what do we do

[boltnrun]

Same question you've asked several times already. And it's been answered several times.

 

You feel bad because you keep allowing her to use you. And you refuse to do anything to make it stop. Period.

[catfeeder]

I'm trying to move on, how long does this take.

 

Depends on where you keep putting your focus.

If you keep it fixed where it's been, then the answer is 'never'.

[lost39-]

Ok so quick update guys n girls, have been doing the no contact and no longer staring at my phone for it to receive a message. It was my birthday yesterday, and Friday night at exactly 12.00 midnight she messages me saying I love you I miss you. Please don't message back. What's this all about?

Thanks for listening all

[Lambert]

Ok so quick update guys n girls, have been doing the no contact and no longer staring at my phone for it to receive a message. It was my birthday yesterday, and Friday night at exactly 12.00 midnight she messages me saying I love you I miss you. Please don't message back. What's this all about?

Thanks for listening all

Its a manipulation.

 

She can text you, but you? don't text back.

 

How pathetic. Don't text her. Delete and block

[Batya33]

Its a manipulation.

 

She can text you, but you? don't text back.

 

How pathetic. Don't text her. Delete and block

 

Yes, I agree. So childish.

[boltnrun]

Ok so quick update guys n girls, have been doing the no contact and no longer staring at my phone for it to receive a message. It was my birthday yesterday, and Friday night at exactly 12.00 midnight she messages me saying I love you I miss you. Please don't message back. What's this all about?

Thanks for listening all

 

She wants to make sure you're still in her fan club in case she needs to use you for something.

 

I wonder if she showed that message to the man she's involved with.

 

Ignore it is my advice.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not normally a fan of block/delete but from the pattern of random texts and check ins from her I think she uses communication with you to fan her ego. You already mentioned what she wants is to keep you in her life. For what? This person has totally no concept of consideration or remorse. Is she a sociopath? A bit thick in the skull? No idea about the damage she's done? I seemed to read earlier in the thread she drinks also? Is she an alcoholic? She could have been drunk when she messaged you. I don't think you should feel bad for her or even intrigued. This should be setting off a lot of alarms and making you question her as an individual.

 

You spent a long time together so disengaging from your memories together might take some time. Definitely make the time. Disengage.

[lost39-]

Thank you all, I felt like I was not getting over it but certainly alot better, its wierd I don't miss her anymore I miss the companionship, real robbed of the future that was planned out.

I seriously doubt he would have seen it cause only calls me when she not with him. You guys/girls are great thank you x

[catfeeder]

...I don't miss her anymore I miss the companionship, real robbed of the future that was planned out.

 

I hear. This time of healing is a good time to consider viewing the people of the world as your companions. Consider ways that you can contribute some of your time and focus toward your neighbors and community to build other forms of companionship into your life.

 

From there you can become inspired to build new plans for your future.

 

While anger is part of the grief process, getting hung up on feeling ripped off is a barrier to healing. So think of ways to mitigate this, not by squelching it, but rather by expanding your vision beyond it.

 

Building a future happens one baby step at a time. Reward yourself for any of those you take.

 

Head high.

[lost39-]

Why are Sundays always harder, I know have good days and bad days, does it ever turn to just good days? Still find myself thinking about her 😔

[catfeeder]

Why are Sundays always harder, I know have good days and bad days, does it ever turn to just good days? Still find myself thinking about her 😔

 

It turns into more good days the less you ruminate. This doesn't mean that occasional thoughts are taboo, but it does mean that sinking yourself into them too deeply only drills you a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

Turn your focus to ways to distract yourself from doing this. The most beneficial way that I've found is to book a commitment to spend time helping someone--anyone. Make commitments that you do not break. You'll find that doing normal things, such as helping a friend paint or clean their garage or run an errand becomes 'normalizing' time of anchoring your focus beyond your current habits.

 

Devoting time to others moves us out of our own way. Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. So don't wait until you 'feel like it'--just show up for someone no matter what, and you will thank yourself later.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/6/2020 at 8:11 AM, Darcus30 said:

Why are Sundays always harder, I know have good days and bad days, does it ever turn to just good days? Still find myself thinking about her 😔

Darcus, have you considered therapy to unpack and sort this out? Or support groups?

[boltnrun]

Ask yourself how long you want to stay stuck in this loop. Do you feel happy?

[lost39-]

No not happy at all

[boltnrun]

46 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

No not happy at all

Do you think continuing as you have been for all these months is the path to happiness?

[SooSad33]

Honestly.. it ALL has to stop.  YOU are driving yourself bad as you continue to accept what little you're getting.

 

I get it, you still feel deeply for her, but in order for you to start healing & improving at all you HAVE TO let go!

I mean everything!  No runs.. no chatting it up ( and she has no need to ask you where you are going et).

She is still in TOTAL control over everything even you - right?

You two split, over a year ago?  Then you are done!  No more.

Do not give into her!  You owe her nothing.  And stop giving in.  She's got you wrapped around her lil finger & she knows it,

Ever hear of the saying, 'All or nothing'??  When I split with ALL of my ex's. It was done.  All done.  There was no more hanging out, there was 'No more US'.

I did have one controlling Ex- he was annoying!  I tried to move on & I was harassed for 2 yrs!  (was obviously harder for him to accept & let go- of course, but it made it all much harder).

Point is... If you are done, then it's done- so YOU need to step up & give her nothing now.

Do not need to reach out any more. Unless it has to do with your children.  Because if you keep up this way, YOU continue to be dragged along- so lost in yourself. :(.

From her end is selfishness!  Done is done.

 

So, pick up you feet and walk away - totally.

Work on accepting now & getting yourself back to GOOD.  No way are you able until you stay away from her & this sad mess :(.

 

In time it will get easier... I Know.  But not until YOU gain control.

[lost39-]

16 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Honestly.. it ALL has to stop.  YOU are driving yourself bad as you continue to accept what little you're getting.

 

I get it, you still feel deeply for her, but in order for you to start healing & improving at all you HAVE TO let go!

I mean everything!  No runs.. no chatting it up ( and she has no need to ask you where you are going et).

She is still in TOTAL control over everything even you - right?

You two split, over a year ago?  Then you are done!  No more.

Do not give into her!  You owe her nothing.  And stop giving in.  She's got you wrapped around her lil finger & she knows it,

Ever hear of the saying, 'All or nothing'??  When I split with ALL of my ex's. It was done.  All done.  There was no more hanging out, there was 'No more US'.

I did have one controlling Ex- he was annoying!  I tried to move on & I was harassed for 2 yrs!  (was obviously harder for him to accept & let go- of course, but it made it all much harder).

Point is... If you are done, then it's done- so YOU need to step up & give her nothing now.

Do not need to reach out any more. Unless it has to do with your children.  Because if you keep up this way, YOU continue to be dragged along- so lost in yourself. :(.

From her end is selfishness!  Done is done.

 

So, pick up you feet and walk away - totally.

Work on accepting now & getting yourself back to GOOD.  No way are you able until you stay away from her & this sad mess :(.

 

In time it will get easier... I Know.  But not until YOU gain control.

What a lovely response thank you. And good to hear it from a ladies point of view, I think you are right! What I dont get is what does she get out of stringing me along? Is it narcissism?

I think as you say I need to stop it now, yes I have said this before but life is too short for me to be this unhappy. 

Thanks for the talk

Mark x

[boltnrun]

She does it because she can. You fall all over yourself to see her and do whatever she wants. Why shouldn't she enjoy that?

You can continue doing what you've been doing and stay miserable. Or you can stop the nonsense and give yourself a chance to truly have peace and be happy. Which will you choose?

[LaHermes]

On 1/1/2021 at 12:32 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Darcus, have you considered therapy to unpack and sort this out? Or support groups?

Just bring up again what Wiseman asked.

You keep saying (since forever) that you will put a stop to this unhealthy enmeshment. 

Why are you asking us what she "gets out of stringing you along". It doesn't matter why, just that you allow her to continue doing it, and you dance the macabre dance with her. Yes!

Then again, with a few drinks in here, maybe she thinks "I'm bored. Let's wind up ole Darcus".  

The question is, I repeat, and which so many others here are asking: "Why are you doing this to yourself."

And as SoSad said, until you stay away you are going nowhere.

Back at beginning August 2020 you said:

"sick of this emotional roller coaster now . When will I feel better guys n girls? Just drinking myself to death here"

You have been told so often by all the posters what you have to do to "feel better".

 

[lost39-]

22 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She does it because she can. You fall all over yourself to see her and do whatever she wants. Why shouldn't she enjoy that?

You can continue doing what you've been doing and stay miserable. Or you can stop the nonsense and give yourself a chance to truly have peace and be happy. Which will you choose?

So does that make her a narcissist?  

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

So does that make her a narcissist?  

Who cares? If I say she's a narcissist will that make you feel better? Or would you see it as an excuse to continue doing what you've been doing?

I am not a medical professional so I will not attempt to diagnose anyone with a medical condition. And no one should purport to diagnose someone they've never met. That would be irresponsible.

Instead of trying to diagnose her, why not try to figure out why you continue to put up with it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LaHermes]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Instead of trying to diagnose her, why not try to figure out why you continue to put up with it?

D.

What Bolt just said.

What she is or isn't is totally beside the point? Why are you obsessing about her and why she does what she does?  We have already cleared that up for you.

If you don't wish to take the excellent advice offered here over months and months then say so.  Or at least tell us what YOU intend to do.  Is it going to be grieve in a corner for the rest of your days?