questions How important is sex in a relationship?

[AnonAccount]

This question is based on a previous post I made about my boyfriend getting moody when I don’t want to have sex. After reading the replies to that, me and him had a conversation, and it led me to want to know how others view sex in a relationship. 

I’m mostly looking for a male perspective, but of course I would like to hear from anyone who has answers (whether in a relationship or not). 

feel free to simply answer the title with your opinion “how Important is sex in a relationship”? But below I have some related/unrelated questions that I would like to hear about as well. 

Main Questions:

how often do you feel you should be having sex with your partner?

What does it mean to you?

If you’re someone who is ok with hookups, what’s the difference between a hookup and having sex with a committed partner? 

If your partner started to lose their sex drive, and the activities were less frequent, how long would you wait to say something? (Like how long would you guys have to go with little to no sex) 

If you lost sexual attraction to your partner (no desire or ability to do sexual activities) how would this affect the relationship? 

If your partner lost the ability (maybe became paralyzed or something) to have sex with you, would you be able to stay with them? 

Do you think it’s possible to maintain a healthy relationship if there is little sex? (Twice a month or longer perhaps)

When your partner does not feel like having sex after you ask, how does it make you feel? How do you react? 

Do you think it’s healthy to have sex everyday? Or do you feel there needs to be breaks? 

(!Trigger Warning!) this question is a bit unrelated but still relevant to what I’m trying to understand; If your partner was r*ped, would that ruin your sexual attraction towards them? Would you be able to continue to be with them? 

Some people view sex as a “reward” do you agree or disagree with this? 

If your partner needed a prolonged break from sexual activities, how long do you feel you would be ok with? Or is this something you would not be ok with? 
 

Do you feel that the more dominant partner, should be the one initiating sex every time? 
 

Related to the previous question, if you’re in a relationship where you are the one to usually initiate sex, do you feel like your partner would try to initiate it if you stopped? If not, how long do you think you guys would go without doing anything before they say anything? 
 

Again related to previous questions, How would you feel/react if your partner explained that your initiation felt more like you were pressuring them into sex?

I think that’s it for now, thank you to anyone who provides insight and answers.

[SooSad33]

16 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

how often do you feel you should be having sex with your partner?

What does it mean to you?

Everyone & their relationship is different. Some have it often, others, can be cpl times a week/month. - at least it happens.

17 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

If you’re someone who is ok with hookups, what’s the difference between a hookup and having sex with a committed partner? 

First off, I am not okay w/ hook ups if I am involved with someone.

Difference- If you agree with hook ups, better hope no 'feelings' come about.  As for having sex with a committed partner, that's the one you should be most focused on. ( But, if you have a partner, why should you also want hook ups?) .

20 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

If your partner started to lose their sex drive, and the activities were less frequent, how long would you wait to say something? (Like how long would you guys have to go with little to no sex) 

- would this be because they are having hook ups?  I would be saying something if nothing has happened within 2 months. When it's gone on long enough & starts to concern me.

21 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

If you lost sexual attraction to your partner (no desire or ability to do sexual activities) how would this affect the relationship? 

It would cause problems for sure, as sex is a normal part of a 'healthy' relationship... So, to lose attraction in that sense, shows it's lacking or dying off.

23 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

Do you think it’s possible to maintain a healthy relationship if there is little sex? (Twice a month or longer perhaps)

Yes, at least it still exists.  Often, after a while, this happens.

24 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

When your partner does not feel like having sex after you ask, how does it make you feel? How do you react? 

I'd accept it.  Often there are reasons- they are too exhausted.. work issue's, stress, etc.

25 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

Do you think it’s healthy to have sex everyday? Or do you feel there needs to be breaks? 

Healthy? Sure.  Some are like this.. I have a friend who said he's active daily.

26 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

If your partner was r*ped, would that ruin your sexual attraction towards them? Would you be able to continue to be with them? 

That is something that is understandable.. But if it affected my relationship, to where they could not handle it, it would become a concern... Would not affect my attraction to them.

28 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

Some people view sex as a “reward” do you agree or disagree with this? 

No, sex is not a reward.  it occurs in every relationship.  It is a closeness that a couple shares.  Their time to enjoy each other another way. 

32 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

If your partner needed a prolonged break from sexual activities, how long do you feel you would be ok with? Or is this something you would not be ok with? 

Needing some type of break, fine.  Just not forever.  it is something that is needed- wants, etc. ( didnt you already go there?) 

33 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

Do you feel that the more dominant partner, should be the one initiating sex every time? 

I feel it should go both way.. I'm sure sometimes, the other one is in the mood... then they can 'act'.

34 minutes ago, AnonAccount said:

do you feel like your partner would try to initiate it if you stopped? If not, how long do you think you guys would go without doing anything before they say anything? 

Would hope so.. has to be some give. Give it a few weeks the most.. IF sex is an issue, like any issue/concern, communication is necessary.

If they react by saying they are feeling pressured, you try to be understandable about it.

** If YOU feel sexually frustrated and cannot handle these problems, then maybe you need to remove yourself from the relationship -do not cheat - out of respect!*

 

[AnonAccount]

55 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Everyone & their relationship is different. Some have it often, others, can be cpl times a week/month. - at least it happens.

First off, I am not okay w/ hook ups if I am involved with someone.

Difference- If you agree with hook ups, better hope no 'feelings' come about.  As for having sex with a committed partner, that's the one you should be most focused on. ( But, if you have a partner, why should you also want hook ups?) .

- would this be because they are having hook ups?  I would be saying something if nothing has happened within 2 months. When it's gone on long enough & starts to concern me.

It would cause problems for sure, as sex is a normal part of a 'healthy' relationship... So, to lose attraction in that sense, shows it's lacking or dying off.

Yes, at least it still exists.  Often, after a while, this happens.

I'd accept it.  Often there are reasons- they are too exhausted.. work issue's, stress, etc.

Healthy? Sure.  Some are like this.. I have a friend who said he's active daily.

That is something that is understandable.. But if it affected my relationship, to where they could not handle it, it would become a concern... Would not affect my attraction to them.

No, sex is not a reward.  it occurs in every relationship.  It is a closeness that a couple shares.  Their time to enjoy each other another way. 

Needing some type of break, fine.  Just not forever.  it is something that is needed- wants, etc. ( didnt you already go there?) 

I feel it should go both way.. I'm sure sometimes, the other one is in the mood... then they can 'act'.

Would hope so.. has to be some give. Give it a few weeks the most.. IF sex is an issue, like any issue/concern, communication is necessary.

If they react by saying they are feeling pressured, you try to be understandable about it.

** If YOU feel sexually frustrated and cannot handle these problems, then maybe you need to remove yourself from the relationship -do not cheat - out of respect!*

 

Hey thank you for your answers! I noticed you also commented on my previous post too actually. Honestly these questions are based on my observations in my current relationship but not a lot of them actually are directly related to the issues at hand. For example “

If you lost sexual attraction to your partner (no desire or ability to do sexual activities) how would this affect the relationship? “

is directly related because my boyfriend explained to me his sexual attraction to me was lost, since my sex drive has gone down.. how he explained it made me feel as if our relationship was on the line and I wanted to see if that would be the case for others in his position. Whereas

“If you’re someone who is ok with hookups, what’s the difference between a hookup and having sex with a committed partner? ”

is not directly related because neither me or him is hooking up with anyone, we’re loyal to each other. But he used to have hookups a lot before he met me, so I wanted to understand more about the difference between the situations. I think I should have worded that question better because I’m more looking to see how people behave with someone they’re just trying to hookup with vs a partner. Totally unrelated example lol: I personally feel like getting frustrated when someone doesn’t want to have sex is something that happens more when you’re just in it for quick sex, whereas if it’s your partner you may feel bummed but it’s not a big deal. 

 

[Hollyj]

You left out a lot of relevant info.  We all advised you to lose this guy because he does not respect or care about you.   Find someone local. 

A quote from Dancing Fool in your other thread: 

"Your so called boyfriend is nothing more than an entitled misogynist. He doesn't see you or women at large as human beings but more just as a convenient appliance, be it for sex or cleaning the house. When you don't behave like a good little compliant appliance, he punishes you and otherwise manipulates you.

When a guy acts like that, you don't try to please him or figure it out, you dump him with extreme prejudice. Raise your standards and expect better and don't fall for any begging and promises of better he might do. Reeling you back into compliance and service is not to be confused with actually caring about you. He cares about himself and only himself.

Of course that does leave you feeling like garbage and if you continue with him, you will increasingly feel worse and worse as he will continue to treat you like dirt and erode your self esteem.

When a guy doesn't treat you right, you need to drop kick him out of your life. Who cares what "serious" bs he is talking about some future. You are living your future right now - an entitled loser treating you like a sex toy on demand. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Don't listen to future talk, learn to pay attention to right here and now. He makes you feel like garbage, that's your clue to dump him and find better for yourself."

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AnonAccount said:

This question is based on a previous post I made about my boyfriend getting moody when I don’t want to have sex.

Survey questions won't help you with the real issues here:

 

[AnonAccount]

4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

You left out a lot of relevant info.  We all advised you to lose this guy because he does not respect or care about you.   Find someone local. 

A quote from Dancing Fool in your other thread: 

"Your so called boyfriend is nothing more than an entitled misogynist. He doesn't see you or women at large as human beings but more just as a convenient appliance, be it for sex or cleaning the house. When you don't behave like a good little compliant appliance, he punishes you and otherwise manipulates you.

When a guy acts like that, you don't try to please him or figure it out, you dump him with extreme prejudice. Raise your standards and expect better and don't fall for any begging and promises of better he might do. Reeling you back into compliance and service is not to be confused with actually caring about you. He cares about himself and only himself.

Of course that does leave you feeling like garbage and if you continue with him, you will increasingly feel worse and worse as he will continue to treat you like dirt and erode your self esteem.

When a guy doesn't treat you right, you need to drop kick him out of your life. Who cares what "serious" bs he is talking about some future. You are living your future right now - an entitled loser treating you like a sex toy on demand. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Don't listen to future talk, learn to pay attention to right here and now. He makes you feel like garbage, that's your clue to dump him and find better for yourself."

Hey thanks for the reply; honestly the two posts do relate to each other but I wanted answers to these questions because After the conversation I had with him last night I’m trying to further validate my own feelings towards the situation. 

sorry to do this but I think I’ll leave an update under this reply: 

after I posted that , I later got a call from him. He came to me and said his sexual attraction for me was gone, because for a while “I kept shutting him down” and he felt like I didn’t want him sexually anymore. He felt as if I reached a point where Anything sexual we do won’t be genuine on my end. I explained everything, mainly explaining that when he gives me those negative responses for not wanting to have sex it causes this cycle; negative response = no sex drive and the longer it continues the less I’ll want to do it. I explained that it’s disrespectful and hurtful how he reacts and I wanted an answer as to why he does that. He got really defensive at first but eventually opened up to me about it all: he doesn’t appreciate the “switch up” meaning how we used to go from doing it everyday to barely at all anymore. He talked about sex as a reward, about how when I say I’m not in the mood it’s like a big “f*ck you” to him. How I leave when he’s in a bad mood after I say I don’t want to. That yes he gets upset, but if it ruins his mood It’s unfair that I get upset about that. He completely does not see how he’s in the wrong and kept telling me we won’t see eye to eye on this.
 

the whole conversation shocked and disgusted me. I told him that maybe it’s best we end it, because if sex is so important to him and he isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore it’s just bound to cause issues. We contemplated for a while whether we should leave each other, he told me “he doesn’t know how he’ll act anymore, but he’s not going to leave me, if I want to leave him he won’t stop me.” I told him that I do truly love him but if we’re ever to fix this issue we need to understand each other’s points of view. Anyone who reads this will hate me for this next part: he told me he will Never give up on me and was willing to tackle this issue, we talked more which led to us having sex. He randomly said “I don’t think my sexual attraction has changed, I’m really h*rny right now” we laughed about it at first but then I was the one to give into it. During that he kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to do this, and I kept asking him if he was sure and we both said yes.. stupidly.

after the whole thing went down, we acted as if everything was fine, but I told him that we still Have issues here that haven’t been solved and we’ll have to talk about them later. He jokingly said “just have sex with me and we’ll be fine” but I could hardly take that as a joke. All the feelings from before came back. It’s the next day now and I’m contemplating asking him for space until I’m ready to talk about this again. The more I think about the situation the more sh*tty I feel about everything. If he really doesn’t want to give up on us he’ll have to understand my feelings and if he can’t then I’ll have to leave.. 

overall these questions were to understand how other people view sex in relationships, I personally don’t feel like it’s so important to the point where if we go a month without it we should be talking about breaking up. I want to see if I can understand why he puts sex on this pedestal.. If My way of seeing it is flawed in anyway. 

[Lambert]

I think you're trying to find explanations for how you're both feeling and then using that as justification for what to do.  Which is what makes sense for a lot of decisions; like do I want to buy a car or an SUV? 

But I think what you're missing is... all the answers are already in you.  Sex & it's influence on a relationship, only matters to the two people involved. PERIOD.

If you don't know how you feel, then you have to spend time with yourself thinking that out.  Is something in line with your values etc. 

As it stands now, you've already told yourself how you feel, through negative feelings. but you don't like how that bodes for the relationship.  So you're making it super complicated. 

And to boot, sending mix signals to your bf. in your last response, you say you guys laughed when he says his attraction hasn't changed and he's just horny. Then your offended when he says the problem will be solved, if you just have sex more. 

He's being as clear as possible. You're making it muddy. 

Sorry if this is not in line with your other thread.  I didn't read that one. My response is strictly what I gathered out of this one. 

[Rose Mosse]

But it's long distance so you're both masturbating over the phone? This isn't really sex. Sorry to say this.

Sex is a bonding exercise usually between individuals, physically. It's human touch that adds depth to the relationship. Since it's LDR I think your boyfriend is just treating you like a real jerk (stonewalling, one word answers, neglect, disinterest). Pardon the language but he's no boyfriend.

You're finding that you're developing more of an emotional capacity in the relationship but he doesn't reciprocate. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Is he grooming you to be a porn actor/sex worker?

You need to talk to a trusted adult about this creep.

He's not your BF, you're not dating. You've never met.

 Stop the surveys. 

[boltnrun]

Have you ever met this guy in person?  Not over an electronic device but actually live, in person?

If not, why not?  And if so, why all the focus on online "sex"?  Online isn't "having sex".

[Tinydance]

I actually don't think that asking other people everything they think and feel about sex will really help because all people are different. Regarding sex it's very personal. You should feel the way YOU feel and think only about what you want. I don't really want just hookups, I want a serious partner. If I had a serious partner and we lived together, I'd like to have sex every day. If we didn't live together them I'd just like to have sex every time we see each other. That's not to say that everyone else should want sex every day. Some people are asexual and don't even want to have sex. I think you should write down your own answers to every question. That will tell you how YOU feel. How others feel doesn't really matter.

[AnonAccount]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

I think you're trying to find explanations for how you're both feeling and then using that as justification for what to do.  Which is what makes sense for a lot of decisions; like do I want to buy a car or an SUV? 

But I think what you're missing is... all the answers are already in you.  Sex & it's influence on a relationship, only matters to the two people involved. PERIOD.

If you don't know how you feel, then you have to spend time with yourself thinking that out.  Is something in line with your values etc. 

As it stands now, you've already told yourself how you feel, through negative feelings. but you don't like how that bodes for the relationship.  So you're making it super complicated. 

And to boot, sending mix signals to your bf. in your last response, you say you guys laughed when he says his attraction hasn't changed and he's just horny. Then your offended when he says the problem will be solved, if you just have sex more. 

He's being as clear as possible. You're making it muddy. 

Sorry if this is not in line with your other thread.  I didn't read that one. My response is strictly what I gathered out of this one. 

I agree with you after some thinking honestly. He mentioned how I send mixed signals in our conversation yesterday and I didn’t get it.
my previous post basically talked about how my boyfriend gets really moody when I say I don’t want to do any sexual activities; a problem that’s been happening for a while.
 

I realize that we just have very different views on it and I did not do my part in communicating that. We did go from doing it everyday to going a few days to a month without it. So of course things got complicated. My only issue now is how he reacted when I did communicate that. It’s like, he feels like it was solved after we had sex but I still have the whole conversation running through my head over and over again. Our relationship was on the line, there’s way more to it, sex can’t make it go away overnight. I plan to talk to him about it again tomorrow. 

[AnonAccount]

19 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually don't think that asking other people everything they think and feel about sex will really help because all people are different. Regarding sex it's very personal. You should feel the way YOU feel and think only about what you want. I don't really want just hookups, I want a serious partner. If I had a serious partner and we lived together, I'd like to have sex every day. If we didn't live together them I'd just like to have sex every time we see each other. That's not to say that everyone else should want sex every day. Some people are asexual and don't even want to have sex. I think you should write down your own answers to every question. That will tell you how YOU feel. How others feel doesn't really matter.

Even if I got 1000 replies answering all these questions, it’s true that everyone’s responses would be different. 
 

I guess I was hoping to find common ground, like if I got a lot of answers that were similar on certain questions I could understand that it’s not just him or not just me. Overall with these questions I thought I could understand his point better. I definitely understand the importance of sex will vary for each person, and that in each relationship it will be placed higher or lower on the list of priorities.

I think me and him just view it differently as a man and a woman. I’m more emotional as a being and he’s more physical. I thought if I got answers that lined up with his mentality than it would make it easier to respect that we view things differently. Whereas If the responses lined up with my mentality I could feel a bit more validation in what I’m going through with him. I know it’s a bit naive as well, but that was my train of thought posting these questions. 

[AnonAccount]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he grooming you to be a porn actor/sex worker?

You need to talk to a trusted adult about this creep.

He's not your BF, you're not dating. You've never met.

 Stop the surveys. 

Trust me , it’s not that sort of online relationship. 
I can appreciate the opinions of people in these threads about online relationships; often it’s hard to see anything that happens online as real. But in all honestly I see this as an old school way of thinking. 
I’ve been in local relationships, online relationships, relationships that started online than later turned into an in person thing.

I admit when it’s online, it’s easier to pretend to be someone you’re not, but through my experiences, it’s also very possible to be yourself online and in person too; you can experience very real moments with someone even if you’re not physically with them. There’s a whole world of individuals out there in the world and I see online dating as an acknowledgment that you’re not limited to the people around you. 
 

Despite all of this I do agree that when dating online you need to educate yourself about red flags, and safety measures. 

[catfeeder]

Has it occurred to you that this guy might be selling your sex on video?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, AnonAccount said:

, it’s also very possible to be yourself online and in person too; you can experience very real moments with someone even if you’re not physically with them. 

What you are doing is free sex chat for random weirdos. That's not a relationship.

Why do this? You could put yourself through college, buy a car, house etc. if you did the same exact thing you are already doing (sex chat with random creeps), but got paid for it.💰

You're not here for advice. You're trying to hone your sexchat skills or looking for customers.

That's why you're asking a million inappropriate survey questions.

Or just bored and catfishing.🐟

[lostandhurt]

Wow

You are being naive.  You are not having sex, you are performing for him and possibly thousands of others.

If you have never met then it is not real.  It is that simple.

Lost

PS Your title should have been:  "How important is web cam sex in a relationship?"

[Hollyj]

10 hours ago, AnonAccount said:

Hey thanks for the reply; honestly the two posts do relate to each other but I wanted answers to these questions because After the conversation I had with him last night I’m trying to further validate my own feelings towards the situation. 

sorry to do this but I think I’ll leave an update under this reply: 

after I posted that , I later got a call from him. He came to me and said his sexual attraction for me was gone, because for a while “I kept shutting him down” and he felt like I didn’t want him sexually anymore. He felt as if I reached a point where Anything sexual we do won’t be genuine on my end. I explained everything, mainly explaining that when he gives me those negative responses for not wanting to have sex it causes this cycle; negative response = no sex drive and the longer it continues the less I’ll want to do it. I explained that it’s disrespectful and hurtful how he reacts and I wanted an answer as to why he does that. He got really defensive at first but eventually opened up to me about it all: he doesn’t appreciate the “switch up” meaning how we used to go from doing it everyday to barely at all anymore. He talked about sex as a reward, about how when I say I’m not in the mood it’s like a big “f*ck you” to him. How I leave when he’s in a bad mood after I say I don’t want to. That yes he gets upset, but if it ruins his mood It’s unfair that I get upset about that. He completely does not see how he’s in the wrong and kept telling me we won’t see eye to eye on this.
 

the whole conversation shocked and disgusted me. I told him that maybe it’s best we end it, because if sex is so important to him and he isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore it’s just bound to cause issues. We contemplated for a while whether we should leave each other, he told me “he doesn’t know how he’ll act anymore, but he’s not going to leave me, if I want to leave him he won’t stop me.” I told him that I do truly love him but if we’re ever to fix this issue we need to understand each other’s points of view. Anyone who reads this will hate me for this next part: he told me he will Never give up on me and was willing to tackle this issue, we talked more which led to us having sex. He randomly said “I don’t think my sexual attraction has changed, I’m really h*rny right now” we laughed about it at first but then I was the one to give into it. During that he kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to do this, and I kept asking him if he was sure and we both said yes.. stupidly.

after the whole thing went down, we acted as if everything was fine, but I told him that we still Have issues here that haven’t been solved and we’ll have to talk about them later. He jokingly said “just have sex with me and we’ll be fine” but I could hardly take that as a joke. All the feelings from before came back. It’s the next day now and I’m contemplating asking him for space until I’m ready to talk about this again. The more I think about the situation the more sh*tty I feel about everything. If he really doesn’t want to give up on us he’ll have to understand my feelings and if he can’t then I’ll have to leave.. 

overall these questions were to understand how other people view sex in relationships, I personally don’t feel like it’s so important to the point where if we go a month without it we should be talking about breaking up. I want to see if I can understand why he puts sex on this pedestal.. If My way of seeing it is flawed in anyway. 

But, you  have never met or had sex as this is all virtual. 

[boltnrun]

Masturbating for the viewing pleasure of a man you've never met is not "having sex".

Do you know if he's been recording your masturbation sessions? For your sake I hope not. You don't want to end up featured on a porn site, do you?

I know this isn't the advice you want but it's very important to be cautious. Particularly when it's someone you've never even seen in person.