Jump to content

Feeling lost and confused after a break up


Bz77

Recommended Posts

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What terrifying things do you think will happen to you if you're "alone"?

Are you completely alone? You have no family, no friends, no job?

Nothing, it’s the anxiety of being alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. 

I am not completely alone. I have a job. I  have friends but all of them also have jobs and are busy with relationships etc, but I’m grateful for the friendships I have. 

Link to comment
1 minute ago, Bz77 said:

Nothing, it’s the anxiety of being alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. 

I am not completely alone. I have a job. I  have friends but all of them also have jobs and are busy with relationships etc, but I’m grateful for the friendships I have. 

Why do you equate being single with being unhappy?

Do you like yourself? Do you feel you're a pretty cool person who is intelligent, fun and accomplished? Or do you feel like you're not worth much unless some man wants to be with you?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why do you equate being single with being unhappy?

Do you like yourself? Do you feel you're a pretty cool person who is intelligent, fun and accomplished? Or do you feel like you're not worth much unless some man wants to be with you?

I am not sure if I like myself anymore.  How I got treated in the relationship, the mistakes I made and the breakup has made me dislike myself and value myself less than I did before. 

I struggled making friends and fitting in when I was younger as I moved to a new  country where I could not speak the language, I had to leave all of my friends and my family (apart from my parents) behind. I was so lonely. It took me 6/7 years to learn the language and have the confidence to speak to people and make friends. I always felt so left out and I truly believed that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Being in relationship made me feel accepted and less lonely even though I had made friends. It was nice knowing that someone loved me and was there for me, I guess I did feel like I was not worth much. 

Link to comment

And this is where a therapist can help you.

Attaching yourself to a man who treats you with such callous disregard isn't going to make you feel better about yourself. It actually exacerbated your anxiety and made it worse. Experiencing the disconnect between what he said and what he actually did and between what you wanted and what you actually got are going to make you feel even more worthless.

You are not worthless. You just think you are. Your therapist can help you with that, but only if you focus on the underlying issue and not on how sad you feel about the breakup.

You seem very intelligent and you've accomplished a lot. But none of that matters if you don't believe it. Let your therapist help you.

Link to comment
20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And this is where a therapist can help you.

Attaching yourself to a man who treats you with such callous disregard isn't going to make you feel better about yourself. It actually exacerbated your anxiety and made it worse. Experiencing the disconnect between what he said and what he actually did and between what you wanted and what you actually got are going to make you feel even more worthless.

You are not worthless. You just think you are. Your therapist can help you with that, but only if you focus on the underlying issue and not on how sad you feel about the breakup.

You seem very intelligent and you've accomplished a lot. But none of that matters if you don't believe it. Let your therapist help you.

I have tried therapy 4 times in the past, it has been slightly helpful this time around. I don't feel as worthless anymore but I feel so disappointed and hurt, I try to get through each day but I don't see the point of anything sometimes which makes me feel pathetic as I know I shouldn't let the loss of one person affect me this badly. I keep having the same worries about the future. I feel so stuck in this situation. I keep going around in circles, don't feel like I am ever going to move on or make a sense of what has happened. I keep wondering if he will reach out in 4 months time, I worry about how I am going to feel if he does't reach out, I don't want to be back in square one. 

I feel like a final chat and getting things off my chest would help me move on. That is how I have moved on in the past when I felt confused. I know I shouldn't reach out as I should respect myself but the main reason I am not doing it because I don't want to make him angry with me. 

I am proud of my accomplishments but I don't feel like they matter at all right now. I just want this pain to go away and feel happy.

Link to comment

Have a final chat with yourself.  He is not going to respond -even if he does respond  -in any way that will approach closure or the closure you imagine he can give you.  The main reason you should not do it is because it is counterproductive and you getting in your own way.  You don't need to feel proud of your accomplishments to move on.  It's nice if you do of course and nothing to do with living your life, putting one foot in front of the other.  I'd simply acknowledge -not gush over -take pride in -putting one foot in front of the other. 

Notice that you took a shower. Notice that you accomplished a task on your to do list.  Notice that you went to the gym.  Notice how you are going through your routine -no need for any pep talks or forcing yourself to feel a certain way.

I also recommend Martha Beck's books -I've actually never read one but her articles are so insightful.  I recommend if you can doing some volunteer work so you force yourself to get out of your circular thinking, out of your head.  

My friend's husband has late stage cancer.  He is in his 40s, so is she.  They have 3 young kids.  His siblings keep telling her (commanding her is as she experiences it) "be strong" - like several times in a conversation even when she has no emotional reaction to what they are saying.  She cannot stand it, she told me.  She's a therapist actually.  She does feel good when people listen, and when they validate - "this must be so rough on you" or "you were such an advocate for him after surgery when he was in terrible pain"  So try not to command yourself to "be strong" or act or feel a certain way.  Just notice moments or experiences that are reality-based - and see if you can reach out to others to do small or large kindnesses that have nothing to do with your relationship status at the moment.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
1 hour ago, Bz77 said:

I just want this pain to go away and feel happy.

You need a physician for your severe untreated depression.  Obviously talk therapy is for support but you're not even trying to help yourself.

You're simply wallowing in self-pity hoping someone waves an magic wand and makes it better and blaming your depression on this dope.

It's not about this nasty fool finally leaving. In fact the severe untreated depression/anxiety is the reason you wound up with a creep like this and "feel worthless and in pain". 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

What do you want to say that he doesn't already know?

And it wouldn't be coming from a place of strength. It would be basically asking plaintively "Why don't you love me? I did everything I could for you!" I doubt you would actually say those exact words but that's likely how it would come across.

Maintain your dignity and self respect and don't give him anymore of your time and attention.

You can get through this, but not if you keep looking backwards.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
On 10/27/2021 at 10:19 PM, MissCanuck said:

What do you want to say that he doesn't already know?

I got blamed for everything when we broke up and I accepted it. I blamed myself and I apologised for everything. We went out for drinks a few weeks before we broke up, we ended up having an argument, I wanted to sit down for a few minutes on the way home as I felt dizzy and stressed, he asked me to carry on walking but I wanted to calm down. He didn't wait for me and stormed off and left me in the middle of the night. He called me after 20 mins to see where I was and we ended up making up.  I even got blamed for this, he kept saying "you made me leave you in the middle of the night" " I know it is bad I left you but you made me". I woke up feeling upset over the night, he threatened to break up with me because he couldn't understand why I was still upset so I had to stop being upset, he then apologised for threatening the relationship and I said it is the only I listen to him. He brought this up when he was breaking up with me on the phone " you are so toxic, you made me leave you int he middle of the night". I didn't say anything back to him. I know he still thinks he hasn't done anything wrong in the relationship. I feel so angry and hurt.

Link to comment
On 10/27/2021 at 2:33 PM, boltnrun said:

I guarantee trying to reach out to him will make you feel worse. Do you really want to hear him tell you "no" again?

Don't be your own worst enemy.

What do you talk about with your therapist? Do you focus solely on your ex?

One of the therapists only spoke to me about my ex, I initially found the sessions helpful but they started to make me feel worse. I have started therapy with a different therapist who has been talking to me less about the relationship and more about the underlying issues. 

I know reaching out to him might make me feel worse, but I keep thinking he has had enough time to think and now knows exactly where he wants to be once he finishes his PhD. In the past, meeting someone for a final time after a break up has given me closure, seeing them and releasing they're moving with their life, releasing I don't want them anymore and how everything has changed. I want to be able to move on, I keep worrying I won't be able to do this if I don't have more clarity (I know everything is so clear to an outsider). 

Link to comment
On 10/27/2021 at 3:19 PM, Wiseman2 said:

You need a physician for your severe untreated depression.  Obviously talk therapy is for support but you're not even trying to help yourself.

You're simply wallowing in self-pity hoping someone waves an magic wand and makes it better and blaming your depression on this dope.

It's not about this nasty fool finally leaving. In fact the severe untreated depression/anxiety is the reason you wound up with a creep like this and "feel worthless and in pain".

You are right, I struggled with my mental health before the break up but the break up has made everything a lot worse and unbearable. I have been trying to take steps to help myself but I haven't made much progress yet. I have been forcing myself to see friends, go to work, study, stay active etc. 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
On 10/27/2021 at 1:38 PM, Batya33 said:

Have a final chat with yourself.  He is not going to respond -even if he does respond  -in any way that will approach closure or the closure you imagine he can give you.  The main reason you should not do it is because it is counterproductive and you getting in your own way.  You don't need to feel proud of your accomplishments to move on.  It's nice if you do of course and nothing to do with living your life, putting one foot in front of the other.  I'd simply acknowledge -not gush over -take pride in -putting one foot in front of the other. 

Notice that you took a shower. Notice that you accomplished a task on your to do list.  Notice that you went to the gym.  Notice how you are going through your routine -no need for any pep talks or forcing yourself to feel a certain way.

I also recommend Martha Beck's books -I've actually never read one but her articles are so insightful.  I recommend if you can doing some volunteer work so you force yourself to get out of your circular thinking, out of your head.  

My friend's husband has late stage cancer.  He is in his 40s, so is she.  They have 3 young kids.  His siblings keep telling her (commanding her is as she experiences it) "be strong" - like several times in a conversation even when she has no emotional reaction to what they are saying.  She cannot stand it, she told me.  She's a therapist actually.  She does feel good when people listen, and when they validate - "this must be so rough on you" or "you were such an advocate for him after surgery when he was in terrible pain"  So try not to command yourself to "be strong" or act or feel a certain way.  Just notice moments or experiences that are reality-based - and see if you can reach out to others to do small or large kindnesses that have nothing to do with your relationship status at the moment.

I know he may not respond, I am worried if he does respond and I end up seeing him, I am going to feel worse than I already do but maybe I will realise that I don't want this person in my life and this would help me move on.

I need to be more mindful, thank you I will check out her books. 

I am sorry to hear that, what your friend is going through sounds awful. I have been very hard on myself, I blamed myself for a very long time and now that I blaming myself less, I am criticising myself for not being strong. I set a deadline for myself after the break up, I wanted to grieve and think about the relationship for 1 month, I thought I was strong enough to wake up after the deadline I had set for myself and feel a lot better about everything. It has been almost 7 weeks now, I know I am going to feel so down, stuck and mentally weak once it has been 2 months.

I have always loved being kind to others, I was too kind to my ex partner too. I am worried that my kindness is not going to get appreciated by anyone and I am going to keep getting hurt.

Link to comment
53 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

have always loved being kind to others, I was too kind to my ex partner too. I am worried that my kindness is not going to get appreciated by anyone and I am going to keep getting hurt.

There are also some really good books to help with all the worrying and what ifs.  The person who will appreciate your kindness will be a person who recognizes your kindness as coming from a place of being authentic, reasonably confident, with good boundaries.  Example.  I will not purchase anything from an MLM or go to the "parties" whether on line or not or watch videos, etc.  I will not refer my friends either.  So when friends send me the invite sometimes I ignore depending but sometimes I will message my boundary.  It would be very kind for me to support them but then I would feel resentful.  So I don't. 

Example 2.  I desperately need my alone time when I work out.  I also have very limited times to work out - literally a 45 minute time span per day around dawn when I am 99.9% sure I can get it done.  I don't want to accommodate anyone else's schedule and I never want to be held up by someone who is "only a few minutes late". 

It's rigid of me.  And I have decided it's ok for me to be rigid in this area.  So I've said no to a couple of people who've approached me to be a "workout" buddy  - even a woman I actually really want to get to know.  It would have been kind of me to be a buddy as some people are not self-motivated but then I wouldn't be kind to myself and I'd add to my stress.  The people I said this too - and I was completely transparent with the woman I want to get to know - got it and respected me for it.

What I saw you doing was abandoning your friends, your social connections so that "if" he called you'd be available.  You bought his favorite cereal to show him what a good wifey you'd be in the future and how much you care but then expected him to react just as you would -with appreciation and to consume it.  But if we give someone a gift we don't get to dictate how they use it.  Certainly a thank you is expected.  So you were giving with an expectation of approval of and his feelings for you strengthening.  That's partially kind and partially not.  You drove to him so much of the time despite resenting it.  So you weren't being true to yourself.  That really can build resentment and poison your interactions with a person.  

I know -seems obvious -but you keep going in circles where you insist you are so kind and you're a victim of people not appreciating you.  That is true.  But only partly.  This guy was a jerk for sure.  And you tolerated it for too long.

Please don't given yourself a deadline to heal but what I find helps is to limit your pity parties to a specific time duration per day -like 5 or 10 minutes -schedule it -that is the time you can indulge in the worries, the woe is me, the I won't ever find anyone in this world who will be a good match.  I find that helps  

Link to comment
34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There are also some really good books to help with all the worrying and what ifs.  The person who will appreciate your kindness will be a person who recognizes your kindness as coming from a place of being authentic, reasonably confident, with good boundaries.  Example.  I will not purchase anything from an MLM or go to the "parties" whether on line or not or watch videos, etc.  I will not refer my friends either.  So when friends send me the invite sometimes I ignore depending but sometimes I will message my boundary.  It would be very kind for me to support them but then I would feel resentful.  So I don't. 

Example 2.  I desperately need my alone time when I work out.  I also have very limited times to work out - literally a 45 minute time span per day around dawn when I am 99.9% sure I can get it done.  I don't want to accommodate anyone else's schedule and I never want to be held up by someone who is "only a few minutes late". 

It's rigid of me.  And I have decided it's ok for me to be rigid in this area.  So I've said no to a couple of people who've approached me to be a "workout" buddy  - even a woman I actually really want to get to know.  It would have been kind of me to be a buddy as some people are not self-motivated but then I wouldn't be kind to myself and I'd add to my stress.  The people I said this too - and I was completely transparent with the woman I want to get to know - got it and respected me for it.

What I saw you doing was abandoning your friends, your social connections so that "if" he called you'd be available.  You bought his favorite cereal to show him what a good wifey you'd be in the future and how much you care but then expected him to react just as you would -with appreciation and to consume it.  But if we give someone a gift we don't get to dictate how they use it.  Certainly a thank you is expected.  So you were giving with an expectation of approval of and his feelings for you strengthening.  That's partially kind and partially not.  You drove to him so much of the time despite resenting it.  So you weren't being true to yourself.  That really can build resentment and poison your interactions with a person.  

I know -seems obvious -but you keep going in circles where you insist you are so kind and you're a victim of people not appreciating you.  That is true.  But only partly.  This guy was a jerk for sure.  And you tolerated it for too long.

Please don't given yourself a deadline to heal but what I find helps is to limit your pity parties to a specific time duration per day -like 5 or 10 minutes -schedule it -that is the time you can indulge in the worries, the woe is me, the I won't ever find anyone in this world who will be a good match.  I find that helps  

Thank you for your response!

I need set boundaries too.

I have learnt my lesson, I will never abandon family and friends, they are the people who are always going to be there for me. Not seeing my friends much made me unhappy.

You are right, I feared abandonment. I feel like if the relationship wasn't one sided then I wouldn't have felt the need to do so much. I don't think I expected a lot from him (or maybe I did) but I did eventually get upset over how little effort he was making with me. I didn't resent driving to him as I wanted to see him but I wanted him to drive to me at times too or at least offer to drive to me/ appreciate that I was driving most of the time to see him. 

I take what I said back, some of my friends and family are appreciative but my ex wasn't, especially towards the end and that's what I have been focusing on recently. 

My friends and family all think he wasn't nice, it is nice to hear it from people on here, who do not personally know me. I wish I could hate him but despite everything and how hurt I am feeling, I still have so much love for him and care about him a lot.

Maybe if I am still feeling like this after 4/5 months, I will reach out but I am hoping by then I will have a lot more respect for myself. I have to accept that there is nothing I can do now, he is not going to reach out any time soon even if he wants to reconnect as he has told me he wants to focus on work, which he is not going to complete for another 3 months. He may not even reach out to me then. This is likely to be permanent and I may never hear from him again 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting everything, thinking about the what ifs and grieving.

This hurts too much right now but I hope one day, I can say I have fully moved on and healed.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
1 hour ago, Bz77 said:

I am worried that my kindness is not going to get appreciated by anyone and I am going to keep getting hurt.

You've practiced negative self-talk for so long you're going to have to retrain your brain to regularly practice positive self-talk. Ever hear of self-fulfilling prophecies? There were times I did this in the past and learned to totally change my thought processes for the better. Read some articles about this and begin today to practice this learnable behavior. One book that helped me do this was The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Take care.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I guarantee seeing him will make you feel worse.  He will repeat that you're toxic and that's why you "made" him end the relationship.   Why do you want to hear him say it again?

I think you blame yourself and therefore want him to "punish" you.  That's not a healthy mindset.  OR, you're hoping he says he made a terrible mistake and loves you and wants you back.  But you'd be going back for more mistreatment if that happened.  Also not a healthy mindset.

If a therapist isn't helping then yes, it's time to see your medical doctor and explain that a therapist isn't helping.  When I was really struggling with my mental health I was seeing a medical doctor, a psychiatrist and a psychologist and I was put on meds.  I am exponentially better now.  I am off the meds and am seeing the psychologist once per month instead of every week and the medical doctor every 3 months instead of every month.  And I don't see the psychiatrist anymore.  All of that intensive treatment helped me get mentally and emotionally healthy.  I had to do it all.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.  But if what you've been doing isn't working it's time to try something different.

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Andrina said:

You've practiced negative self-talk for so long you're going to have to retrain your brain to regularly practice positive self-talk. Ever hear of self-fulfilling prophecies? There were times I did this in the past and learned to totally change my thought processes for the better. Read some articles about this and begin today to practice this learnable behavior. One book that helped me do this was The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Take care.

No I haven't heard of it. I will check it out and thank you for the book recommendation

Link to comment
5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I guarantee seeing him will make you feel worse.  He will repeat that you're toxic and that's why you "made" him end the relationship.   Why do you want to hear him say it again?

I think you blame yourself and therefore want him to "punish" you.  That's not a healthy mindset.  OR, you're hoping he says he made a terrible mistake and loves you and wants you back.  But you'd be going back for more mistreatment if that happened.  Also not a healthy mindset.

If a therapist isn't helping then yes, it's time to see your medical doctor and explain that a therapist isn't helping.  When I was really struggling with my mental health I was seeing a medical doctor, a psychiatrist and a psychologist and I was put on meds.  I am exponentially better now.  I am off the meds and am seeing the psychologist once per month instead of every week and the medical doctor every 3 months instead of every month.  And I don't see the psychiatrist anymore.  All of that intensive treatment helped me get mentally and emotionally healthy.  I had to do it all.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.  But if what you've been doing isn't working it's time to try something different.

I do blame myself sometimes still and sometimes I think I deserve the way I feel as I contributed to the breakup, if I had valued and respected myself then my ex may have valued me too, maybe if I hadn't been pushy at time, he may have wanted to see me and been more excited to be with me. I think I am hoping he wants to get back together and promise things would be different this time around or if this is not the case, then have a civil conversation so everything gets more clarified for me then I can move on knowing there is a 0% chance of a future for us. 

I have seen a medical doctor many times throughout the years, I got a referred to a therapist and was on a waiting list for 3 years. Then was told by my doctor it is best I get therapy privately as the waiting list is too long. The only way I can see a psychiatric is if I get referred by my medical doctor which does not like a possibility as I struggled to get referred to a therapist. I have tried different medications in the past but they didn't work for me. I spoke to my doctor again a few weeks ago and got told other medications are unlikely to help. 

Link to comment
1 minute ago, Bz77 said:

I do blame myself sometimes still and sometimes I think I deserve the way I feel as I contributed to the breakup, if I had valued and respected myself then my ex may have valued me too, maybe if I hadn't been pushy at time, he may have wanted to see me and been more excited to be with me. I think I am hoping he wants to get back together and promise things would be different this time around or if this is not the case, then have a civil conversation so everything gets more clarified for me then I can move on knowing there is a 0% chance of a future for us. 

I have seen a medical doctor many times throughout the years, I got a referred to a therapist and was on a waiting list for 3 years. Then was told by my doctor it is best I get therapy privately as the waiting list is too long. The only way I can see a psychiatric is if I get referred by my medical doctor which does not like a possibility as I struggled to get referred to a therapist. I have tried different medications in the past but they didn't work for me. I spoke to my doctor again a few weeks ago and got told other medications are unlikely to help. 

YOU can decide this.  You don't need him to tell you.  You know if you did try again it would be the same thing, with him treating you as though you are unimportant to him and you bending over backwards trying to find a way to get him to love you.  It's a terribly unhealthy dynamic and one I hope you wouldn't want to go back to.

And no, it wouldn't "be different this time".  As you've already stated, after he gets his PhD there will be the stress of a new job or more responsibilities at his current job, then there would be other life stressors that will put you last in line in his list of priorities.  It's not his life interfering; it's his lack of interest in maintaining any kind of real relationship with you.  And that's not a slam against you, but rather it illustrates clearly that he is the wrong one for you.

I'm sorry it's so difficult for you to get additional treatment.  I had excellent insurance.  All I had to do was request a referral to a psychiatrist online and the insurance had a service that coordinated with my medical doctor and made the initial psychiatrist appointment for me.  I was very fortunate to have that service available.  Once I left that job (due to my mental health issues) I had to find care on my own as I am now on government insurance.  But I was able to keep the same medical doctor and the same psychologist.

What happened when you tried meds?  How did they not work?  Did you have no improvement in your mood?  I had to try two different meds before we found one that worked for me.

I can tell you, every single time someone on this forum insists they need to see or talk to their ex one more time "for closure", they end up regretting it.  They either have their messages ignored or their ex doesn't want to meet or their ex tells them they don't want to reconcile.  And they get hurt yet again.  It's like getting broken up with all over again. I feel you're already hurt enough, I don't recommend going back for more hurt.  I hope you decide not to do this.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
2 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I think I am hoping he wants to get back together and promise things would be different this time around or if this is not the case, then have a civil conversation 

This never happens with an abuser. And that is what he is - an abuser. He will always turn it around on you, always bully and abuse you, always blame you. 

Eventually, you will give yourself permission to move on from him. Not because he doesn't want you, but because he is a miserable little dork who abuses his partners and isn't good enough to scrub your toilets with his own toothbrush. 

Link to comment
17 hours ago, boltnrun said:

YOU can decide this.  You don't need him to tell you.  You know if you did try again it would be the same thing, with him treating you as though you are unimportant to him and you bending over backwards trying to find a way to get him to love you.  It's a terribly unhealthy dynamic and one I hope you wouldn't want to go back to.

And no, it wouldn't "be different this time".  As you've already stated, after he gets his PhD there will be the stress of a new job or more responsibilities at his current job, then there would be other life stressors that will put you last in line in his list of priorities.  It's not his life interfering; it's his lack of interest in maintaining any kind of real relationship with you.  And that's not a slam against you, but rather it illustrates clearly that he is the wrong one for you.

I'm sorry it's so difficult for you to get additional treatment.  I had excellent insurance.  All I had to do was request a referral to a psychiatrist online and the insurance had a service that coordinated with my medical doctor and made the initial psychiatrist appointment for me.  I was very fortunate to have that service available.  Once I left that job (due to my mental health issues) I had to find care on my own as I am now on government insurance.  But I was able to keep the same medical doctor and the same psychologist.

What happened when you tried meds?  How did they not work?  Did you have no improvement in your mood?  I had to try two different meds before we found one that worked for me.

I can tell you, every single time someone on this forum insists they need to see or talk to their ex one more time "for closure", they end up regretting it.  They either have their messages ignored or their ex doesn't want to meet or their ex tells them they don't want to reconcile.  And they get hurt yet again.  It's like getting broken up with all over again. I feel you're already hurt enough, I don't recommend going back for more hurt.  I hope you decide not to do this.

I was always told things would be so different after his PhD, he struggled a lot with it. Believing things would be different is what made me stay, I talked to him about my worries that he is going to carry on being stressed once he gets a job, he reassured me that this is not going to be the case. He was so much nicer to me, wanted to see me and I felt loved when there was less pressure on him from work. I wish I carried on being patient with him for another few months so see if things were going to improve.

I wish I actually mattered to him as much as he said I did. He told me I was a priority and I felt like a priority in the first 4/5 months of our relationship but I definitely wasn't towards the end. He even told me being with me is slowing down his work progress if we ever argued and he couldn't do any work after arguments, so I constantly felt and feel guilty for the arguments.

I am glad you got the help you needed. I tried two different medications, they didn't improve my mood much and I experienced bad side effects. I wish it was easier for me to see a psychiatrist but I feel like they won't be able to help me anyway as I have already tried medications and I am worried to try something else.

I know I will probably regret it if I reach out. He might ignore my message or refuse to meet up. I don't want to feel more hurt, I am already struggling with everything.

Link to comment
16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This never happens with an abuser. And that is what he is - an abuser. He will always turn it around on you, always bully and abuse you, always blame you. 

Eventually, you will give yourself permission to move on from him. Not because he doesn't want you, but because he is a miserable little dork who abuses his partners and isn't good enough to scrub your toilets with his own toothbrush. 

I am hoping for an apology but I know he unlikely to apologise as he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong. He never apologised unless something was entirely his fault. Even now when I think about the times he wasn't very nice to me, I can find a way to blame myself and justify his behaviour, like maybe the way I spoke to him angered him, maybe I should't have put pressure on him to see me on my birthday when he seemed too stressed to see me (even though he was the one who wanted to see me).

I always apologised to him after arguments so we could move on, even when it wasn't my fault. I hope I can give myself permission to move on soon and don't feel the need for more clarity. I don't keep waiting like an idiot as he may never reach out to me again.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...