Feeling lost and confused after a break up

[Bz77]

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my posts, it has helped me so much  ❤️ 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

He was so much nicer to me, wanted to see me and I felt loved when there was less pressure on him from work.

The problem here is that life is stressful. 

There are always going to be issues that crop up: work, expensive home repairs, illness, kids with behaviour problems, conflict with friends. 

He showed you that he treats you like garbage when he's stressed, and handles conflict in an abusive manner. He belittles you and gaslights you. That is not something that a lighter workload would change. It's who he is. That is what you're not quite seeing yet. 

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

Even now when I think about the times he wasn't very nice to me, I can find a way to blame myself and justify his behaviour, like maybe the way I spoke to him angered him, maybe I should't have put pressure on him to see me

This makes me wonder, have you been in other abusive relationships in the past?

 

[Batya33]

I notice you’re a fan of passivity. “I was told “ and “it made me stay “. Force yourself to change even the words you use to words of responsibility. “I chose to stay because I believed he’d calm down once he got his PhD.”  Of course he struggled with his PhD. Most do. My husband certainly had his challenges.  
I am a huge fan of cutting slack. When the person under stress remembers to treat the other person with respect even if at that moment the person can’t do more than say “I need to be alone right now I don’t feel well “ or “please stop talking right now just got an email from work I have to respond to!”  
We’re human.  We get stressed and we can be short and impatient with the ones we love most. It’s just that it can’t cross the line or be the persons constant MO. And heartfelt apologies help a lot. 
also if it’s just a boyfriend getting a PhD it’s different. You’re not a married or like married couple where the PhD will benefit both of you and or your family.  I work part time so my husband can work more than full time and travel for work.  Otherwise we’d be scrambling for child care. And paying a lot for it. I accommodate him working late into the night leaving me to handle early mornings getting out child ready and off to school. So he can sleep late.  It’s fair in this context.  Context matters a lot.  And what matters is you being able to have enough self esteem to evaluate chest crossed the line.  It’s not set in stone - were it that easy we wouldn’t have message boards and articles and therapists grappling with how couples balance their responsibilities and work and social life and house duties or children where both seem fair to each. Where both people feel respected.  Because you can talk and talk - which helps if you’re truly communicating and on the same wavelength- but if one of the persons is insecure and a constant people pleaser she or he will indulge in that rather than being reasonably assertive and acting consistent with her values and standards.  
It’s a work in progress for almost all couples - it is for us.  Just last night my husband said - irritated - “but I’m not on duty right now !” And I gave him a fairly quick and somewhat  polite piece of my mind about what I was asking him to find and do for our son.
 

He apologized and hugged me. He got it.  He doesn’t always.  Neither do I but there’s more of a chance of getting it when both people are reasonably secure and assertive. 

[boltnrun]

So your idea of the perfect relationship is one where you ask for and receive absolutely nothing for yourself?  And you disguise this as "being patient"?

Do you believe you need to hold onto a man no matter what?  That being in a relationship, no matter how upsetting it is, is better than being single and 'alone'?

If you don't want to look into seeing your medical doctor and trying to get a referral to a psychiatrist, can you at least continue seeing a therapist?  Your ideas of how you should conduct yourself in a love relationship are alarming, as you are extremely vulnerable to getting into and staying in an abusive relationship.

[Bz77]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This makes me wonder, have you been in other abusive relationships in the past?

My previous relationship was even more abusive, it made my recent relationship seem good and healthy. I dated a guy for 1.5 years, he never made me his girlfriend, he was flirting with one of my close friends behind my back before she knew we were seeing each other which made things difficult for me, he even slept in her bed a few times. He lied when he was meeting up with girls, was mentally unstable and constantly threatened that he is going to commit suicide when we argued, I constantly felt anxious and thought my actions could cause someone's death, I also didn't feel accepted as he often told me his family would not like me because of my ethnicity. He also ended things with me too many times, it became a weekly thing where he would tell me he does not want me anymore if I said something that annoyed/upset him, block me on everything then 2 days later, talk to me like nothing has happened. This relationship was very damaging for me. Even then I didn't have the strength to leave and got broken up with. 

I didn't think getting broken up with 3 times in my recent relationship was unhealthy. I was respected more and felt enough for someone.  I wasn't ashamed of my ethnicity, I felt accepted. I was happy as the arguments were a lot less, I didn't have to wait for ages to be someone's girlfriend. I thought I was in a very healthy relationship until now.

[Bz77]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So your idea of the perfect relationship is one where you ask for and receive absolutely nothing for yourself?  And you disguise this as "being patient"?

Do you believe you need to hold onto a man no matter what?  That being in a relationship, no matter how upsetting it is, is better than being single and 'alone'?

If you don't want to look into seeing your medical doctor and trying to get a referral to a psychiatrist, can you at least continue seeing a therapist?  Your ideas of how you should conduct yourself in a love relationship are alarming, as you are extremely vulnerable to getting into and staying in an abusive relationship.

I think I did believe I needed to stay in my recent relationship no matter what. My family liked him and they were aware of the plans we had for the future, I felt happy when I thought about the future. I thought we could work on any issues we faced and that we were never gonna give up on each other. 

This is something that worries me too, I don't want to get into another abusive relationship because I know it will be very hard for me to end the relationship. I have never ended a relationship with someone I have liked. 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

My previous relationship was even more abusive, it made my recent relationship seem good and healthy.

This is what I assumed, honestly. 

The fact you accepted very poor treatment from your most recent ex made me think you had previously experienced a lot worse and that your self-esteem was already pulverized before even meeting this guy. Your perception of this relationship is thus quite skewed and unhealthy, as you view him as not as abusive - and thus a "better" partner. But he was still an awful partner. 

I would take some time off dating and really get to the bottom of why you have had such difficulty letting go of these guys. You seem to want to do just about anything to not be single, which means you tolerate terrible behaviour. That is where the real problem lies. Not with these guys (even though they're horrid in and of themselves), but with you and your own issues with self-respect. You have almost none, which is sad and makes you the perfect target for bad men to abuse you. 

 

 

[Bz77]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I notice you’re a fan of passivity. “I was told “ and “it made me stay “. Force yourself to change even the words you use to words of responsibility. “I chose to stay because I believed he’d calm down once he got his PhD.”  Of course he struggled with his PhD. Most do. My husband certainly had his challenges.  

Yeah you are right. I was not forced to do anything. I chose to stay with him, I chose to compromise and be patient as I believed things would be good between us in the future as we had a special bond and I loved him a lot. 

 

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

also if it’s just a boyfriend getting a PhD it’s different. You’re not a married or like married couple where the PhD will benefit both of you and or your family.  I work part time so my husband can work more than full time and travel for work.  

I saw him as just a boyfriend. I was not in a rush to get married, I wanted to make memories with him and have a good time as bf gf. If I ever complained about anything, he would tell me I am ungrateful. His PhD would benefit us and our children in the future. I agreed with this at the time but we were not married yet. Although I was supportive and understanding of his workload, his PhD did not benefit me at all when we dated. I was understanding and did a lot in the year we dated,  if he had communicated better and told me how stressed he is and he cannot do anymore until his PhD is over, I would have stayed with him. But he broke up with me. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

if he had communicated better and told me how stressed he is and he cannot do anymore until his PhD is over, I would have stayed with him.

Well, no it's not about fancy "communication" -why would you have put up with his scraps even though he was working on a PhD? Yes, short periods of time.  When I was studying for grad school exams there was a huge storm.  I was living at home and my bf at the time was stranded because of the storm.  He had a friend to stay with overnight but he asked to stay with me at my parents' house.  He was shocked that I said no -I needed that study time desperately, not the distraction of having him at my parents' house.  I prioritized my need to study and he had a place to stay which was fine.  And this sounded open ended -when exactly was he going to be done? Also you said he found time to socialize and watch TV etc so how exactly would he have "communicated" so that you felt good being second fiddle to his friends and socializing?

The make memories thing is sweet but a little odd - are you sure that maybe you were just desperate for the title of "girlfriend" given your previous experience?  I have wonderful memories from past relationships - including photos, gifts, all of it.  And other than showing my son my prom pictures at some point or maybe travel photos with photos of the ex in it I don't think I'd be sharing those memories in any real way at this point.  Yes -nice to have -but given all you've written this struck me as kind of odd.

[Bz77]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is what I assumed, honestly. 

The fact you accepted very poor treatment from your most recent ex made me think you had previously experienced a lot worse and that your self-esteem was already pulverized before even meeting this guy. Your perception of this relationship is thus quite skewed and unhealthy, as you view him as not as abusive - and thus a "better" partner. But he was still an awful partner. 

I would take some time off dating and really get to the bottom of why you have had such difficulty letting go of these guys. You seem to want to do just about anything to not be single, which means you tolerate terrible behaviour. That is where the real problem lies. Not with these guys (even though they're horrid in and of themselves), but with you and your own issues with self-respect. You have almost none, which is sad and makes you the perfect target for bad men to abuse you. 

I never viewed my recent ex as abusive and I chose to stay with him as I genuinely thought he was a very good partner, I felt so respected as he was loyal and accepted my boundaries. I didn't think it was possible for me to find someone like him. 

This is probably true. I hate being single, it seems like i'd rather be unhappy and stressed in a relationship than be single, which makes me sad too and I don't know why I feel this way. I will not date anyone until I am 100% I will leave a relationship I am not happy in.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

I never viewed my recent ex as abusive and I chose to stay with him as I genuinely thought he was a very good partner, I felt so respected as he was loyal and accepted my boundaries. I didn't think it was possible for me to find someone like him. 

Have you read your own posts on this thread? 

About all the times he disrespected you? Your very own words indicate you most certainly did not feel respected, many times. 

You are in some serious denial, even from one post to the next. It's really quite astonishing to watch you re-write history to yourself as this thread unfolds. You're all over the place with your perception and description of this relationship. 

[Bz77]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well, no it's not about fancy "communication" -why would you have put up with his scraps even though he was working on a PhD? Yes, short periods of time.  When I was studying for grad school exams there was a huge storm.  I was living at home and my bf at the time was stranded because of the storm.  He had a friend to stay with overnight but he asked to stay with me at my parents' house.  He was shocked that I said no -I needed that study time desperately, not the distraction of having him at my parents' house.  I prioritized my need to study and he had a place to stay which was fine.  And this sounded open ended -when exactly was he going to be done? Also you said he found time to socialize and watch TV etc so how exactly would he have "communicated" so that you felt good being second fiddle to his friends and socializing?

The make memories thing is sweet but a little odd - are you sure that maybe you were just desperate for the title of "girlfriend" given your previous experience?  I have wonderful memories from past relationships - including photos, gifts, all of it.  And other than showing my son my prom pictures at some point or maybe travel photos with photos of the ex in it I don't think I'd be sharing those memories in any real way at this point.  Yes -nice to have -but given all you've written this struck me as kind of odd.

I always give him space to study or to rest, I would have been a lot more understanding of his situation at the end if I felt like he actually cared about me. He was very emotionally unavailable and his actions didn't really show me that he cared that much, he was very hot and cold with me. I didn't even feel like he wanted to see me. 

I wasn't desperate for the title, I am younger than him, he seemed to be in a rush to make me his girlfriend and wanted to get engaged by next summer and married within a few months. This slightly scared me but I eventually got used to this idea and it was what I wanted to. It felt like we were already a married couple within a year of knowing each other. I wanted to do nice things together but it was mostly me who planned things (which often got cancelled). 

[Batya33]

But you are actually single unless you are engaged or married.  So what about being without a romantic partner do you hate, in particular? I didn't like it because I wanted marriage and family and if didn't have a boyfriend where we might get married I wasn't fulfilled as I wasn't working towards my goal.  You say you didn't want marriage.  Do you feel like you have a certain status if it's known you're someone's girlfriend?  I felt that way in my teens and a lot of my 20s. And yes it's easier to be married I find - people treat you differently in a lot of situations than if you're a single woman of a certain age.  But it's not why I'm married.  

[Bz77]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you read your own posts on this thread? 

About all the times he disrespected you? Your very own words indicate you most certainly did not feel respected, many times. 

You are in some serious denial, even from one post to the next. It's really quite astonishing to watch you re-write history to yourself as this thread unfolds. You're all over the place with your perception and description of this relationship. 

At the time, I did not realise how disrespectful his behaviour was, I thought it was all normal. I agree, I am all over the place and my perception of the relationship keeps changing

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Bz77 said:

I always give him space to study or to rest, I would have been a lot more understanding of his situation at the end if I felt like he actually cared about me. He was very emotionally unavailable and his actions didn't really show me that he cared that much, he was very hot and cold with me. I didn't even feel like he wanted to see me. 

I wasn't desperate for the title, I am younger than him, he seemed to be in a rush to make me his girlfriend and wanted to get engaged by next summer and married within a few months. This slightly scared me but I eventually got used to this idea and it was what I wanted to. It felt like we were already a married couple within a year of knowing each other. I wanted to do nice things together but it was mostly me who planned things (which often got cancelled). 

How did it feel like you were a married couple - like when you bought his favorite cereal like a "good wife?" Do you think he was emotionally unavailable or just to you?  What do you mean -you mean he wasn't in love with you?  Was he available emotionally to his friends -did he laugh with them, was he there for a friend who needed him?  Would someone who is married to you let you make most of the plans then cancel?  Maybe you have a different perception of what marriage is which is totally fair!

[Bz77]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you are actually single unless you are engaged or married.  So what about being without a romantic partner do you hate, in particular? I didn't like it because I wanted marriage and family and if didn't have a boyfriend where we might get married I wasn't fulfilled as I wasn't working towards my goal.  You say you didn't want marriage.  Do you feel like you have a certain status if it's known you're someone's girlfriend?  I felt that way in my teens and a lot of my 20s. And yes it's easier to be married I find - people treat you differently in a lot of situations than if you're a single woman of a certain age.  But it's not why I'm married.  

I definitely want marriage and children, I want to have my own family. But I didn't want to get married by next summer, I would have been happy to wait another 2 years as there are still some things I need to sort out in my career and it would have given me more time to get to know my ex. He wanted to be married before he is 30 and have children and I was happy to give him that. 

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

I hate being single, it seems like i'd rather be unhappy and stressed in a relationship than be single, which makes me sad too and I don't know why I feel this way.

And this is key.  Working with a professional to not only find out why, but to change your perception of feeling like you MUST be in a relationship at any and all cost.

What about being single is so terrifying to you?  This question must be addressed and resolved or you will continue to go from one awful relationship to another. And yes, this one was awful no matter how much you are trying to convince yourself it wasn't.

[Bz77]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How did it feel like you were a married couple - like when you bought his favorite cereal like a "good wife?" Do you think he was emotionally unavailable or just to you?  What do you mean -you mean he wasn't in love with you?  Was he available emotionally to his friends -did he laugh with them, was he there for a friend who needed him?  Would someone who is married to you let you make most of the plans then cancel?  Maybe you have a different perception of what marriage is which is totally fair!

I think he was emotionally unavailable with most people, I never saw him really be there for anyone, if I am in a happy marriage then I guess this would not be the case, both people would make plans. I still wanted to go on dates, explore cities near us etc, the last time he had booked a table for us to go on a date was before he made me his girlfriend. But we would spontaneously go out for lunch or drinks if we were already out.

We were in lockdown for the first 5 month's of our relationship, we spent a lot of time indoors which wasn't too bad. I wanted date nights after lockdown, I don't know if this is a lot to ask for. 

 

[Bz77]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And this is key.  Working with a professional to not only find out why, but to change your perception of feeling like you MUST be in a relationship at any and all cost.

What about being single is so terrifying to you?  This question must be addressed and resolved or you will continue to go from one awful relationship to another. And yes, this one was awful no matter how much you are trying to convince yourself it wasn't.

I moved countries when I was 11, at the time it seemed impossible to learn a new language or to make friends/ find a partner in the future. I believed I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life and I accepted this. I have made a lot of friends now but it seems like the idea of not being able to find partner and being alone for the rest of my life still worries me. 

A lot of my friends are in relationships, some are married, some have children, and I worry that I am never gonna find someone or be in a healthy relationship.

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

I definitely want marriage and children, I want to have my own family. But I didn't want to get married by next summer, I would have been happy to wait another 2 years as there are still some things I need to sort out in my career and it would have given me more time to get to know my ex. He wanted to be married before he is 30 and have children and I was happy to give him that. 

 

 

12 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

I wanted date nights after lockdown, I don't know if this is a lot to ask for. 

So this is the work you have to do.  You have to figure out what you want, what you can compromise on, what you don't want in a committed relationship.  You do have to practice knowing all of that  -you do have to check in with yourself "is this ok with me?" You want kids?  Kids need stability and structure.  They need a grownup who has boundaries so they feel safe and they can learn how to have boundaries -not "I don't know if it's ok for me to ask you to let me pee in peace so I'm sorry Boo Boo that I told you to go away and let Mommy pee." 

My son needed me to tell him the other day that yes, he should get on the bus and go to school even though he was feeling out of sorts - he was in a state of indecision as the bus approached.  In truth I didn't know if to be a good mom I should let him just stay home or would I be a good mom if I decided on his behalf - go, be strong, you'll get distracted by your friends and routine."  I took a deep breath and put him on that bus.  He needed my strength and stability and security even if I had to fake it till I made it. (He ended up perfectly fine -I was a nervous wreck until a few hours later).

Quit the "I don't know if this is too much to ask for" except in really rare circumstances -really out there, unusual situations.  You do know.  You know full well.  You're just playing the "confused!" card so you don't have to do the work of being assertive -not angry, not naggy, not confrontational.  Stating what you want or don't want and owning it.  

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

I wanted date nights after lockdown, I don't know if this is a lot to ask for. 

It is not a lot to ask for. 

And when a guy is really into you, you won't even need to ask for it. He will be excited and happy to plan fun dates with his girlfriend.  

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

I moved countries when I was 11, at the time it seemed impossible to learn a new language or to make friends/ find a partner in the future. I believed I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life and I accepted this. I have made a lot of friends now but it seems like the idea of not being able to find partner and being alone for the rest of my life still worries me. 

A lot of my friends are in relationships, some are married, some have children, and I worry that I am never gonna find someone or be in a healthy relationship.

 

I can guarantee you will not find the right person for a healthy relationship as long as you have UNhealthy ideas of how you should conduct a relationship, or as long as you keep choosing abusive men to have relationships with. You are assuring that what you say you want won't ever happen because the men you choose don't love you.  And instead of realizing this and walking away you stay and try to figure out ways to get them to love you.

If you want to lose weight, do you deliberately choose fatty, sugary foods and avoid exercise, then wonder why you aren't losing any weight?  It's the same idea.

You have to be healthy to attract healthy.  Right now, you aren't.

Something to work on with your therapist if you truly do want what you say you want.

Also, you can choose to not allow what happened to you nearly 20 years ago to affect the rest of your life.  You aren't that 11 year old lonely child anymore, you are an accomplished young woman.  Time to forgive that 11 year old, wish her happiness and then work on finding that happiness for the adult you are now.

[Bz77]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So this is the work you have to do.  You have to figure out what you want, what you can compromise on, what you don't want in a committed relationship.  You do have to practice knowing all of that  -you do have to check in with yourself "is this ok with me?" You want kids?  Kids need stability and structure.  They need a grownup who has boundaries so they feel safe and they can learn how to have boundaries -not "I don't know if it's ok for me to ask you to let me pee in peace so I'm sorry Boo Boo that I told you to go away and let Mommy pee." 

My son needed me to tell him the other day that yes, he should get on the bus and go to school even though he was feeling out of sorts - he was in a state of indecision as the bus approached.  In truth I didn't know if to be a good mom I should let him just stay home or would I be a good mom if I decided on his behalf - go, be strong, you'll get distracted by your friends and routine."  I took a deep breath and put him on that bus.  He needed my strength and stability and security even if I had to fake it till I made it. (He ended up perfectly fine -I was a nervous wreck until a few hours later).

Quit the "I don't know if this is too much to ask for" except in really rare circumstances -really out there, unusual situations.  You do know.  You know full well.  You're just playing the "confused!" card so you don't have to do the work of being assertive -not angry, not naggy, not confrontational.  Stating what you want or don't want and owning it.

Thank you for the advice. I need to spend some time figuring out what I really want in a relationship, maybe make a list of the things I want and what I can and can't compromise on.

I told him my mum was there for me when he ignored me for a week, after dumping me over the phone. He immediately said "I wouldn't want to worry that my wife is going to die if I leave her for a week, especially if her mum is not there to support her". I don't my future husband to disappear for a week without saying anything to me.

I don't want kids until I am feeling much better and I want my career sorted out first. I can't even look after myself properly now. 

You are right. I wanted him to make the effort to drive to me, I wanted to dress up and go on date nights, I wanted him to at least book a table for my birthday, I wanted to call every few days in a long distance relationship, I wanted him to make plans too, I wanted him to be thoughtful like I was and I wanted him to compromise for me sometimes. There are so many things I wanted but I was afraid to be assertive and tell him about my needs in a relationship as he told me a few times I constantly ask him to do more for me and I put too much pressure on him, he would tell me he is working hard now so we can have a good future together. I am studying and working full time but I still wanted to have a good time and enjoy life together before marriage and children. 

The moment I had a serious chat with him and told him I am unhappy and want to call each other more regularly and see each other more often, he said I am putting too much pressure on him and he broke up with me. 

[Bz77]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can guarantee you will not find the right person for a healthy relationship as long as you have UNhealthy ideas of how you should conduct a relationship, or as long as you keep choosing abusive men to have relationships with. You are assuring that what you say you want won't ever happen because the men you choose don't love you.  And instead of realizing this and walking away you stay and try to figure out ways to get them to love you.

If you want to lose weight, do you deliberately choose fatty, sugary foods and avoid exercise, then wonder why you aren't losing any weight?  It's the same idea.

You have to be healthy to attract healthy.  Right now, you aren't.

Something to work on with your therapist if you truly do want what you say you want.

Also, you can choose to not allow what happened to you nearly 20 years ago to affect the rest of your life.  You aren't that 11 year old lonely child anymore, you are an accomplished young woman.  Time to forgive that 11 year old, wish her happiness and then work on finding that happiness for the adult you are now.

Thank you for this.  I need to learn to identify when it is time to walk away from a relationship and be better at choosing a partner. I don't want to do anything to make someone love me, love can't be forced, I want someone to love me without having any expectations from me. 

I will continue having therapy even if I think it is not helping me much right now. I could find a better therapist in the future if the one I am working with is not helpful. 

I need to remind myself that things have changed a lot since I was younger, I don't need to worry about being lonely and maybe being alone isn't always that bad.