New girl ... not sure of her intentions

[a_lifters_life]

Hi all, Im 32 M shes 31 F. I run a meetup group, and she attended one, and then told me before i even got home from that meetup that she thought i was very cute and provided her number.

Fast forward about 5 weeks - we've been talking most days via text, and have had 6-8 dates (dinner, bowling, drinking with her roommate/bf, etc). We went through a period on text late at night essentially sexting/talking about sex positions we like, etc with the intention of doing it on Thursday. I slept over Thurs night, Fri Night this week. I said I'd come over last night (sat) but she said she was just planning to have a relaxing night, so im like okay...

needless to say, doing it didnt happen. There was a lot of foreplay/second base (feeling her up), etc. She gave me hickies, all of that.

She told me Thursday night when we first layed down that she didnt want to have sex that night and wanted to get to know me more before we did.

I responded with I was OK with this.

I guess Im just now at a loss of where things are with her.

[Rose Mosse]

Leave out the sexting and focus on your in-person dates. Both of you put the cart before the horse or jumped too far ahead with high expectations.

How was she in person? Is she interested in you as a person? Does she ask you personal questions or for your opinions? Continue asking her out if the interest is there and avoid going over or spending consecutive nights. It’s too much too soon. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, a_lifters_life said:

she didnt want to have sex that night and wanted to get to know me more before we did.

I think she stated her intentions pretty clearly.  She wants to get to know you better before having sex.

What is your goal?  Dating that leads to a relationship?  A casual sex arrangement?

1 hour ago, a_lifters_life said:

I said I'd come over last night (sat) but she said she was just planning to have a relaxing night

She probably thought you might be wanting or expecting sex.  Instead of offering to come over, why not suggest another date?

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, I always had an aversion toward that kind of attitude. She tells you sex positions and calls you to her place for sex, but hey, she wants to get to know you better. OK, maybe she just wants to see if you are serious or not, but to me its still just playing games. But OK, you clearly like her and decided to play her game, there is an interest from her side, so play it. Make an effort, take her out, create an atmosphere for her to see that you are in there to stay. If she still flip-flops just go away. There are enough girls out there who wont play those games with you.

[Tinydance]

Well I'm not sure why she declined sex but the thing is that's what she said, so unfortunately you have to respect it. She seems to be someone that doesn't rush sleeping with someone. I guess some people don't want to just do everything in sex in one go. They might start out with kissing and fondling and then keep progressing.

Do you like this girl and want to keep seeing her? If yes then you could wait and see what happens. But if after another few dates she doesn't want to have sex still then yeah not sure what her reason would be. But I guess because it was only the first time you came over then you could give it more  chances.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, a_lifters_life said:

 drinking with her roommate/bf, 

She has a BF? How is drinking with her roommate/BF a date?

[MissCanuck]

I think she got a little carried away with the sex talk, but she's not ready to sleep with you. She said as much, actually, when she told you she wants to get to know you more. 

I would cut the sex chats and sleepovers, and instead concentrate on really getting to know her, going on dates and so on. Three sleepovers in a row would have been a bit much this early on, so suggest going out instead and plan to go home separately after. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Wiseman2I think he meant her roommate and roommate's bf (so, double-dates).

 

[Kwothe28]

I interpreted it because of "/" as "roomate/BestFriend". As in that she lives with her best friend. In this situation would be indeed weird if "BF" means "boyfriend" except if its what DarkChoco says and that its roomate boyfriend.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

I interpreted it because of "/" as "roomate/BestFriend". As in that she lives with her best friend. In this situation would be indeed weird if "BF" means "boyfriend" except if its what DarkChoco says and that its roomate boyfriend.

Yes I thought he meant like "BFF". Best friend forever lol

[Wiseman2]

A divorced man with a child dating someone who has roommates seems like a mismatch.

[a_lifters_life]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She has a BF? How is drinking with her roommate/BF a date?

It was fun - not a huge drinker myself, but this girl had a lot of  shots thursday night

[a_lifters_life]

48 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Wiseman2I think he meant her roommate and roommate's bf (so, double-dates).

 

Yes this is correct. i drank with this woman, her roommate, and her roommates bf

[a_lifters_life]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A divorced man with a child dating someone who has roommates seems like a mismatch.

why do you say so?

[a_lifters_life]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think she stated her intentions pretty clearly.  She wants to get to know you better before having sex.

What is your goal?  Dating that leads to a relationship?  A casual sex arrangement?

She probably thought you might be wanting or expecting sex.  Instead of offering to come over, why not suggest another date?

my goal is really a true relationship, and def not to sleep around - have never been this way.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, a_lifters_life said:

my goal is really a true relationship, and def not to sleep around - have never been this way.

Well in that case I think maybe just take it slow and go with the flow. I wouldn't say she was outright rejecting you but maybe she just wants to take her time with the sex. She obviously is physically attracted to you because she kissed and fooled around.

[Andrina]

Maybe she had her period and was embarrassed to say so. But anyway you just have to believe what she said since guessing is speculation you can't prove.

You were the last to suggest Saturday which she turned down. I'd let her be the one to ask for the next date. The ball is in her court. This will give you a sign if she's still interested. If she's not, she won't ask and will let communication fade away.

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, a_lifters_life said:

my goal is really a true relationship, and def not to sleep around - have never been this way.

Then why suggest coming over instead of asking her out on a date?

You likely came across as though you wanted sex.

[Batya33]

I think it's always totally fine for a person to change his or her mind about sex and since she barely knows you maybe she did suddenly get her period and didn't want to tell you that. 

I had many sleepovers with guys I was dating where I made it clear in advance we were not going to have sex, I wasn't ready and I was ready for a sleepover.  A few still tried and most did not and almost all of them were totally happy with that sort of arrangement -there were no games, no leading on since I was simple, clear and direct before we were in a hot and heavy situation (and I was never drunk and neither was the person). Once in awhile after we were having sex regularly I would change my mind on a particular night but since I waited months by then I always felt comfortable explaining why.  She did explain why -she realized it was too fast for her.  And that's ok.   I would have more dates in public, and being sober and continue getting to know her.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, a_lifters_life said:

why do you say so?

Drinking and sex are a bad he said/she said combo. Date a while. Let her initiate while you are both in condition to consent, have privacy and know each other a bit better.

[catfeeder]

If all you're talking about is sex, that's pretty one-dimensional and not a great way to get to know a person.

She said she wants to get to know you, so invite her out and go on a date. Leave sex off the table, and if she gets sexual with you, don't try to take it beyond where she leads it.

After the date you can either follow up to ask for another date, or you can hang back and learn whether she invites you for another date.

 

[lostandhurt]

Six dates and I am wondering what she needs to know more about you?

Have you had superficial conversations or have you both shared more deep details of who you are, your life thus far and your hopes and dreams?

If it has been weak on that side and more on the lust side then switch it up a little and leave the sex talk for the bedroom or couch and focus on her, her life and her ambitions, plans, character and all that other stuff.  Then you can decide if you want to continue to see her sex or not. 

 Ask her out on a real date and see how things progress.  Everyone has their own speed and it sounds like she is open and honest about the importance to her about knowing a man better BEFORE sex.  It usually ends up the other way and it gets messy when the time comes to break up because their lives simply don't mesh well.

Lost

[smackie9]

I don't know why you think "I want to get to know you more" is some cryptic message. She doesn't know you all that well yet and she's not going to "assume" what you are looking for. In most women's minds, talk is cheap, actions speak volumes. Go out on dates and spend time getting to know her outside the bedroom.  Pretty simple.

[a_lifters_life]

Hi everyone - thanks for the responses. I invited her on a date today - spent some time together - panera bread, walk around - go to barnes/noble, and a shoe store. I learned a bit more about her.

 

I addressed the sex thing at the end of the date - talked in her car for a few mins, she said mostly the same thing as before - she wanted to get to know me more, which is fine. I reiterated Im not the type of person to sleep around at all and i understood her position noting waiting longer would make it that much more enjoyable.

For now I'll just focus on dates out of our houses for now, and see where it takes me.

Thanks, as always!

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, a_lifters_life said:

I reiterated Im not the type of person to sleep around at all and i understood her position noting waiting longer would make it that much more enjoyable.

Great way to handle it. She'll respect you more and at least you know she's not the every-guy-in-town  type.