Am I doing the right thing in cutting my losses

[Anonymous]

Hi just would like some people's opinion on whether I am doing the right thing, I'll try to sum up as quick as possible, we are both 35 by the way.

I have been on and off with a girl I have known for 20 years for 20 months now, in this time she has been unsure and wanted to call things off 6 times so about 7 months of that has been nc. Everytime she has contacted me and wanted to speak to me again, it's never been an official relationship and she has 3 children, the first 2 months were great and felt she was more into me than I was her but then she suddenly decided there was something missing, I was very and upset and disappointed and made her aware of this, I hadn't been with a girl I had liked in a long time and felt a strong connection but soon realised this wasn't reciprocated, after a couple of weeks we met up and she ended up staying at mine for 4 nights but still wasn't sure if she wanted to continue, also we had a sexual relationship begin after the first date, anyway we then see each other again for another 2 months and in this time I had met her children, this wasn't a great period tho, the sexual chemistry had disappeared, this largely due to me being shy to initiate things and her taking the lead, I knew things were off and she confirmed she felt there was no spark so again things ended and nc of 6 weeks began, she tried to contact me a few times but I was very cold towards her as I wanted to stop feeling pain of the breakup and brushing off the offer of being friends, she asked to meet for a coffee and she said she really missed me and had been out on dates and was jealous of social media posts, we ended up having sex that evening and a friends with benefits situation started for another month, this was around Christmas in which we spent together as her children were there with there dad's however we did have an argument in which she doubted we had a long term future as I was immature, also be noted I did socially drink with friends when I didn't have opportunity to spend time with her, we went away after Christmas to hotel which she had booked as a present and this was an OK evening but the sex had stopped then and things were cold, when we got home she hit me with the can we be friends question which I said I just can't with the feelings I have, thus another nc of 7 weeks started, she had sent me a message and tried to call but I did not want to engage in this, anyway fast forward after 7 weeks I was still missing her like hell and she messaged again wanting to speak again, she had been looking at social media and got jealous again of other girls who had interacted on my posts, worth noting in this time I had considerably cut down on drinking and lost a lot of weight, this was a week before the lockdown so we was restricted to phone calls, we was having phone sex for intimacy but again this fizzled out and we just stopped talking for about month for no reason, in this time she had slept with someone else and expressed a lot of regret and was upset although she didn't want to discuss any details, she wanted to see each other again but this was not a good period I had been made redundant and become depressed from not doing anything everyday and her dad passed away, around my birthday she was due to meet me but said she didn't feel comfortable spending the night together and at this point I felt I was done, said there was no point seeing each other anymore and that was that nc again, this time it felt final and really hit me hard, I was heavily drinking and felt rock bottom, anyway I managed to get another job and start to rebuild my life and over the last 3 months I have managed to address all my problems and be in a happy place although I still thought her about all the time, I sent her a message at Christmas to say I hope she had a good day with her children mainly through nostalgia, she txt back and she rang me 3 days later where we spoke on the phone for an hour and half catching up, heard nothing for a week and then a happy year message which I replied to, then a few days later she asked for a favour which I helped her with and then she rang the next day to ask about someone she had matched on tinder that I knew, I felt sick and this caught me by surprise and I then asked her if she felt she would like to meet up and see how it goes and she was very open to this, anyway I stayed at hers but she felt uncomfortable about the arrangement but even so still slept together although I got the impression this was a one off, we have messaging still since but it's all friendly again, I wanted to meet up to discuss what's going on because I am not happy the friendzone, also I have seen her on a dating app with a picture she sent me a couple of weeks ago, I really feel I just need  to pull the plug in this for good because it isn't going anywhere and never will, I know in my gut I need to do this for my own self respect, we get on so well and I really care about her and would love to have a full relationship but she blows hot and cold so much it just feels like not possible, is this the best way moving forward?

[tattoobunnie]

Would you want this same scenario for another 10 years?  Cuz that's what you're getting.  Take some time a part to work her out of your system.  Don't be friends. She's not a friend to you.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.  You will not find your happily ever after with her.

I don't care how hot she is, or how good the sex is.  If you want to have a full, loving, reciprocated relationship, go be with someone who will be this with you.  

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

on and off with a girl I have known for 20 years for 20 months now, in this time she has been unsure and wanted to call things off 6 times so about 7 months of that has been nc

Terrible 😞 

Hot/cold is damaging.. sadly, YOU accepted this crap for way too long! - which has damaged you.

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

the first 2 months were great and felt she was more into me than I was her but then she suddenly decided there was something missing,

After this point, would have been best to just walk away - no more.

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

see each other again for another 2 months and in this time I had met her children, this wasn't a great period tho, the sexual chemistry had disappeared, this largely due to me being shy to initiate things and her taking the lead, I knew things were off and she confirmed she felt there was no spark so again things ended and nc of 6 weeks began,

Yup- on it goes?

SHE said No spark. - again quiet for 6 wks.

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

she tried to contact me a few times but I was very cold towards her as I wanted to stop feeling pain of the breakup and brushing off the offer of being friends,

You two were 'friends' for years?  Maybe best to have left it at that?  Since this 'getting involved' stuff- goes beyond 'friendship' and can often ruin the friendship 😞 

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

ast forward after 7 weeks I was still missing her like hell and she messaged again wanting to speak again, she had been looking at social media and got jealous again of other girls who had interacted on my posts

HuH?  This is so odd!  She pulls away then reacts to this stuff?  Very unsettled , she is!

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

we just stopped talking for about month for no reason, in this time she had slept with someone else and expressed a lot of regret and was upset although she didn't want to discuss any details, she wanted to see each other again

Again- shows how unsettled SHE is. ( all of this is hurting YOU).

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

over the last 3 months I have managed to address all my problems and be in a happy place although I still thought her about all the time, I sent her a message at Christmas to say I hope she had a good day with her children mainly through nostalgia, she txt back and she rang me 3 days later where we spoke on the phone for an hour and half catching up, heard nothing for a week and then a happy year message which I replied to, then a few days later she asked for a favour which I helped her with and then she rang the next day to ask about someone she had matched on tinder that I knew, I felt sick and this caught me by surprise and I then asked her if she felt she would like to meet up and see how it goes and she was very open to this, anyway I stayed at hers but she felt uncomfortable about the arrangement but even so still slept together although I got the impression this was a one off, we have messaging still since but it's all friendly again, I wanted to meet up to discuss what's going on because I am not happy the friendzone

YOU should not have messaged her - I am sure you knew you were only going to be led on Again??

I hope you see you are only hurting yourself here, accepting this behaviour & for so long!  Why?

Like I said, After those first cpl months- where SHE admitted there was 'No spark', is where YOU should have let it be.

IMO, You need to find your inner strength and build your self esteem.  This behaviour is all wrong.

Best way to 'Move Forward', is to STOP all of this. - as it just keeps affecting you- so it is TOXIC.

Stop contacting her.. stop agreeing to see her & play her head games!  

Is the ONLY way you can get over this.. move on and work on yourself.  You do NOT need this.. some disturbed woman to keep messing you around.. Strength.. self respect - Find it!

Never let anyone play you this way..

Within a certain amt of time, you see IF they are for you, or not.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I have seen her on a dating app with a picture she sent me a couple of weeks ago

Yes, cut your losses. You're both not happy with this nebulous situationship of FWB, friendzone, etc. and you're both on dating apps, obviously both looking for someone/something else.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your insights everything that has been said is true, I'm not proud of how I handled it and how long it has been going on, I just never seem to be able to resist when she gets back into contact because I am so unhappy, this time though things are a lot better in over aspects of my life, I'm easily manipulated by her words when she says there is something between us, this is why I want to stop all this nonsense for a clean break 

[Anonymous]

So it has happened and the conversation has took place, only sad thing it was initiated by her, things have been cold although we did have a walk and kissed 2 weeks ago and she still seemed unsure but since then it's clear from the messages being sent that is nothing there at all, this was confirmed with another face to face conversation where she has openly said she is on online dating sites and wants to move on at some stage, I knew all this already so it's not a shock and I am disappointed with myself for letting this happen this way but not being too hard on myself because I can't help the way I feel, I feel just as devastated as I have done previously because I know this needs to end but at the moment I feel this will just take an eternity to pass and is consuming me and is so draining, I am trying to think of the positive changed I've made which will help progress such as my new job and the fact I am now driving 10 years after getting my licence and I am looking better physically than I ever have, I just want to get back to being my happy go lucky self and enjoy the things I used and when I'm ready meet someone who will reciprocate the love and care I want to give someone worthy of 

[Andrina]

Block her from contacting you because if she reaches out, it will set you back to square one for closure. Don't search out what she's doing on social media. Realistically, it'll probably take at least 4 months before you will no longer think of her daily, but that time will come. In the future, if someone is willing to let you go once, she's just not that into you and vow to never return to someone like that. Otherwise, you're wasting precious time where an ideal candidate will be passing you by while you're hooked on a line like a flapping, unhappy fish.

[Rose Mosse]

She called you immature. If that isn't pot calling the kettle black I don't know what is. Yes, please move forwards by not speaking to this person again and not answering any calls or texts. She's using you as a distraction for issues she has with herself. 

[lostandhurt]

Stop looking at the things you think you will miss if she is not in your life and start looking at how having her in your life has done to you.  You are unhappy, drink to much, gained weight, feel insecure and all around just lost yourself while trying to convince her to love and want you.

This woman is not good for you plain and simple.  I doubt she is good for anyone at this stage.

The best thing you can do is delete and block her on everything so neither of you can see what the other is up to.

You are doing the right thing, you just need to stick to it this time.

Lost

[Lambert]

Your post is a giant wall of text. it would be helpful if you put into paragraphs. 

For that reason I'm not sure I got the whole story but I think my advice is pretty straight forward and your smaller details would not change it. 

Basically, we as humans have a habit of attaching time as a way to make a person or relationship significant.

There is a huge difference between 20 years of happiness and love with someone and 20 years of being either acquaintances or in a rocky on off relationship of convenience.

In your instance 20 years has shown you time and time again... this is not working. She does not grow or change. 

You've wasted enough time on this.  Walk away, close the door, block, delete, good bye. You owe nothing. you've done enough.  

Support yourself and the life you want by rejecting what does not support or serve that purpose.

[Anonymous]

Appreciate your words, even though I knew all this in my gut and was inevitable I'm really struggling today because it's the first time I'm really forcing myself to accept its over and no going back, I do suffer from very low self esteem which is why it's been so hard to accept especially when I'm getting pulled back in on her terms for her own benefit and naively thinking something will come of it, I have blocked social media and deleted any trace of her from my life so hopefully without being exposed to her I can heal properly this time and not look back 

[Rose Mosse]

That's good. Onwards and forwards. If you feel the need to contact her, post here instead. Any hobbies? Enjoy doing things for yourself from now onwards. 

[Lambert]

14 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

Appreciate your words, even though I knew all this in my gut and was inevitable I'm really struggling today because it's the first time I'm really forcing myself to accept its over and no going back, I do suffer from very low self esteem which is why it's been so hard to accept especially when I'm getting pulled back in on her terms for her own benefit and naively thinking something will come of it, I have blocked social media and deleted any trace of her from my life so hopefully without being exposed to her I can heal properly this time and not look back 

excellent... I think everyone suffers some low self esteem or at least could benefit from some work on ourselves to improve this.  

It's hard to know when enough is enough.  I've been there with long time on & off situationships. And when I'm honest about it, I know I gave the guy another chance because frankly I wasn't dating anyone else.  He was not that great. I was (at a point) actually embarrassed by him, our situation and my part in it.

When you see, know or have been a part of healthier relationships, you realize what a waste these situations are.  And how much they do damage us and our self worth. You deserve so much more... but you get what you settle for. 

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

That's good. Onwards and forwards. If you feel the need to contact her, post here instead. Any hobbies? Enjoy doing things for yourself from now onwards. 

I used to enjoy gaming, bit too much for my age and was made to feel this was no attractive to her so pretty much packed it up and now I can't enjoy it, however I do still talk to my friends online just don't really engage in playing any games anymore, I will probably regain this at some point, my new job is pretty hands on and takes 13-14 hours of my day with travel so I'm occupied in the week, I'm just trying to save as much money as possible to enjoy life after lockdown, probably a good time to start healing just in time for social activities, my friends and family are very understanding and are always there for me but it's wearing thin with them now also, it's uncomfortable going to them about it now 

[Rose Mosse]

44 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I used to enjoy gaming, bit too much for my age and was made to feel this was no attractive to her so pretty much packed it up and now I can't enjoy it, however I do still talk to my friends online just don't really engage in playing any games anymore, I will probably regain this at some point, my new job is pretty hands on and takes 13-14 hours of my day with travel so I'm occupied in the week, I'm just trying to save as much money as possible to enjoy life after lockdown, probably a good time to start healing just in time for social activities, my friends and family are very understanding and are always there for me but it's wearing thin with them now also, it's uncomfortable going to them about it now 

I don't think she's in any position to judge your hobbies or what you do for yourself. If gaming provides you with some joy then there's nothing wrong with it. Anything can turn sour or into a brain-drain, even the most seemingly harmless tasks or hobbies. Find some balance to everything. One or two hours of this, one or two hours of that. 

Take up new hobbies, try your hand again at old ones. Don't let someone hurt you like that or change the way you think of yourself. 

[smackie9]

People who blow hot/cold can't have proper relationships. That's why it's been off and on. Off and on relationships are a tell tale sign that it's not ever going to work no matter what you do or what you say. Truth be told, there is nothing wrong with you, it's her....and all the dancing around, being careful, walking on eggshells, bending over backwards isn't going to change things. Time to depart on this one.

[Anonymous]

On 2/22/2021 at 2:37 PM, Andrina said:

Block her from contacting you because if she reaches out, it will set you back to square one for closure. Don't search out what she's doing on social media. Realistically, it'll probably take at least 4 months before you will no longer think of her daily, but that time will come. In the future, if someone is willing to let you go once, she's just not that into you and vow to never return to someone like that. Otherwise, you're wasting precious time where an ideal candidate will be passing you by while you're hooked on a line like a flapping, unhappy fish.

If I'm honest I don't think it will take 4 months, we'll I hope so anyway, I feel like I've processed this enough in my head enough for a long time now and I've known the feeling is not mutual but she wants me in her life because its comforting for her to have someone who idolises her and an emotional pillar, where I went wrong before was checking her social media and terrified of her meeting someone else, even though that thought gives me anxiety I am now in the mindset that it will be someone else's problem or maybe not it may lead to happiness, either way I do know once I get over the hill I hopefully will go onto a more meaningful and rewarding relationship at some point, at the moment it feels different this time I just hope I can maintain this thought process and not miss being in contact with her.

 

By the way I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented, it means a lot with strangers advice and definitely helps 

[Bella1234]

Toxic relationships are some of the most damaging and difficult to walk away from. The constant cycle of back and forth puts us in a mercy of “maybe I did something wrong” or “maybe things will change if only..” it’s mentally exhausting and it chops away slowly at your self esteem.  It sounds like she likes your attention and the power she holds in a sense. Don’t give her anymore power.  You’ve tried and you’ve done all you can. I know it’s hard but you don’t want more years invested into this. It has not changed and it won’t.  You need to go through the motions of closing the door/ chapter of your life and move forward to feel better again. You can and you will - you have the strength within you. It takes much more energy to stay in the sadness, pain and toxicity that the other person is only providing for you. 

[lostandhurt]

I am sure your family and friends will be happy to hear that it is over with her.  I wouldn't talk to them about it unless they bring it up for now.  Once you are in a good place and have gotten this woman out of your system for at least 3-4 months to make sure it has stuck then you can casually bring it up and how good you feel that she is gone for good.

This is a day by day thing right now so stay strong and stay busy so you mind doesn't wonder off towards unhealthy thoughts.

 

Lost

[Anonymous]

19 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I am sure your family and friends will be happy to hear that it is over with her.  I wouldn't talk to them about it unless they bring it up for now.  Once you are in a good place and have gotten this woman out of your system for at least 3-4 months to make sure it has stuck then you can casually bring it up and how good you feel that she is gone for good.

This is a day by day thing right now so stay strong and stay busy so you mind doesn't wonder off towards unhealthy thoughts.

 

Lost

They will be happy as they know its for the best and don't want to see me unhappy, at the same time especially my mum, they do understand when you have strong feelings for someone its hard to reject them when they tell you what you want to hear to give you hope, I have been struggling with alternating feelings, one moment I feel liberated that I'm going to move on and be in a happier place at some point and look back with relief then after i will feel like I hope it isn't the end and at some point things may sort themselves out, I just hope the latter fizzles out, its so hard to train your mind to not feel that way but at the moment I feel really good about myself and not allowing to dwell or mope, keeping myself busy at work, even doing overtime on Saturday! Also when I was younger I used to really enjoy dj'ing so I'm going to purchase some equipment and get back into that for a hobby

[Lambert]

53 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

They will be happy as they know its for the best and don't want to see me unhappy, at the same time especially my mum, they do understand when you have strong feelings for someone its hard to reject them when they tell you what you want to hear to give you hope, I have been struggling with alternating feelings, one moment I feel liberated that I'm going to move on and be in a happier place at some point and look back with relief then after i will feel like I hope it isn't the end and at some point things may sort themselves out, I just hope the latter fizzles out, its so hard to train your mind to not feel that way but at the moment I feel really good about myself and not allowing to dwell or mope, keeping myself busy at work, even doing overtime on Saturday! Also when I was younger I used to really enjoy dj'ing so I'm going to purchase some equipment and get back into that for a hobby

You know when you really want something, you put a lot of time and effort into it?  you plan, you think, you focus on everything very logically?  

I am sure you do.  Getting on with your life is like that, too.  You have to put your energy into the feelings that support what you want.  Of course the sadness will pop in here and there.... and when it does you have to say to yourself, "move on".  

But even more importantly, don't try to remain friends with someone that flat out tells you they don't like you that way anymore.  You're just setting yourself up to be stuck.  

Sometimes you have to see people, even the ones we hold in such high esteem, for the flawed people they (and we all are.)  It's selfish to reject someone, yet try to hold on to them.  It's a flaw in her.  We all want our cake and eat it, too.  But that isn't how life works.

I am sure in time, you will meet someone new and this will just be part of your journey.  Keep it in that context.  Otherwise you just carry a bunch of emotional baggage into the future. 

[Anonymous]

48 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You know when you really want something, you put a lot of time and effort into it?  you plan, you think, you focus on everything very logically?  

I am sure you do.  Getting on with your life is like that, too.  You have to put your energy into the feelings that support what you want.  Of course the sadness will pop in here and there.... and when it does you have to say to yourself, "move on".  

But even more importantly, don't try to remain friends with someone that flat out tells you they don't like you that way anymore.  You're just setting yourself up to be stuck.  

Sometimes you have to see people, even the ones we hold in such high esteem, for the flawed people they (and we all are.)  It's selfish to reject someone, yet try to hold on to them.  It's a flaw in her.  We all want our cake and eat it, too.  But that isn't how life works.

I am sure in time, you will meet someone new and this will just be part of your journey.  Keep it in that context.  Otherwise you just carry a bunch of emotional baggage into the future. 

I completely take on board what your saying but it's still so hard for me to accept since this happened before and she has come back and we have slept together, she is very mixed up and openly admitted she is afraid of commitment and things can be intense between us which is when she panics and backs off, she has a very complicated life with 3 children to look after and feel she just wants something casual and exciting for her that might develop into something which is heartbreaking for me and I know I have to accept, I really do think this is the last time she will come back to me with second thoughts and I know that's a good thing for me as I need to move on and experience something new myself, it's just so hard letting go, I really hate the emotional roller coaster and it's been going on so long now 

[Lambert]

50 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I completely take on board what your saying but it's still so hard for me to accept since this happened before and she has come back and we have slept together, she is very mixed up and openly admitted she is afraid of commitment and things can be intense between us which is when she panics and backs off, she has a very complicated life with 3 children to look after and feel she just wants something casual and exciting for her that might develop into something which is heartbreaking for me and I know I have to accept, I really do think this is the last time she will come back to me with second thoughts and I know that's a good thing for me as I need to move on and experience something new myself, it's just so hard letting go, I really hate the emotional roller coaster and it's been going on so long now 

I totally get it..  easier said than done. Hang in there. I've been there. 

I was on and off with two people for longest time.  It would go off with one, I'd get back with the other. Rinse and repeat.... 

And honestly, I wanted it to work out for me, with SOMEONE. I did genuinely love both. And the reason things would be off, was because of them. If either one would have been all in with me, I would have accepted that and rejected the other. 

But eventually, I realized the one was actually a loser and I ended it for good. I saw him months later on the street and I CROSSED THE STREET to avoid him. Not because it hurt... because I didn't care! 

The other cheated on me and my dad summed it best, "you went as far as you could with this one

I always thought that was good advice. I was still crushed and all that... but what my dad said,  gave it a book end.  What else could be said? What's dead can never die. It doesn't change.  the chapter is over. 

Someone that isn't all in, is actually a liability not an asset... no matter what they offer. Like having a Lamborghini but no gas.  Its just not going to get there. And there's some kind of strength or motivation in knowing that... like quit wasting my time.  

 

[Anonymous]

6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I totally get it..  easier said than done. Hang in there. I've been there. 

I was on and off with two people for longest time.  It would go off with one, I'd get back with the other. Rinse and repeat.... 

And honestly, I wanted it to work out for me, with SOMEONE. I did genuinely love both. And the reason things would be off, was because of them. If either one would have been all in with me, I would have accepted that and rejected the other. 

But eventually, I realized the one was actually a loser and I ended it for good. I saw him months later on the street and I CROSSED THE STREET to avoid him. Not because it hurt... because I didn't care! 

The other cheated on me and my dad summed it best, "you went as far as you could with this one

I always thought that was good advice. I was still crushed and all that... but what my dad said,  gave it a book end.  What else could be said? What's dead can never die. It doesn't change.  the chapter is over. 

Someone that isn't all in, is actually a liability not an asset... no matter what they offer. Like having a Lamborghini but no gas.  Its just not going to get there. And there's some kind of strength or motivation in knowing that... like quit wasting my time.  

 

Thank you for being so understanding, I've never been active in forums and I'm finding it really helpful speaking with other people who have lived these experiences, I can assure you I will not contact her under may circumstances, I have done this many times and am very stubborn with this barring the Christmas message but that was a weak moment and me only being courteous because I care, I know that I won't even send a bday message this time, I am determined to heal this time and not have any interruption in the process, I have so much going for me, I have a well paid job, no ties to kids etc, I really want to travel to places in the world and I wouldn't be able to do any of these things if I committed myself to someone with kids so at some point hand on my heart I will look back and know it was for the best 

[Lambert]

7 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

Thank you for being so understanding, I've never been active in forums and I'm finding it really helpful speaking with other people who have lived these experiences, I can assure you I will not contact her under may circumstances, I have done this many times and am very stubborn with this barring the Christmas message but that was a weak moment and me only being courteous because I care, I know that I won't even send a bday message this time, I am determined to heal this time and not have any interruption in the process, I have so much going for me, I have a well paid job, no ties to kids etc, I really want to travel to places in the world and I wouldn't be able to do any of these things if I committed myself to someone with kids so at some point hand on my heart I will look back and know it was for the best 

Good for you.  one of the things that always helped me, not reach out, was the knowledge that they were expecting me to!

The world is your oyster. She's got a lot of responsibilities and sounds like issues. 

You're going to go on and be a great partner for someone else.  

At the end of the day, that's all you can do. Work on yourself so that when you meet someone your ready. 

So many of the guys I've met, they just aren't ready.  And maybe they could be etc, but I'm not putting up that. So think about what you owe your future partner, heal for the future life you want... not the past you're trying to forget.