Girlfriend breaks up with me as I’m getting job offers in her city, what to do?

[Balkan]

Very sorry about that. It's hard to know what she's thinking but something is spooking her...just short of reaching what you hoped was a 2 yr resolution to the distance. It sounds like she doesn't want to hurt you but eventually had to give you this news. What did she think about applying for jobs all over?

 

That’s why I think the uncertainty of where we were gona end up was spooking her, and that maybe she just lost patience and hope thinking that we could work out in the long run because of our careers.

I never had much experience in internships in college or anything like that, so she knew I had to take whatever job was given to me wherever. In March we had a conversation about this. I was in the final stages of an internship in Europe, and she was genuinely happy for me because she knew that’s what I wanted and it was right up my alley. I told her if I took that we’d have to consider what to do with us, because LD was hard enough for us between TX and NY, Europe would just make it even harder. But she said no no, I will wait for you here! We’ve been doing it this long we can continue it I know it it’s worth it! But that ended up falling through and she just told me to keep applying, and that’s when I shifted my focus towards TX, because I saw she’d be there and wanted to stay with me if I went to Europe, so being in Texas in person together again would be perfect for both of us, and it was our dream at the time

[MissCanuck]

I just wana see with my own eyes how we are in person face to face again and realize what we feel for each other. That’s the hope I’m holding on to because I know it’s there.

 

She's quite clearly telling you the opposite though, my friend.

 

For whatever reason, she wants to be apart from you more than she wants to be with you. Maybe it's because she thought you wouldn't be happy in her area or that the relationship would never progress. Maybe there's more to it that she's opted not to disclose.

 

Don't go to where she is unless you can handle the very real possibility of hearing "thanks, but no thanks" again. She's giving you very little reason to believe that things will turn out otherwise, sadly.

[dias]

All her friends and family and herself knows I was the best guy to ever and will ever be in her life.

That's a big claim.Are you a tall handsome doctor with dark hair, blue eyes and a six-pack?

 

has only dated 3 guys

Damn, you didn't understand the cue. I love the magic number.

 

OP, I haven't read further than this but my opinion is: don't try to change anyone's mind, it doesn't work. It's a waste of time. For both of you.

[smackie9]

Talk of a future together is just that TALK and should never be taken as a promise....things can change. This relationship has ran it's course, her feelings are fading, and yes it's confusing her, but it's natural for this to happen. This didn't happen over night, this has been going on for awhile. Now that things are getting real she realizes she doesn't have those feelings anymore. She has emotional attachment, but no attraction or romantic feelings. You can't make that change or go away. A lot of people what to expand their horizons when they have finished school. She probably wants to see what else life has to offer. Sorry for your hurt....give her, her space. It's all you can do at this point.

[Balkan]

Talk of a future together is just that TALK and should never be taken as a promise....things can change. This relationship has ran it's course, her feelings are fading, and yes it's confusing her, but it's natural for this to happen. This didn't happen over night, this has been going on for awhile. Now that things are getting real she realizes she doesn't have those feelings anymore. She has emotional attachment, but no attraction or romantic feelings. You can't make that change or go away. A lot of people what to expand their horizons when they have finished school. She probably wants to see what else life has to offer. Sorry for your hurt....give her, her space. It's all you can do at this point.

 

 

This has started since we weren’t able to see each other for 4 months because of the pandemic. It’s only natural sexual or romantic attraction is lost when you’re not having any for 4 months when you’re used to it multiple times a month. Especially when those 4 months I was almost depressed and kept a lot away from her because I didn’t wana open up to her about how hard it was at home for me. I just wana have hope until we see each other in person finally, and if we still feel the same then, so be it. But we can say whatever we want over the phone, once you’re in person with them, it changes so much

[Rose Mosse]

It wasn’t the lack of interest in wanting to live with her in her city, it was just the lack of available jobs in my field in her city. I’m in diplomacy and the jobs usually are only in cities like NY, DC, Chicago etc..wasn’t anything in her city pretty much. Which is why we originally talked about moving to a neutral city that’d fit both of us. But she later told me she only sees herself in TX for the time being and doesn’t wana leave. I respected that and said I will apply to any type of job that seems to interest me in her city then, even if it’s not in my field/career path, and that’s what I did and that’s the offer I got.

 

Would I be happy there without me and her being together? Probably not. Because her and her Friends would be the only people I’d know there, and of course with the pandemic, it’s gona be hard to meet and start a new social group wherever I go, so I’d be alone there if we don’t work out, but I’d be alone no matter where I go for the time being anyway. The only friends I’d have in her city would be hers, and I love them and they love me and they’d hang out with me but it’d be strange at the same time I’d assume

 

Do you mean you accepted a job that was not within your field or desired field in order to be closer to her?

 

I can see why you're so attached to the idea of the relationship if so. If you don't mind me saying, you haven't thought of yourself as an individual. You keep reverting back to both of you as a couple and what your ideas were like as a couple.

 

My only suggestion to you is to focus on the move if you still want to move and accept this job and start getting back on your own two feet.

 

I think there's the weight of the world on your shoulders and guilting her into a relationship or carrying that weight is not something anyone wants to be a part of. I'm speaking very frankly from a relationship standpoint. It's unattractive unfortunately and it only shows to another person that you're not able to sustain your identity, your goals, hopes, dreams without that person and you are even willing to give up something critical about yourself that makes you you to be with that person.

 

This loss of identity isn't sustainable over a long period of time. It's a huge burden for the other partner to carry.

 

Explore your new city and keep your eyes peeled for opportunities that you would really like to work in or get involved in. Maybe you're not paid for it right away but you can also volunteer and help the community in different ways. You're stuck in this relationship and ended up giving up parts of yourself in order to make it work when it's already not working. I feel like you are clinging to this as a comfort rather than striking out into the unknown on your own terms.

[MissCanuck]

Has she already agreed to see you if you go to her city, OP?

[Balkan]

Do you mean you accepted a job that was not within your field or desired field in order to be closer to her?

 

I can see why you're so attached to the idea of the relationship if so. If you don't mind me saying, you haven't thought of yourself as an individual. You keep reverting back to both of you as a couple and what your ideas were like as a couple.

 

My only suggestion to you is to focus on the move if you still want to move and accept this job and start getting back on your own two feet.

 

I think there's the weight of the world on your shoulders and guilting her into a relationship or carrying that weight is not something anyone wants to be a part of. I'm speaking very frankly from a relationship standpoint. It's unattractive unfortunately and it only shows to another person that you're not able to sustain your identity, your goals, hopes, dreams without that person and you are even willing to give up something critical about yourself that makes you you to be with that person.

 

This loss of identity isn't sustainable over a long period of time. It's a huge burden for the other partner to carry.

 

Explore your new city and keep your eyes peeled for opportunities that you would really like to work in or get involved in. Maybe you're not paid for it right away but you can also volunteer and help the community in different ways. You're stuck in this relationship and ended up giving up parts of yourself in order to make it work when it's already not working. I feel like you are clinging to this as a comfort rather than striking out into the unknown on your own terms.

 

I 100% get where you’re coming from. But at the same time, I just graduated college into probably the worst job market ever. I cannot be picky right now, and she’s told me that before. You can’t get your dream job/field right out of college. You gota take whatever’s given to you to just get experience and money and put something on your resume. And I think during this time period that applies more than ever. Because it’s not like I’m in my 30s with a stable and set career path or job that I can’t get out of. I’m 23 and need to take whatever’s given to me right now, I have no real experience. This job I applied to was the closest thing to my field I will probably find right now, and it’s a job I will enjoy. So it’s not like I’m leaving being a diplomat in NY to become a retail store worker in TX.

 

And I’ve for the most part, always put myself first in any situation. The reason we even met in the first place was because of that. I got on a plane alone to go to Europe for an exchange semester without knowing anyone there or coming with me, nor even knowing who my roommates were, and just showed up and started living and getting to know new people, and that’s how we met. I love doing that type of stuff. Could meeting her and this situation be clouding me? Maybe for sure, but neither of us have ever met anyone like each other before, we were both our first serious relationship that we actually cared about and loved every second of it.

 

So in this sense, I wouldn’t be settling by being there with her. Initially that’s what I originally thought I’d have to do, but then the pandemic hit and all of any opportunities I had up here got cancelled or postponed. And she even told me that she can’t let me settle for her, that it’s not my dream and she can’t let me do that. And I agreed with her, but right now, based on the details I described I do not think that’s what I’d be doing. What happens if I don’t take this offer? Wait around unemployed and hope another better offer up here is given to me in the next month or so? I don’t know if that’s a risk I wana take

[boltnrun]

If this job opportunity is a good one that you'd accept regardless of your status with her, then I say go ahead. You never know what will happen. However, try to be open to the possibility that you might end up with someone else who is a better fit for you.

[Balkan]

She's quite clearly telling you the opposite though, my friend.

 

For whatever reason, she wants to be apart from you more than she wants to be with you. Maybe it's because she thought you wouldn't be happy in her area or that the relationship would never progress. Maybe there's more to it that she's opted not to disclose.

 

Don't go to where she is unless you can handle the very real possibility of hearing "thanks, but no thanks" again. She's giving you very little reason to believe that things will turn out otherwise, sadly.

 

I don’t disagree, and those I know for certain are the biggest reasons. The uncertainty of how she wants to stay in TX and that TX wasn’t that feasible for me at the moment, the fact that we felt stuck in our relationship the last couple months. We both just graduated and finding jobs and everything was moving so fast, but our relationship was just kinda stuck because of the pandemic, and we couldn’t do much. I felt the same way, I mean going this long without seeing someone you love this much kills you. And I know the feeling was mutual, I know it so bad. And I guess the combination of those things just put her over the top, because these job offers/interviews didn’t come until after she ended it.

That’s why if she sees that I have an actual career, an actual path and future in her city where she wants to be, which is what she was always having doubts about, she’ll realize that this could work and our spark comes back

[Rose Mosse]

I 100% get where you’re coming from. But at the same time, I just graduated college into probably the worst job market ever. I cannot be picky right now, and she’s told me that before. You can’t get your dream job/field right out of college. You gota take whatever’s given to you to just get experience and money and put something on your resume. And I think during this time period that applies more than ever. Because it’s not like I’m in my 30s with a stable and set career path or job that I can’t get out of. I’m 23 and need to take whatever’s given to me right now, I have no real experience. This job I applied to was the closest thing to my field I will probably find right now, and it’s a job I will enjoy. So it’s not like I’m leaving being a diplomat in NY to become a retail store worker in TX.

 

And I’ve for the most part, always put myself first in any situation. The reason we even met in the first place was because of that. I got on a plane alone to go to Europe for an exchange semester without knowing anyone there or coming with me, nor even knowing who my roommates were, and just showed up and started living and getting to know new people, and that’s how we met. I love doing that type of stuff. Could meeting her and this situation be clouding me? Maybe for sure, but neither of us have ever met anyone like each other before, we were both our first serious relationship that we actually cared about and loved every second of it.

 

So in this sense, I wouldn’t be settling by being there with her. Initially that’s what I originally thought I’d have to do, but then the pandemic hit and all of any opportunities I had up here got cancelled or postponed. And she even told me that she can’t let me settle for her, that it’s not my dream and she can’t let me do that. And I agreed with her, but right now, based on the details I described I do not think that’s what I’d be doing. What happens if I don’t take this offer? Wait around unemployed and hope another better offer up here is given to me in the next month or so? I don’t know if that’s a risk I wana take

 

Having all of this happen, maybe go into moving for the job as a clean slate and don't hope too much out of this relationship. She could be speaking with other people also and going about and enjoying her independence. I think you're setting yourself up for heartache going there and hoping to be with her. I agree with what Bolt said above.

 

Although the love and care for this person remains, I'd be very hesitant and cautious to start a relationship with this person again. When someone shows you what they don't want is you after they've gotten to know you, that's a clear cue to check yourself and accept what they're showing you.

 

Stay confident and start making new friends in your new town. What I worry about most about you is that you end up going there without fully realizing that you are completely alone. The idea of her friends or not having her will hit you like a ton of bricks and you'll do poorly in your job, ending up at square one as if you didn't have one in the first place.

 

Be careful about where you place your expectations and hopes. Don't set yourself up for unrealistic plans or dreams or go in having the idea that either of you are a couple anymore. You're not. Her connections are not your connections and assuming that they are would be invasive. Go in singularly as an individual and nothing more. Have more faith in yourself that you can make it on your own with or without her. It will make the outcome (whichever way it goes) a lot easier on you in the long run.

 

The weight and stress of moving to a new city might be causing you a lot of headache right now and adding to the heartache of these relationship problems. Prove to yourself you can do it without her. You may surprise yourself later on and realize you don't need or want her at all.

 

I don't think it's a bad idea to take the job either - just make sure it's for the right reasons. Can you look up volunteer positions in TX also in diplomacy or government? What about forwarding your studies and doing a part time masters program? Did you already complete an MA? I'm not certain of any government positions without a masters or postgrad. What do you need to forward your career?

 

No matter what it is or where you are, you can always look at ways of improving yourself. What I'd also worry about in this situation are feelings of disillusionment and discontent with your new job not specializing in the area you studied. You should find another outlet that grounds you and keeps you connected to your passions. Have some kind of balance or 50/50 split - openminded to relationship options in your new town but also dedicated to your career plans.

[MissCanuck]

That’s why if she sees that I have an actual career, an actual path and future in her city where she wants to be, which is what she was always having doubts about, she’ll realize that this could work and our spark comes back

 

What happens if it turns out you're wrong about this?

[Lambert]

As much as it actually hurts, your feelings and perspective are truly only yours. You can speculate what she does and says till you're blue in the face, but it doesn't make it true.

 

I know from my own life and experiences, most people are incapable of being completely honest about the reasons and what the hope is for the future. No matter if its with others or themselves.

 

It may come from something I read, that I feel is true... people give us their best. Furthermore, to me, that speaks to our commonalities as humans. We don't want to hurt people, let them down, have them think bad of us, we have our own insecurities, dreams and hopes... you mix that bowl of ingredients, which is very specific to each person, and you get omotivation for actions.

 

The best you can do is take care of yourself. Make decisions that serve you. She's bowed out. Let her.

 

Whatever the future holds and it sounds like you have a lot of options right now... pick the ones that serve you to bring you the best future. An area with opportunity for your field (so you arent trapped at the only game in town) a good work life balance (so you can meet like minded people with common interests), and best cost of living (bang for your buck).

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, I'd handle this in an opposite way. Regardless of where I choose to live or work, if someone didn't see a future with me, I'd say, "I understand, but I'm not interested in sticking around to play friendzies. I'm clear that my agenda is a relationship--so why would I want to hang around the periphery of your life hoping that you'll change your mind? I respect your choice, but I need to heal and move forward. If you ever feel differently and decide that you want a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

This would liberate me from trying to manipulate, because neither of us could ever trust a choice to be with me due to my influence or pressure from family. That's not good enough for me, and neither are scraps.

 

Work and live wherever you want, but if you believe that spending time with someone who breaks up with you will 'work,' that's the perfect way to learn how familiarity breeds contempt.

[Balkan]

Having all of this happen, maybe go into moving for the job as a clean slate and don't hope too much out of this relationship. She could be speaking with other people also and going about and enjoying her independence. I think you're setting yourself up for heartache going there and hoping to be with her. I agree with what Bolt said above.

 

Although the love and care for this person remains, I'd be very hesitant and cautious to start a relationship with this person again. When someone shows you what they don't want is you after they've gotten to know you, that's a clear cue to check yourself and accept what they're showing you.

 

Stay confident and start making new friends in your new town. What I worry about most about you is that you end up going there without fully realizing that you are completely alone. The idea of her friends or not having her will hit you like a ton of bricks and you'll do poorly in your job, ending up at square one as if you didn't have one in the first place.

 

Be careful about where you place your expectations and hopes. Don't set yourself up for unrealistic plans or dreams or go in having the idea that either of you are a couple anymore. You're not. Her connections are not your connections and assuming that they are would be invasive. Go in singularly as an individual and nothing more. Have more faith in yourself that you can make it on your own with or without her. It will make the outcome (whichever way it goes) a lot easier on you in the long run.

 

The weight and stress of moving to a new city might be causing you a lot of headache right now and adding to the heartache of these relationship problems. Prove to yourself you can do it without her. You may surprise yourself later on and realize you don't need or want her at all.

 

I don't think it's a bad idea to take the job either - just make sure it's for the right reasons. Can you look up volunteer positions in TX also in diplomacy or government? What about forwarding your studies and doing a part time masters program? Did you already complete an MA? I'm not certain of any government positions without a masters or postgrad. What do you need to forward your career?

 

No matter what it is or where you are, you can always look at ways of improving yourself. What I'd also worry about in this situation are feelings of disillusionment and discontent with your new job not specializing in the area you studied. You should find another outlet that grounds you and keeps you connected to your passions. Have some kind of balance or 50/50 split - openminded to relationship options in your new town but also dedicated to your career plans.

 

You’re probably right this is just setting me up for heart ache. Because I don’t think I have it in me to go to her city for a job in a clear state of mind. And if I’m there and a few months down the road she’s with someone else, it’ll destroy me inside. That’s why a part of me just wants to go to Europe and find a job so that I can tell myself this was always logistically impossible. But at the same time, I can’t pass up an amazing opportunity of a job simply because it’s in her city and I feel like I won’t be able to handle it? I don’t know what to do

 

What if I FaceTime her or wait til we can meet and just tell her. That I have received an amazing offer for an amazing job but that I very well might not take it. Simply because I can have all the money in the world and the best job in the world, but a part of me will still be missing because we don’t have each other and nothing else would matter to me. And it’ll hurt me too much to just be alone in her city knowing she doesn’t want to keep trying if that’s the case. I don’t know I’m just so full of emotions still after almost two months of this I feel it’s just getting worse

[Rose Mosse]

You’re probably right this is just setting me up for heart ache. Because I don’t think I have it in me to go to her city for a job in a clear state of mind. And if I’m there and a few months down the road she’s with someone else, it’ll destroy me inside. That’s why a part of me just wants to go to Europe and find a job so that I can tell myself this was always logistically impossible. But at the same time, I can’t pass up an amazing opportunity of a job simply because it’s in her city and I feel like I won’t be able to handle it? I don’t know what to do

 

What if I FaceTime her or wait til we can meet and just tell her. That I have received an amazing offer for an amazing job but that I very well might not take it. Simply because I can have all the money in the world and the best job in the world, but a part of me will still be missing because we don’t have each other and nothing else would matter to me. And it’ll hurt me too much to just be alone in her city knowing she doesn’t want to keep trying if that’s the case. I don’t know I’m just so full of emotions still after almost two months of this I feel it’s just getting worse

 

This is what I was afraid of... you're moving there for her without much thought for yourself unless it's attached to an idea of being together. Do you mind me asking where are your parents and your family? Do they support you in this move? I wouldn't advise a friend, relative or anyone close to me to make this move unless he was absolutely sure that he's doing it for his own best interests (professional or personal). The risks are too great. You're 23 now with every intent to forward your career and get some experience (or that's what you mentioned earlier) so why are you letting one woman take that opportunity from you?

 

If we slow down for a second and look at the next two years or five years, how would it make you feel if you move to this city and remain unhappy due to your job and continuing an on/off relationship with someone for the next two or five years or ten years? Are you willing to do this? How important are your other goals compared to this person?

 

Reach out to family and friends for support too. Think about whether this is good for you overall.

 

I don't think facetiming her and letting her know about the job opportunity is a good idea. You're looking for a reaction from her and it's a bit manipulative with questionable or variable outcomes, none of which you can be sure are certain. I think this will throw you into worse anguish and pain. Both of you are no longer in a relationship anymore so these discussions shouldn't be happening. Move only if you feel it's best for you career-wise or for other reasons you feel are in your best interests. If you find yourself in that city, it's up to you if you want to contact her but you'd have moved for your personal reasons, not solely for her.

[MissCanuck]

What if I FaceTime her or wait til we can meet and just tell her. That I have received an amazing offer for an amazing job but that I very well might not take it.

 

I am not sure what you hope she will say to that.

 

She will probably feel even more guilty for hurting you, is my guess. You can tell her but I would not hold your breath for a response that will somehow make this all better.

[Balkan]

I am not sure what you hope she will say to that.

 

She will probably feel even more guilty for hurting you, is my guess. You can tell her but I would not hold your breath for a response that will somehow make this all better.

 

I told her, she says she can’t tell me what to do, to come or not. She agreed to meet in person to see how we can move forward. We FaceTimed for 2 hours, and again, her ONLY reasoning for any of this is simply she has a feeling that she can’t see herself growing old together with me. A 2 year relationship done on a feeling? She can’t elaborate on it, it’s like there’s something bigger but at this point you’d think she’d just tell me to be done with it. I ask her to describe all the qualities she sees in a long term partner, and when she describes them I ask her is that now what we are together? And she agrees it is, but she still has this “feeling” that she can’t ignore. It’s truly killing me.

 

I ask her again, so in the moment, when we’re always so happy together loving and enjoy everything about us, so you think about growing old together? No, because we’re enjoying the moment, so why would you automatically assume after a certain amount of time that’s going to fade? And you’re scared to commit because of that? I’ve just never seen this before

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Do you think there may be someone else? She seems to talk about lost feelings a lot.

[MissCanuck]

her ONLY reasoning for any of this is simply she has a feeling that she can’t see herself growing old together with me. A 2 year relationship done on a feeling? She can’t elaborate on it, it’s like there’s something bigger but at this point you’d think she’d just tell me to be done with it. I ask her to describe all the qualities she sees in a long term partner, and when she describes them I ask her is that now what we are together? And she agrees it is, but she still has this “feeling” that she can’t ignore. It’s truly killing me.

 

That's a pretty significant and valid reason. Sometimes people fall out of love, OP. You can't always explain why and how it happens, but it does. Whether it's because she's interested in someone else, or has simply lost interest in the relationship - you have to stop trying to get a logical explanation out of her. She's unwilling or unable to articulate for you in a way that will make sense to you. So yes, she's ending it for a valid reason for her. She knows the feeling she has about you not being her future is too strong to overlook. It's the awful side of a break-up: the dumper doesn't need the endorsement of the dumpee to end it. It doesn't necessarily mean she's scared to commit. She's doing the brave and honest thing by letting you go when she knows she doesn't feel the same way anymore.

 

In the end, when you feel you need to convince someone to be with you, it's already over. This might be different if you two were older and already had several years together under your belt, a family or otherwise very big shared commitments - but that's not the case here. It's not unusual for people in your age bracket who are not yet done growing and experiencing life before they want to settle down.

 

It's going to be better not to pursue the idea of reconciliation any further.

[Lambert]

That's a pretty significant and valid reason. Sometimes people fall out of love, OP. You can't always explain why and how it happens, but it does. Whether it's because she's interested in someone else, or has simply lost interest in the relationship - you have to stop trying to get a logical explanation out of her. She's unwilling or unable to articulate for you in a way that will make sense to you. So yes, she's ending it for a valid reason for her. She knows the feeling she has about you not being her future is too strong to overlook. It's the awful side of a break-up: the dumper doesn't need the endorsement of the dumpee to end it. It doesn't necessarily mean she's scared to commit. She's doing the brave and honest thing by letting you go when she knows she doesn't feel the same way anymore.

 

In the end, when you feel you need to convince someone to be with you, it's already over. This might be different if you two were older and already had several years together under your belt, a family or otherwise very big shared commitments - but that's not the case here. It's not unusual for people in your age bracket who are not yet done growing and experiencing life before they want to settle down.

 

It's going to be better not to pursue the idea of reconciliation any further.

Very true, Miss Canuck.

 

OP, if you look inside yourself and your own past, I'm sure you will find times where you just decided something for yourself. And maybe you weren't comfortable to share the true reason for it. Its just a personal decision.

 

On the receiving end of this, is heartbreak, pain and misunderstanding. Its completely natural to want to understand and or to hope they will change. To even challenge her reasons, shows a level of incompatibility.

 

Anyone can break up with anyone for any reason. Is it terrible to deal with? yes. It is. But you're better off and you dont even realize it. Losing someone that doesnt see a future with you, is actually a gain. Not a loss.

[Balkan]

That's a pretty significant and valid reason. Sometimes people fall out of love, OP. You can't always explain why and how it happens, but it does. Whether it's because she's interested in someone else, or has simply lost interest in the relationship - you have to stop trying to get a logical explanation out of her. She's unwilling or unable to articulate for you in a way that will make sense to you. So yes, she's ending it for a valid reason for her. She knows the feeling she has about you not being her future is too strong to overlook. It's the awful side of a break-up: the dumper doesn't need the endorsement of the dumpee to end it. It doesn't necessarily mean she's scared to commit. She's doing the brave and honest thing by letting you go when she knows she doesn't feel the same way anymore.

 

In the end, when you feel you need to convince someone to be with you, it's already over. This might be different if you two were older and already had several years together under your belt, a family or otherwise very big shared commitments - but that's not the case here. It's not unusual for people in your age bracket who are not yet done growing and experiencing life before they want to settle down.

 

It's going to be better not to pursue the idea of reconciliation any further.

 

I don’t disagree, but from my viewpoint she’s had these “feelings” before in certain situations and has been wrong. She had a feeling one time that I was hooking up with another guy, she had a feeling That long distance was never gona work or be the same for us as we felt in Europe, until she realized how much we missed each other and decided to do this. Yet beside all this, she still reiterates that she doesn’t want me out her life, and when I ask her what this means she doesn’t even know. There isn’t someone else, I just feel that because we spent 4 months away from each other due to the pandemic, it left her with more and more time to just think and think, and whenever she does that she gets in her head. Because I asked her, when we’re together in person feeling amazing with each other, do you feel this way about this feeling? And she says no, because of course he doesn’t, when everything feels this good in the moment that’s all you care about. I know I have to accept it, but when I see her in person I don’t know how we’re gona feel

[Balkan]

Sorry to hear that. Do you think there may be someone else? She seems to talk about lost feelings a lot.

 

There’s not. She’s “talking” with someone who’s her neighbor but that’s it, there’s nothing between them or anything’s happend, I asked her directly and told me to tell me. I truly feel this is the result of not seeing each other for 4 months and questioning everything about us during that time because we forgot what it felt like to be with each other

[Wiseman2]

Being accused of being gay is a huge red flag. So is her telling you she didn't want long distance. She has zero respect for or faith in you.

 

Does she have mental health problems with paranoia? Is she into some sort of voodoo or superstition when she claims she gets these "feelings"?

 

This is not someone I would risk my future on. Trying to override her "feelings" with logic doesn't work, nor will forcing it by simply showing up. Even now you are interrogating and bargaining and she is simply jerking you around and stringing you along.

She had a feeling one time that I was hooking up with another guy,

she had a feeling That long distance was never gona work or be the same for us as we felt in Europe

she doesn’t want me out her life, and when I ask her what this means she doesn’t even know.

[MissCanuck]

I don’t disagree, but from my viewpoint she’s had these “feelings” before in certain situations and has been wrong. She had a feeling one time that I was hooking up with another guy, she had a feeling That long distance was never gona work or be the same for us as we felt in Europe, until she realized how much we missed each other and decided to do this.l

 

What this sounds like is that she's been having doubts for a long time, actually.

 

And yes, she's tried to overlook them, but it hasn't worked. So here you are today, sadly. In my experience, when you have to work this hard to get someone to stay with you, it doesn't work out in the end. As much as you can't help the strong urge to be with her, she can't help the strong urge to end it.

 

I would also be concerned about this neighbour she's talking to. I know it hurts a lot to even consider, but chances are that she wouldn't have mentioned him at all if he were just a random male friend who she had zero interest in. I don't necessarily mean that she has cheated, but I also don't think he's a total non-entity to her at this point, either. She likely wouldn't have phrased it as "talking to" if it weren't something a little more than a friend.

 

You, on the other hand, would be wise to stop talking to her for a while. Take some space to yourself now.