanted to meet. It's a great way to gauge a new partner's interest or lack of interest. And if week after week went without any mention of a get together by her, you set a personal deadline and decide the person doesn't meet your companionship needs.

I think it was rude of you to text her when you knew she was eating dinner with someone--an intrusion. From what you said, asking her if she was seeing someone else, I would've read between the lines and saw the text as: "Remember me? They guy you're dating? So I hope you're doing what you've said and meeting with a woman and not doing something you shouldn't be doing." I'm sure it was also a real turn-off for her to be asked if she was cheating, assuming you're exclusive, because of your mental gymnastics of reading into her communication about the dinner and also how you grilled her about the details. Perhaps she was vague because she thought you would "surprise" her by showing up at the restaurant.

An hour and a half really is a hardship. Perhaps it didn't seem that way during the beginning highs of the relationship, but out of that period, it grows to be overwhelming. If you visited Italy, Japan, Vermont, Texas, you could likely find one or more women who would "catch your eye" and whom you'd share chemistry with. It doesn't mean you should date them when you're just visiting and don't live there. This is the same situation. I also limited myself to a 45 minute drive when I did OLD.

My ending comment? Don't cross an ocean for someone who won't even leap over a puddle for you.

[Erich_132]

Batya33: I hear you. Yes I got attached to someone that probably did make it clear she wouldn't get attached. Full disclosure: she had said prior that she didn't see herself getting married again. She valued her own space too much. I didn't see reciprocation when I talked about caring for her and what not, that's a sign. I saw it, but when my needs are being met, it's not a problem lol. I have a child as well, which is one reason I'm hesitant to say that she isn't prioritizing me when she should be, and I'm certainly not dismissive of her responsibilities at work and for her child. But if you can choose a dinner with a friend over me OR your child, when you know I am free, obviously you feel you have free time, and that your parental responsibilities at that time are being taken care of. I don't feel it can be a two way street, except if I'm less important than her other friends. I want to be clear, I've NEVER tried to force her into a meeting. No guilt trip, no suggestions of how she could make it work, etc. Only that I'm free these days and I'd do x, y, or z to see her then, and I'm not doing that anymore either. I know if she wanted to, time would be made.

Lost: yes, I feel deeply for her and wish it would work out. But I realize I can't control others so it's her choice now. I have no intent to buy her anything. Not to be nasty, just don't think she'd appreciate anything anyway. Not from me at this point. If you don't value me, then how is a gift from me meaningful? We had planned to be in the same area this weekend (again, her en route to do some shopping, no time) and we were going to briefly see each other, and my plan was to slip a note into her coat pocket that she would see later. We had a saying for each other, I was just going to write that on the note. 

Sherry: You make fair statements. She has stated that she doesn't know how she feels about everything in general now, and that includes me. It's hard to differentiate crushing stress from disinterest as being her motivation to cool off. Except the whole choosing to meet friends over me. 

I appreciate the comments everyone, it does help to think about it, type it out, and get opinions from those who aren't invested. 🙂

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

We both knew this isn't likely to become a "forever" thing

This  is choosing unavailable people so you can have short term then have a built in exit.

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

I got so busy my normally frequent texts dropped off. She'd message and it could be five hours before I responded. It wasn't avoidance, but I certainly realize now that I didn't understand how much that communication was needed by her, and I wasn't prioritizing her.

So you got too busy to communicate. Now she's too busy. I would think since you did the same thing it wouldn't rattle you so much when she does it.

However, bottom line is this isn't going to be a committed love relationship. You knew this from the beginning. If you want more, you're going to have to find someone who also wants more.

[SherrySher]

It's not the best situation. Unfortunately, you chose someone who has a lot of restrictions (as do you), in making this go anywhere.

It's causing you both anxiety, stress, upset, and it sounds like it's work. It should never feel like it's forced, or that you have to really have to keep trying to get the other persons attention again.

You have more struggle now then you do happiness. That's a huge sign that this isn't working.

If you lived close by and could see one another everyday and could work on being closer physically and mentally, then yes, you'd have a chance...but that's not the case and you're trying to get something to work that just has too many issues.

[Erich_132]

Andrina, I think perhaps my format threw you off. I don't think it changes things, but I feel maybe it makes me look like I've done wrong where I don't feel I have. At this point we've been with/seeing each other for 7 months. The" work dinner" was this week. So that JUST happened. But don't get me wrong, there have been previous times (also recent) where I was clearly not the priority, it's just been building it seems. Previously shorter periods of time, which I can understand from her perspective, if she is being honest about wanting longer periods together and the shorter ones not being what she wants. Don't ask me how those red letters got there. 

I didn't consider it rude when she was texting me when she knew I was having Thanksgiving with my family, or when she texted me when I was at a friend's anniversary dinner. The whole 7 months, we knew if the other doesn't respond,they are doing something but eventually will when they could, but not hours later (except when I messed up). Work,childcare, shower, driving, dinner out, etc. Normally with a word about what we've been doing. That dinner was far outside of the normal in every regard. She's entitled to do what she likes, I'm just pointing out something that is glaringly unusual. Would it hurt more if she was actually cheating?Probably. But does it make a difference? Not really. I don't think there are any mental gymnastics being done when increasing periods of time of no contact start happening, and inconsistencies in behavior begin to appear.

Like I said originally. I have zero reason to not trust her. But I let my brain go to the worst case scenario, and in that view, the pieces fit. I'm not saying that IS what is happening, simply that looking at things in the worst possible way makes it seem possible. I just have to continually remind myself that she's been honest with me as far as I know, and that it's not worth worrying about. 

I did not ask her about seeing someone else in conjunction with that dinner. That was days before. She doesn't offer much information up, and obviously something was wrong since communication was so...limited, and I just wanted to make sure she wasn't trying to protect my feelings or something along those lines. Just put it out there. I asked if there was someone else, and she said no. Since she said no, that's why I asked her if she wanted me to back off, to which she also answered no. There was no indication given that I had pissed her off by asking. Maybe that's just a given, I can see how it would be. I think it's reasonable to be vague if she doesn't want to see me or have me show up, to not tell me where she is. Not like I asked for the address or anything, it was just conversation. People, me included, can simply ask questions because they are curious and are making conversation. I ask things like that. What you had for dinner, how your meeting went, etc. Partially because I don't get much in terms of response. Kind of a boring conversation if there is no back and forth, but that's probably an indicator eh?

I am not going to cross any oceans here.

[Erich_132]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This  is choosing unavailable people so you can have short term then have a built in exit.

I get what you mean. But I wasn't looking at this in terms of a way out. I don't work that way. If I want out, I'll torpedo it quickly. Lol

[Erich_132]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So you got too busy to communicate. Now she's too busy. I would think since you did the same thing it wouldn't rattle you so much when she does it.

The hypocrisy is strong with this, no? I'll own that. Its at least helped me realize maybe how she felt before when it happened to her, at my hands. Whatever it was that she was feeling then. 

[Erich_132]

1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

 

If you lived close by and could see one another everyday and could work on being closer physically and mentally, then yes, you'd have a chance...but that's not the case and you're trying to get something to work that just has too many issues.

Yeah, I suppose that could be a thing. At this stage though, it wouldn't matter how close I was, she isn't making time for me when she knows I have it. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

I saw it, but when my needs are being met, it's not a problem lol.

So you were willing to overlook this when the sex was good. Own that these are your standards and own that if so you don't get to first complain because you chose to hold back when you were having good sex.  Find someone who is focused on sex to the same extent you are and values it to the extent of being willing to ignore issues in the relationship.  Nothing wrong with it but it will work better if you meet someone who views sex as you do.  

It doesn't matter really how she feels or if she's confused about how she feels.  She's not confused -she knows she's not committed to you and she knows she doesn't see serious potential because her actions are consistent with that.  She's confused about whether the pleasure of having you around to hang out with when it's convenient for her is worth the downside of knowing you want more and dealing with your neediness -not that you are needy -but in this uneven dynamic she will feel pressured and get the impression of neediness.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Erich_132 said:

The hypocrisy is strong with this, no? I'll own that. Its at least helped me realize maybe how she felt before when it happened to her, at my hands. Whatever it was that she was feeling then. 

Yeah, the mindset that it's understandable and forgiveable if you do it but it's not OK if she does isn't a good one to have in a relationship. It's a double standard. What's good for the goose and all that.

Maybe this will be illuminating and you will carry this knowledge into your next relationship.

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Erich_132 said:

Yeah, I suppose that could be a thing. At this stage though, it wouldn't matter how close I was, she isn't making time for me when she knows I have it. 

Then that's a pretty good indication that she's not interested and you need to let this go.

[DancingFool]

Unfortunately, I think this is one of those where you need to read the writing on the wall, no matter how unpleasant that is.

For whatever reason, she has lost interest in you, is refusing to meet you, is merely stringing you along, and is, in some ways, acting shady in that it seems like she is seeing someone else but trying to hide that from you. The latter is also known as monkey branching where one relationship is put on the back burner while a new one is being developed. The old one will either end or carry on depending on the outcome of the new one. No, she won't tell you the truth, so don't bother to keep asking. Again, this is one of those where you do need to read between the lines and draw your own conclusions. I think on some level you are already aware, just aren't accepting it...yet....

In your shoes, I'd back off so far that she'd never see me or hear from me again. Never chase someone who isn't willing to give you the time of day. You deserve better. Also, please don't blame yourself because you didn't do anything wrong. When you were busy and she asked for more - you were quick to give what was asked. Most people would appreciate that.