He cancelled the Wedding

[VeraBraun]

Hi, everyone ! sorry, my English isn't perfect but I hope you understand me!

I studied in Austria for 3.5 years ,but I am from Moscow and wanted to move back later, because I never had a plan to live somewhere instead of my home town ( so you understand that this is about love and not about visas or anything else ).

But I fell in love with Austrian so deep  and we were together  for 3.5 years, my whole study time .
I never had such feelings he was my whole world .He is also a student but much more adult (mentally) than any other student in their 27( I thought so) . I have never experienced such understanding and acceptance and he has always said that I am "the love of his life". I never asked anything and was with him through all the most difficult times when he was in hospital due to kidney disease and when he had depression . When I graduated (was on media faculty) the lockdown started and everything was closed, in order  to find a job for me, as for non EU citizen I should have  find a job with at least 2600 euro salary also in the media field, + I would need work permition. Of course, it was hardly possible with Corona situation. But my bf promised me that he would never allow me to fly away from him, he wants children from me in the future and cannot live without me . I trusted him more than anyone else in the world and even when I was in Moscow ,I was looking for job so that I could pay for our apartment myself in the future and he could focus on his masters degree. And after 2 months of searching and distance, he asked the most important question: "will u marry me ?" …

I was so  happy . This of course would not mean that I would just sit and do nothing ,it was just a possibility to be together again and I would work and he would study. I already bought a dress and prepared documents and he was overjoyed too, it was his decision... And then suddenly he cancelled everything !!! He explained that it was all true, and he loves me but he is not ready and has to study (as a person I understand him, but as a woman, it broke my heart ).

How can you first make a proposal and then just leave me when I've already canceled everything at home and have explained to my parents. I went through it and still stayed in touch with him every day because I just can't live without this person ... and I told him that I'm willing to wait for him for 2 years and then we can both work and until then we can be in distance relationship, and he was again so inconsistent "distance relationships" he doesn't want ,he doesn't want to get married either ,but he loves me and blah blah blah ... what is that please ?? I'm trying to explain it to myself with western mentality cause it is different and maybe it's impossible to imagine getting married for European  after 3.5 years even if it's just paper and I'm not a helpless person who can't do anything alone ... I talked to my girlfriends and everyone said " it's not a man ,leave him he just doesn't want you ,it wasn't love etc ".
Of course for me as a Russian ,when  we're all a bit dramatic and are used to men fighting for us and doing everything for us ,it's hard to understand... But he's from other family background and I don't understand everything yet . I wanted to ask you is it really just mentality that he just doesn't feel ready until 35 and is rational and even love can't change his ideas . Or are all men the same  and if he really loved me, he would never cancel everything ... Should I wait for him and hope that he is simply "lost" and support or does it simply mean "end of the story"??!

It really hurts, I would do anything for him but just want to understand if it has any sense ..

Thank you for the answers.

[Jennifer]

Hello,

I know you are suffering from tremendous heartbreak but only he can give a closure to your story. If you still want him then you have to ask him everything in details because once he has cancelled the wedding. Be strong and face the reality. And in the end if he doesn't want to listen you, be brave to accept it. Because true love never give reasons. You can't sacrifice your self respect.

[Jibralta]

49 minutes ago, VeraBraun said:

Of course for me as a Russian ,when  we're all a bit dramatic and are used to men fighting for us and doing everything for us ,it's hard to understand... But he's from other family background and I don't understand everything yet . I wanted to ask you is it really just mentality that he just doesn't feel ready until 35 and is rational and even love can't change his ideas . Or are all men the same  and if he really loved me, he would never cancel everything ... Should I wait for him and hope that he is simply "lost" and support or does it simply mean "end of the story"??!

I'm really sorry that this happened to you.

I recommend not waiting. 

I'm not Austrian, but I have lived my whole life in the Western world (US, 44yrs), and what he did is nonsense.

54 minutes ago, VeraBraun said:

he was again so inconsistent "distance relationships" he doesn't want ,he doesn't want to get married either ,but he loves me and blah blah blah ... what is that please ?? I'm trying to explain it to myself with western mentality cause it is different and maybe it's impossible to imagine getting married for European  after 3.5 years

Sure, we all have cultural differences, but 3.5 years is enough time to know whether you are ready for marriage.

Some people that I know have even set a time limit of 2 years. In other words, if marriage isn't a serious possibility in year 2 of a relationship, those who are looking for marriage end the relationship and search elsewhere. Easier said than done, of course. But the point is, 3.5 years is plenty of time. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Where are you now? Are you stuck in Austria or were you able to go home?

Unfortunately it seems like he was insincere. That's a character flaw, not a cultural/mentality difference.

It seems like you avoided an awful situation. Being legally married to someone who won't work and just wants to study into middle age is a horrible idea.

Perhaps he finally decided he wasn't going to use you for that. Who was supporting him while he studies?

[VeraBraun]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Where are you now? Are you stuck in australia or were you able to go home?

Unfortunately it seems like he was insincere. That's a character flaw, not a cultural/mentality difference.

It seems like you avoided an awful situation. Being legally married to someone who won't work and just wants to study into middle age is a horrible idea.

Perhaps he finally decided he wasn't going to use you for that. Who was supporting him while he studies?

Of course I went home because without him I don't need Austria or anything else, i was ready to leave home and comfortable life to work basically and provide him while he was studying.... he is supported by his parents . im broken because 3,5 years was a lie and I gave him my whole heart to hear after "sorry but u can give your wedding dress back"

[dias]

Just now, VeraBraun said:

i was ready to leave home and comfortable life to work basically and provide him while he was studying.... he is supported by his parents . 

Hmmm that would be an awful choice, you didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged a missile, be grateful 🙂

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, VeraBraun said:

.... he is supported by his parents . 

Your English is outstanding, btw.

You seem ambitious and kind hearted.

You'll do much better and be much happier without someone like him dragging you down.

Simply think of this as a chapter in your life that you can now close. Be grateful you didn't marry this guy.

[VeraBraun]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your English is outstanding, btw.

You seem ambitious and kind hearted.

You'll do much better and be much happier without someone like him dragging you down.

Simply think of this as a chapter in your life that you can now close. Be grateful you didn't marry this guy.

Thanks a lot for your kind words I will try to learn this lesson and never sacrifice myself for a guy who isn't ready to be  man...

[Rose Mosse]

It's possible he could have told his parents about the marriage and they weren't happy about it. He lost some time in hospital with kidney disease and cited not being able to marry till much later until he's 35 or so and he's not certain about a long distance relationship either. They could have been concerned he was getting married to someone after losing time sick or depressed when he should be completing his studies. They're supporting him which means they also pay for his education or his tuition, all his medical bills if any and his rent or he's living rent free in their home. 

I know this is very hard but look at some of the circumstances related to his situation. I'm not saying this is the absolute truth but the likelihood he met a lot of disagreement from his family or parents is pretty high. You can look at the situation and see that this person wasn't all that free or able to start with despite what he was telling you or promising you or saying to you. 

If you start meeting people again or dating again, you can look at the overall person and see whether they're in the right place to make these promises and measure what they say versus what they do and the likelihood that a person will follow through on what they say. I'm very sorry you're going through this. Give yourself time to grieve and be around friends and family. Good that you are back home with your support system too. 

 

[MissCanuck]

I think that for whatever reason, he doesn't feel this is the right relationship for him and he wants to end it altogether. 

I believe that he isn't ready for marriage (his behaviouor here is evidence of that!) but I also don't think he should have proposed in the first place. Perhaps he hadn't really given it enough thought when he did it; perhaps something else is going on and feeding his doubts. Whatever it is, and even though it hurts, it's better that you close the door here. 

[smackie9]

Ya I agree with the others, it's very possible his parents were going to shut the financial taps off on the bank of mom and dad, so he has no choice but to cancel, focus on studies/career, etc.

[VeraBraun]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

They could have been concerned he was getting married to someone after losing time sick or depressed when he should be completing his studies. They're 

 

 

No his parents loved me a lot and I loved is mom more than anyone, they even hinted him to marry me to not loose cause we were so long together.... His mom was very happy when he announced it and even cried( He just choosed the comfort zone, off its easier to stay by parents till 30 than start to work even part time to be with me ...

[Rose Mosse]

Ugh. So sorry about all this. 

[Hollyj]

This is heartbreaking, but the best thing for you is to follow your gfs advice.  You must  accept that his feelings have changed.  Do not wait for him to change his mind, as you will wait forever.   I think it is cruel for him to tell you that he may feel different in two years- he is not being honest with you.  This is not the guy for you, as you want someone who knows your value and loves you, he does not. 

[VeraBraun]

12 minutes ago, East4 said:

 

lol I wrote it exactly for such offended people as you) We aren't in 80s this Russian bride story is complete "horse***" as you name) I went to study and finished University on a 3rd language ( and believe me I wouldn't be able to do it if I would look for husband). I met him in library and fell in love ,he is simple student and doesn't work, and im by far not from some village ( as you are prolly since you have such offence or complexes).Im from a good family and covered my whole study by myself willing to help him financially while he would continue to study) When you finally stop live in pink cloud that everyone wants to stay in Europe ? I do love Moscow and find it more developed than majority of European cities, so calm down please.. so if I would want to find some man for visa, dear anonymous friend, I would definatly not spend 3,5 years with non working student who couldn't even afford to pay for our dinner ))) In my life love is existing, sorry that in yours its not. And yes I tried to find this job but lockdown made it impossible so he proposed not bc I pressured but because he wanted it in this time ,and it is normal to marry after so many years, is it surprise for u?) as a conclusion: I wouldn't write in on forum to seek for mental help if it would be pure rational approach but thanks for your time what u spent to share your offence on women )Oh and Braun is shorter version of my own name) have a nice day

[Hollyj]

Vera, he sounds very immature and dependent on others.    I am curious as to what his study is at the age of 27?   Has he ever worked?   

[VeraBraun]

2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Vera, he sounds very immature and dependent on others.    I am curious as to what his study is at the age of 27?   Has he ever worked?   

He finished bachelor in 26 and started Master degree ,that he will finish in 29 ( it is business IT) In Europe it is difficult I have to admit ..No ,he has never worked and explained it with difficulty of studies...

[Hollyj]

1 minute ago, VeraBraun said:

He finished bachelor in 26 and started Master degree ,that he will finish in 29 ( it is business IT) In Europe it is difficult I have to admit ..No ,he has never worked and explained it with difficulty of studies...

This was a blessing.  This guy sounds like a man child.   

When did he start university?   

[Rose Mosse]

7 minutes ago, VeraBraun said:

He finished bachelor in 26 and started Master degree ,that he will finish in 29 ( it is business IT) In Europe it is difficult I have to admit ..No ,he has never worked and explained it with difficulty of studies...

Was university delayed due to his health (kidney disease)?

Be kind to yourself moving forwards. Just focus on your life in Moscow now and surround yourself with friends and family. 

[VeraBraun]

8 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

This was a blessing.  This guy sounds like a man child.   

When did he start university?   

he started it at 21, before we even met and basically we were just students in love both depended on parents, but then I grew up and he didn't ....

[VeraBraun]

3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Was university delayed due to his health (kidney disease)?

Be kind to yourself moving forwards. Just focus on your life in Moscow now and surround yourself with friends and family. 

he lost one semester bc of kidney so did I ,because I cared for him and couldn't study in this time...

[Hollyj]

I am assuming that he started university when he was 18.  Most people get their BA in 4 years-this includes them working part or full time.   How in the world could it take someone 8 years-not working-to get a BA?   Now, it will take another 3 years for an MA?!   One of my friends is currently working full time and will get his MA in a two year period.    

Over here, we would refer to your ex as a professional student.  He has plans to stay in school forever-will probably go for a PHD, next-so that he can continue to live off of mommy and daddy and not have any responsibilities in life.  Vera, all of this should have been a huge, red flag for you.  You want a man who is ambitious and not satisfied with living off of others.    He is an irresponsible kid who will never grow up. 

You are lucky that this ended now.  You need to find a real man!

[Hollyj]

2 minutes ago, VeraBraun said:

he started it at 21, before we even met and basically we were just students in love both depended on parents, but then I grew up and he didn't ....

What did he do for 3 years?

[Hollyj]

2 minutes ago, VeraBraun said:

he lost one semester bc of kidney so did I ,because I cared for him and couldn't study in this time...

Why didn't his parents care for him?   Don't ever put your future on hold like this.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, VeraBraun said:

Thanks a lot for your kind words I will try to learn this lesson and never sacrifice myself for a guy who isn't ready to be  man...

Exactly. He has never worked or been on his own and he may be pampered by his parents because of his renal disease. 

Nonetheless you would be thrust into the role of mother, nurse, breadwinner etc   and have no quality of life. His parents may have "loved you", simply because they saw a respite from taking care of and supporting him.

Plenty of people pursue advance degrees without parasitizing parents and plenty of people pursue advance degrees who have chronic disabilities.