I displayed weakness and insecurity, how should I handle the situation? (detailed story)

[Mrgreenjeans]

So, I've been friends with this girl for 8 years, strictly that, and within those 8 years, we were dating other people, and that never bothered our friendship or affected it in anyway. But in late 2020, I noticed that she started to show more interest and sexual tension towards me for the first time in the 8 years in friendship. I went along with it and we ended up going on dates and eventually, we hooked up for the first time, after that she was really submissive, always calling me, texting me, etc. We liked each other, but we agreed that we shouldn't date exclusively and take things slow, but around April 2021, she was becoming distant and I backed off, didn't talk to her for almost 2 months because I didn't want to over pursue/chase. I would seek advice about it to friends, some who knew her, and the ones who knew her said that they felt she's always liked me (within the 8 years of friendship) but to be honest, I never noticed.. So She calls me for the first time in a while only to tell me she was moving to a city 6 hours away from me. And so she moved. 

 

So after her being in her new city for a few months, her and I were dating someone else (helped me with her leaving), then things went south with the person I was hooking up with and then my friend that moved tells me she broke up with her new bf after dating 2 months. And the cycle started again, by that I mean her pursuing me, texting me, calling, etc but of course a lot of this was done over facetime since she lived pretty far. 

 

So now to the current events, she visited the city where I live, which she also moved from, And we planned to hangout. So we met up one night and we hooked up, stayed the night and hooked up again in the morning, we then spent that whole day together. It was her idea to do so. So while hanging all day long it was as if we were dating, cuddling, kissing, going out, etc but one thing that threw me off was that she always texting a guy and it wasn't her ex she recently broke up with, it was someone else, but I didn't do or say anything about because 1. its non of my business 2. she's not my girlfriend, so i kinda kept shaking it off all day, she then suggested ending the night by going to an expensive bar and she'd pay for everything.(yes I tried to offer to pay but she wouldn't budge) So we got to the bar and the vibe was strange, it was like she was forced to be there even though she suggested it, it was weird.. And as we drank, I kept seeing her texting the same dude from through out the day, and when I drink, it's harder for me to hold in my emotions/feelings, so I started being quiet and she noticed that and i kept telling her I was fine to avoid any problems, she then randomly asked me, "do you think it's okay to get back with an ex?" At that point, I felt shes been texting some other ex all day, and that's who the guy was. I got even more quiet, upset, jealous and being intoxicated didn't help, so as I'm sitting there quietly she continues to text the guy and she finally finishes her drink and she pays the bill, and while she's doing that, I just left to my car without her, stupid, I know, I wouldn't have done that if I were sober. 

She gets to car and tells me how she didn't appreciate me leaving her like that and asked me why I'm upset, and being kinda drunk, i kinda snapped and told her that I didn't appreciate her texting on her phone all day while shes with me and that I took that as disrespect. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was jealous of who shes been texting all day because, again, she's single, she can do whatever she wants and i felt it would be dumb to do so assuming shes interested in the guy. I would feel she knows I like her at this point. So she then says shes sorry and that she'll take a mental note to put her phone on do not disturb or airplane mode next time we hangout again. After that, its silence for about 5 minutes and I kid you not, she calls the guy shes been texting all day and she told him "I'm just calling to see how you're doing" and told him she'll text him when she gets home to her parents house. I was thinking 1. you've been texting him all day and 2. of all times, you call him now?? (why would she do that) 

 

I drop her off at parents and we just gave each other a hug and said bye. Next morning, texted her saying sorry about the night before and she didn't reply until the next day saying "I appreciate you apologizing. I'm just glad we got to spend time together." I told her to have a great day and no response after that. 

 

So how should I handle the situation? Just back off completely right? I was also thinking if she wanted to talk to this guy all day, why spend the whole day with me and not go see him instead?? Is she using me?? If she ever calls me again, how should I carry the conversation, I know not to bring up that night at the bar. 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

She lives 6 hours away.  Full stop right there.

You didn't form a real relationship when you both lived in the same city so why do you think it will be any better with 6 hours between you two?

  What doomed this whole thing was playing games.  You played it cool and acted like you didn't want a relationship with her so she played it cooler back and then upped you by moving away.

  I suggest you forget about the night at the bar and let that go.  Go about your life and date other people and IF she ever moves back to your city then possibly you both can stop with the games and take a risk and admit how you feel.

This other guy is most likely some dude from where she lives now and she was just keeping him interested.  He has zero to do with all this so forget about him.

Next time if you really like someone be brave enough to put yourself out there and take it to the next level.

She lives 6 hours away and is dating other people, time for you to do the same and let her go.

  Lost

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Mrgreenjeans said:

Just back off completely right?

Well, yes, because what other option do you have? Her heart isn't with you. It's with him, so it doesn't matter how weak or insecure you feel you were. She is interested in another guy. That is the deal-breaker.

3 hours ago, Mrgreenjeans said:

if she wanted to talk to this guy all day, why spend the whole day with me and not go see him instead??

He probably wasn't available. Or things were rocky with them at the time she made her plan to see you and was down for a fun weekend as she'd already booked it. So she came and had a good time but was clearly thinking about him almost the whole time too. 

It's time to let go of her. She likes you okay, but not enough to date. She's also more interested in someone else and lives too far away. This is a dead-end, Mrgreenjeans. 

[Rose Mosse]

Don't do anything and let the dust settle. She's on/off with her ex and needed the trip for a change of scene, it seems. You were caught in the crosshairs of it and somewhere along the way realized you have feelings for her. She is not interested in dating you and is in love with someone else. She's not going to respond/text as much because she's just not interested. There's nothing to talk about. 

Slowly move away from talking and texting her or responding to her calls. It's not weakness to speak your mind but it is on you if you are not recognizing your limits and realizing that those feelings you have for her are not reciprocated. 

If she calls or texts you, respond the following day. If she wants to come out to visit you, keep the visits short. I agree with the earlier comment about dating other women. I would also add to worry less about appearing weak, submissive or anything like that. Be genuine towards others and truthful with yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Mrgreenjeans said:

    she didn't reply until the next day saying "I appreciate you apologizing. I'm just glad we got to spend time together." I told her to have a great day and no response after that. 

You're not her BF, so step way back on the ego/jealousy thing.

You're just old friends who hooked up while she was in town.

She has a new life somewhere else.

You need to move on. Date local women. 

Sounds like she's not impressed with your drinking, pouting or pick-up artist philosophy of use women, let them pay, play icy and don't show interest.

Reflect on what you want. Next time date locally and stay sober on dates and don't drive drunk.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think it would work out either way. While her MO is being "chasing emotionally unavailable men" yours is "being emotionally unavailable until other person also starts ignoring". Hence why you are in this dysfunctional circle where she chases you, you show disinterest in anything serious, she ignores, you then start showing interest. And that circle just keeps repeating. As such both of you arent ready for the real relationship. Not to mention both seem "non commiting" types. So leave it alone. Though I have no doubt that the circle will just start repeating again.

[Leila22]

7 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

She lives 6 hours away.  Full stop right there.

You didn't form a real relationship when you both lived in the same city so why do you think it will be any better with 6 hours between you two?

  What doomed this whole thing was playing games.  You played it cool and acted like you didn't want a relationship with her so she played it cooler back and then upped you by moving away.

  I suggest you forget about the night at the bar and let that go.  Go about your life and date other people and IF she ever moves back to your city then possibly you both can stop with the games and take a risk and admit how you feel.

This other guy is most likely some dude from where she lives now and she was just keeping him interested.  He has zero to do with all this so forget about him.

Next time if you really like someone be brave enough to put yourself out there and take it to the next level.

She lives 6 hours away and is dating other people, time for you to do the same and let her go.

  Lost

explains everything :)

[Andrina]

She might have been okay as a friend, but she's crap as far as dating potential. She likes the fact you have a crush which is good for her ego, but she's just not that into you.

That "going slow" you spoke of is total nonsense. In your case it meant you were F buddies. 

Dating in the good old fashioned "normal pace" works. Try that next time.

You need to let your chemistry for her not cloud your brain at what is factual. She's rude to constantly be paying attention to someone else when she's in your company. You felt like she was forced to be with you when you were hanging out. And now you ask what your next step should be if she calls? Do you also enjoying chewing glass?

Now that you've crossed that boundary of sleeping with a friend, for your future success in romance, she can no longer be your friend. A new love interest will make a fast exit from your life when she finds out you communicate with and hang out with this woman you slept with.

In my opinion, from what I've read about her, this is no loss. 

[Lambert]

I agree with everyone else.  On some level you guys aren't mature enough or ready enough to be in a relationship.  It's a lot more than just hooking up.

Forget about her for the time being.  She doesn't live by you. She was pretty unfair to you on your day together... sex, cuddling, acting as a couple, texting another guy... then calling him in front of you.

Ugh.

You weren't perfect either. Ignoring someone for 2 months is not playing it cool.  When you like someone you treat them better. You both use each other when it's convenient. Both afraid to be vulnerable. It's not going to workout. You both have some growing to do on your own. 

In the future, who knows. You could circle back if the situation changes but as it was, you were friends with benefits. 

Move on.

[Mrgreenjeans]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

I agree with everyone else.  On some level you guys aren't mature enough or ready enough to be in a relationship.  It's a lot more than just hooking up.

Forget about her for the time being.  She doesn't live by you. She was pretty unfair to you on your day together... sex, cuddling, acting as a couple, texting another guy... then calling him in front of you.

Ugh.

You weren't perfect either. Ignoring someone for 2 months is not playing it cool.  When you like someone you treat them better. You both use each other when it's convenient. Both afraid to be vulnerable. It's not going to workout. You both have some growing to do on your own. 

In the future, who knows. You could circle back if the situation changes but as it was, you were friends with benefits. 

Move on.

You are right, soon as I saw her texting that other person a couple times, I should’ve just left right then. My huge issue is I don’t show my true feelings if the other person doesn’t or I’m just afraid my true feelings will push them away or lead me to rejection. Either way, it’s something I need to overcome at this point, to avoid all this nonsense. 

[Lambert]

14 minutes ago, Mrgreenjeans said:

You are right, soon as I saw her texting that other person a couple times, I should’ve just left right then. My huge issue is I don’t show my true feelings if the other person doesn’t or I’m just afraid my true feelings will push them away or lead me to rejection. Either way, it’s something I need to overcome at this point, to avoid all this nonsense. 

I understand. I have been working on that myself.  

If a similar experience happens in the future, remember this.  And make a better choice.

Choose you! Her behavior was not cool. And just leaving sends a clear message, for sure. 

[DancingFool]

14 hours ago, Mrgreenjeans said:

she was really submissive, always calling me, texting me, etc. We liked each other, but we agreed that we shouldn't date exclusively and take things slow, but around April 2021, she was becoming distant and I backed off, didn't talk to her for almost 2 months because I didn't want to over pursue/chase

^ Someone calling you and giving you attention is not being submissive, they are showing you and telling you quite loudly that they are really into you. This is where you dropped the ball by playing it cold. Someone will only invest their effort into you for so long and when you don't step up and reciprocate, they will eventually give up and walk away. Exactly what she did.

Also, ignoring someone for 2 months is not over chasing, it's dropping the ball so hard for so long that it has mold growing on it. I'm surprised she was even willing to talk to you at all after you disappeared like that.

Relationships are not power struggles and that's something you seriously need to get your head wrapped around if you ever want to have a healthy relationship. Also, IF you want someone to love you be sure you actually reciprocate and show the same. At the moment, you aren't playing it cool, you are playing it stone cold and as you can see, it doesn't work out so well.

She might have enjoyed hooking up with you for the weekend, but since you've already shown her that you don't care about her, her attention was on someone else she is pursuing and rightfully so. Anyway, it doesn't seem like you were ever really into her until she moved away and dropped interest in you. So no big loss in either direction as this has toxic written all over it. Go find a fresh start with someone you actually like and be sure you show it consistently and clearly. No games.

[smackie9]

yes regardless if you are or not dating, she was being rude no matter who she was texting. When I'm out for lunch with a friend or whatever, my phone is in my purse not on the table. Just me but I think texting while hanging out/having a conversation with someone is poor manners.

BUT if you are not interested in anything with this girl, for the love of god stop sleeping with her. Go back to being friends...not sure how long that's gonna last because sex does change everything.

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Mrgreenjeans said:

Next morning, texted her saying sorry about the night before and she didn't reply until the next day saying "I appreciate you apologizing. I'm just glad we got to spend time together." I told her to have a great day and no response after that. 

 

So how should I handle the situation? Just back off completely right? I was also thinking if she wanted to talk to this guy all day, why spend the whole day with me and not go see him instead?? Is she using me?? If she ever calls me again, how should I carry the conversation, I know not to bring up that night at the bar. 

Yeah, I'd say she's just using you that way.. Nothing more than a basic hook up with a 'guy friend'.

I do suggest you back off totally now, as you are not getting from her what you're wanting.  She's not into you that way.. sounds like she has a LOT going on an her mentalilty (stability) isn't there. ( and as mentioned, she is hours away).

For your own well-being is best to work on letting her go... and move on with your life.  Expect nothing from her.

 

[Mrgreenjeans]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, I'd say she's just using you that way.. Nothing more than a basic hook up with a 'guy friend'.

I do suggest you back off totally now, as you are not getting from her what you're wanting.  She's not into you that way.. sounds like she has a LOT going on an her mentalilty (stability) isn't there. ( and as mentioned, she is hours away).

For your own well-being is best to work on letting her go... and move on with your life.  Expect nothing from her.

 

yeah, I get what you’re saying. It’s just hard for me to just let her go because I’ve known her for so long, you know? But I’ll do my best to do so. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Mrgreenjeans said:

It’s just hard for me to just let her go because I’ve known her for so long, you know?

Oh, I know.. been there a few times. But was necessary for my own mental health.  Just holding on is no good 😕 .

You two have crossed the lines of 'friendship' and is not easy going backwards.  Hence, accepting an ex as a 'friend'.  Is often best to just cut all ties and work on accepting & healing, on your own.

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Mrgreenjeans said:

yeah, I get what you’re saying. It’s just hard for me to just let her go because I’ve known her for so long, you know? But I’ll do my best to do so. 

You're right that it's not easy. It will take time. 

But consider that she has no problem letting go of you in favour of another guy. Keep that in mind every time you have the urge to contact her. While you were enjoying the weekend with her, she was thinking of someone else.