I love my partner but not the lifestyle he wants

[Forumposter9]

hello all,

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. For about the first 7/8 months we visited each other on the weekends only, but eventually decided to move in with him (mostly due to Covid lockdown). 

There's some issues in our relationship currently but more pressing is the future of our relationship. He wants to have a child before he reaches 30 (he is currently 25, myself 24) and I've made it quite clear I'm not interested in having children till my 30s. Although, he keeps putting me under pressure to have children sooner. I just don't feel comfortable with this commitment, there's still much of life I want to enjoy in my 20s and just aren't ready for this sort of commitment anytime soon. He also wants us to get a mortgage together within the next two years, although I already have my own mortgage (which I worked stupidly hard for by myself) which caused me a lot of stress. I'm not ready for another one anytime soon, again. In all honestly, I just want to work hard until this global pandemic is sorted and go travelling for a year or two (a career break) to work on myself and confidence. I just feel we want different things out of a relationship in the medium term, but I like being wth him at the moment. I don't know what to do. The house we are living in is paid for by his family but has been told we will be kicked out within the next 18months, eek. Any suggestions? 

 

[melancholy123]

I dont think this is the guy for you as you two are on totally different wavelengths when it comes to kids and buying houses.

I actually agree with you, I had my first child ay 30, no way was I ready before that.  Dont let anyone talk you into having a child before you are ready.  You are the one who will do most of the care taking of the child, no matter what he says, and if you want to travel or anything else first, you need to do that.

So you already have a mortgage on a house, it'd be foolish to get another mortgage on another house so soon.  Can you even afford a second mortgage should the relationship fail?

I think he's way too pushy and I really hope you dont let him talk you out of the things you want to do.

[Capricorn3]

You two are incompatible.  On completely different wavelengths.  It's not going to work (imo). Children and mortgages are a huge thing in a relationship and if you are not ready for any of it, then do not let him change your mind by putting pressure on you. Ever.

You are still very young and you should go ahead and live the life you had planned for yourself.  If that means doing so without him, then so be it.  I also agree with melancholy123 above - I think he is way too pushy and that's a big red flag.  Take heed.  I would head for the door.

[Seraphim]

Children and lifestyles are not something you compromise on. You break up and find someone with same goals , period. 

[Debsterism]

Not only that, he wants all these "wifely" contributions from you in the way of your body, your womb and your money, but nowhere in your post did I see the words "he proposed and we are engaged and planning to get married next year". 

That's your out. Just tell him that there is no way you are setting yourself up to become anyone's BABY MOMMA, nor are you stupid enough to have a mortgage and investment with anyone you are not married to unless you enter the agreement as a corporate entity and have a legally binding contract. See how he likes that. Don't let your emotions get in the way of good sense and proper handling of your finances and other resources. Do not give your body or life over to some clown you've been dating for only a year either. 

I'm not seeing where this relationship is going to last as you want to completely different things. 

[MissCanuck]

You two are fundamentally incompatible. 

I would end this; you're just not suited to each other. 

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, Forumposter9 said:

The house we are living in is paid for by his family but has been told we will be kicked out within the next 18months, eek.

Mentioning this at the top of the post might have helped frame the situation a bit better. It sounds like he wants to co-own with you because of the current living situation. He thinks he has 18 months to get it together, buy a new home and propose/marry you. Both of you aren't on the same page because it's too soon for you to decide if you want to settle down or start a family yet.

Has he addressed your other mortgage or have you both discussed it? What other issues are there in the relationship? You said this: "There's some issues in our relationship currently but..."

What other alternatives do the both of you have cohabitating once this arrangement in his family's house is up? Is his family against the him dating you or living with you? What are the family dynamics?

Find some solution if you both want to remain together and compromise. Otherwise, no, don't hold each other back from your goals or what you want or need to feel happy.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Forumposter9 said:

he keeps putting me under pressure to have children sooner. . He also wants us to get a mortgage together within the next two years, although I already have my own mortgage

Move back to your own place. That way all this pressure he's putting on you will stop.

Why trap yourself in this?

Getting a mortgage together is not a "commitment". 

It seems like he wants someone naive enough to be barefoot and pregnant.

He's not committed to you. No engagement, no marriage just someone to pay for half his living expenses and saddle down with kids.

Run👟👟

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Debsterism said:

Don't let your emotions get in the way of good sense and proper handling of your finances and other resources. Do not give your body or life over to some clown you've been dating for only a year either. 

I agree.

This man is pressuring you and by doing so he's not respecting your needs. That's a big red flag.

Both of you should have accepted that you have different goals and ended things was soon as you found out. You want different things in life. That's okay.

I hope you are using excellent protection to not get pregnant. Move back to where you used to live. It doesn't matter what he'll think. Do what's good for you. You deserve to live your life happy, and have your needs respected. Listen to your inner voice, acknowledge it and trust it.

[melancholy123]

10 hours ago, Debsterism said:

Not only that, he wants all these "wifely" contributions from you in the way of your body, your womb and your money, but nowhere in your post did I see the words "he proposed and we are engaged and planning to get married next year". 

That's your out. Just tell him that there is no way you are setting yourself up to become anyone's BABY MOMMA, nor are you stupid enough to have a mortgage and investment with anyone you are not married to unless you enter the agreement as a corporate entity and have a legally binding contract. See how he likes that. Don't let your emotions get in the way of good sense and proper handling of your finances and other resources. Do not give your body or life over to some clown you've been dating for only a year either. 

I'm not seeing where this relationship is going to last as you want to completely different things. 

This is the best response I've seen among all of the other good responses.

[Cherylyn]

Both of you are incompatible.  It won't work.  He's in a hurry to settle down with kids and a mortgage together and you're not.  It's time to go your separate ways permanently. 

I agree with others.

[smackie9]

I had a BF that didn't want to hear me that I never wanted kids...he begged and begged. I ended up dumping him. I recommend you do the same.

[Aaronaaa96]

Lost my login for 'Forumposter9' so I'm responding on this one.

A few things I should've mentioned: 

1. We're a gay couple. He wants IVF, so we'd seriously need to start planning at 28 latest in that case. IVF seems rather expensive too. Only three years away for me. *panic stations*

2. Yep I do have my own place which is vacant. I moved into his house about a year ago. So we spent about the first 7/8months visiting each other around around our own places on the weekend, then lockdown came so felt I had to move in (otherwise would be a quite lonely existence) but kinda in a rut now.

3. His family paid for the house we are currently living in and all bills, I know unique situation. I'm benefitting a lot from this lifestyle at the moment living in London in a 4-bed house, but this isn't reality. Don't get me wrong, I'm not with him for his house, although it has massively helped justify me being with him as he is currently unemployed and in debt, so there has to be something I am gaining from this (transactionally). He's currently doing a counselling course which should last about 12 months and wants to work in social support / mental health at the end of the course. 

4. Finally, he has done a huge amount for me - when he was working he was quite generous with his money and has given me huge amounts of emotional support. I don't believe relationships should be transactional like this, but I can't help feeling like a doll in doll's house, just fitting into how someone else wants to live. I probably do want children, but not anytime soon. I do want a mortgage with someone, but not anytime soon. And marriage, not really keen on this at all with anyone. 

5. Finally, finally, I don't have any social life really (I've just focussed massively on my career and suffered with low self-esteem), my family is very supportive (although my mum is a bit manipulative) and I am quite close with them, I've spent years lonely before I met him and I am scared of falling back into that. We've supported each other hugely throughout the lockdowns and I don't think I could've made it through them without him. He does have a big social life though and has been travelling, living a more care-free life than me. So hence why he now feels more comfortable with settling down sooner. Yep, deffo feels like we are on different wavelengths. How much am I willing to compromise to be with him is the big question I guess.. 

Hope this gives some more context! 

[Aaronaaa96]

On 10/2/2021 at 6:12 AM, Rose Mosse said:

Mentioning this at the top of the post might have helped frame the situation a bit better. It sounds like he wants to co-own with you because of the current living situation. He thinks he has 18 months to get it together, buy a new home and propose/marry you. Both of you aren't on the same page because it's too soon for you to decide if you want to settle down or start a family yet.

Has he addressed your other mortgage or have you both discussed it? What other issues are there in the relationship? You said this: "There's some issues in our relationship currently but..."

What other alternatives do the both of you have cohabitating once this arrangement in his family's house is up? Is his family against the him dating you or living with you? What are the family dynamics?

Find some solution if you both want to remain together and compromise. Otherwise, no, don't hold each other back from your goals or what you want or need to feel happy.

Just says rent out my place when we get the mortgage. 

Re other issues, just not sure sometimes, his general attitude to me is a bit offish. For example, he is much more cultured than me (see post above about why I'm not) so does tend to pick on me about that quite often. 

Re other alternatives, I go back to my place and he moves back in with his family. He visits me on the weekends in my apartment. We save during this time for a deposit. His family is very keen on me, my family not so much keen on him (they think he is controlling me but yet again, my family do have a tendency to control me) take what you will from that. 

[Seraphim]

The orientation of the couple is not really the question here, it is that you both do not want the same things at the same time. 

[boltnrun]

And what happens if you two split up due to incompatibilities and you now have two mortgages? That makes no financial sense, never mind the huge incompatibility regarding when to become parents.

I recommend you do not proceed with the mortgage. Continue dating if you both want to, but keep and live in your own property. If it's meant to be it will work out.

[Aaronaaa96]

I forgot to mention that he is expecting me to pay about 75% of the mortgage, as he will be on a lower income. 

[Seraphim]

I wouldn’t do it. This is already on the rocks as you don’t want the same things. That doesn’t work. 

[abitbroken]

If a man talks about a mortgage first rather than marriage - run.

Honestly, as a 40+ woman, I would encourage you to not wait until your 30s to start to think about kids. Get all your fertility testing done now to make sure you can and to see what's ahead. So many women wait until 35-40 and find that they have hidden endometriosis , premature ovarian failure etc and wish they would have thought about it earlier.  If at least you know what you are in for and aren't heartbroken when the time comes - you would have already gotten some stuff out of the way. Polyp removal, uterine septum, low AMH, - some of that can be dealt with over time before the time comes.

friends my age are out there traveling, are killing it at their own small business and their children are out of the house or close and I am just sitting here childless.

I am not saying have kids with this guy -- meet another guy if you want...but. You never know what life is going to throw at you and you can't plan like that.  Life may never "go back to normal"

 

[abitbroken]

BTW< its not wrong for him to want to try for kids before 30.  He may not be for you, but its not wrong of him to want.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

If a man talks about a mortgage first rather than marriage - run.

Honestly, as a 40+ woman, I would encourage you to not wait until your 30s to start to think about kids. Get all your fertility testing done now to make sure you can and to see what's ahead. So many women wait until 35-40 and find that they have hidden endometriosis , premature ovarian failure etc and wish they would have thought about it earlier.  If at least you know what you are in for and aren't heartbroken when the time comes - you would have already gotten some stuff out of the way. Polyp removal, uterine septum, low AMH, - some of that can be dealt with over time before the time comes.

friends my age are out there traveling, are killing it at their own small business and their children are out of the house or close and I am just sitting here childless.

I am not saying have kids with this guy -- meet another guy if you want...but. You never know what life is going to throw at you and you can't plan like that.  Life may never "go back to normal"

 

This is a same sex relationship. Both men. He wrote about it in his follow up post.

[abitbroken]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

This is a same sex relationship. Both men. He wrote about it in his follow up post.

Sorry i didn't read that!  

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

26 minutes ago, Aaronaaa96 said:

forgot to mention that he is expecting me to pay about 75% of the mortgage, as he will be on a lower income

Nah. You'll be paying for mortgage AND kids expenses? And have to wake up and take care of kids?... When you don't even want kids and want to enjoy your life for now? When you want to have fun and be free of commitments?

Honey, don't go down that hole. You'll resent it later. You will be very very bitter about it.

I know you love him. But that's not enough. You need to share goals in terms of timelines as well. You need to be compatible. You also need to honour your needs and existence.

Take a moment and ask yourself now: "Am I ready for all of this?".

If you're answer is not an excited yes... You know what to do. It's difficult, cause you love him. But, you can't live a life that you don't agree on. You can't let yourself be walked all over. You can't let yourself become miserable. You are responsible for your happiness and ensuring you live according to it. You're a bright lad and life has a lot waiting for you.

Finally, the fine line here is between sacrifice and compromise. You are about to sacrifice, and that will set the relationship for failure for sure.

[DarkCh0c0]

Be selfish enough to account for your own needs. Be selfless enough to free your partner to find someone who wants the same thing as him.

[Jibralta]

On 10/2/2021 at 12:40 AM, Debsterism said:

That's your out. Just tell him that there is no way you are setting yourself up to become anyone's BABY MOMMA, nor are you stupid enough to have a mortgage and investment with anyone you are not married to unless you enter the agreement as a corporate entity and have a legally binding contract. See how he likes that. Don't let your emotions get in the way of good sense and proper handling of your finances and other resources. Do not give your body or life over to some clown you've been dating for only a year either. 

On 10/2/2021 at 11:31 AM, melancholy123 said:

This is the best response I've seen among all of the other good responses.

On 10/6/2021 at 1:20 PM, Aaronaaa96 said:

We're a gay couple.

 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

@Debsterism still had a great response though (in my opinion) 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂