Think I might be overthinking...

[Rb1980]

Hey all,

 

Wanted to give you an update. I dropped her a text last night when I finished work saying that I hope she was feeling better. I got a reply saying "I'm going back to sleep soon" I replied a generic reply and left it at that. She kept showing up online on FB but that didn't bother me much but an hour or so later I sent a goodnight message.

This morning she replies saying "sorry, still feel rough, had a bad night sleep"

"No worries" I replied, "you don't need to apologise"

We end up speaking on the phone about an hour or so later just chatting general chit chat! I then tell her I'm feeling a bit rubbish and stressed due to a variety of things . She asked why and I told her how work was a little hectic right now but also how her distinct lack of interest in me right now is getting to me. I told her I'm totally cool with not being a priority as she has the kids and that I understand how busy she can be. I don't want 24/7 communication but an acknowledgment every now and then isn't too much to ask. Considering we were in daily contact, texting a lot, visiting each other etc.

I then told her the slowing down is totally fine as I want her to feel comfortable but to go from putting in even a small degree of effort to literally none isn't fair. Relationships need to be worked on from both sides right!?!

 

I then mentioned how if it's just me putting the effort in, it makes me come across as needy, desperate etc when all I'm trying to do in reality is keep the relationship as , for want of a better word, normal.

 

I feel I need to end it with her but really don't want to as when I'm not feeling this muddled or when she is acting as she normally does we are having a great time!

[boltnrun]

See, thing is, the "slowing down" is NOT "totally fine" or you wouldn't keep bringing it up. And you wouldn't keep mentioning how things were in the beginning.

 

And it's OK. You want someone who shows the amount of interest she showed in the beginning ALL THE TIME. And she is not. She is not going to go back to how it was in the beginning.

 

If you're legitimately OK with it, stop mentioning it! And if you're not, then it's fine to end it.

 

Otherwise, since you keep bringing it up, she may be the one to end it. Which IMO wouldn't be such a bad thing since your efforts to convince her to go back to how it was in the beginning aren't working.

[DancingFool]

Well....if she is telling you that she is feeling bad and going to sleep, but then you can see her remain active on FB (and it's not the first time she's done something like this) then the harsh reality is that she is lying to you and playing games with you. Either she is a coward who doesn't know how to end things politely or she is literally playing games because she has no earthly clue how to behave in a healthy manner. I said this in your previous thread that this woman is a walking red flag - her mouth and her feet are always moving in opposite directions. I stand by that opinion now.

 

Bottom line is that when a relationship is causing you this much anxiety instead of happiness and security, that's a really good reason to end things.

 

Other than that, maybe think long and hard about some lessons to take away from this experience - like don't rush so fast into an insta relationship. Remember that you have a voice and can dictate the pace just as much as the woman can. Basically, don't be so dang cheap that anyone showing you a bit of attention can reel you in and then jerk you around.

[boltnrun]

My Facebook shows me as "active" even if I'm not actually viewing it. My phone is signed into Facebook so it will always appear I am "active" even when I'm sleeping. People message me and ask why I didn't reply until the next day because it showed me as "active". But I wasn't, I was legit sleeping.

 

And I was a single mother. When I was busy with my kids I wasn't playing games, I really was busy with them. Kids are unpredictable, you don't know when they're going to feel sick or have a bad dream or throw a tantrum or hurt themselves or just be fussy.

 

So I see it differently. But bottom line, if you're not OK with how the relationship is going now (and it's just not going to go back to the way it was, period) then you can of course choose to opt out.

[MissCanuck]

her distinct lack of interest in me right now is getting to me. I told her I'm totally cool with not being a priority as she has the kids and that I understand how busy she can be. I don't want 24/7 communication but an acknowledgment every now and then isn't too much to ask. Considering we were in daily contact, texting a lot, visiting each other etc.

I then told her the slowing down is totally fine as I want her to feel comfortable but to go from putting in even a small degree of effort to literally none isn't fair. Relationships need to be worked on from both sides right!?!

 

I then mentioned how if it's just me putting the effort in, it makes me come across as needy, desperate etc when all I'm trying to do in reality is keep the relationship as , for want of a better word, normal.

 

How did she respond to all of this?

 

Honestly, I think you two are not compatible and should just call it a day. I have a feeling she's thinking the same thing and doesn't yet have the courage to tell you that, I'm afraid.

[Rb1980]

She said all my efforts would be worth it and that I'm doing all the right things. She just didn't want to be hurt or let down in a relationship as rushing them before ended badly for her

[boltnrun]

She said all my efforts would be worth it and that I'm doing all the right things. She just didn't want to be hurt or let down in a relationship as rushing them before ended badly for her

 

So can you stop questioning her now? Because all the questioning indicates you are NOT "totally fine" with the slow down.

[Rb1980]

Well yes I can, however yesterday I messaged her in the morning wishing her and the kids a fun weekend. No reply but that's cool as it didn't require one. 7 hrs later I got a reply saying "good". This made no sense so I left it. When I left work, I called her but she didn't pick up, she then text saying "busy day will call you on a bit"

I was already anticipating she wouldn't.

A few hrs later she messaged me so I called back. She answers to tell me she's settling her daughter. No worries that's cool.

Around 930pm I text and say, "are you calling back?"

I get reply saying, "No, I'm shattered and just watching TV"

I answered back a little rudely and got "i just don't feel like it, I'm tired, it's been a busy day and the little lady is not settling properly"

 

Partially I feel im over reacting by being annoyed at this as she's always called or text at times like that. Partially I feel I need to understand things may well crop up at home etc and she just wants to shut herself off.

[Wiseman2]

You need to stop smothering her. It would be best to fill your time and days with more involvement with your family, friends, kids, sport, interests, etc. You are getting one word responses because you are hounding her all day out of boredom.

 

Aside from that text-tethering is controlling and besides being a very busy working custodial parent of kids with issues, she can't drop everything and entertain you. Breathe. Let her initiate.

[Rb1980]

Oh I agree, I can see how it may come across to some as hounding. I didn't think it was as it was just a polite good morning message. Then simply my reply to her text.

 

I'm happy to let her initiate but as she isn't, it concerns me more. Her kids have always had these issues but it never stopped her calling or texting at all hours before. If it had always been this way, I wouldn't have any concerns but this past week it's like I don't exist!

What is text tethering by the way?!?

[boltnrun]

She is not going to go back to the way things were before. She is not.

If you can't accept this fact then you can feel free to end the relationship.

[Rb1980]

I know that, I'm fine with that.

Maybe I'm not explaining this the way I feel it.

The slow down conversation was about a month ago. We've been all good during this time. Chatting every day, seeing each other etc etc.

It's since last Monday that she literally won't answer calls/call me, doesn't reply to messages or seems off. It could well be she had a lot on but I'm not to know that if she doesn't say!

[MissCanuck]

OP, I think you need to stop.

 

Stop calling her first, stop always initiating the first contact. She what does if her own volition, when you’re not on her about not calling or texting. I know you’re desperately looking for reassurance but you’ll never know if she’s genuinely interested or merely just responding to you if you don’t lay off a bit.

 

And yes, you might realize that she’s not just not that into you anymore. But no amount of texts or calls to soothe your own anxiety is going to change that. The way you’re handling it now is likely to have but one result, and it’s the one you’re trying to avoid.

 

I don’t think you’re totally wrong in wondering if she’s losing interest, to be fair. She is busy and seems like she doesn’t really have the time or energy to offer what you’re looking for.

[Rb1980]

Thanks, I totally agree I know what I should do, it's just the putting it into practise I often find hard!

She might not be as into me anymore and maybe it's that that ultimately concerns me more as from my side, nothing has changed. I'm still the same guy she met in terms of how I treat her and her kids, how I talk to her etc etc. She fell for that version of me and that's what I've tried to maintain . she's the one who all a sudden has just started blanking me. A day before all this she was helping me take my kids back to their mum's house (it's a long drive away!) And saying how when we do it next time we should stay in a hotel overnight and make a little trip of it!

[MissCanuck]

I get that her sudden shift is unnerving. It would unnerve anyone, regardless of the reason.

 

But you can't make her want to revert to the way it was before. She's showing you she's not truly in that place. You're not okay with slowing things down if this is what it looks like, and it's okay to admit that to yourself.

 

The question you have to ask yourself now is: if it this is what dating her is going to be like, are you going to be satisfied and fulfilled in this relationship?

[bluecastle]

Why the instinct to pretend you're "cool" with things you are so clearly not cool with, and that would throw anyone, in your shoes? I'd give that some thought.

 

And were I to venture a hypothesis? It's because somewhere in your core you know that, to answer the question, is to really yank on the thread that unravels the whole curious quilt. You'd have to acknowledge that the reason she was so text happy and you-obsessed off the bat is because she's a bit wobbly in her core these days, looking for fluttery distractions from the overwhelming grind she now displays front and center. You'd have to acknowledge that, perhaps, some wobbles in your own core made all that so seductive.

 

Unfortunately, in trying to dodge that question and that unraveling, you're getting what? A "relationship" composed primarily of downer texts from her, occasional visits with her kids that double as dates, long periods of heightened nerves, clingy behavior on your part, and a tenuous grip on memories about how things once were. This is it. This is what being in a relationship with her will look and feel like.

 

Ultimately, I think relationships can be measured by one question: Do you like who you are, how you act, and how you feel, being in it? So turn that over in your mind a bit, rather than all this obsessing about her. That will provide security, clarity, if maybe not of the sort you're hoping for.

[boltnrun]

Do you want to try to remain in a relationship with a woman who acts as though she's not all that into you anymore?

 

If so, would you remain because you "hope" she will return to how she was before she started behaving as though she lost some interest?

[Rb1980]

Looks like we may have got to the bottom of part of it although I still have my doubts.

She told me today her eldest son told her he doesn't want to be around me. I've known him to get like this before with a variety of things so I have to respect it.

 

Oddly he wanted to video call me on Friday to tell me all about his trip to Legoland and last time he was here he asked if he could stay so I'm finding it a little odd that's it's turned especially as she was acting off with me from Mon/Tue of last week

[boltnrun]

That's a tough one. She's essentially being forced to make a choice, and it looks like she is going to choose her child.

 

Now, I'm not saying that I agree with allowing your kids to make your dating choices for you because many times the kids will dislike anyone who isn't their dad or mom (fantasies of reconciliation). But it certainly doesn't make things easy.

 

So, you have to realize this is going to be an issue. You won't be able to integrate your lives, at least not any time soon. So you can continue to be frustrated and disappointed and finding the situation "odd", or you can also make a tough decision; whether you can accept having a partial relationship or if this just isn't going to work for you.

[bluecastle]

Looks like we may have got to the bottom of part of it although I still have my doubts.

 

Sounds more like you're just wading further into a swamp, if I'm being honest. You seem really, really eager to find a way for all this to make sense, but I'm not sure if that's the same as being in something that is fun to be in. Today the "bottom" is her eldest son's feelings about you, whereas a few days ago the "bottom" was her physical fatigue. Tomorrow or Thursday it will be...well, something.

 

I'm biased here, I admit, by my own experiences, first as a child of single mom, today as the partner of one. But do you not find it all strange to be this involved, this quickly, in the lives of someone's children? I'm trying to imagine the last few months of her eldest son's life. One guy for a stretch, now another. Hard for me not feel that, whatever he is expressing about you with his mother, is at least in part a way for him to tell his mother that he's not finding a whole lot of security in the way she's living.

 

Any way you slice this, this is a woman who comes with a lot, and for whom a lot of that "a lot" seems very, very turbulent.

[boltnrun]

Sounds more like you're just wading further into a swamp, if I'm being honest. You seem really, really eager to find a way for all this to make sense, but I'm not sure if that's the same as being in something that is fun to be in. Today the "bottom" is her eldest son's feelings about you, whereas a few days ago the "bottom" was her physical fatigue. Tomorrow or Thursday it will be...well, something.

 

I'm biased here, I admit, by my own experiences, first as a child of single mom, today as the partner of one. But do you not find it all strange to be this involved, this quickly, in the lives of someone's children? I'm trying to imagine the last few months of her eldest son's life. One guy for a stretch, now another. Hard for me not feel that, whatever he is expressing about you with his mother, is at least in part a way for him to tell his mother that he's not finding a whole lot of security in the way she's living.

 

Any way you slice this, this is a woman who comes with a lot, and for whom a lot of that "a lot" seems very, very turbulent.

 

Yes, but this type of situation has a strong appeal for a certain type of person.

 

I was involved for about 5 years total with a man who went hot and cold and frequently withheld his affection and attention. And I reacted by becoming even more entrenched. I HAD to get that man to love me! All of the struggles just made me want him more.

 

And yes, that is very unhealthy. If I'd been emotionally healthy I would have walked away two months in because at that time it was already clear I would be in for a push/pull situation. But no, it just bonded me more with him because for some reason the struggles made him more valuable to me.

 

RB, you are in for a struggle. Does that make you want her more, or less?

[Rb1980]

Thanks guys.

This particular son has autism and both her and I have noticed he chops and changes opinions on what and who he doesn't like daily!

That's why I'm finding it so off too as he loves being around me, we play video games, we play fight, do arts and crafts, he's very interactive with me.

I can't help but think either he has said this and it gives her the reason she needs to call things off, or he hasnt said it at all and she feels the only way she can make me feel it ending is justified is to say she needs to protect her kids happiness.

Either way something doesn't add up!

[Rb1980]

Wow....that's almost a nail on head situation!

I think yes maybe a little but through her avoidance of me it makes me want more answers rather than want her more.

It's almost as if she were to reply to a text or answer the phone id feel at peace with it all but as she doesn't it makes those cogs go round and you stwrt to question and doubt stuff

[boltnrun]

So you didn't answer my other question...do you want to continue this relationship knowing this is how it's going to be?

 

And no, she will NOT go back to the way things were before. So, do you want to continue?

[Rb1980]

Sorry, wasn't intentional!

I want to continue with it to work on it and make it grow.

I don't want to be constantly wondering " what if"