i’m so confused about what to do next... (getting married advice)

[throoawao]

hi everyone. can anyone give me advice about my relationship? i’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we have a pretty good relationship. no cheating, very loving, ofc the occasional bicker happens here and there. ever since i met him i told him i was the type of girl who is big on marriage and family life. i even told him i wanted to wait to have sex for the first time until we got engaged. i decided not to wait and i had sex with him 1 year into the relationship. i told him he should pop the question sometime soon given that i gave myself to him and he knew my values. he never did, explaining that he wasn’t ready for an engagement because he is not secure in his financial and career life. we met when we were 19 and 20 (i was 19). we are now reaching 23 and 24. i bring up marriage and engagement pretty often, and i thought we were on board with both wanting to get married soon, but 3 years has gone by, no engagement. he claims he isn’t ready due to financial situation, he doesn’t have money to spend on a wedding, or start a family. this is reasonable, we met fairly young, and he needs time to build up his life. makes sense... i want to secure my future with him to make sure i get married before 30 because that is just what i want out of life and out of a relationship. i want to have my first kid before 30. i already spoke to him and told him that i want this before 30, and he told me he cannot promise me that and cannot 100% guarantee that since he is no where in his life due to his career not being settled and he cannot give a certain timeline of how his life will play out. what can i do in this situation? i don’t want to leave him because i love him dearly and really want a future with him. is he playing with me? is it time to move on? how can i even move on from a 3 year relationship, and the man who took my virginity ... it seems all so scary. 

or how can i secure my future with him? what can i talk to him about??

please advise. 

thank you, 

from, a scared, anxious and in love girl

[Capricorn3]

12 minutes ago, throoawao said:

 we are now reaching 23 and 24.

i bring up marriage and engagement pretty often,

This is the fastest way to push him away from you.  It sounds like he's being hounded  and pressured to death and it's suffocating.  Be very very careful - the more you push for marriage, the more you'll push him away.  You'll shoot yourself in the foot if you keep at it.

You are both so young, with so much time ahead of you.  Most men are not even close to being ready for marriage at age 24.  And he's right.  Not being financially ready for marriage and kids is a really GOOD reason to not jump into it - especially when being pressured into it when he tells you he isn't ready.

He's still with you after 3 years so I am not sure why the need to "secure" your future with him.  If you want to keep him then back way off with all the engagement/marriage talk.  At least for now.  He's wise.  Listen to him.

[East4]

In general, marrying the first person one has had a relationship, often brings an array of challenges in the marriage: the partners in the marriage feel like they missed on "sampling" other people and relationship, since they always only knew their spouse. So, the temptation of what else is out there might be stronger than with partners who have had their fair share of experiences.

Also, both people are young and in a period of dynamic growth, they may not always grow in the same direction, so chances are that both partners drift apart. 

Having said that, and you if you really feel that this is absolutely the man for you and you are adamant on marriage, then there is an excellent book written by John Grey, the author of the famous "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus"; Book name is (not surprisingly) "Mars and Venus on a date". In the book "Mars and Venus on a date" there is a dedicated chapter on what to do in exactly your situation: the title of the chapter is something along the lines of "the clock is ticking, but he is not hearing it". The gist of the advice is that if a man is unwilling to offer the ultimate commitment, but is benefitting of all perks of a committed relationship (companionship, emotional and practical support, sex); then the advice is for the woman to lovingly...withdraw and scale back the relationship to a less committed stage. John Grey distinguishes 4 different stages in developing a relationship: initial attraction, dating, exclusivity, engagement and marriage. So, if your boyfriend wants all perks of marriage-regular sex, you taking care of his needs (cooking, running errands for him, etc.), but is not giving you the commitment that corresponds to the advantages he gets. Then what you need to do is to scale back your relationship to the previous, less committed stage-exclusivity. You must do it without nagging and pouting, because it will look like you are twisting his arm.  Keep your smile and be nice, but also be less available, go out more with friends and family, focus on your own interests. Men react very well to action, he will notice the change. if he asks what is up, you nicely explain that you love him and you think the world of him, but since your relationship is not progressing to the commitment you desire to feel happy, you will have to redirect your attention to other priorities, people and activities, that do make you happy. Read the book for more detailed advice. But read the whole book to understand the overall context, not just that specific chapter.

You will need a lot of will power and mental shift to implement the advice.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, throoawao said:

 what can i do in this situation? i don’t want to leave him because i love him dearly and really want a future with him. is he playing with me? is it time to move on? how can i even move on from a 3 year relationship, and the man who took my virginity ... it seems all so scary. 

I don't think he is playing you, but he's being honest that he is not anywhere near ready to get engaged and start planning a forever-life yet. 

Most people at your ages aren't, to be fair. If you continue pestering him about marriage, I promise you that it will end your relationship... either by him breaking up with you, or by marrying you when he isn't ready and then divorcing you. You should never pressure someone into something like this. That only breeds resentment and will make him want to run. 

You either have to accept that he can't promise you anything right now and set a mental timeline for yourself for how long you are willing to be patient - or start thinking about ending this. And yes, that might be a scary thought. But it is what would need to happen if you feel you cannot wait any longer. 

But he didn't "take" your virginity. You are an adult who decided to have sex, a willing participant. Try not to frame it as though he took it away. That's not fair. 

[Wiseman2]

Wow. You need to slow down on the bridezilla lecturing and beating him over the head about "taking" your virginity.

He seems to be reasonable that he needs to have his finances and employment in order before marriage.

Hopefully YOU and YOUR parents are all working 24/7 for your engagement party,  wedding, etc.

Do you work? Do you have your own apt, car, pay your own bills? Do that before you expect Him to pay for all your frivolous parties.

 

 

[Lambert]

I agree with the others. Holding your virginity over his head is pretty childish. You decided to have sex. It takes two. You gave it to him and that was your choice. If you really wanted to wait for marriage, you should have done that.  Also if it meant so much to you, wasn't it special and an act of love? And now you're using it against him? Not cool.

What are you doing to procure your future? How will a wedding, a home, a child be paid for? Just him?

[SherrySher]

He didn't take your virginity, you offered it to him....there's a difference.

Giving someone a gift like that, will turn ugly if you use it as a manipulation tool to guilt him into doing what you want him to do.

He has been honest with you, he's not ready for marriage or a baby, and that's fair.

I'm assuming that both of you are working and are putting money away for your future?

The ball is now in your court, are you willing to wait until he's ready, or not? If you're not, then you will have no choice but to leave him.

If you love him enough to wait till he's ready, then your only choice will be to wait.

It's good to tell someone what you were hoping for, but you also have to be ready if the other person isn't wanting what you're wanting, at least not right now.

 

 

[lostandhurt]

I remember when someone asked me when my wife and I would try and have a child.  I told them "when we can afford it" and they laughed and said "If you wait until you can afford it you will never have kids" 

Guys think differently than women.  Simple fact.   He is thinking as a provider and you are thinking as a nester.

Do you work?  Do you have a joint savings account for the wedding?

Getting engaged is a promise of marriage so he should at least be able to make that promise, if he cannot then you do need to reevaluate the future with him. The size of the ring doesn't matter does it" 

I don't think he is playing you but he doesn't feel the urgency you do and probably doesn't think he is in any risk of losing you over this.  In the end he should be able to express to you that yes he does want to marry you, yes he wants to have ____ number of children and would like to live in the city, country or suburbs.

You have expressed what you want in life and all I get from what you wrote is he wants financial security.  What about the rest...

This may come down to bad timing but until he expresses to you his dreams and how you fit into those dreams you have little to go on.

  Lost 

[smackie9]

If you are real big on marriage and family....did he say he was when you two met? Has he shown any motivation to reach this goal like getting together and start saving money? Where you are going to live, are you going to buy a house? how many kids? anything of that nature? If not then you are probably wasting your time if your end goal is to have all this before you are 30.

[East4]

To put things in perspective, with a fertility window for women being much shorter than for men, it is totally normal for a woman to think about marriage when she is 24. Throoawao, your desire to have a baby by the age of 30 seems very realistic to me. 

Now a days many young women are made feel guilty when they express their natural desire to start a family. On the other hand, men are allowed to benefit of all perks of marriage, without actually committing to marriage with a woman. Basically wasting her limited fertility window. To me this is unfair and a double standard. Men can father children by the age of 70, women by the age of 35, it is the half of what nature has given to males. 

What if you wait and wait another 10 years until your boyfriend dumps you and you have nothing to show for all your years of patience - no common future, no kids, nothing. 

You are free to want what your heart desires, do not let anybody make you feel guilty for your legitimate wishes.

I do not recall anywhere in your post you have said that you expect your boyfriend to be the sole breadwinner and that you do not work. So, am a bit surprised by some posters' assumptions that you do not intend to contribute towards wedding expenses, family expenses, etc. 

[throoawao]

57 minutes ago, East4 said:

To put things in perspective, with a fertility window for women being much shorter than for men, it is totally normal for a woman to think about marriage when she is 24. Throoawao, your desire to have a baby by the age of 30 seems very realistic to me. 

Now a days many young women are made feel guilty when they express their natural desire to start a family. On the other hand, men are allowed to benefit of all perks of marriage, without actually committing to marriage with a woman. Basically wasting her limited fertility window. To me this is unfair and a double standard. Men can father children by the age of 70, women by the age of 35, it is the half of what nature has given to males. 

What if you wait and wait another 10 years until your boyfriend dumps you and you have nothing to show for all your years of patience - no common future, no kids, nothing. 

You are free to want what your heart desires, do not let anybody make you feel guilty for your legitimate wishes.

I do not recall anywhere in your post you have said that you expect your boyfriend to be the sole breadwinner and that you do not work. So, am a bit surprised by some posters' assumptions that you do not intend to contribute towards wedding expenses, family expenses, etc. 

hi thank you for the response it’s very kind of you to be understanding. i do plan on working of course. i plan on providing for the family as well. i am in school right now, and i will be till my late 20s around (i’m doing a grad program). i do not expect him to pay for everything. i fully expect to share expenses and cover some in times of need. the problem is i don’t know how to secure that we will get married before 30 and have our first kid before 30 without being nasty about it. i want to wait for him to get on his feet and wait for me to get on my feet, but we haven’t started any fund to build this future together we haven’t worked towards it together, and i want to talk to him about doing so, i just don’t know the proper way of doing so. how can i? he’s also very prideful and i wouldn’t want to hurt his self esteem by telling him he’s no where in life and needs to get a move on (fully insensitive). 

[SooSad33]

I see where he's coming from.  It takes time & patience.

You see, at least, that you two met pretty young.  So, things between you ( your relationship) had to build.

You do know you can be engaged a long while before you actually Marry. Would you be fine with this?  

I hope this is not an insecurity thing with you - where you feel HE is fully committed, only if he puts a ring on your finger.

I was engaged to my ex 5 yrs before we got married.

As others mentioned.. do NOT keep sex an issue.  That's normal for couples.

 

[throoawao]

1 hour ago, East4 said:

To put things in perspective, with a fertility window for women being much shorter than for men, it is totally normal for a woman to think about marriage when she is 24. Throoawao, your desire to have a baby by the age of 30 seems very realistic to me. 

Now a days many young women are made feel guilty when they express their natural desire to start a family. On the other hand, men are allowed to benefit of all perks of marriage, without actually committing to marriage with a woman. Basically wasting her limited fertility window. To me this is unfair and a double standard. Men can father children by the age of 70, women by the age of 35, it is the half of what nature has given to males. 

What if you wait and wait another 10 years until your boyfriend dumps you and you have nothing to show for all your years of patience - no common future, no kids, nothing. 

You are free to want what your heart desires, do not let anybody make you feel guilty for your legitimate wishes.

I do not recall anywhere in your post you have said that you expect your boyfriend to be the sole breadwinner and that you do not work. So, am a bit surprised by some posters' assumptions that you do not intend to contribute towards wedding expenses, family expenses, etc. 

EXACTLY!!! that’s my fear exactly! being used for the perks of a marriage but not being provided the natural benefits of one. we do not live together, we both live at our parents’, we see each other probably once/twice/three times a week, due to our busy schedules. we have no money to put away to live together (well i don’t, i don’t even make an income yet) but i would definitely be providing for a family and a marriage when the time would come, i do not expect to put this all on the man. i just don’t want to pressure him into this for him to feel alone in this, i just don’t know the proper way to talk to him about it i suppose. 

thank you for your response 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, throoawao said:

 i do plan on working of course. i plan on providing for the family as well. i am in school right now

i wouldn’t want to hurt his self esteem by telling him he’s no where in life and needs to get a move on . 

Sounds like you don't love him. Also seems like you're the one who needs to "get a move on", if you live at home and don't even have a job.

[throoawao]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

If you are real big on marriage and family....did he say he was when you two met? Has he shown any motivation to reach this goal like getting together and start saving money? Where you are going to live, are you going to buy a house? how many kids? anything of that nature? If not then you are probably wasting your time if your end goal is to have all this before you are 30.

yes he did say and he consistently says he wants to get married to me and wants to have a family with me, he’s been saying this since we met 3 years ago. the only problem is the financial situation and his career path is very uncertain since he is a bit lost right now (maybe a quarter life crisis?) 

he has not shown any motivation to build a future besides work his ass off everyday however with his expenses all that money just somehow seems to be distributed elsewhere. i’m sure he has a savings account but i don’t think we would want to live off of our savings account. we both want to be financially secure before having a family, just i don’t see the motivation coming from him or me. i also don’t know how to approach it without affecting the relationship negatively

[SooSad33]

2 minutes ago, throoawao said:

we have no money to put away to live together (well i don’t, i don’t even make an income yet) but i would definitely be providing for a family and a marriage when the time would come,

Why are you not working?  You are 24?  So this is all on him... yah, will take a good while to get somewhere now...

You would provide for a family & marriage when the time would come?  How about now?

Often, when kids arrive is MOM who is at home - again pressure's usually on dad.

At this time, in my opinion,,, YOU need to slow down with Marriage expectations- as you've heard his side.

Stop going there all together - If people are continously pressured, can cause a HUGE uproar.  So, IF you want this guy 'forever', accept what is for next cpl yrs at least and deal with the 'now'.. which is not married yet.

[throoawao]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wow. You need to slow down on the bridezilla lecturing and beating him over the head about "taking" your virginity.

He seems to be reasonable that he needs to have his finances and employment in order before marriage.

Hopefully YOU and YOUR parents are all working 24/7 for your engagement party,  wedding, etc.

Do you work? Do you have your own apt, car, pay your own bills? Do that before you expect Him to pay for all your frivolous parties.

 

 

ok first off i don’t beat him up about taking my virginity LOL. i just mentioned it because it was an empty promise that was made after taking my virginity. which held a lot of value to me. i don’t bring it up to him at all, it’s just something i have in the back of my mind. 

of course he is very reasonable and i respect him for that, and i admire that about him. i just don’t want to miss my fertility window with being in an uncertain time frame. what if it takes years till he’s ready and i won’t be able to get pregnant then? 

to avoid this i want to find a way to talk to him about this without attacking or hurting him, to work together to build a future. 

yes i don’t work right now, but i’m not trying to get married right now. i wanr to wait till i’m financially secure as well.

and i do not expect him to pay for anything in full.

[throoawao]

8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I see where he's coming from.  It takes time & patience.

You see, at least, that you two met pretty young.  So, things between you ( your relationship) had to build.

You do know you can be engaged a long while before you actually Marry. Would you be fine with this?  

I hope this is not an insecurity thing with you - where you feel HE is fully committed, only if he puts a ring on your finger.

I was engaged to my ex 5 yrs before we got married.

As others mentioned.. do NOT keep sex an issue.  That's normal for couples.

 

yes! so i was totally fine with him proposing to me and us being engaged for some time till we got married. but he wasn’t ok with it, he didn’t want to get engaged and feel pressure to get married since again he is not feeling comfortable in his career, he doesn’t feel secure in his career. we spoke about promise rings as a substitute for that, we both were ok with that. and yea, unfortunately, in a way it is an insecurity issue. i was raised with the belief to not have sex before marriage and if i did my partner will leave me and i’ll be left alone and used :/. so in a way the promise ring and engagement ring was a way to secure me. but for him, engagement was a bit more serious than what it was for me.

[throoawao]

Just now, throoawao said:

yes! so i was totally fine with him proposing to me and us being engaged for some time till we got married. but he wasn’t ok with it, he didn’t want to get engaged and feel pressure to get married since again he is not feeling comfortable in his career, he doesn’t feel secure in his career. we spoke about promise rings as a substitute for that, we both were ok with that. and yea, unfortunately, in a way it is an insecurity issue. i was raised with the belief to not have sex before marriage and if i did my partner will leave me and i’ll be left alone and used :/. so in a way the promise ring and engagement ring was a way to secure me. but for him, engagement was a bit more serious than what it was for me.

oh and yes i don’t make sex an issue, it’s just something in the back of my head.

[Batya33]

If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay?  Stay that long.  Do not bring this up anymore.  When that time is up go to him and say -not as an ultimatum -that you two are not on the same page right now and should he ever decide he wants to get married within the year and have kids shortly after he can contact you then and if you're still interested and available you two can discuss.

He doesn't want to marry you.  He might want to in the distant future but he can't tell you when because -he doesn't want to marry you.  That could change. He might want to marry you in the future.  But now he does not.  As far as kid before 30 - seriously unless you're willing to adopt, foster, use a surrogate -you have no clue if your body will cooperate with your time table (unless perhaps you've frozen your eggs?).  Hopefully it will, but you don't know and you don't know if his body will cooperate.

I was engaged to my husband when we were in our early 30s.  We broke up.  It was just not the right time and I would have been settling. It was the right time many years later.  I too wanted to be done having kids by age 34.  But life happens.  So I started trying to have a baby when I was 40.5 years old and had a baby at 42.5 years old.  With the husband I'd been engaged to twice!  Never in a million years would I have thought our lives would work out that way.  And that "never in a million years" -that's kind of like what being a parent is like -so unpredictable!  So I would be extremely predictable about what you can control - you can control your personal goal of marriage and family by only being with people who want that goal, and then want that goal with you in a concrete way -where there is a ring and a date.  He doesn't have that goal with you right now so I'd do what I suggested in my first paragraph. I'm sorry this is so disappointing.

Also -never ever try to convince someone to marry you!

[throoawao]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think he is playing you, but he's being honest that he is not anywhere near ready to get engaged and start planning a forever-life yet. 

Most people at your ages aren't, to be fair. If you continue pestering him about marriage, I promise you that it will end your relationship... either by him breaking up with you, or by marrying you when he isn't ready and then divorcing you. You should never pressure someone into something like this. That only breeds resentment and will make him want to run. 

You either have to accept that he can't promise you anything right now and set a mental timeline for yourself for how long you are willing to be patient - or start thinking about ending this. And yes, that might be a scary thought. But it is what would need to happen if you feel you cannot wait any longer. 

But he didn't "take" your virginity. You are an adult who decided to have sex, a willing participant. Try not to frame it as though he took it away. That's not fair. 

hi! thanks for your response. yes i totally agree, bugging him about it won’t make him closer to me. i have made a mental timeline till when i am willing to wait and that was before 30. i didn’t want to wait any longer than that to not miss my fertile window. i told him that and he agreed with me and said he just cannot 100% promise that it will happen before 30, he wants that to be the case, but he constantly brings up situations that might not allow that to happen. like him not succeeding in his life, or him having to take care of his parents at that point and not be able to get married, etc etc. 

idk if heistellingme them because he got scared of my push and doesn’t want to be pestered, or if he’s thinking worst case scenario. 

ireally have no idea how to approach this given either situation.

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, throoawao said:

was raised with the belief to not have sex before marriage and if i did my partner will leave me and i’ll be left alone and used

Okay, but not true.  Sounds like he IS truly into you.  Sex goes with a 'relationship'... Is not like he's been using you for a few mos, then left.

As for 'being left alone', yes, if a relationship fails, we are alone - which is good- to regroup, heal etc.  That's also part of life & relationships. - never a real 'guarantee' 😞 

If he does not want to do a ring thing, I guess that's on him.

But, how about YOU change your focus.  Look at finding work, to ease the burden of that stressor.

 

[throoawao]

Just now, SooSad33 said:

Okay, but not true.  Sounds like he IS truly into you.  Sex goes with a 'relationship'... Is not like he's been using you for a few mos, then left.

As for 'being left alone', yes, if a relationship fails, we are alone - which is good- to regroup, heal etc.  That's also part of life & relationships. - never a real 'guarantee' 😞 

If he does not want to do a ring thing, I guess that's on him.

But, how about YOU change your focus.  Look at finding work, to ease the burden of that stressor.

 

🥺 i know.. that’s the sad truth of things. all things come to an end. i have been focusing on school and applying to grad schools, this has been a stressor for quite some time now unfortunately. thank you so much for your kind advise 

[throoawao]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay?  Stay that long.  Do not bring this up anymore.  When that time is up go to him and say -not as an ultimatum -that you two are not on the same page right now and should he ever decide he wants to get married within the year and have kids shortly after he can contact you then and if you're still interested and available you two can discuss.

He doesn't want to marry you.  He might want to in the distant future but he can't tell you when because -he doesn't want to marry you.  That could change. He might want to marry you in the future.  But now he does not.  As far as kid before 30 - seriously unless you're willing to adopt, foster, use a surrogate -you have no clue if your body will cooperate with your time table (unless perhaps you've frozen your eggs?).  Hopefully it will, but you don't know and you don't know if his body will cooperate.

I was engaged to my husband when we were in our early 30s.  We broke up.  It was just not the right time and I would have been settling. It was the right time many years later.  I too wanted to be done having kids by age 34.  But life happens.  So I started trying to have a baby when I was 40.5 years old and had a baby at 42.5 years old.  With the husband I'd been engaged to twice!  Never in a million years would I have thought our lives would work out that way.  And that "never in a million years" -that's kind of like what being a parent is like -so unpredictable!  So I would be extremely predictable about what you can control - you can control your personal goal of marriage and family by only being with people who want that goal, and then want that goal with you in a concrete way -where there is a ring and a date.  He doesn't have that goal with you right now so I'd do what I suggested in my first paragraph. I'm sorry this is so disappointing.

Also -never ever try to convince someone to marry you!

that’s a funny way of life working and fate finding you, thanks for sharing your story! 

if i knew with no doubt that he never wants to or plans on marrying me, i wouldn’t stay a second longer with him. 

the problem is that he doesn’t tell me that, he says he wants to but i don’t see any effort going towards that. i don’t want to burden him with all the effort, i’d be down to work with him on it even. i just don’t know how to approach that situation. 

i don’t want to leave him for a later resort. it feels like unsettled, if i were to end things with him id end them for good, and find myself someone else. but waiting for him to build himself up just to get back to him, seems like a headache. id love to work with him on that now, if he would be down and if it wouldn’t hurt his pride

[throoawao]

18 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Why are you not working?  You are 24?  So this is all on him... yah, will take a good while to get somewhere now...

You would provide for a family & marriage when the time would come?  How about now?

Often, when kids arrive is MOM who is at home - again pressure's usually on dad.

At this time, in my opinion,,, YOU need to slow down with Marriage expectations- as you've heard his side.

Stop going there all together - If people are continously pressured, can cause a HUGE uproar.  So, IF you want this guy 'forever', accept what is for next cpl yrs at least and deal with the 'now'.. which is not married yet.

i’m not working becuase i’m a full time student who is simultaneously interning in labs and applying to grad programs. 

i’d be fine with accepting this for the next few years, just i wanted him to make that promise that it would be before 30 WHICH IS TOTALLY REASONABLE. and he was just scared to do that he was thinking of worst case scenarios of what could happen and he could potentially ruin my life.

idk man... idk if this is his way to trying to get me to leave him or what. whenever i bring up leaving he gets sad and we reminisce old memories and jsut cry together. this is such a headache already.