Girl with Boyfriend advice

[Koevoet]

Evening all,

I've been seeing a girl for the past 5 months, mostly on weekends and texting all day. She is a close friend in my friend group.

She has a boyfriend who has no idea that I've been seeing her and that i first saw her intimately 13 months ago for a month. They have been in a relationship for 5+ years and he lives with her.

Before you all stone me for having loose morals, i understand it is wrong to pursue a girl in a relationship, if it wasn't for the fact that she is unhappy in it and also the fact i have a genuine strong connection/feelings with/for her, i would 100% not be doing this. From the get go I have explained to her that she needs to break up with him, not for me but because the trust has gone (despite him not knowing) and the fact that if she stays with him, it will always weigh heavy on her mind. Also naturally i am biased as i cannot progress with her any further until she is single.

 

The reasons she hasn't broken up with him are:

- Mental health

- No where to live as family live 2 hours away and his job is where he currently lives 

- Loves/Cares for him

- Is unsure about the unknown after breaking up with him (despite me clearly standing here)

- Shared dog

- He works shifts and they rarely overlap work wise to have a meaningful chat

 

Now, here's my problem, only a week ago did she finally speak to her mum about how to break up with this guy, bit of a red flag considering I've been on standby for months but im happy its finally progressing. So im still sat here waiting for someone hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I've explained how i feel about the whole thing at length with her (despite the fact it might scare her off) because its only right she knows how i feel about it, admittedly it is not my decision to make/control but i can't pretend it doesn't impact me.

 

I spoke to her last night again and she told me she wants me, wants to date me and wants to break up with her boyfriend. She also told me she aims to have done it in the next three weeks but isn't 100% going to stick to that timeline, the guy has a whole week of work in two weeks (perfect time to sit him down and do the breakup chat). I have been patient, caring, put her before myself and tried to make her life easier by allowing her to dictate when and where we meet & for how long etc.

 

Over the past month I have been feeling a plethora of feelings/emotions that i have never felt before, literally ranging from dread to elation and everything between, my mood yoyo's on a daily basis as my mind flicks from believing things will be ok and not. I have been struggling to remove her from my head, so last night for the 5th time i brought up the whole no contact thing, i openly told her that if in three weeks she hasn't broken up with him then i will walk away and explained that, that means i wont communicate with her and when she is finally single, she can message me and we will see what happens, but i wanted to hold that action off for three weeks, she asked if it would be easier for me to start it now, so i said lets do a trial of 2 days NC which she broke within 2 hours this morning. 

 

So i guess im looking for advice, i've not spoken to her for almost the entire day and it sucks, feels counter intuitive to not talk to someone you want. I know i should stand aside and wait for the "all clear" but genuinely that is the hardest thing! She isn't known for one to play games and doesn't really seem to be the type that ever would!

 

Im not sure if there even is a amicable solution to all of this, its a bit of mess!

[Hollyj]

Sounds like a lot of excuses.   She clearly is not as into you, as you are into her.   She like the attention and ego boost, she does not want you!.

I think it is horrible of both of you. I think you should address your character, and why you are settling for this type of situation (low self worth). 

 

This will go no where, as her bf is her priority.  Stop being such a chump.  Just block and delete her.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Sounds like a lot of excuses.   She clearly is not as into you, as you are into her.   She like the attention and ego boost, she does not want you!.

I think it is horrible of both of you. I think you should address your character, and why you are settling for this type of situation (low self worth). 

 

This will go no where, as her bf is her priority.  Stop being such a chump.  Just block and delete her.

I agree - there is only one reason she hasn't left her boyfriend.  Because she doesn't want to.  Which is the same reason you haven't left her.  Not because of all your excuses -because you don't choose to.  Also be aware that you can easily be dragged into a "you're the father" situation Also be particularly careful of your excuse "because I have strong feelings" and "because it's the hardest thing" - because any unethical or wrong choice can be rationalized in that way -would it be ok if she chooses you and next year cheats on you (because she probably will) and uses the excuse "because at the moment I had strong feelings for that person and it was the hardest thing to walk away from having sex with him"

[boltnrun]

If you do end up "getting" her, you have the pleasure of knowing she is the type to cheat on her boyfriend.  For YEARS.  

You'll be clueless while she sleeps with other guys (most likely her alleged "ex") when you're at work or otherwise busy.

How does that make you feel?

BTW, trying to believe "Oh, she'd never do that to ME!!" is a fallacy.  She has already proved she's a cheater.

[HeartGoesOn]

My guess is, when you choose to remove those rose colored glasses you'll see an all together different view.  With that said, you'll likely ask yourself what you see as attractive in a girl who sneaks around and cheats on her boyfriend with you?

Keep in mind that if she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you.  Hopefully you'll own your part in this, and make the right choices.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Koevoet said:

I've been seeing a girl for the past 5 months, mostly on weekends and texting all day.

- No where to live

What's wrong with your place? Are you living with someone?

[smackie9]

Stop talking to her....she is just using you emotionally. She's been blowin smoke up yer but for sometime, but you are so washed over with emotions for her you don't see it.

You both have excuses and none of them are any justification for what's been going on with you two.

You are caught in a trap...and yes no matter how pretty you paint this thing with you two or how you hope it to be, it's not going to be good and well karma wins in the end.

I understand people do find themselves in these predicaments....but you are totally being short sighted.

Even if she does leave him, not long after when you got this, she's gonna start fading on you because she's back with her ex.

I say step away, and stop talking to her...all you are doing is enabling her to not do anything. If you tell her to contact you only when she has finally cut ties with him, that might motivate her. If it doesn't she never had any intention of leaving him.

Just saying it's typical lot of cheaters  paint a negative picture about their relationship when it's not even true...it's just to hook you in, make you feel sorry for them, etc.

[Andrina]

Mentally healthy and ethical people finish one relationship before beginning another. Her excuses are so textbook, whether its from a male or female cheater. Yes, like another poster said, you think you're so special she'd never do to you what she's doing with her longterm love. You're naive about that and all the excuses.

Look at who you're with and that's what you subconsciously think of yourself. You think you deserve a cheater who likes a sidepiece to add a little spark to her mundane existence.

Read up on boosting your self worth and you'll never again date a taken woman. You'll find peace of mind and have a better risk at relationship success with a woman who's free to be in relationship.

If you think two unethical people are going to wind up with a happily-ever-after monogamous relationship, you probably also believed the fairy tale that Rumpelstiltskin could make straw into gold.

[Capricorn3]

This girl is full of it.  She's having her cake and eating it too.  Loving the fact that she has two guys.  A side dish (you).  She has shown you her true character and it's as low as one can get.  She's no prize. Gross.  She's not going to leave her boyfriend.  Which just makes you more of a fool for sticking with her.  What goes around, comes around.  Remember that.

Also time to look within and ask why you mess with people already in a relationship.  How would YOU feel if someone did this behind your back after being in a relationship with you for 5+ years? 

One can't help but feel bad for her boyfriend.

[gamon]

The whole ultimatum "break up with her in 3 weeks or I'm gone" is simply adding another level of dysfunctionality on top of an already crumbling cake.

If you want to escape with whatever remains of your dignity and self respect, the next (and last) thing you say to her is "This whole other man thing isn't working for me. If and when you decide to break it off with your boyfriend, and you're truly finished and living apart, then give me a call and maybe I'll still be around".

Period. End of story.

Anything less with just prolong your misery and when you look back at this time in your life from some future date when your head is screwed on more tightly you'll be kicking yourself and wondering what the heck you were thinking.

 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, Koevoet said:

I have been feeling a plethora of feelings/emotions that i have never felt before, literally ranging from dread to elation and everything between, my mood yoyo's on a daily basis as my mind flicks from believing things will be ok and not. I have been struggling to remove her from my head, so last night for the 5th time i brought up the whole no contact thing

I agree with ALL facts the others have already said.

This is just one BIG mess- and sadly it's on YOU 😞 

So much wrong. And I really hope with all that has been said to you here, you will understand it someday,

YOU have been totally into a woman who is NOT single, not available, yet you went there with her.  

You agreed to get involved, knowing she has a BF.

As mentioned- how would you feel if the tables were turned?

Okay, they may be having some issue;s (after 5 yrs).. BUT, she is still with him.

And even if they did split up in 2 weeks or 2 months, she would still NOT be 'stable' enough to just jump into something new ( unless it be a rebound - which never end nicely)

Why?  Because when a relationship ends, after long term, they are still not over their last partner for a while.  It takes time to accept & heal from loss of a relationship. ( Many months to years).

So.. yeah, this gal is so not mentally sound .  And you've been involved with her. ( which has most likely added MORE to this instability of hers)  😞

Believe me... you don't want to see the outcome.

She will NEED some real down time to get herself back to 'good'.

**As she has told you (her reasons/excuses), of why she's been sticking it out with him**.

Re: what I highlighted from your story, It is now showing that YOU too, are being affected. ( the mixed feelings- dread to elation)- which equals 'confusion'.  Yup, another bad effect of this mess....

As for this... 'For the 5th time I brought up the NC thing'... Okay, just STOP!

Stop all of this now.

No more games... No more contact.. leading each other on etc.

Tell her you are done. And go NC from here on.. Because no matter the outcome of this- will not be good!

Take some time on your own to work through this mess... Before you consider dating again.

And just get out of it!  Get your own life back now.

[MissCanuck]

My dude, this chick is playing you like a fiddle. 

She doesn't want to date you. You haven't realized that yet, but just wait: she'll have a hundred more excuses not to break up with him when this arbitrary 3 weeks passes. 

Or?

She'll break up with him, but have a hundred excuses not to date you in a serious capacity. Doesn't want to "hurt" him by making it obvious she monkey-branched, needs "time" and "space" to "process" the break-up, isn't "ready" for anything serious. You two might make a go of it for a few months, yeah, but then?

All the trust issues will start rearing their heads. You know this woman does not have a functioning moral compass, and is perfectly capable of cheating. You will wonder where she is when she's not as engaged with you. You will wonder who she's talking to when she smiles to herself reading a message that just popped up on her phone. You will start to realize that the relationship you dream of is a figment of your imagination, and that you are not the exception who suddenly makes her have ethics. Reality is going to punch you in the gut, pretty fiercely. So brace yourself. 

[catfeeder]

Does it concern you that the way this girl breaks up with a guy is to set up another one to leap onto?

So you'll get promoted from the one with whom she's disloyal to the one to whom she'll become disloyal--at some point.

Do you envision a future of looking over your shoulder, waiting for that to happen?