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Think I might be overthinking...


Rb1980

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Well, per bolt's earlier post, it kind of sounds like you've got your ideal dynamic: the less she offers, the more complicated it all becomes, the more intrigued you get. Maybe there is a way to see that for what it is, and enjoy it, rather than yearn for it to be something different? I ask that sincerely.

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Sorry, wasn't intentional!

I want to continue with it to work on it and make it grow.

I don't want to be constantly wondering " what if"

 

And what if she continues on the way she is right now?

 

You do realize it doesn't make sense to complain about it when you know what you're getting into.

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I totally get what everyone is saying, earlier today I had my counselling session and I raised this with her.

As with many counsellors they try and give you a positive outlook.

She mentioned how i should message the gf and say how I had maybe misinterpreted her lack of communication as directly to do with me rather than see it as that she was trying to say she needs a little space in her life as she has so much on right now and with that in mind I'll give her the space she needs to recharge/get back on track

I did this but got no reply!

 

She did text me first thing this morning and say "call you later" this never happened either!

 

She did reply though to when I asked if the two youngest had found their first day at school ok

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To be honest, I reply to everyone.

Something the gf did say to me at the start of our time seeing each other was that her friends moan at her for her lack of replying.

I accepted this as a trait of hers but she always replied to me eventually. Recently though she doesn't-or does so less frequently

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I don't know what else to tell you.

 

Either you accept this or you don't. You've already told her how you feel and you are obviously unhappy with how things are going. But, it's your choice. You can stick around trying to get blood out of a turnip if you want, but be prepared for more of this.

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She mentioned how i should message the gf and say how I had maybe misinterpreted her lack of communication as directly to do with me rather than see it as that she was trying to say she needs a little space in her life as she has so much on right now and with that in mind I'll give her the space she needs to recharge/get back on track

I did this but got no reply!

 

She did text me first thing this morning and say "call you later" this never happened either!

 

She did reply though to when I asked if the two youngest had found their first day at school ok

 

You need to read between the lines.

 

She doesn't want to discuss this issue further. She seems to be tried of talking about it and trying to reassure you.

 

You can either choose to accept that she isn't where you are, or you can choose to end it. No amount of emotional texting and analyzing is going to make her reply when she's just not as emotionally attached to all of this as you are.

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Decipline yourself to only respond and not initiate. It's weird to follow your therapist's advice to contact her again to announce you are giving her space and then just resume your excessive text tethering.

 

If you want a GF, she's not the one. If you want a text buddy she's not the one either.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey all,

 

Just a small update.

Since last here I have tried making less contact or only contacting in small amounts . She seems to have responded more positively as I do get more phone calls and texts than I was before.

There are still a few doubts here and there which does make me think it's deffo worth ending it.

 

We were due to go out for lunch this week but she cancelled due to having forgotten that she was assisting her mum with taking her brother to college. Some may say it's just another excuse, it's certainly what I felt it was at first- but I know that with her Mum working full time, she does help with the college and school runs.

We rescheduled for next week instead.

 

She then called and said maybe we could meet for a coffee this week instead but she wouldn't have a lot of time. I said ok. This week she is getting her house decorated by her uncle and in her words , "she's living out of her bedroom" this week. So she text back and said, "can we just do Tuesday instead, my uncle needs is to go to Wickes to get more bits plus I forgot I have a food shop arriving"

 

I said it's fine, part of me just feels it's excuses but part of me sees she does just have a hectic life.

Considering she drops her kids at school by 9am, then assists with her mum until around 10am, then has to leave to collect hers by 2.30pm. she has just a 4hr window to have some downtime, prepare dinner for kids, do housework etc.

She actually stated the other day, this is the first time in 6 years she hasnt had a child demanding her attention as they are now all at school.

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How much longer are you going to stay in a relationship that clearly isn't meeting your needs?

 

She's too busy for the sort of relationship you want.

 

Just going to second this.

 

At this juncture, the hard fact, best I can see, is that you've now spent much longer being dissatisfied by this relationship that excited about it, to the point that if it were to end tomorrow the thing you'd be losing is...well, what? Being able to look in the mirror and see someone "in a relationship"? No longer having the false comfort of potential, of it all one day, some day, morphing into something that feels good and right?

 

Or am I missing something?

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How long has it been since she "pulled back" or "slowed down"?

 

It's been about a month, correct?

 

Why MUST you keep trying to force this to work?

 

Good question, to be honest I think a little part of me is afraid of being alone.

The other part of me wants to learn to accept this relationship for what it is, work with it and make the best I can of it

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Good question, to be honest I think a little part of me is afraid of being alone.

The other part of me wants to learn to accept this relationship for what it is, work with it and make the best I can of it

 

But you, for the most part, ARE "alone".

 

Or do you mean you can tell yourself you're in a relationship and for some reason that makes you feel better?

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But you, for the most part, ARE "alone".

 

Or do you mean you can tell yourself you're in a relationship and for some reason that makes you feel better?

 

Yeah I know I am, maybe it's the feeling of being in one or the hope that this gets better or something, I don't know.

 

With regards to your 2nd point, it could be that. I just find it hard right now as over the past couple of weeks I've probably learnt more about how busy her life gets during term time and maybe I'd never given that a thought before so as a result I'm looking to accept it for what it is and hope we slowly spend a little more time together

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I don't know your life history, but what I can't help but wonder? If part of the reason you are so bent on making this work is because you have a past in which something didn't work with kids involved, in that case your own child.

 

Like, let's pretend that, instead of this hectic stuff involving her children, it involved her, I don't know, needing to post lots of pictures of beauty products to maintain her status as a social media influencer. Would you be as prone to accommodate it? Would the fear of being alone be so powerful as to commit to something in which you feel, fundamentally, alone inside of it?

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Let us not forget the covid situation and teachers, students and parents being on tenterhooks this month. If I'll play devil's advocate on this I'd say treat her trials with some respect and give some leeway. This month may be completely out of the question for meeting. It may not be until her living situation is settled too.

 

On the other hand, I think what you're looking for is a partner who has more time for you. I understand this all too well. Be willing to call a spade a spade then and recognize your needs too.

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Sorry, poor choice of wording, what I meant was I accept how busy things are now because of school runs and the change of routine etc. I just wouldn't mind a little more interaction.

In the past it was loads and I know now, it can't match that but just a little more here and there would probably make me feel happier/more comfortable

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Sorry, poor choice of wording, what I meant was I accept how busy things are now because of school runs and the change of routine etc. I just wouldn't mind a little more interaction.

In the past it was loads and I know now, it can't match that but just a little more here and there would probably make me feel happier/more comfortable

 

So again, you are trying to get back to the way things used to be.

 

It's ok if the amount of attention and time you're getting isn't enough. But trying to pry it out of her just isn't going to work.

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