Feeling lost and confused after a break up

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

Thank you for this.  I need to learn to identify when it is time to walk away from a relationship and be better at choosing a partner. I don't want to do anything to make someone love me, love can't be forced, I want someone to love me without having any expectations from me. 

I will continue having therapy even if I think it is not helping me much right now. I could find a better therapist in the future if the one I am working with is not helpful. 

I need to remind myself that things have changed a lot since I was younger, I don't need to worry about being lonely and maybe being alone isn't always that bad.

But someone who doesn’t have a partner isn’t alone. Are they? 

[Bz77]

On 10/31/2021 at 7:02 PM, Batya33 said:

But someone who doesn’t have a partner isn’t alone. Are they? 

I am not sure why I feel this way. Being single reminds me that my previous relationships haven't worked out which makes me think my future relationships may not work out no matter how hard I try to make the relationship work. I know this may not be the case with the right person but I thought my ex partner was the right person. If i unable to move on, I will not be able to find a partner in the future. It has been two months since I have been with my ex boyfriend and the pain of the breakup hasn't got easier. 

I know the way I got treated was unfair at times but this doesn't make me miss my ex less. I made mistakes too, I could have handled things better, I could have been more understanding at times. I keep remembering the good times, he was one of my best friends and I miss him a lot. I dream about him every night which makes things harder.  I feel stuck. A part of thinks the only way I can eventually move on and keep my sanity is if I speak to him for a final time but I am scared he may not respond to me and I am gonna feel worse than I already do.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

  I feel stuck. A part of thinks the only way I can eventually move on and keep my sanity is if I speak to him for a final time 

You need to finally see a physician and qualified therapist to address the depression anxiety ruminating etc.

You miss a relationship but until you address your physical and mental health, you're just spinning in maudlin thoughts and negativity.

As long as you refuse to get appropriate help you're refusing to ever find someone worthwhile.

In fact your untreated mental health problems led to accepting a jerk like this. So you keep making it worse and worse for yourself.

[Bz77]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to finally see a physician and qualified therapist to address the depression anxiety ruminating etc.

You miss a relationship but until you address your physical and mental health, you're just spinning in maudlin thoughts and negativity.

As long as you refuse to get appropriate help you're refusing to ever find someone worthwhile.

In fact your untreated mental health problems led to accepting a jerk like this. So you keep making it worse and worse for yourself.

I am getting the help I need but I am still finding it so hard to deal with has happened, I can't stop missing my ex and feeling sad about the relationship ending 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Bz77 said:

A part of thinks the only way I can eventually move on and keep my sanity is if I speak to him for a final time but I am scared he may not respond to me and I am gonna feel worse than I already do.

Don't you ever have parts of you that thinks or feels a certain way that you know doesn't make sense or that you choose not to act on? It happens, it's normal, your choice to react to that irrational feeling that somehow calling him will help you move on.  

As far as being single.  You are single even when you're dating someone exclusively.  Unless you're engaged or married or like married you are single.  You might be in a relationship where you promise not to date others of course but you are single and he is single.  Yes if you broke your commitment to each other that would be cheating. 

My sense is that you want to be able to tell people that you are not single, that you are part of a couple -you want that status, you want that status for your self esteem.  "I have a boyfriend!".   And then you can stop putting in the effort to socialize with your friends because "I have a boyfriend! Someone wants me!!".  That really leads down a bad path. And it's really annoying -the whole smug married type mindset that bleeds into "I have a boyfriend!" and the constant "my boyfriend" "I can't make it Saturday because my boyfriend needs help picking out new socks."  Also damaging because you really do have to be your own whole person who is more than ok being on your own, that alone doesn't mean lonely, and neither does "single". 

It is much easier IMO to be married -it's the truth.  It's looked on respectably, you belong to someone,  you have this badge of maturity and responsibility whether or not it's true and if you have kids even more so despite parent-bashing that goes on.  I don't agree with that situation and maybe it's not true where you are but since I was single till I was engaged and married at age 42 I experienced the stigma of being single in my 30s despite living in a major city where I had tons of single friends.

I heard it all -the constant "still single" label, a famous matchmaker telling me good luck finding a man in our city (then hanging up on me - I was 38, she was annoyed that I called her out on her company's scammy tactics, no I never hired her), the assumption that single adults spend their time partying, the assumption that I'd never been proposed to since if I had been of course I'd be married (wrong), the assumption that I obviously didn't want marriage or kids because of my age and because I was pursuing a competitive, male dominated career.  Or I was "too picky".  It sucks.  It's unfair.  But I was rarely lonely despite being single.  And no I wasn't "alone" -I had friends and family after all. 

None of that awful stigma and those unfair ridiculous and sometimes nasty comments means you get desperate and pick badly. None of that means you should buy into it at all or equate being single with owning cats and being lonely.  Or somehow thinking it's because you suck at relationships.  If you do suck at relationships the answer is not a pity party or "worrying" but figuring out if there's a pattern and if so how to break that pattern.  Being the right person to find the right person.  

Yes sometimes we can see patterns in how we pick people to date and that might help our future choices.  Beyond that it's really very individual and add in timing and life stages etc and it's more random than not.  

You can miss your ex and not react by contacting him.  You can't make yourself miss him less but you can control how you react.

[boltnrun]

Are you currently seeing a therapist?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I am still finding it so hard to deal with has happened, I can't stop missing my ex and feeling sad about the relationship ending 

Untreated depression makes you emotionally unavailable and emotionally unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Until you break the cycle, blaming this ex or the breakup won't help you heal or move forward.

[Bz77]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Don't you ever have parts of you that thinks or feels a certain way that you know doesn't make sense or that you choose not to act on? It happens, it's normal, your choice to react to that irrational feeling that somehow calling him will help you move on.  

As far as being single.  You are single even when you're dating someone exclusively.  Unless you're engaged or married or like married you are single.  Yes sometimes we can see patterns in how we pick people to date and that might help our future choices.  Beyond that it's really very individual and add in timing and life stages etc and it's more random than not.  

You can miss your ex and not react by contacting him.  You can't make yourself miss him less but you can control how you react.

Every time I had felt anxious about something, the only way I have stopped the anxiety is if I have done something about it/talked to my ex partner about it etc, which I know is not normal. I really wish I could let things go and not worry so much. This is the first time I have felt  anxiety over one thing (the cause of the break up, what I should have done differently, the what ifs etc) for this long, I have been obsessively thinking about it for 2 months. 

Contacting him is my choice and I know it is best I don't contact him at all. It just sucks a lot because I miss him more and more each day as he is forgetting about me. I wish I didn't care about this anymore. Even the pain of the break up seems one sided. 

I don't know how I am going to move on when I still feel like this after 2 months.

[boltnrun]

What have you tried to do differently to get yourself past this period of obsessive rumination and self blame? Are you seeing a therapist? Changing your daily routine? Spending time with family, friends or neighbors? Anything else?

[Bz77]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

 

Are you currently seeing a therapist?

 

I’m seeing 2 therapists at the moment.

[Bz77]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

What have you tried to do differently to get yourself past this period of obsessive rumination and self blame? Are you seeing a therapist? Changing your daily routine? Spending time with family, friends or neighbors? Anything else?

 

I see my friends most days. I took a few days off last week and visited a friend who lives a few hours away for a few friends.  I have been spending a lot of time with my family too but nothing seems to be helping me, I can’t stop thinking about the break up even when I am spending time with other people, which is making me feel worse because I don’t like I’m being a good company

[Batya33]

Don’t stop thinking. But while permitting the thoughts act in ways that are giving or show you are present. Like a person who puts down her phone to listen to you. Put down your thoughts as if it was a device and engage and listen and give as appropriate.  The thoughts can coexist. If you don’t attend to them they’ll stay on the periphery then fade after awhile. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I’m seeing 2 therapists at the moment.

Why? 

[boltnrun]

Do your therapists have any good suggestions?

When I went through an awful breakup I just told myself "suck it up, you won't feel this way forever". And it worked because I wasn't trying not to think about a purple elephant. I acknowledged the pain, gave myself permission to feel it, then went on with my day. And I had days where I sobbed uncontrollably in my car but it didn't last.

One thought you can try to eliminate is thinking the only way you'll feel better is to get back together. Remember, that man made you terribly anxious and frequently upset and disappointed you. The "good times" don't erase that, and you did not "make" him treat you poorly. He chose to and it made you miserable.

What currently gives you pleasure? Keep doing those things. And try to stop the self flagellation. That doesn't do you any good.

[Bz77]

On 11/8/2021 at 9:30 PM, boltnrun said:

Do your therapists have any good suggestions?

When I went through an awful breakup I just told myself "suck it up, you won't feel this way forever". And it worked because I wasn't trying not to think about a purple elephant. I acknowledged the pain, gave myself permission to feel it, then went on with my day. And I had days where I sobbed uncontrollably in my car but it didn't last.

One thought you can try to eliminate is thinking the only way you'll feel better is to get back together. Remember, that man made you terribly anxious and frequently upset and disappointed you. The "good times" don't erase that, and you did not "make" him treat you poorly. He chose to and it made you miserable.

What currently gives you pleasure? Keep doing those things. And try to stop the self flagellation. That doesn't do you any good.

The advice my therapists have been giving me has not been that helpful and has been making me more confused at times. One of them asked why am I not reaching out to him if I think that would help me move on, it doesn't matter if I don't get a response as that'll confirm that I should move on. This was said 2 weeks ago and I have been unable to stop thinking about it since. 

I know getting back together is not going to make me feel better as things will not be good if we got back together right now, the break up was complicated, I am desperate for a final chat. I want to hear this is really the end and we will not speak or see each other ever again. I will wish him all the best, probably be sad for a few days then I will move on. I know I won't feel anxious anymore over the break up. The anxiety of not knowing if he is going to reach out to me in 2/3 months is what's making me suffer the most.

Nothing gives me pleasure anymore but I still force myself to see my friends as much as possible.

[Bz77]

On 11/8/2021 at 8:42 PM, Batya33 said:

Don’t stop thinking. But while permitting the thoughts act in ways that are giving or show you are present. Like a person who puts down her phone to listen to you. Put down your thoughts as if it was a device and engage and listen and give as appropriate.  The thoughts can coexist. If you don’t attend to them they’ll stay on the periphery then fade after awhile. 

It's been 2 months, I hope they fade soon

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Bz77 said:

It's been 2 months, I hope they fade soon

They might or might not.  You get to choose your reaction.  And when you react by letting the thoughts exist on the periphery the thoughts tend to stay there. I personally find that the kind of vigorous cardio exercise where your entire focus is on pushing yourself to the limit and beyond tends to help those stressful or anxious or ruminating thoughts stay on the periphery even after you're done exercising or moving yourself.  Or scrubbing floors/angry cleaning.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I want to hear this is really the end and we will not speak or see each other ever again. I will wish him all the best, probably be sad for a few days then I will move on. I know I won't feel anxious anymore over the break up. The anxiety of not knowing if he is going to reach out to me in 2/3 months is what's making me suffer the most.

 

His silence = lack of interest in being with you.  Why in the world would he risk his special person being snapped up by someone else?? Accept that it is the end -even if he reached out to you in 2-3 months all you know is you'll see how you feel about things then.  Even if you spoke to him and he confirmed, again, "this is the end" he still might call you down the road.  Unless he can't -unless you decide to block him.  You're creating this illusion that unless he tells you "this is the end" it's not the end. His actions tell you that of course it's the end. 

Might that change in the future?  Yes the sky could fall in too.  One gorgeous fall morning you could be getting ready for work and watching the news briefly and all of a sudden, a plane hits the world trade center (I know, you were a toddler at the time). 

One morning you could be getting multiple emails from the awful guy you had a date with the night before that are bizarrely accusing you of nonsense and then the phone rings and it's your ex boyfriend you have seen once in 8 years asking if you'd like to grab dinner since he is in town.  You say yes because you know he won't ask you about your dating life which is exhausting you. 

16 years and about 3 months later I'm typing this while he's sleeping and our 12 year old is watching youtube videos.  I mean you can't live on the what ifs.  This is one example -what you are doing -you're telling yourself silly stories about "closure" that will magically happen if he says to you or types to you -"one more time, yes it's over" - that won't give you closure -he's a person who can contact you in one way or another.  So? Doesn't make it any less over now.  

[boltnrun]

I have a friend who's still waiting for her ex to come back because he had proposed when they were together and in her mind he never properly broke up with her.

She's been waiting since 1995.

Don't be her.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I have a friend who's still waiting for her ex to come back because he had proposed when they were together and in her mind he never properly broke up with her.

She's been waiting since 1995.

Don't be her.

I had a friend - attractive, smart, professional, lovely - who pined after a guy in her theater group for 4-5 years and kept reading into "signs" he was into her.  After 4 years he told her he'd been secretly dating a woman in their group and they had recently broken up.  He didn't ask her out then because he liked flirting with her but was never that into her.  This was over 15 years ago.  She's in her 50s now.  To my knowledge never had a serious relationship since then and I know she'd wanted kids.  I know your situation is a bit different but for that 4 years she regularly told me things he said to her, the time they spent together(platonically) always insisting that someday he might come around.

[boltnrun]

I mean, if you refuse to move on until he says once and for all that he's done with the relationship then I guess do what you think you need to do.

I predict you will come back on this thread after this conversation, saying you feel even worse and you wish you'd just accepted it was over.

But you have to do what you feel you must.

[Bz77]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

They might or might not.  You get to choose your reaction.  And when you react by letting the thoughts exist on the periphery the thoughts tend to stay there. I personally find that the kind of vigorous cardio exercise where your entire focus is on pushing yourself to the limit and beyond tends to help those stressful or anxious or ruminating thoughts stay on the periphery even after you're done exercising or moving yourself.  Or scrubbing floors/angry cleaning.

I have been cleaning too and focusing on my work and studies a lot more than I used to. It has helped as I am not as stressed about work but I can't stop thinking about the break up when I am not doing anything, so I have't been able to rest or sleep much 

[Bz77]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

His silence = lack of interest in being with you.  Why in the world would he risk his special person being snapped up by someone else?? Accept that it is the end -even if he reached out to you in 2-3 months all you know is you'll see how you feel about things then.  Even if you spoke to him and he confirmed, again, "this is the end" he still might call you down the road.  Unless he can't -unless you decide to block him.  You're creating this illusion that unless he tells you "this is the end" it's not the end. His actions tell you that of course it's the end. 

Might that change in the future?  Yes the sky could fall in too.  One gorgeous fall morning you could be getting ready for work and watching the news briefly and all of a sudden, a plane hits the world trade center (I know, you were a toddler at the time). 

One morning you could be getting multiple emails from the awful guy you had a date with the night before that are bizarrely accusing you of nonsense and then the phone rings and it's your ex boyfriend you have seen once in 8 years asking if you'd like to grab dinner since he is in town.  You say yes because you know he won't ask you about your dating life which is exhausting you. 

16 years and about 3 months later I'm typing this while he's sleeping and our 12 year old is watching youtube videos.  I mean you can't live on the what ifs.  This is one example -what you are doing -you're telling yourself silly stories about "closure" that will magically happen if he says to you or types to you -"one more time, yes it's over" - that won't give you closure -he's a person who can contact you in one way or another.  So? Doesn't make it any less over now.

I don't think he worries about losing me to someone else, maybe it is because I made his ego so big that he doesn't think I could find someone better than him. When he broke up with me, I asked him if he would care if I date someone else/don't wait for him to finish his PhD, he said if I find someone better than him, he will be happy for me and he would have been happy if I found someone better than him even whilst we were together. 

I know it is the end, I don't understand why it is still so hard for me to accept it, maybe the breakup would have been easier if I wasn't convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life with my ex. I am still in denial at times. I struggle to accept that I may never speak or see him again.

I am happy that it all worked out for you. Did you ever think your ex partner/current partner was going to reach out to you?

[Bz77]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I have a friend who's still waiting for her ex to come back because he had proposed when they were together and in her mind he never properly broke up with her.

She's been waiting since 1995.

Don't be her.

That's something that worries me a lot. I want to move on but I have been finding everything so difficult 

[Bz77]

 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I mean, if you refuse to move on until he says once and for all that he's done with the relationship then I guess do what you think you need to do.

I predict you will come back on this thread after this conversation, saying you feel even worse and you wish you'd just accepted it was over.

But you have to do what you feel you must.

It is probably best I don't do anything. I don't want to regret reaching out, it will probably make me feel worse unless he misses me or wants to get back together after his PhD. I wouldn't know how to cope with feeling worse. I wish it was easier to move on, especially as the relationship wasn't that great towards the end.