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Feeling lost and confused after a break up


Bz77
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I am sorry this is long. I am 23 and dated my ex-partner who is 27 for a year. Our relationship was not perfect, but we had a strong foundation, shared the same values and had so much in common. Although we had not been dating for long, he talked to me about wanting to getting married, having children etc, which made me very excited about the future. He tried to be a good partner, but there was always so much pressure on as he is in his final year of completing his PhD and has been dealing with personal issues. I was always understanding of his situation, compromised, was supportive and tried my best to be a good partner until the very end. Plans kept getting cancelled, I had to cancel my plans and make time to see him whenever he had time free as I knew if I did not make time, I wouldn’t know when I would see him next, I know he didn’t want me to cancel my plans for him but I wanted to see him. This was not an issue I was a university student as I had more free time than him. But this became an issue when I moved to a city an hour away 3 months ago and started working full time. We had to do long distance which I really struggled with. The plan was to see each other most weekends and work together, FaceTime/call most nights but this rarely happened as he became more stressed with work. My time became limited as I only had weekends free, so he had to compromise too in order for us to see each other. I know he loved me and wanted to see me as much as he could but his main priority was his work.  Not being satisfied in the relationship and made me less supportive than usual and made me speak up about my needs.  Not knowing when I am going to see him next made me feel anxious, I sometimes had to wait 2/3 days before a weekend to get confirmation that we were seeing each other. He would tell me it’s only going to be like this for the next few weeks and then I am all yours, but something came up all the time. In the last few weeks of our relationship, I felt disappointment as plans kept getting cancelled, I did start some silly argument with him, which I now regret now as the final argument resulted in a breakup.

I was struggling with work a lot and wanted a bit more from the relationship. I called him one night to talk to him about how I was feeling again. I was calm, I did not want a break up, I just wanted reassurance that things will get better. He told me that he does not want to do any more as there is so much pressure on him. He told me he wants to break up twice, then apologised and said he wants to fix things, he seemed mentally unstable. Then he got very angry, called me abusive, toxic and many other names, said he wants to break up and hanged up on me. This had happened twice in the past where he had broken up with me due to feeling overwhelmed and then apologised to me for making an impulsive decision. So I did not take the break up seriously. I tried contacting him later on that night, I apologised for the argument and said I felt bad for putting pressure on him and tried to reconcile. I got ignored, I tried contacting him for a few days but got no response, I sent an email apologising, I did everything I could to reach out to him for a week as I began to worry about his health. I felt so anxious that I had to leave work, I ended up driving to his house as I was so worried about him. He was initially very angry; told me he had a relaxing week where he had more time to work and focus on his hobbies. After talking to him, he calmed down and told me he was glad I came down to see him and he feels much better but does not want to get back together today as it is not good for him, he needs to focus on his work and does not want any other responsibilities or distractions, he told me his mum has asked him to  forget about his love life until he finishes his PhD in 4 months and did not want to disrespect his mum.  I said everything I could to get him to take me back as I did not want to lose him, especially as he is so close to finishing his PhD. I asked him if he wants me to wait for him, he said no as he does not want the of pressure of someone waiting for him or having to worry about finding a job in order to progress things with me. He wanted to remain friends for now and keep in touch, he told me he still sometimes sees a future with me. I got a message a few hours later saying he has thought about it and got hit with a panic attack, he wants to break up, he does not want to wake up the next day having to think about me as he wants to focus on his work, I asked if he still sees a future with me, he said no and asked me to leave him alone and asked for no contact for some time. 

It has been a month since we last spoke, I still feel so hurt and confused. It hurts a lot knowing that he is probably not hurting like I am. I feel so devalued because of the way he broke up with me. Break ups are never nice, but If I loved or cared about someone, I would try to do it in a nicer way. I have spent a month blaming myself for the breakup, If I hadn’t told him I wasn’t happy maybe we would still be together, I just wanted to see him more, it came from a place of love as I missed him. I also feel so unappreciated and disposable. I don’t know if I should wait for him or try to contact him in 4 months to see if he wants to get back together. 

 

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Sorry this happened. Take care of yourself.

Does he live near friends and family? He can see a doctor or go to an ER or contact friends, family or hotlines. Don't worry about him.

Did he show signs of mental instability before all this? Is it possible he met someone? 

Don't stay friends or wait. He's all over the place. If this is new and he's been in the PhD program for a while something else is up.

The name calling is unacceptable. He's actively pushing you away.

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He was fine when I saw him after he had ignored me for a week, he said he had a relaxing week. I don't think he has met anyone. He was always a bit all over the place but I understood his circumstances. he has asked for no contact for some time, I thought I would have heard from him by now. It has been so hard for me to process what has happened

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No, you be respectful and leave him be.

He has told you more than once, he does not consider getting back together and to not wait for him.

Yes, I can see he cared for you and he tried.  ( hence the anxiety attacks). But over time, he realized he could not give you what you deserved & wanted from him.

I also feel he did find you a little more 'needy' as you'd keep on at him about visits and contact, etc.  But, he was stressed about a lot & you knew this.. so him being pulled in so many directions just added to it.

I agree with mom.  Is best he remain on his own now for a while and focus on his studies ( his future).

There is never really a 'nice way' to break up with someone 😕 .

It's been a year together? And sounds like a bit of a hectic one.  But, if things don't work out, there is not a lot anyone can do about it.  Often relationships fall apart due to so many challenges.

 

I doubt he will reach out to you again anytime soon. So, if best you work on accepting this now, healing etc.  No more expectations.

Yes, it is hard.. often from both sides. 

So, for your best interest, you keep on as you are.  No contact and turn your focus onto you now.

Give it all time to heal & move on. ( but please do not beg or chase someone .. If they are able & totally into you, you'll know it)  Self respect.

 

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He's not in love with you. It may hurt now but cut your losses and heal. This isn't going to get better. It was getting progressively worse. The long distance may have hidden a lot of signs that he was growing more and more disinterested. You were supportive to him but it doesn't seem the case the other way around. 

His mental health isn't your issue anymore. Yours is. Focus on your health, your work and staying on track. 

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I said everything I could to get him to take me back as I did not want to lose him, especially as he is so close to finishing his PhD.

What also stood out to me was the way you held on like this. This is what he may have been referring to as toxic or unhealthy. He was telling you he wasn't interested in the relationship but you did not respect that. I don't recommend staying friends. Let this go and heal.

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10 hours ago, Bz77 said:

he got very angry, called me abusive, toxic and many other names, said he wants to break up and hanged up on me. This had happened twice in the past where he had broken up with me due to feeling overwhelmed and then apologised to me for making an impulsive decision. So I did not take the break up seriously.

You should have taken all of this behaviour seriously. 

This is not a man who wants a serious relationship with you. After a third break-up, you really need to read writing on the wall, girl - it's over. 

No more excusing his actions. He's being honest that he does not see a future together, so it's time to accept that, no matter how much it hurts. In the future, don't go chasing after men who treat you like this, begging for another chance. Maintain your dignity and walk away. 

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Thank you for the replies. I regret trying so hard to reconcile after the third break up. The reason I did it was because the first two times he did it was due to stress, which I know is bad. He calmed down within half an hour and apologised and said he grateful I didn't leave him. I thought this was going to be the case the third time he did it, and me being unhappy started the argument so i just wanted to let him know that I was willing to compromise even more until he finishes his PhD as I didnt want a break up. I did find the previous break ups very hurtful as I would be going through all kinds of emotions and felt anxious for some time. I hate that I came across needy, I had expectations because he would tell me he is going to see me every weekend, I would get excited about seeing him and then the plan would get cancelled, I hadnt seen him in 3 weeks when he broke up with me over the phone.  He put the idea of getting married in my head, he even talked to me about marriage a week before he broke up with me. I am still young, I never thought about marriage until I met him. What I don't understand is why he sold me this dream when he wasn't that interested. I don't know what I did to cause this. In the 3 months we did long distance, he only visited me twice, I always drove to see him, I did everything I could to support him when we lived in the same city. Now that I think about it, the relationship was a bit one sided. He told me if he could, he would see me everyday and he loved me, i understood his circumstances so didnt mind doing more,

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I also feel he did find you a little more 'needy' as you'd keep on at him about visits and contact, etc.  But, he was stressed about a lot & you knew this.. so him being pulled in so many directions just added to it.

This is why I keep blaming myself, if i had just not cared so much about not seeing him andthen I wouldnt have got upset about not seeing him and not getting contacted much. I wish I acted differently and handled things better. There is nothing I can do now to fix things.

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5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

He has told you more than once, he does not consider getting back together and to not wait for him.

He kept changing his decision when I drove down to see him after the break up over the phone. He told me he sometimes sees a future with me even though we are not together, and we might get back together after his PhD but he doesnt want to say we definitely will as he doesnt know what is going to happen in the future. He told he would get stressed if he asks me to wait for him as that would put pressure on him, he said he still wants to talk to me as friends and wants me to tell him if I meet someone or if I am not interested in him anymore. Then i got a message and a phone call within an hour basically saying he doesn't want to think about the relationship as he should focus on his work, he doesnt want contact for some time but we will meet up at some point, he told me he still wants to know if i meet someone then quickly changed his answer to I don't want to know. I asked if he still sees a future, he said no and ended the call. 

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Ok. You need to stop chasing crazy men. It's demoralizing to put up with his neurosis when you're the target of his yo-yo games.

Free yourself from this. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That way you can begin the process of healing from this clown. No one...No one. Is too busy for what's important to them.

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You"?

It may give you insight into why trying to "make it work" with someone who's pushing you away this hard is not only a waste of time but a sure road to headaches and heartaches.

Never date "potential". Date what's in front of you.

 

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He deactivate his social media the day we broke up so I can't delete/block him. 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That way you can begin the process of healing from this clown. No one...No one. Is too busy for what's important to them.

This is why I eventually spoke to him about my needs not being met. I know there was a lot of pressure on him, but he wasn't working 24/7. He spent time with family, friends at times, he relaxed, watched series, which is all normal but I didn't feel like a priority. I used to get so excited and drop everything if he wanted to call me or if I knew I was going to see him. I am working full time and studying at the same time but I still made time to see him....whenever he wanted to see me, because he was important to me and i wanted to spend time with him. When he was more stressed with his PhD, He used to make jokes about me "keeping a tab on him" so I could see him when he was free, and I probably did, because I knew he would not make the effort to find time for us to see each other, then we would go weeks without seeing each other.

 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Never date "potential". Date what's in front of you.

I always thought things would improve once he finishes his PhD, so I waited for a year and supported him as much as I could. It is hurtful that he ended things with me when he is so close to finishing

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3 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

I used to get so excited and drop everything if he wanted to call me or if I knew I was going to see him. I am working full time and studying at the same time but I still made time to see him....whenever he wanted to see me, because he was important to me and i wanted to spend time with him.

You showed him again and again you were willing to settle for scraps.  Let me tell you I was on the other side where friends would cancel on me last minute because HE CALLED.  It was sickening and really frustrating.  Or meeting up with a friend and putting in the effort to find out that he had called so he was going to meet up with us last minute (when I wanted to just be with my friend and wouldn't have come out otherwise).  Keep things even.  Stop dropping everything like that for someone who is not dropping everything for you. 

He wasn't that into you and to work on a PhD as he was it's completely possible to be in a serious relationship and long distance--- if - this is a big if--- you are into the other person enough.  And sometimes what happens is a person who is over the moon about another person tells that person "I want to be with you more than anything.  Right now I can't.  I am working on a PhD that is really overwhelming and I also will be flying all over the country for interviews.  I don't want to risk not being a good partner. I will be in touch when this is over and if you are still interested and available we will talk." 

This is unusual but I do know of situations like this and the person legitimately is not going to pursue anyone else and will hope his person is still interested later.  But he wanted to be able to see you at his convenience and wasn't that into you so you were not even close to number one on the priority list.  And your jumping as high as he asked and dropping everything showed you to be someone with low self esteem even if you didn't mean it that way.  That doesn't really trigger attraction or a spark.  I'm sorry!!!

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12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Let me tell you I was on the other side where friends would cancel on me last minute because HE CALLED

I never used to make plans with anyone until I was 100% sure that he was not going to see me, this resulted in not seeing my friends that regularly as it was hard to make plans with friends last minute.

We lived an hour away so not even far! He told me he would drive to me during the week to see me after work but this never happened. I had been driving to see him for some time, one time when I was at his house, I told him it was really nice when he visited ONCE, and it would be really nice if he come to my city again as I can take him to some new beaches near where I live. He got so stressed and angry, told me in order for him to drive to me, he needs to sleep well the night before, then when he gets home he needs to make sure he rests well so he can work the next day, and this is not possible for him to do at the moment. This made no sense to me as I didnt mind driving to see him, even when I was tired as I felt so much excitement. I was supposed to drive to see him again the next day but he called and cancelled as he was feeling "too overwhelmed" as I had put pressure on him and he wanted to get on with his work. 

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"I want to be with you more than anything.  Right now I can't.  I am working on a PhD that is really overwhelming and I also will be flying all over the country for interviews.  I don't want to risk not being a good partner. I will be in touch when this is over and if you are still interested and available we will talk." 

I would have accepted this and this would have made me wait for him. He did tell me he can't make me happy as the moment. He told me so many different things and I don't what to believe.

 

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

dropping everything showed you to be someone with low self esteem even if you didn't mean it that way

I loved him and not seeing him for weeks made me miss him. I wish I didn't behave this way, it was wrong but I was just trying so hard to make the relationship work 

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But you were the only one trying hard to "make it work" - it shouldn't be one-sided or that hard.  I think by telling him it would be "nice" if he came to see you you were annoying him -showing him again that you settled for scraps.  Instead:  "I love coming to see you.  And it is a lot of traveling for me.  So I suggest we take turns.  Let's plan on when you're going to visit me.  When does that work for you?"  That way you're being direct, you're showing you're confident about your worth, you're confident about what seems fair.  

I think you made a mistake not making plans with your friends unless you were "100% sure" you weren't going to see him.  Yes I agree that doesn't inconvenience friends but your friends sure got the message that you were casting them to the bottom of the barrel in case he could see you.  I've been treated like that by friends and I did not like it.  At all.  I totally understood being second or third to family responsibilities or work responsibilities but my friend waiting around for some guy to decide whether he could see her as an afterthought/last minute regularly - no thanks.  Once in awhile, sure.  

You put too much pressure on someone who was not that into you.  Also he probably got annoyed by how you didn't take the hint and instead of being assertive -not confrontational, not naggy - assertive - you kept making indirect comments/complaining etc - for a really stressed busy person this just makes it worse.  Obviously it's all circular -if he was as into you as you were into him then he'd have tolerated it and of course it wouldn't have happened as much because he'd have been putting in effort to see you.

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10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"I love coming to see you.  And it is a lot of traveling for me.  So I suggest we take turns.  Let's plan on when you're going to visit me.  When does that work for you?"

That is pretty much what I said to him, I asked when he will come to see me again and he got angry :(.

I have recently moved so I don't have many close friends where I live. I have never neglected close friends. Since the break up, I have been making new friends and been socialising with colleagues. This is something I could have done whilst in a relationship if he didnt keep cancelling plans.  I wouldnt have thought he was needy or had low self steam if he behaved the way I did, would have felt special and felt like a priority.

I was probably a bit too direct about how I was feeling and what I wanted in the relationship. Yeah I guess if he was that excited about me then he would have made more effort, he just didnt want to. I wish he didnt lie to me so much about the future. and if he really wanted the relationship to work whilst he is busy, he could have had a serious chat with me about he can offer and then would have let me decide if I want to stay with him or not, or asked to go on a break 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

This is unusual but I do know of situations like this and the person legitimately is not going to pursue anyone else and will hope his person is still interested late

He told me he is not going to date anyone

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27 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

He told me he is not going to date anyone

It doesn't matter.  He didn't tell you he wants you.  He didn't tell you that he hopes you will still be available because right now he is not going to date anyone OR look to date anyone because he needs to focus entirely on his PhD.  He didn't tell you that he cannot wait for the day he can properly be with you.  Right now, today he is not going to date anyone.  This could change tomorrow.  Or sooner, or in a month.  But it's none of your concern - he saw you settle for scraps, jump to accommodate him squeezing you in like an after thought.  I only dated extremely busy men.  Why? Because back then I had an extremely intense grad school experience followed by 15 years in a highly unpredictable, busy, more than full time crazily competitve career.  The guys who didn't have that just didn't get it especially because I was a woman.  My husband and I were long distance the second time around we dated.  For much of the 3 years we dated.  I was working crazy hours and so was he. 

But we wanted to be together.  Badly.  We were both invested in this.  It took work - the work of making flight arrangements, planning, hotels, getting permission from my bosses to work out of another city office so I could visit him.  We made it work.  We wanted each other.  We wanted marriage and family so we flew all over the country to see each other about every 11 days while we were long distance.  

He actually just finished his PhD. He did it part time starting from when our son was 6 or 7 or so.  While being really busy at his career.  People make time for what they want.  I said -very unusually -sometimes people actually are being genuine when they say "look I cannot do a relationship right now -I'm married to my work/PhD/my aging parents who need constant care" - but they don't treat you as an afterthought - they want to treat you properly so from the get go they are up front about what is going on and they hope in the future you will be available. 

Please stop grasping at straws here.  My sense is part of your excitement was he was successful and a challenge and unavailable to you.  I get it.  I used to feel that way too.  I was very attracted to certain unavailable guys.  It's really a waste of time.  

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please stop grasping at straws here.  My sense is part of your excitement was he was successful and a challenge and unavailable to you.  I get it.  I used to feel that way too.  I was very attracted to certain unavailable guys.  It's really a waste of time.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I agree with everything you have said. I wish I had that kind of relationship with my ex partner. I wouldn't have complained if a little bit of effort was made. We lived an hour away, he had a car, I would have been happy if we saw each other every 11 days or plans were made. It really wasn't because he was going to be successful. We met in university, we were in the same field, came from the same background and we had a lot in common. The guys I work with now are as successful as him but i really don't care about these things. It has been 5 weeks since we broke up and I still feel so hurt and upset. I know my relationship only lasted a year which really isn't long, people break up after 20 years, but it has been affecting me a lot mentally, it is all I can think about. I am finding it so hard to focus on work and my studies. I keep blaming myself and feel so guilty about what has happened. I feel so mentally exhausted, I dont know how to stop thinking about it.  I am worried I will not find love again or I do I will do something to ruin the relationship . I agree with you, both people should try to make the relationship work.

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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  It's normal.  You did nothing wrong except to yourself- chasing after someone who wasn't that into you.  If you have to complain that much to get someone to put in effort to see you then you know it's not the right match ok?  Please don't try to "find love" - that's so vague.  Be out there proactively meeting people so that you can eventually find the right match for you which of course will include loving actions but not be limited to "love".  All the best and again I am sorry you're so upset!

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20 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

It has been 5 weeks since we broke up and I still feel so hurt and upset. I know my relationship only lasted a year which really isn't long, people break up after 20 years, but it has been affecting me a lot mentally, it is all I can think about. I am finding it so hard to focus on work and my studies. I keep blaming myself and feel so guilty about what has happened. I feel so mentally exhausted, I dont know how to stop thinking about it.

Okay, you have to stop blaming yourself, first of all and sit back.... take a look at ALL that's been said here.

He did NOT try much at all when it came to YOU... did he?

You've gone and lost yourself in all of this.  When I am sure he is suffering less 😕 .

This has sent you for a loop and you're all confused now & hurt. Because you ended up with feelings... understandable.

But, please try to take a good look at all you've explained and all everyone else has said in this.

Stop trying to go through every little letter and move and just look at the big picture.  This guy lacked in his expectations within a real relationship.  He did not 'try', instead he kept pulling away & making excuses.

He does NOT deserve you.  Someone who was willing to bend over backwards for him!

So now you turn this all around, saying " His loss because I am perfect". 😉 .

You leave it all alone now.. No contact, nothing!  You work on accepting and work at moving on with your life. ( all he did to you was mess you up).  That's all.

Some people are no good for us.  Eventually we come to see this.

We live, we learn.  We learn who is not so nice, when we're being used and when we're not appreciated.  To then back away, for our own well-being , heal from it and move on .

Soon enough, you will feel better than you do now. And yes, of course you'll find someone again. We always do. 

So.. be done with it now.  Cry if you must, then stand up and brush the dust off and get strong & back to being you again! 🙂 

 

 

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21 hours ago, Bz77 said:

Then he got very angry, called me abusive, toxic and many other names, said he wants to break up and hanged up on me. This had happened twice in the past where he had broken up with me

OP, you need to start wrapping your head around the fact that he broke up with you because he was never that into you in the first place. If he was in love with you, he'd have figured out his time.

The above quote is particularly disturbing because you are full of excuses for him, when you are the one who should have dumped him the very first time he acted like that. When you are choosing a partner, do learn to pay attention to how they act when they are stressed because that's their true colors coming out and this guy was abusive. That stuff doesn't get better, it only gets worse and life stress never goes away.

It sounds to me like you got caught up hard in future talk and dreams of marriage and this idea that if only you suffer and stick it out, that magically your relationship will become good. No, nope, nope. Once he gets his PhD, then it will be work search stress. Then it will be job stress, project stress....and you'll always be pushed to the side and used as a punching bag. There is no better and there is no if only this passes or that passes because there is always another stress around the corner.

Your relationship wasn't good, at times he was abusive with you, and he was never going to meet your needs. You need to open your eyes to this and let this go and also learn, so you don't cling on to another dbag in the future. Please take talk of marriage with a grain of salt and actually pay attention to how your relationship is today because what you see and how you are being treated today is ALL you will ever get. If it's not good right now, it's not going to be good later.

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11 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

OP, you need to start wrapping your head around the fact that he broke up with you because he was never that into you in the first place. If he was in love with you, he'd have figured out his time.

I agree and with respect to other perspectives I wouldn't go with the "his loss/I am perfect" - it's not a comparison game and you don't have to tell yourself that everyone who isn't that into you is missing out on being with you -they're allowed not to be that into you.  It's not ok to act in an abusive way of course.  I agree you should be more selective.

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41 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

When I am sure he is suffering less 😕 

Thank you for all the responses, I really appreciate it, I was not expecting anyone to reply to me 🙂 .

I know he is not suffering at all. He is a very selfish person and he is even admitted that he is selfish, he only cares about himself and his work, the ball is in his court, if he was as destroyed as me and it was affecting his work, he would have reached out.

 

40 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

The above quote is particularly disturbing because you are full of excuses for him, when you are the one who should have dumped him the very first time he acted like that.

I regret not leaving him when he broke up with me in the past. I feel so belittled and worthless that I begged for him to stay. He was never scared of losing me because he knew I would always stay, I made him feel so special even though I did not feel special at all.

It was my birthday two months ago and he told me he wanted to spend it with me and will take the day off so I told my family I am spending the day with him. He cancelled my birthday at least 5/6 times, kept telling me my birthday is making him stressed and it is putting pressure on him when he is the one who asked me to spend my birthday with him. I dreaded my birthday and just wanted it to be over. Nothing got planned and I was too scared to bring up my birthday, he confirmed he is going to see me 2 days before. I ended up driving down to see him, he ended up forgetting to take the day off so we couldnt do much, just went for lunch, I dressed up nicely as it was my birthday and I was sooo excited to spend it with my boyfriend, he didnt even make the effort to dress up a little bit for me, wore the clothes he was chilling in out for lunch with sliders. I sat by myself and waited for 2.5 hours whilst he had meetings, I didnt even complain once, I was still happy I got to see him. I also graduated this year, I got a text a week later saying sorry I had a note in my notebook to remind myself to buy you a card and flowers, which he didn't get. I acted like his mum when we lived close to each other,  I used to always get him the snacks he liked when I visited him, sent him small gifts, used to cook for him all the time, give him leftovers for lunch, did his laundry, helped him move, gave him lifts everywhere, mostly drove when we were doing long distance etc.  I knew these things made him happy so I did out of love. It is hurtful that he told me sending me a good night text stressed him out and was too much for him to do.

 

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

It sounds to me like you got caught up hard in future talk and dreams of marriage and this idea that if only you suffer and stick it out, that magically your relationship will become good.

 I really did, I didnt care about how he was treating me as I hoped/ he told me many times things will be good when his PHD is over, he sold me this perfect dream about the future.

 

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree and with respect to other perspectives I wouldn't go with the "his loss/I am perfect"

I agree with this too, I was definitely not a perfect partner but I tried my best and I put up with a lot throughout the relationship and was willing to do anything to make it work

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22 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I am sorry this is long. I am 23 and dated my ex-partner who is 27 for a year. Our relationship was not perfect, but we had a strong foundation, shared the same values and had so much in common. Although we had not been dating for long, he talked to me about wanting to getting married, having children etc, which made me very excited about the future. He tried to be a good partner, but there was always so much pressure on as he is in his final year of completing his PhD and has been dealing with personal issues. I was always understanding of his situation, compromised, was supportive and tried my best to be a good partner until the very end. Plans kept getting cancelled, I had to cancel my plans and make time to see him whenever he had time free as I knew if I did not make time, I wouldn’t know when I would see him next, I know he didn’t want me to cancel my plans for him but I wanted to see him. This was not an issue I was a university student as I had more free time than him. But this became an issue when I moved to a city an hour away 3 months ago and started working full time. We had to do long distance which I really struggled with. The plan was to see each other most weekends and work together, FaceTime/call most nights but this rarely happened as he became more stressed with work. My time became limited as I only had weekends free, so he had to compromise too in order for us to see each other. I know he loved me and wanted to see me as much as he could but his main priority was his work.  Not being satisfied in the relationship and made me less supportive than usual and made me speak up about my needs.  Not knowing when I am going to see him next made me feel anxious, I sometimes had to wait 2/3 days before a weekend to get confirmation that we were seeing each other. He would tell me it’s only going to be like this for the next few weeks and then I am all yours, but something came up all the time. In the last few weeks of our relationship, I felt disappointment as plans kept getting cancelled, I did start some silly argument with him, which I now regret now as the final argument resulted in a breakup.

I was struggling with work a lot and wanted a bit more from the relationship. I called him one night to talk to him about how I was feeling again. I was calm, I did not want a break up, I just wanted reassurance that things will get better. He told me that he does not want to do any more as there is so much pressure on him. He told me he wants to break up twice, then apologised and said he wants to fix things, he seemed mentally unstable. Then he got very angry, called me abusive, toxic and many other names, said he wants to break up and hanged up on me. This had happened twice in the past where he had broken up with me due to feeling overwhelmed and then apologised to me for making an impulsive decision. So I did not take the break up seriously. I tried contacting him later on that night, I apologised for the argument and said I felt bad for putting pressure on him and tried to reconcile. I got ignored, I tried contacting him for a few days but got no response, I sent an email apologising, I did everything I could to reach out to him for a week as I began to worry about his health. I felt so anxious that I had to leave work, I ended up driving to his house as I was so worried about him. He was initially very angry; told me he had a relaxing week where he had more time to work and focus on his hobbies. After talking to him, he calmed down and told me he was glad I came down to see him and he feels much better but does not want to get back together today as it is not good for him, he needs to focus on his work and does not want any other responsibilities or distractions, he told me his mum has asked him to  forget about his love life until he finishes his PhD in 4 months and did not want to disrespect his mum.  I said everything I could to get him to take me back as I did not want to lose him, especially as he is so close to finishing his PhD. I asked him if he wants me to wait for him, he said no as he does not want the of pressure of someone waiting for him or having to worry about finding a job in order to progress things with me. He wanted to remain friends for now and keep in touch, he told me he still sometimes sees a future with me. I got a message a few hours later saying he has thought about it and got hit with a panic attack, he wants to break up, he does not want to wake up the next day having to think about me as he wants to focus on his work, I asked if he still sees a future with me, he said no and asked me to leave him alone and asked for no contact for some time. 

It has been a month since we last spoke, I still feel so hurt and confused. It hurts a lot knowing that he is probably not hurting like I am. I feel so devalued because of the way he broke up with me. Break ups are never nice, but If I loved or cared about someone, I would try to do it in a nicer way. I have spent a month blaming myself for the breakup, If I hadn’t told him I wasn’t happy maybe we would still be together, I just wanted to see him more, it came from a place of love as I missed him. I also feel so unappreciated and disposable. I don’t know if I should wait for him or try to contact him in 4 months to see if he wants to get back together. 

 

You should get over it. How it happened doesn’t matter move on. 

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OP, with all the mess that this relationship has been, it seems that you should take some time for yourself and focus on the world right in front of you. Sadly this guy doesn't see the value in you that you saw in him, it happens far too often.

You mentioned taking on more responsibilities with work now would be a good time to us that as an outlet while you care for yourself. Hopefully you can find someone who values you and your efforts in a relationship.

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