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i’m so confused about what to do next... (getting married advice)


throoawao

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3 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think this is the main problem.  Him (and you as you note here) don't show any motivation to making your dreams a reality.  

Is there a reason why he doesn't seem to want to make plans with you?   Or set aside the specific amount of money you'd need, etc?  Is there a concrete reason as to why he's so adverse to even the talking and planning side of your relationship?  That would drive me (a planner-type) crazy and would make me feel like we were literally, "going nowhere."

You can get married dirt cheap and be poor for the first few years, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. Couples can grow mentally and emotionally stronger when they go through hard times like that.

Things will happen in life, so having a flexible attitude helps... approaching marriage with this, "everything must be perfect," attitude may not serve a person well in life long-term, because life isn't perfect. 

One of you could experience unforeseen job loss 10 years in, or a disease or disability, you just never know what the future holds.  But it helps when you know you made it through severely tough financial times in the beginning of your marriage... it helps you know you can handle whatever comes next, because you've handled things when they've seemed the absolute worst.  

So don't be afraid to get married when you have next to nothing.  It really isn't the end of the world, just another life choice that makes you start from the bottom up. 

 

So this is great input and I wanted to add -I am a planner type too BUT you don't need to be a planner type to want the person you love to be motivated and put effort into making plans even years in advance - whether it's starting to save money for the future(no, not for a fancier ring or a wedding reception -for the concrete things will you need -and no not in a joint account since you're not married yet).  There is no reason at all to tell yourself or him "I know I'm too much of a planner but....".  You're not.  It's normal to want to plan for the future with the person you want to marry.  Whether you're a planner type or not.  My husband hates having to over plan for stuff - I'm a type A married to a type B - but he was all over our marriage and baby plans - I didn't have to ask as far as his motivation to get married and get me pregnant, or have to ask as far as "when" - because the when was "ASAP".   

And yes anything can happen.  I know two women who were diagnosed with terminal cancer in the one case, and in a major bus accident in the other - one a few months after getting engaged, one three days after.  In both cases their fiancees took care of them and married them.  The woman with terminal cancer tragically died after being married only two years but he stuck by her side.  The second story -he married her, she got a huge settlement for her case -let them live large - and they just got divorced after 13 years together - so all that money and their gorgeous house, etc didn't mean they were happily married I guess.  (Live large -but she is in constant pain, uses a scooter type device to get around ,etc -it's really no way to live).

My other friend got engaged at age 24 to a 31 year old advertising executive.  They both lost their jobs right before the wedding 7 months later. They just dealt with it. 

So yes there are certain things you can control but marriage itself is a leap of faith - I can see him wanting to wait for financial reasons.  I think his being unwilling to make any plans is a red flag as far as - it's inconsistent with what you want - and that incompatibility is going to drive a real wedge unless you actually do change your mind and are happy being his girlfriend forever.  And I mean forever -because I first asked you if you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay.  In this situation I think that's the assumption you need to make and stop asking him about plans or marriage, 

 

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