Right Person, Wrong Time?

[HannahMarie9]

If you look through my activity history, you may find I've struggled with overattachment, low confidence/self worth and overall unhealthy relationship habits. Since then (four years ago) I have taken an interest in psychology and self improvement. I'm still young (24f), but through therapy and further education, I've come a long way.

Now, for the content you came for:

Four years ago, I met Brad (name changed for privacy). It was an instant connection. I was able to communicate with him effortlessly. He brought me peace, comfort and security when I was with him - not to mention the chemistry between us. The 11 year age gap scared him though. He was an up and coming business owner, afraid that our small town would paint the relationship in a bad light and affect his years of hard work. Although hurt, I respected his wishes, and did my best to move on.

Since then, I have refused to enter a relationship with someone who didn't make me feel the way he did. (Spoiler alert: no one has.) So, over the last few years I've focused on myself and improving myself, both as an individual and as a mother. I feel very confident in who I am now, makes a world of a difference in choosing who is worth my time and who isn't. So, imagine my surprise when Brad messages me asking if we could meet and catch up, he wanted to apologize for how he handled things years ago and express how he's been kicking himself since. 

Being who I am, I was skeptical. Part of me wanted the opportunity to put an end to the fantasy of him I had built in my head years ago, and part of me knew that when I saw him I'd be in trouble. So, when we met, I stood my ground. Even though I was just as drawn to him in that moment as I was four years ago. He makes me feel... respected, heard, understood and desired. Over these past few years, I've come to realize how rare those feelings are. The connection we have feels powerful and unreasonable. Unbreakable, however naïve and ridiculous that sounds, even to me. 

But here's the kicker - he's in a relationship now, with two young children. 

It's been a month, I can't get him out of my head. And I know he struggles with the same. I respect his relationship, but my feelings seem to have a mind of their own. Essentially, I've come to be involved in an emotional affair, playing the role of the "mistress". We steal moments together, just to be near one another feels good. I don't morally feel good about it, I know his girlfriend is a good person who does NOT deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that.

He fears that if he leaves her, he'll lose time with his children. He loves them more than anything else, and I get that, of course. I'm not a monster, but I am in a conundrum. I suppose I don't necessarily need advice. I know what I SHOULD do. I know I should leave and make him figure it out himself, but that seems impossible now. Just wanted to get this mess off my chest.

Thanks for listening.

[Andrina]

39 minutes ago, HannahMarie9 said:

He fears that if he leaves her, he'll lose time with his children.

Your self-worth isn't at the best level you thought it was. He's not an ethically decent man. If he were and was unhappy in his relationship and yet not willing to break up, he would be doing everything in his power to fix the relationship. Instead, he wants the comforts of an intact family plus a side-piece who he cares nothing for. He doesn't care that his side-piece will never fully have him, either physically or emotionally. How she will spend all the major holidays without him. How she will have to be a dirty secret.

Chemistry only makes up one part of who you should be with. That seems to be the only part you two possess. You say he respects you? Wow, it's quite the opposite. If he did, he wouldn't have reached out to a naive, thirsty woman he knows lacks self-respect. You were easy prey for him. And his excuse he'd lose time with his children is nonsense. Unless a parent is neglectful or abusive, he will receive his fair share of custody. Regardless, if the excuse was valid, it's still not right to use other people for his own lustful needs.

This is a small town, so if you don't think many see what's going on, you're wrong. Save your sanity and reputation and delete him from your life ASAP. As a mother, you especially don't want to be this sort of role model for you child, who sees and hears everything and will witness how you run your life. 

Yeah, your fantasy of who he is will never match reality. Being alone is better than being in an inappropriate relationship. You have far more work to do on yourself. Good luck.

[HannahMarie9]

9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You have far more work to do on yourself.

 

You're right. Thank you for your candor, can always count on an outside view to be harsh and realistic, which is why I posted. Growth is never ending, everyone has something to work on, and I won't stop trying to better myself.

[Rose Mosse]

You are better off ending this emotional affair before things become more drawn out.

You say you haven’t dated either and seem to have put your life on hold. Do you mind me asking why? Dating as a single parent isn’t easy. You’re using the comfortable memory of this man as an excuse not to really move on and give other potential dates a chance. You’re stuck and still living in a fantasy world from years past. It’s easy for someone like him to use you. 

 

[Jibralta]

57 minutes ago, Andrina said:

He's not an ethically decent man. If he were and was unhappy in his relationship and yet not willing to break up, he would be doing everything in his power to fix the relationship. Instead, he wants the comforts of an intact family plus a side-piece who he cares nothing for. He doesn't care that his side-piece will never fully have him, either physically or emotionally. How she will spend all the major holidays without him. How she will have to be a dirty secret.

I agree.

1 hour ago, HannahMarie9 said:

Since then, I have refused to enter a relationship with someone who didn't make me feel the way he did. (Spoiler alert: no one has.)

There's so much more to a relationship than how people make you feel. You need to learn how to raise your standards or you're going to end up with some cheap thrills garbage 'relationship' instead of something good and solid.

[HannahMarie9]

15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You say you haven’t dated either and seem to have put your life on hold. Do you mind me asking why? Dating as a single parent isn’t easy. You’re using the comfortable memory of this man as an excuse not to really move on and give other potential dates a chance. You’re stuck and still living in a fantasy world from years past.

 

I have dated and had two serious relationships since, I only use him as reference since communication and honesty are incredibly important to me in a relationship. Something that is increasingly difficult to find, it seems. Trust me, there is no fantasy world I live in.

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, HannahMarie9 said:

I have dated and had two serious relationships since, I only use him as reference since communication and honesty are incredibly important to me in a relationship. Something that is increasingly difficult to find, it seems. Trust me, there is no fantasy world I live in.

I don’t see how this man is a good reference for honesty or communication. He is dishonest in his marriage. If he can do that, he can be dishonest with you also as you are just a side piece or mistress. You are in denial and it is a fantasy world you’re living in, perhaps some nostalgia from the past clouding your judgment.

Don’t let your hang ups about past relationships completely blind you to what’s going on.

[Jibralta]

15 minutes ago, HannahMarie9 said:

I only use him as reference since communication and honesty are incredibly important to me in a relationship.

If communication and honesty are important, this is not the man to use for a reference.

[DarkCh0c0]

Okay.

Let's flip the coin.

You're his wife, have his children and he's going out with a mistress.

What would you as the wife think of him? Is he still that respectful man?

If yes, then you need therapy cause you still have a looong way to go.

And, this man is giving you a bs excuse to why he won't leave his wife. He just doesn't want to- for whatever reason. You just aren't worth the trouble. Let that sink in.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Right Person, Wrong Time?

More like "wrong person, both times"...

He was afraid that 31 year old dating a 20 year old would paint a bad picture? Was he afraid people would high five him too much so his hand would hurt? 🤣

That guy was full of crap both of times. You not seeing it, and still playing his games, its sad. First time he just left you with BS excuse. Second time he came back with girlfriend and kids, to a person he knows has fallen for him. To be his lover with excuse how he cant leave kids. He will never leave her for you. Only thing that guy struggles is lies he serves to his girlfriend about his whereabouts. For you, he doesnt care. He will leave the second sex gets boring or finds anyone else believing his lies. I am sorry, its the truth and even you know it. But refuse to accept it and say how its "impossible" to leave. No, its very possible. You just wont do the right thing. What is worst you are haltering your own emotional growth. For some youthful crush you think its "love". You are in your best years to meet new people and form relationships. And you are wasting them on some 35 year old big shot guy with girlfriend and kids.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, HannahMarie9 said:

he's in a relationship now, with two young children. 

Run. Do not date married/taken men. It's that simple.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, HannahMarie9 said:

Four years ago, I met Brad (name changed for privacy). It was an instant connection. I was able to communicate with him effortlessly. He brought me peace, comfort and security when I was with him - not to mention the chemistry between us. The 11 year age gap scared him though.

This was 4 years ago.... Where, he brought YOU Peace, comfort and security.  Sadly, now, with this triangle you are in he is NOT bringing any peace or security to anyone!

He is selfish and you have let this happen.. You have been stuck on this guy who walked away from you and managed to move on, obviously.

 

5 hours ago, HannahMarie9 said:

So, over the last few years I've focused on myself and improving myself, both as an individual and as a mother. I feel very confident in who I am now, makes a world of a difference in choosing who is worth my time and who isn't

I suggest you keep doing this... Think of yourself and how all of this is going to once again, affect YOU.  Plus you are a mother.  

IF you admit with your 'self focus' , it has made a world of difference in choosing who is worth your time and who isn't.. Then why is he here, again?

Time for YOU to back track and re-focus... right?

SElf respect and respect for the other side as well!

Move along.. away from this cheater who isn't worth YOUR time or emotional energy.

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

6 hours ago, HannahMarie9 said:

But here's the kicker - he's in a relationship now, with two young children. 

It's been a month, I can't get him out of my head. And I know he struggles with the same. I respect his relationship, but my feelings seem to have a mind of their own. Essentially, I've come to be involved in an emotional affair, playing the role of the "mistress". We steal moments together, just to be near one another feels good. I don't morally feel good about it, I know his girlfriend is a good person who does NOT deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that.

He fears that if he leaves her, he'll lose time with his children. He loves them more than anything else, and I get that, of course. I'm not a monster, but I am in a conundrum. I suppose I don't necessarily need advice. I know what I SHOULD do. I know I should leave and make him figure it out himself, but that seems impossible now. Just wanted to get this mess off my chest.

Thanks for listening.

He was concerned regarding his reputation in a small town by being involved in a relationship with a woman 11 years his junior.  Both of you broke up and moved on.

Then he contacts you.  He's a player, HannahMarie9.  He wishes to sit on both sides of the fence with you on the side as a free person to play with.  He's playing you and his girlfriend for fools.  

He's fooling around on his girlfriend, you are partaking in this sick game of his and he's cheating on you, too. You should've listened to your gut instincts and intuition regarding this dangerous game you're involved in.  Everyone gets hurt; his girlfriend, his children and you.  There will be harsh consequences for this gamble, risky and unintelligent behavior.    

He is in a relationship and he's a father of two young children.

You know what you SHOULD do.  It's NOT impossible.  It's not too late to do the right thing and do the honorable thing.  Respect his girlfriend and his two young children.  Don't be "the other woman."  Dissolve and exit this hot mess immediately.  Listen to your misgivings.  WRONG PERSON AT THE WRONG TIME.  Lose lose situation all around. 

[Lambert]

Having healthy self esteem and boundaries does not guarantee you'll meet people that "make you feel" a certain way. It guarantees you won't settle for less. 

1. You have to make yourself feel all those things on your own. You cannot give that power to anyone.  

2. You have to hold up your boundaries to people that don't fit your criteria. 

Honestly, you're making excuses to lower your boundaries and creating a narrative that justifies being with a lying, cheating, user! 

He is bored, lonely, horny... and with no options.  What do all people do when they have no options?

They flip back through past discards.  Who can fill a gap? 

Mix in you're currently single and not happy with the people you've been meeting and what do you get? 

You're a mistress, being used and limiting your own options.  

Users only use those that allow themselves to be used. 

Ending this today is the only healthy choice. 

[catfeeder]

You wanted to pop your fantasy bubble about him, so why doesn't your front row seat to view his capacity for disloyalty pop that for you?

Even if you were to 'win,' you'd lose. If he ever leaves his relationship you'd enjoy your victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've been promoted from the one he's disloyal WITH to the one he'll be disloyal to NEXT.

What about that makes you feel so secure and understood?

My fantasy would be popped, alright. I'd move on fast, and I'd trust that I will thank myself later.

Head high, and Respect Your Self.