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Think I might be overthinking...


Rb1980

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Well....wanting someone who is more available, has more time to be present in the relationship with you is a valid desire.

 

In reality, this woman does not have that capacity between her health issues and children. It's exactly what you are seeing - she can rush in and seduce and get a guy hooked on that, but to maintain what she was doing early on is not possible. She says she doesn't want to rush because her relationships fall apart when she does it, but that pony has already left the barn - she did very much rush with you and now you are in this weird situation where it feels like you are further along than you really are, but also you have issues coming up that you really shouldn't be having just 2-3 months in.

 

Your instincts are actually correct in that if this was healthy, you would be growing together and moving forward instead of stalling out. Of course, to do that, you can't start out going 1000 mph. So can you reset and start over so to speak?

 

Maybe you need to think long and hard about your own motivations regarding her and trying to make this work. You were lonely and she made you feel super wanted, but that's not really a foundation for a healthy relationship. Is there more there that you can actually build on?

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A person can be busy or people can be busy but still be with you or present in your life consistently. I'm sorry - my response remains the same. This person has a lot of anxiety and (mental/emotional) issues preventing her from being in a stable or long lasting relationship. The way she views her previous relationships suggests a lot of fear and lack of confidence in herself. These are all things I'd be noting if I was dating someone. She's not ready for whatever reason and you're just finding it out the hard way later on in getting to know each other.

 

There are a lot of people who aren't self-actualized, looking for comfort at the wrong times from the wrong spaces or places. This doesn't make her a bad person but I don't think she's in any shape psychologically to be dating. What also makes me wary is that she replies to you that she's wanting to take things slow for the intentions of a longer relationship. This is a bit like dangling a carrot in front of a horse. You're being strung along by someone who doesn't know how to be in a committed or stable relationship and who has a lot of anxiety regarding romantic relationships. She's just not on the same page.

 

Continue dating but do so at your own risk. I don't think this is a good idea and you'll just have to find out for yourself.

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Thanks again all. I've been working today and messaged her earlier just asking how she is and that she seemed a little distant I got a reply a few hours later saying, "all good, sorry just feeling crappy and all swollen" (her joints sometimes do this)

I asked if the feeling crappy was mental or physical to which she replied "physical plus I'm really tired" I said I'm here if she needs anything and to call me if need be. Didn't hear back.

 

I know I can sometimes be overbearing and it's deffo an error on my part but I don't like people struggling or unhappy.

The fact she doesn't reply irritates me as a polite, "it's ok " or a "yeah call me" would stop me reading too much into things

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Stop bugging her about being "distant". That can really get irritating. Stop asking her if the two of you are OK or if she's sure she wants to keep seeing you or anything like that. You will run her off if you keep that up.

 

And your message didn't require a response.

 

Plus...remember she has kids? Kids need things and kids ask for things and kids need attention. So she will not always be able to leap on your messages and respond immediately.

 

You've got to get ahold of yourself. You're obviously very anxious but it's not her job to soothe or fix or relieve your anxiety. You need to find healthy ways to manage it yourself.

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This! 100% this. I know where I'm going wrong I just have a really bad way of dealing with it.

I've seen how much time her kids take up and trust me..it's a lot!

I know I should be understanding of that, I guess it's just because in the past even when they have been a right handful, she's always called me, text me or whatever.

 

She's not my property and she is totally free to do as she wishes, it's just like I said earlier, the change of pace makes me question the lack or reply/interaction more.

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Next time you are tempted to send one of those "Please relieve my anxiety" messages do something else instead. Power down your phone for an hour (you'll survive, I promise!) and go DO something. Fix a snack, do some exercises, reply to some work emails. Anything but reaching out to her to reassure you YET AGAIN.

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To be honest, looking back through my messages it's been very rare I've sent anything like that. I think I probably have asked her in person about things like this more than I do in text. I know I shouldn't but after she referenced slowing down. I needed answers.

 

I probably have looked for reassurance a bit much and I've noticed that recently. It is only stemming from her change in behaviour though. If she had stayed the same I'd never be thinking "what if?" Etc.

 

For example, by now her kids would be in bed , I just saw she was online on FB. Surely as my partner it would have been polite to have just responded to me and carried on her evening.

 

Normally she would....

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I'd look at all this differently.

 

You're anxious right now because what you want from a romantic connection, and what you actually have, are at odds. Five minutes into dating someone, in the grand scheme of things, and you're already trying to go "go back" to "how things were." Never a good sign. Logically, of course, you understand that "how things were" was kind of cray, in that you two were doing all the insta-relationship and insta-family stuff. Still, it felt good, a lot better than how things feel right now.

 

All this "stepping back" and "slowing down," to say nothing of being mindful and accommodating of her responsibilities as a mother, aren't really worth much if they don't make you more excited to be investing in this, more confident, more calm. This is not partnership, after all, but dating, seeing about partnership. From these seats, it seems to me you're seeing a lot that is at odds with what you'd like from partnership, but because you've already invested in a certain story—that you two are partners—you're kind of keeping the blinders on, trying to snuff out some unsettling feelings in your gut.

 

Anyhow, guess I'm just saying to be honest with yourself, about how all this is making you feel and whether it's enough. Regardless of all the moving pieces, at 2-3 months the answer should be a simple yes: a straight line, not a maze.

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So I spoke to her this morning, she said she had been feeling a little rough so was just happy at home with her kids.

 

She seemed a little vacant but said she was just feeling so tired and not that well.

I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt for now as I know she has a lot on but I'm still not 100% convinced she is as into this as me

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Yeah, my ex expected me to be available to him whenever he wanted me to be.

 

I was a single mother of two middle school age children. My ex thought I should stop by every day after work to spend a couple of hours with him. He cheated on me because I didn't spend every single night with him at his house. He thought my kids were old enough to be left alone overnight. He resented that I wasn't willing to do that. He whined "I think you love those kids more than you love meeeeee!" Well, yeah. So he chose to cheat on me by having his ex or another woman spend the nights I didn't spend with him. God forbid he do without attention for a few hours.

 

If you can't stand being without continual attention then this single mother is not the one for you. You can find someone who devotes herself solely to you.

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Thanks,

I'm sorry you encountered that in your relationship.

 

I think I may have explained things badly. I certainly don't want attention from her all the time, as mentioned in previous posts. I've seen first hand how busy she can be and I've always known I'm not the priority.

I'm cool with that.

Where my worries/concerns lie are that prior to wanting to slow down she would call, text, visit with a lot more frequency. Now it's a lot less it just makes me question things more.

 

It's just where she seems not too fussed that gets me. I could be reading to much into it and as a result, due to my overthinking brain, ask her questions or raise any doubts I have. These in turn annoy her which lead to her loosing interest.

Maybe I just leave it and where she's said she's feeling a little poorly, after a few days she will bounce back and we will be all good as I wouldn't have annoyed her by being judgemental!

Who knows eh!?!

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She told you she wanted to slow things down.

 

If you're not OK with that, then you can make the choice to end the relationship.

 

Stop obsessing over how things were in the beginning. And please stop asking her questions or raising doubts! She told you she was going to slow down so I'm not sure why you need to keep asking.

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Sorry, I'm not asking her about slowing down. That part of it I totally get and am happy with. I told her I'm happy to go at a pace that makes her feel comfortable.

 

The only questions I ask that may be perceived as too much by some people is when we have spoken on the phone or face to face, I've asked if she is ok as she sometimes seems a little down, stressed, tired etc. It's genuinely from a place of care but I can understand how it may come across as pressure or smothering.

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She told you she wanted to slow things down.

 

If you're not OK with that, then you can make the choice to end the relationship.

 

Stop obsessing over how things were in the beginning. And please stop asking her questions or raising doubts! She told you she was going to slow down so I'm not sure why you need to keep asking.

 

This ^^^100%....but IMO if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. You want this, she wants that....that's sending this relationship out of balance. If you are not happy with this situation, you are frustrated, feeling dissatisfied by being held back....just walk away because the return of those happier times probably won't be coming back anytime soon.

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I think as well, it wasn't the chase as such. We just hit it off right away. As if we had known each other for years. Everything just felt right, felt positive.

I could well be reading too much into it and she's just having a rough week, feeling ill, dealing with the kids etc

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