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Time To Let Go?


KnightBlack

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Hi. Basically, (to keep it as short as possible) my husband had an affair. The only reason he stayed is because she dumped him for someone else and really, I was plan B. He said its totally over with her and he would never want to be with her again. Fast forward a week or two and I asked him to move out for a few days to give me some time to heal after he admitted that he still loves her and wonders if she’ll ever come back to him. He says he’s “here for the long run” and I don’t have to worry about her coming back because “she just won’t”. I know better. She will, and he’s a cheater who hasn’t made much change. We text here and there throughout the day. If I ever want to talk feelings, he brushes me off or slightly changes the subject and that’s if he doesn’t leave me hanging until a good morning text. I’m positive he does not love me anymore and I know, in the back of my mind, that he’s just waiting to see if she’ll come back. So, I think it’s time to let go and move forward with my life. I’m in my early 20’s and hope to have kids and a busy work life later on. I’m thinking I still have plenty of time to accomplish all of my goals with someone who really cares about me.

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Yup, time to move on. He is a manipulative liar and that will never change. Cheating isn't so much about the affair partner or love, it's about deceit. He was looking you in the eye for longer than you know and lying and pretending. The other woman gave up and walked away, no worries, there will be others. That's just how cheaters operate. Deceit, duping people is their addiction.

 

Talk to a good lawyer and file and don't look back. If you guys are young and don't have much between you, even easier - you can file by yourself. Be sure to check yourself for STI's. When you catch a cheater once....usually just tip of the iceberg.

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Get yourself a lawyer and leave this marriage. It is not going to work. I am very sorry for the pain you are feeling.

 

Yes, you can restart your life. And yes, you deserve to be with someone who actually cares about you. It will be heartbreaking and excruciating but after the pain subsides you'll experience a newness and freedom you can't even imagine.

 

What you are going through is torture - emotional abuse, torture, torn at all sides and disbelief even.

 

What he is showing you is real so please believe it. Take it to heart, believe it, make some changes now.

 

No living person deserves to be treated with deceit and lies. You may be wondering how long it's gone on for and if she's the only one. If you've known all along or suspected but didn't know for sure until now, restart your life now.

 

Don't waste those years with someone who doesn't treat you well. The worst thing you can ever do for yourself is recondition yourself into thinking you are ok or deserve this. It sounds early still and this hasn't completely destroyed your self-esteem and you do see you can restart your life. Grab onto that and leave.

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Let go of what?

 

What you described is something to run away from, not hang onto.

 

Tell him he needs to move out and you are filing for divorce. Ignore his pleads of he will change or any other nonsense. His actions has shown you who he really is and what you mean to him.

 

You are correct that you are young and have your whole life ahead of you as soon as you kick this cheating jerk to the curb.

 

Lost

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he admitted that he still loves her and wonders if she’ll ever come back to him. He says he’s “here for the long run” and I don’t have to worry about her coming back because “she just won’t”. I know better.

 

This is all you need to know in order to understand your marriage is already over.

 

He doesn't love you. He is with you conditionally, not for the long-run. Notice how he didn't say you don't have to worry about her coming back because he has learned from his mistakes and wants to be a better husband to you? No, his willingness to stay is only contingent upon the fact that she doesn't want him right now.

 

What that also means is that he is ripe for another affair with another woman. If she doesn't come back, he will find someone else. His lack of investment in you and your marriage is the real problem and it will surely happen again if you choose to stay with this doosh canoe.

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I’m in my early 20’s and hope to have kids and a busy work life later on. I’m thinking I still have plenty of time to accomplish all of my goals with someone who really cares about me.

 

Yes liberating feeling that, he doesn't care about the relationship one selfish careless person he is. He doesn't respect you at all.

Time to take control of your life.

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ATTORNEY now. Is this an arranged marriage? Why is he in love with someone else but married you?

 

Well, judging from the pain I felt when I first found out and the self harm scars I gathered up over the time span of a year, I would say no. The marriage is not an arranged one. Thank you for the advice about the lawyer but as for the questions you asked? I don’t know the answers. For a while I thought he was in love with someone else and not me because I just am not good enough. Now that I’m in a much better state of mind, I know that it isn’t true. I am good enough and it’s him that isn’t good enough right now. No cheater is good enough until they make self improvements.

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Get yourself a lawyer and leave this marriage. It is not going to work. I am very sorry for the pain you are feeling.

 

Yes, you can restart your life. And yes, you deserve to be with someone who actually cares about you. It will be heartbreaking and excruciating but after the pain subsides you'll experience a newness and freedom you can't even imagine.

 

What you are going through is torture - emotional abuse, torture, torn at all sides and disbelief even.

 

What he is showing you is real so please believe it. Take it to heart, believe it, make some changes now.

 

No living person deserves to be treated with deceit and lies. You may be wondering how long it's gone on for and if she's the only one. If you've known all along or suspected but didn't know for sure until now, restart your life now.

 

Don't waste those years with someone who doesn't treat you well. The worst thing you can ever do for yourself is recondition yourself into thinking you are ok or deserve this. It sounds early still and this hasn't completely destroyed your self-esteem and you do see you can restart your life. Grab onto that and leave.

 

It’s true that what he’s showed me is real. It’s been sometime now that I’ve known he was cheating. About a year ago he started talking to the other woman and as the weeks passed, I knew. It’s hard to explain but a lot of the time, you just know when your spouse is being unfaithful. I didn’t have solid proof until about 2 months ago and since then, I’ve done some real healing. Most of the pain I feel these days is that of being lied to and used. I don’t hurt so much anymore when I think of divorce. He’s made that part easy with the space he gave me. I’m on my own for the most part and I feel most like myself when I’m alone. When I ask if I should let go, I don’t mean getting a divorce. I mean just letting go and not holding on for dear life to a marriage that was faked (on his part) for months. I think a divorce is probable if things continue with him not trying to repair damages. I’m letting go in the way that I’m not depending on him to fix me. I’m fixing me and I’m moving on with or without him. I have all the time God has planned for me and I want to be happy, however much time that is.

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Don’t waste another moment on this manipulative loser. Get an attorney and get out now.

 

I’m not wasting any more time than I have to. He’s over there and I’m over here right now and if it stays that way, I’m going to live my best life. Eventually, I’ll get a lawyer to file and make it all official. He does still have time to turn things around only because I don’t have the money to file right away but as of right now, it’s not working.

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A good lawyer can make him finance the divorce including your attorneys fees. But.... You want him back and hope he changed.

 

If I’m not confused, you need money up front to pay a lawyer even if they can make him pay it all later. Seeing as he is broke right now too, I don’t think a divorce is an option for me at the moment but do believe me, I’m doing good with him living away from me and I don’t want him the way he is. I don’t think he’s going to change for me. For someone else, maybe but I feel bad for whoever he cheats on next because it won’t be me. [emoji28]

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Your anger is understandable. Can you legally keep him out of his own home? At least get a free initial consultation with an attorney. But you don't seem to want a divorce. You want him back and hope punishing him a little bit will change him. Is divorce allowed in your culture and religion?

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Your anger is understandable. Can you legally keep him out of his own home? At least get a free initial consultation with an attorney. But you don't seem to want a divorce. You want him back and hope punishing him a little bit will change him. Is divorce allowed in your culture and religion?

 

I am definitely angry. [emoji23] So, I’m catholic and we very much frown upon divorce (as we do infidelity). I’m not giving him an opportunity to change. The opportunity is just there. We have some time. because I made promises to him AND to God (that’s the promise that matters most to me) is why a divorce would be negative but Like I said before, it doesn’t seem like he’s changing and I’m not staying married to a cheater. This space thing is not a punishment for him. It was for me to have time to think and heal. The conclusion I’ve come to is letting it all be. I’m focusing on myself and my business. I’m done fighting for something that was worthless to him and right now, We’re on the road to divorce. He doesn’t want to talk feelings and he’s not putting in any effort so neither will I. I’m definitely letting him go. Getting back together before I see some dramatic change is not an option for me and I’m not actively hoping he changes either. I’m fully mentally prepared to file. I didn’t kick him out though, I should make that clear. I gave him the option of staying and me leaving or him leaving and me staying.

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Divorce is not frowned upon within the Catholic church the way it was 30-40 years ago. However, if your personal beliefs are that divorce is a sin that is a different story.

 

You can file for divorce with very little money down. I think I had to come up with $100.

 

However, if you just don't want to divorce him and would rather wait to see if he changes then that is that.

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  • 3 weeks later...

At your age, you have a lot of life ahead of you. It sounds like he's not the right one for you.

 

I'll be a bit contrarian though and say that you don't necessarily need a lawyer to get divorced. There are other options - mediation being one of them. The issue with lawyers is that they're VERY expensive.

 

I know you can't trust your husband entirely, but if you can trust him enough to not screw you in the divorce, you can even do it without a lawyer entirely. A friend of mine with two children just got divorced, amicably and with a 50/50 split with no lawyer at all. His wife initiated the divorce but he took care of the paperwork.

 

The steps in my mind are something like this:

 

Decide if you want to get divorced - looks like you should.

 

Tell him that you're getting divorced and that it can go one of two ways - divorced amicably or get divorced with lawyers, fights, lot's of lawyers fees.

 

See what he does.

 

Soon it will be clear if you need a lawyer or if other options such as a mediated divorce which is much much cheaper than a lawyer.

 

You said you're in your early 20's - you have your whole life ahead of you and you implied that you don't have kids yet. You could only have accumulated so much wealth to split.

 

This should be a really simple divorce.

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